A Question About Workplace Transition

[Carolyn Marie]

My workplace transition is now just months away, and I think about it a lot. I had planned on having the training done, and the

announcement made, just days or a week or two before going to work en femme and changing my name and records.

But I've been having second thoughts, and wanted your opinion on this: is it a better idea to do the training, and make the

announcement, weeks before actually starting work as Carolyn, so people have more of a chance to get used to the idea, and

ask me questions about it?

I appreciate your input.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Well, Carolyn....

You know my coming out at work story....

My therapist told me to take it slow and let everyone watch me change little at a time...

I do care about the feelings of my co-workers, too...

I really can't see the logic in going home on a Friday as "John" and coming in on a Monday as "Mary"...

That's just a selfish way to look at it in my book...

And the co-workers take to it better when it's done slowly...I was accepted 100%

Just my opinion...

Donna Jean

[Drea]

I don't know Carolyn.

There are benefits either way. Time lets them get used to it, but it also could be more limbo for you and them. Any opinions from the team?

I guess, you could plan on the training and announcments and perhaps leave the time frame open? If people seem ready go, if not wait?

I went about it a bit differently.

First, there was no training involved. Such training as far as trans stuff was in its infancy at the time. I had let HR know, got them in contact with my therapist. It was then up to me to put together a "dear coworkers" letter explaining the situation. When I was ready with that, a meeting was called for everyone (except me) and it was distributed along with a statement of support from the company.

In that dear coworkers letter I expressed how I would start to change my presentation. I made the changes immediate but it was more towards andro and then I moved it slowly over a period of months. It got to be a bit more feminine, but I mostly hid my development. This first stage involved no name change or pronoun usage changes.

When it was time, meaning I was ready, I wrote another co-workers letter explaining my name was legally changed and starting monday (it was a friday) would start using it officially at work and my presentation would become further female. The company left me kind of hanging on this one and I had to distribute it myself, mostly via email. It went well though I was not really keen on the company response.

The key difference between the Friday and Monday is that Friday I had a loose fitting polo shirt wearing a sports bra underneath to hide things. Monday I came back with a regular bra and a top that showed some of the curve.

Small steps. I continued to evolve presentation till there was no question.

Good luck Carolyn, I am rooting for you.

[Guest KimberlyF]

All of these situations are case by case. Donna Jean wasn't sure how the boss was going to react from what I remember. Her slow approach was prob perfect for there. And I agree the one name Fri and a different Mon with just a memo on Fri telling people what to expect is a little unfair too.

In your case, if it were me, I'd totally play it by ear. Do the training and then see how people respond and treat you and start doing little things for a few weeks. I think you could def go at a faster pace since you know your job is secure. If you have a very supportive work place you may get a vibe that people want you to be totally out quicker than you'd expect or there may be some issues that have to work themselves out and then slow it down. You could set a date where you're not waiting past X, but it could happen sooner. It's a compromise I guess, but to have this job where you're still planning on working at be a little more tension-free isn't it worth it?

Like I kinda said before on the work issue on other threads, my job is 100% safe if I wanted to transition in the position, but I'd have about 90% of the people I work with just stop talking to me. I have seen them shun people before as a group.

Even though this isn't your choice obviously, it wasn't your coworkers either and they might need some time to get their heads straight. If they feel totally forced, it can become a legally hostile workplace for you. They can just leave the room at times when you enter and there isn't a thing you can do about it.

Kim

[Guest NatalieRene]

My workplace transition is now just months away, and I think about it a lot. I had planned on having the training done, and the

announcement made, just days or a week or two before going to work en femme and changing my name and records.

But I've been having second thoughts, and wanted your opinion on this: is it a better idea to do the training, and make the

announcement, weeks before actually starting work as Carolyn, so people have more of a chance to get used to the idea, and

ask me questions about it?

I appreciate your input.

Carolyn Marie

I'm not sure personally what is better. But the way I handled my transition at work was that I first told my HR representative. Then we told my boss and his higher ups. Then they held a diversity training for everyone with no specifics as to why the training course was done. After that I came out to my department in our large classroom that we use as a conference room for the entire department. Then I gave people two weeks to sort things out and started full time and haven't looked back sense.

I hope things go smoothly for you when you come out at work

Natalie

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dearest Carolyn,

There must be a time when you are not formally out, but there is an awareness from your co-workers as to what is happening. This time is their transitioning. Not overt overnight, but persistent in time. Have people started to question your gender...sexuality? Maybe not to your face, but one does get feedback through the grapevine.

I think you will know best when it is time for you to come out at work. When that time comes, you will have worked everything out with HR and your co-workers.

Allow things to happen. Don't try to force them.

Love

Brenda

[Guest erinanita]

Carolyn, I hope that your transition at work goes well for you.

Isn't there a good chance that co-workers are already seeing physical changes in you? Sometimes, especially if you've been a longtime employee, others will suspect something is up before they're officially told. Educating the workplace should be done before the official name change. IMHO.

Thtufus

[Carolyn Marie]

Carolyn, I hope that your transition at work goes well for you.

Isn't there a good chance that co-workers are already seeing physical changes in you? Sometimes, especially if you've been a longtime employee, others will suspect something is up before they're officially told. Educating the workplace should be done before the official name change. IMHO.

Thtufus

First of all, thanks to those who have replied. It's all good, sound advice and I take it very seriously.

Thtufus, I haven't exhibited many obvious physical changes. I have ear piercings, yes, but I've explained that away. I haven't

lost much weight, haven't grown out my hair, my breasts are easily hidden, and my facial changes are too subtle for most people to notice. While that helps me stay "under cover," it does mean that a sudden change will be, well, sudden.

Carolyn Marie

[Cyndee]

I have ear piercings, yes, but I've explained that away. I haven't

lost much weight, haven't grown out my hair, my breasts are easily hidden, and my facial changes are too subtle for most people to notice. While that helps me stay "under cover," it does mean that a sudden change will be, well, sudden.

Carolyn Marie

Carolyn - read all these great responses, I certainly would be in the "go slow" camp at work regarding personal appearance changes even after any announcements or training. Then bring them out slowly, as people adjust, giving you time to "feel" the responses. Each situation is unique, and that in it's self is the beauty and challenge of it.

I am wishing you all the best in your growing public and work life as your real self.

Cynthia Ann

[Guest NatashaJade]

This is one of those things I'm not going to have to worry about in my present job because once I go full time, this job will be in my past. However, if I were going to attempt to stay, I would probably take the slower route. Let people get used to the idea of you as Carolyn and slowly introduce the trappings of you so they will know and then gently be eased into it. If you show up on Monday looking all amazing like you do, people will pay too much attention to you.

All that being said, your situation is unique to you. Talk it over with your team and gauge the best way to go from what you know about the folks there.

xoxo

Gin

[Guest sarah f]

Carolyn although I would love to just come out right now, I am taking the Dee Jay approach to it. When I do tell them I don't want it to be a suprise. That way they will already be used to the changes and hopefully help me keep my job.

Carolyn you know your peers better then us and hopefully can read them on how they will react to the news.

Good Luck

[JJ]

When people hear about what is going on they are going to want to see some signs I think. To make it real and yet not threatening. Something small like a more feminine cut to a shirt or just a tiny tint to a lip gloss

I think if it is small but still noticeable it will help people come to terms with their feelings about the transition rather than speculating to themselves what it will be like and how they may feel.

Hugs and the very best of luck with it. But I suspect as it was with Dee Jay you'll find out it you-Carolyn-that people will soon realize they've know and valued all along.

John.

[Paula ult]

Carolyn dear,

My situation was a bit different in that i telecommute from home, everyone knew i had weekly Dr. appointments and more than one co-worker from my work group asked if i was alright, my manager had a conference call with the guys in my work group, i sent an email just before explaining what i was going through, the conference call basically showed everyone my manager, company and HR were behind me, i think it was a relief to my co-workers that i was not dying.

Coming out to my friends and bowling leagues was similar to if i worked in an office, i let the changes become noticeable, people asked if i got a haircut, lost weight, got a new shirt etc., doing the training and coming out then gradually changing your appearance little by little over a week, few weeks or months, depending on your confidence level of how your co-workers are accepting it may make an easier transition for you and your co-workers.

We think we hide things pretty good but believe me some people are pretty observant while others are oblivious to what is going on around them till it hits them head on, there may have already been talk about you and the earrings and other things, we do not notice the changes as quickly as others.

Good luck on what ever you decide to do.

HUGS!

Paula

[Carolyn Marie]

Update: I talked it over with my transition team today, and they agreed with you all. Give the training, make the announcement,

and then give the staff time to adjust. We were thinking 4 weeks at least for me to take incremental steps to being fully en femme.

That way, if the reaction is totally positive and things look good, I can move up the "big day" to a week or two. But if the reaction

isn't so good and people are freaked, I can move it back and we can do more training.

Frankly, I think the former is almost certain to be the case, but this way I have options. Thanks for all your great advice.

BTW, my team members got to meet Carolyn while I was on a recent staycation. Their reaction was so awesome, so supportive, that

my confidence level is now sky high. I asked them what their first reaction was upon seeing me sitting in the restaurant. The

responses ranged from "cute" to "pretty" to "amazing." If I could dance worth a Gosh darned, I would.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

Edited November 24, 2010 by Carolyn Marie
Shoot, can't believe I let the word filter get me. Oh, well.

[Cyndee]

U The

responses ranged from "cute" to "pretty" to "amazing." If I could dance worth a Gosh darned, I would.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

That is just fantastic news Carolyn, I am so happy for you. You will finally be able to be yourself in a work environment, what a relief that will be. Best of luck.

Cynthia Ann -