Road Blocks And The Past Three Days

[Guest Orva26]

Hello,

So now its official, I'm living on my own and it's kind of great! Well not too great I have a whole lot of things to do because of it, unpacking, getting orientated, changing my driving license and registration, etc. But this situation represents road block #1 (#2 being a visit from my ex that I think I know what my feelings will be like afterward but need to actually have them and #3 being starting and establishing myself at work). I have to say I so far my dad's idea of the reason that I have been pondering my gender identity because of misplaced anxiety about this move so far appears super duper wrong!

My fist night here I reached a state of elation because of the realization that I have free range to define myself. That the walls of my apartment are my haven, where NO ONE can infringe on how I express myself (well provided I don't do it in a way that invalidates the lease agreements ). I was even referring to myself mentally as Orva instead of my birth name. Wondrous thoughts filled my head as I enjoyed the view from my 6th floor perch. Thoughts of how in a few years I might enjoy a similar view in a changed female body, that I could really become Orva in real life and not just online in this and other communities, thoughts about sharing the view with a boyfriend, and well... other things. Come sleep time I fell asleep to these thoughts.

Day two brought other things. I woke up with a certain er... rigidity and reflected on that intermittently between musing on other thoughts. While I do not detest my boy bits as some do I think I am developing a kind of resentment for them. I have not dis-attached myself from pleasure they bring but I'm beginning to think of that pleasure as bitter sweet. I am beginning to get the sense that the habit I developed from puberty of sexual fantasizing about being female was hallow and a real distraction. Orgasm is one of the strongest forms of reinforcement but I am wondering and feeling as if mine have robbed me of time that I could have been self exploring, that they have stalled realizations about myself.

During the day I couldn't do much because I had to wait for the worker to come and activate my cable and internet so I mostly spent time in my apartment watching some movies I had on my computer. But I did realize that in my infinite wisdom I had purchased all the essential food I would need but I had forgotten the auxiliary things, like dish soap. >_< That meant taking another trip in the evening. I went to the supermarket and got some more things and forgot more as well; I have potatoes but no peeler! But this supermarket also afforded me something else my own nail polish!

Now I probably could have found something cheaper than Revlon but, but, but er... I really don't have a logical follow up for this one. I found it really weird to find cosmetics in a supermarket since where I'm originally from they aren't. I had to circle around and wait till no one was in the aisle so I could have the nerve to get it. I got clear base coat and a color called raven red which looks kind of like the color of a decent red wine. I was quick about it though... I should have loitered and looked more even if I knew I wanted red but didn't have the nerve to. But after I got it no one said anything about it being in my cart probably because they would just assume the logical situation of something like, "He's obviously getting it for his girlfriend." Even the person who checked me out, a quite elderly woman, said nothing.

When I got back I decided to wait until after showering to put on the nail polish. I removed the polish that was already on my toes and then put on two pairs of panties (to keep things where I want them) and the pair of woman's/girl's capri pants that I own. I made and ate dinner wearing them. Unfortunately I was so wrapped up in the cooking I didn't really spend time thinking about the clothing but I was having thoughts of being the one that cooks for others and how I've enjoyed that in the past as a male (my housemates in college and I worked on an agreement so that whoever didn't have class on a given night would make food for everyone) and how I think I would enjoy it as a female as well. Then I cleaned up showered and...

NAIL POLISH TIME! I got to learn that I am nowhere near ambidextrous enough for a good application on my right hand, at least not yet. And also that alternating hands, i.e. doing them at the same time is a really dumb idea. I felt kind of kiddish in that I was so excited for the end result I became inpatient. When I finished I realized that and how long it will take me to get a good application next time but I have been enjoying my red nails since then. I don't know why but at night I fell into bad thoughts about how this whole thing might be artificial, that how I might just have a fetish for polish, but eventually my brain browbeat them, like it should because they are silly, and I got to sleep.

This morning I awoke with that same rigidity but this time my mind was completely wrapped up in musing about being a girl and having a relationship as such. Eventually the feeling of resentment from the other day crept back and I got up and er... addressed the issue. But then it hit, the shame and questioning. You know the attempt to rationalize why I feel what I do, if I should pursue transition, if I am tg at all or if it is some insane obsession. The whole nine yards. I still think I'll need to see a GT to know but whenever I try to imagine that I'll never get to physically feminize and what life would be like then it confuses my mind with solemn despair and it hazes seemingly unable or unwilling to recognize that senerio. After spending some time looking at the mirror in that state I wondered back into my bedroom and noticed that it was already late afternoon and then I was angry at myself for lounging around so long and the resentment regarding my male parts returned.

I had a wonderful breakfast (if you can call eating at 3pm that ) of granola with a cut up kiwi fruit and milk in it with orange juice. And then I decided to walk around the property of the company I'm leasing from. They have a few apartment buildings and an adjoining condominium complex. I did that WITH MY PANTED NAILS granted they were in my coat pockets almost the whole time, the result of a combination of fear and my amazingly intelligent move to not pack gloves. The condoos are very nice by the way.

When I got back I decided to check my mail since I walk past the mailboxes anyway and I did it with a postman right next to me! Granted I shielded the hand I was opening it with from his view using my body. As I was reaching to open the door and enter the building an elderly woman stepped through it and asked me if the mail was here. I answered her that the postman was putting it into the boxes right now before going on my way. Now I have the feeling that they both probably noticed my painted nails and I don't really care. I just like that I was able to at least risk being seen but I don't get a thrill out of it. The potential for being discovered does nothing for me its more that I'm glad I took this step and even if they did see me what's the worst to come of it? Two strangers think I'm effeminate? Bah, that means nothing. I still don't think I'm ready to make it blatantly obvious that I have painted nails in public though.

When I got back to my apartment I relaxed for a little then I made dinner, ate it, watched some TV and now here I am giving this progress report to you all. Sorry for the bookish post but I just wanted to detail my experience of starting out in the world and its effects on my gender issues someplace. Any feedback/encouragement would be very much welcome.

-Orva

[Guest Opal]

Hi Orva,

This will be a wonderful time to explore your feelings, and to get a sense of the RLE. Your post would be a good document to take with you once you do start seeing a Therapist.

Please continue to post more as you have time to do so. I am sure you will get additional replies in the days ahead.

Huggs!

Opal

[Guest RadioheadRachael]

It's good you are taking steps and trying to find yourself.

It's interesting that not being able to transition in the future is so depressing to you. That's probably a pretty big sign. On the other hand, it's difficult to picture yourself in the future at all. At least for me it is. I don't know if I feel the same way, I think my most depressing thoughts come from the fear of being alone.

Also, the resentment of your male parts. Do you feel they get in the way? Or do you resent your sex drive? I'm beginning to slightly resent my sex drive as making it impossible for me to clear my head. But I don't really connect my male parts to my gender, I might even keep them if I transitioned.

When are you going to get some clothes?! I think you would really enjoy it. It becomes more and more fulfilling for me every day. I see my progress from my first dressing pictures and it's staggering! Practice makes perfect and every girl likes to look good.

Good luck, girlie!

[Guest Orva26]

Thanks for the encouragement Opal! And I completely agree my post will be useful for my GT. I have actually thinking about compiling them all in a file or printing them out so I can supply them to her. Might even give them over on my first visit which will probably be an informational type of thing. But I could give/direct her to them and ask nicely if she wouldn't mind reviewing them if she has the time. She does know of this site, so for all I know she might even have an account in which case she could just find them all from my profile.

It's interesting that not being able to transition in the future is so depressing to you. That's probably a pretty big sign. On the other hand, it's difficult to picture yourself in the future at all. At least for me it is. I don't know if I feel the same way, I think my most depressing thoughts come from the fear of being alone.

I agree that there is some meaning in the fact that possibilities for my future that do not entail transitioning or at least HRT are un-appealing. I wouldn't say considering them is really depressing its rather that my mind seems to auto correct itself to not think about them. Part of it is the why does my mind not want to picture myself as a guy? Why does it find happiness in picturing myself as female? Is that indicative of a need to transition or is it just a want to become female? And the big metaphysical questions my mind has be gravitating to, "At what point does a want become a need? Can one? Is that process rationalization or maturation?" Sometimes I wish I was naive with a mind that could only concentrate on the nice musings.

Also, the resentment of your male parts. Do you feel they get in the way? Or do you resent your sex drive? I'm beginning to slightly resent my sex drive as making it impossible for me to clear my head. But I don't really connect my male parts to my gender, I might even keep them if I transitioned.

Its interesting I'm not really sure how to quantify it. I believe that I would keep them if I did transition. I think the resentment does lye more with my sex drive since it basically became auto-erotic and dowsed in thoughts of being/being turned female. It might be that satisfying myself in that regard had clouded my mind and kept me from addressing the issue properly, at least that is what I am growing to believe.

When are you going to get some clothes?! I think you would really enjoy it. It becomes more and more fulfilling for me every day. I see my progress from my first dressing pictures and it's staggering! Practice makes perfect and every girl likes to look good.

Good luck, girlie!

Hehehe, I did get more clothes, well kind of. The sweater I got turned out to be too big, I should have waited on that until I had a better idea of the sizes. I'm probably going to return it and try to get something correctly sized. But I also finally bit the bullet and bought myself some pantyhoes, why? Well because I don't recall a memory about them or a time I have seen an woman in them that I have not thought about what wearing them would be like.

I have been wearing them for four or five hours now (don't remember exactly when I put them on). When I first opened them and before I put them on there was some arousal but I was able to keep it from impeding me without er... directly addressing it. Now I'm sporting them with my pair of capri pants over them. Its cold here! They have sort of become de-mystified to me probably because of all they hype that existed in my mind and it might help that they were the cheap ones, like $3. But I am enjoying how they are form fitting and hug closely. What I think I liked the most was the tactile sensation of pulling the pants up my legs while wearing them. Aside from them and the pants I'm wearing a hunter green half turtle neck shirt, which although it is male clothing technically it looks unisex enough. Like if a girl was wearing it people wouldn't even notice.

And now for more update time!

Yesterday when I woke up more of the same stuff happened. I stayed in bed and mused about being female for a while before getting up. Seems like I really like that morning day-dreaming ritual as long as bad thoughts don't creep in. After getting up I ate some breakfast then removed the red nail polish I had on my finger nails. After wards I was a little bummed out because I really liked having painted nails so I put on a single layer of clear coat that I still have on now. All people could really notice then is the shiny appearance of my nails and that could be due to dietary things so I'd have an out if I need one. After that I went out.

I had an adventure looking for a plastic divider for utensils. You know the thing people have when they keep their utensils in a draw but it keeps them all separated nicely. Took me a little bit to find one because a lot of places were selling them with utensils as well. I didn't want that since I already have utensils! I also finally got things like a cutting board and a potato peeler! All this while having clear coat on my nails. No one said a thing.

When I went to check out of the Bed Bath and Beyond my quest had landed me in I noticed one of the girls at the register was quite, how to put it, busty. Immediately my mind jumped to wishful thinking mode hoping that eventually that could be me. I got a little flustered too because I really was unable to shift my thoughts to imagine being with her instead of imaging hormones making me as well endowed as her. I ended up going to a different register because the line at her's was long. The girl at the register that I actually went to had nicely painted teal nails. I should really get a few more colors of polish.

Anyway I got back and perpetrated a great culinary travesty while tying to make Gnocchi (Italian potato dumplings). They didn't hold shape in the water! So my dinner ended up being some demented form of mashed potatoes. When I was making it I was listening to the band Nevermore (they're a pretty good metal band with a lot of songs entailing social satire). One of the songs off of their newest album is called Moonrise(Through the Mirror of Death) and in it is the line Is this Soliloqy or Psychosis Or Self-Hypnosis and that was kind of a jarring thing to hear. It got me thinking again of if my musings are a soliloqy; a speech made to myself admitting my desires or if they belong to the other two connected categories which would put them as a derangement, compulsion or obsession. At times they certainty seem obsessive since they nearly constantly are weighing on my mind but wouldn't that be natural for someone questioning their gender?

Anyway, I ate my catastrophe of a meal while watching the show, The Walking Dead which happened to be having a marathon. While I spent a good four hours watching that show I found myself much more able to open up and identify with the characters, with a seemingly heightened sense of kinship to the female ones. Then I went on my computer and had the chance to talk with one of the users from here through YIM and it was nice and helpful.

Now today! Same thing in the morning but I eventually wandered out of bed around noonish. I ate lunch/breakfast/whatever checked some things like my email. Then I tried calling the lab where I would have to do the final step towards my employment, take the drug test. They didn't answer so I decided that I would stop by there in person later on. I also called a car service place and setup a time to get the emissions test that is required for a change of registration on my car done. I went there and got that done, then went to the lab, which was hard to find because it is kind of nestled behind a bank, and got the drug test done.

In the waiting room there was a pretty woman with a sweater and shoes that I liked and I spent some time wondering what it would be like to sit in a waiting room like/as her. After she left my mind jumped to wondering what the waiting room for a GT would be like. If it would be a place to meet people with similar concerns in person. If there would be a certain level of comradely among its denizens. I am kind of hoping for that. But I'm guessing it will be more of the same, people disconnected from one another just anxiously waiting their turn and opting not to interact in the meantime. Maybe I could be the one to initiate conversation by asking someone what the therapist is like or something.

After all that I went to the store to get a few things, flour, sugar, ricotta cheese, and the aforementioned clothing. When I got back home I put on the cloths I mentioned before. Then I set about making baked pasta because it is tasty and pretty much second nature for me to make being American Italian and all. I find that when I am wearing female clothing my longing is lessened but I'm not sure/don't think cross-dressing will be my remedy. I don't only want to wear cloths but I also want the body for them as well. IDK, seeing as I haven't even started therapy it is probably way early to assume but I don't see it possible for me to end up in a non-transitioned state without still having the longing to transition. I think every thing else in my mind would be kind of like a compromise or only something temporary.

I'm thinking I might attempt to sleep wearing these pantyhoes and see what that does for me.

[Guest Susan57]

Hello Orva,

I am really enjoying this thread of yours. We are similar so many ways and I have felt, been, done and thought so many of the things you write of. I am older than you by tens of years and have been to therapy for several years--to the point of knowing my last few hurdles. They all have to do with breaking free (which you have accomplished) and other responsibilites... The feelings seem to never go away but just get better defined with time. I am at the point where my breasts are just beginning to swell, hair and skin softening... and it feels so right and calming and I feel so happy. At worst it will force me to confront and finalize my freedom issues and breaking free. I am very happy for you as your development proceeds. I hope you continue your thread. Best of luck to you.

Sincerely,

Susan

[Guest Orva26]

I was wondering what happened to you Susan! You might have just slipped through the cracks because since I've begun living on my own, I'm it anything I want I have to accomplish/get so I don't have as much free time.

Hello Orva,

I am really enjoying this thread of yours. We are similar so many ways and I have felt, been, done and thought so many of the things you write of. I am older than you by tens of years and have been to therapy for several years--to the point of knowing my last few hurdles. They all have to do with breaking free (which you have accomplished) and other responsibilites...

Thanks! I'm not sure exactly how free I am yet but I think I am making some real progress with my testing, thoughts, and the information I have found through this site.

The feelings seem to never go away but just get better defined with time. I am at the point where my breasts are just beginning to swell, hair and skin softening... and it feels so right and calming and I feel so happy.

Oooooh, WANT! I'm glad to hear this, I didn't know you ended up on hormones but I'm super happy that it is working out for you.

I am very happy for you as your development proceeds. I hope you continue your thread. Best of luck to you.

Thanks again! I am going to continue this tread, I fear it may be becoming very blog like... might move it to a blog, idk yet. But now is not the time for that, now is the time for another EPIC UPDATE! I was planning to wait a few days and do that buuuuuuuuut, aw hell, I FEEL LIKE IT!

Last night I did end up sleeping wearing panties and the pantyhoes. It was pretty great, all tactile sensations are different when cushioned/enhanced by pantyhoes! Being under the covers made me constantly aware of their presence and that was nice. I slept pretty well. When I woke up to my alarm I didn't end up lying around day dreaming about being a girl but that probably has to do with how ungodly late I stayed up. I ended up going back to sleep... for someone who is trying to fix their sleep schedule I sure am doing a terrible job at it. Anyway when I feel asleep again I had CRAZY DREAM TIME! Like really crazy I don't know what my subconscious was doing because the whole thing was disjointed and from many perspectives but some stuff is relevant.

So you get an idea... at one point I was a female and in a bathroom, that was suspended on a crane and rotating around but I had to go so bad I didn't care. And when I looked down at the ground there was a police officer/park ranger/uniformed guy and a little girl wearing either a white sundress with a pink floral design or a pink sundress walking her pet. But this wasn't a cute dog or something like that, IT WAS A FREAKING BEAR! Well a cub but still a bear! I have no clue what that was about.

But the part of the dream that was what really seemed more relevant happened with me as a disembodied outsider. There was a woman in a barren and dungeon like room talking about a young girl who was involved in some kind of "drug test". It was obvious that was an euphemism for some kind of freakish experimentation that was performed on her against her will. The woman talking of this was sadden, though she was trying to hide it because she was some kind of investigator.

The dream cut out then and I was a disembodied outside again. The view was some kind of simple white building, almost like a military barrack. There was no one in view but I remember voices or at least the knowledge that something was wrong in the area. Something about a dead bear and looking for a suspect. The view shifts and it is inside of the building there is a man going though a desk, the view is half that of an outsider but occasionally through his eyes. He is some kind of investigator as well, maybe the partner of the woman from before. He's in there looking for information regarding a suspect, who is the strange girl that his partner was investigating before.

Then she walks in. She is a young and pretty girl with long brunette hair, I do not remember the color of her eyes, but on her face are scars and stitch work reminiscent of Frankenstein's monster. There was one that ran down the center of her forehead, turned and went under an eye and continued until it was under her ear. The other started from there and ran straight across her face under her nose and across her upper lip until it ran out of view on the other side. She walked in to the room and just stood there looking at the investigator.

When he noticed her he uttered something, I don't know what it was but on hearing it the girl screamed but it wasn't an ordinary scream more of an animalistic shriek like a raptor or an aggressive reptile. Her mouth opened unnaturally wide and was filled with reptilian dagger like fangs. All very concerning things, but here is the most concerning point. Once she screamed her entire formed shifted, it became male. I'm not sure because the flash was only for a second and the scream woke me but I think... I think... the male form she took may have been mine.

I really should have recorded this someplace earlier but the whole thing was kind of disorienting. I hope I'm remembering the last part as an inaccuracy because that type of message is really intense. I mean if it is right then does that mean deep down I think my male side is a monstrosity? But I don't consciously, I generally like the personality I have now, the problem is partially with role and very much with body. At the same time it makes sense that it would be me. If that was my male form than my female form is the pretty but imperfect girl. And the experimenting that left her shattered and monstrous, well that might be the years of autogneyphilic self satisfaction that I have begun to dislike.

Okay, well after that mental craziness I got up and put on the capri pants again. I wasn't sure what I was going to do today because I need to wait for a form to come in the mail before I can go to the DMV and change my car's registration. Eventually I settle on finally finishing organizing and doing some cleaning. Most of my day was spent listening to various music while doing that. And now a point about music! I've been listening to CDs that I had forgotten about, stuff I listened to in highschool, stuff that I like but discarded for my "metal" music. I'm growing to hate the fact that I did that! Its kind of in tandem with developing my gender identity but I've been rediscovering old music and gaining new taste.

Today I listened to, Guns N' Roses - Appetite for Destruction, Nekromantix - Hellbound (these guys are awesome! They refer to themselves as horror psychobily rock and that is an apt description.), Voltaire - Then and Again (This guy makes interesting music. Its folkish cabaret music but with dark goth like themes), Haste the Day (No album in particular just samples that were up on myspace they play metalcore a style that I used to be big into but fell out of, BUT SHOULDN'T HAVE!), and 100 Demons - In the Eyes of the Lords (a hardcore punk band named after the famous book of Japanese tattoo art, which is amazingly awesome by the way). I also got a hold of some music by Bleeding Through and Bury Your Dead both bands I loved in highschool. Hehehe I'm totally going to be a biker looking rocker chick after transitioning, no chance I'll be a girlie girl. I'll probably end up all tough looking but really a sweetheart. Actually that's kind of how I've been all along. Well at least in terms of personality.

Anyway, the whole day was spent in a similar partial girl mode as the one before. I'm reaching a point that I'm aware of the tucking but it doesn't bother me. Even seems good as having my parts all held in place by panties makes them less accessible and I'm less likely to get distracted by them. I was very productive today in terms of un-packing. I also really like wearing panties, they are just so much better than male underwear! They keep everything nice and snug and I like having something hugging my butt.

Wearing female clothing definitely serves to sooth my confusion as it seems to somewhat drive out the bad thoughts, you know the ones I've eluded to several times about all of this being a crazy delusion or something. Walking around my apartment the idea that this should be my native state kept appearing in my mind. That wearing girl's clothing is right and good for me. When bad thoughts do manage to surface it is much easier to combat them and they are not crippling and nearly tear inducing.

Another thought would appear in my head as well, one that was complimentary to the one about girls clothing being right and that is the longing but in a different variety. It is hard to put into words exactly but I know I like the feeling of hosiery, I like the panties and the pants. I like getting to walk around my apartment trying to emulate a 'female' walk even if it might be over exaggerated. And all those things make me feel like transitioning could be good and right and that makes me happy.

There was also two occasions where I was daydreaming while looking out of the windows. One of them was when I happened to notice a young woman going to her car. She wasn't wearing anything super feminine. Just had an overcoat, some sweat pants, and winter boots on but seeing her I thought how with a feminine body I could dress in a similar manner and still be recognized as female. Like how I could dress with various degrees of femininity and people would still recognize that gender. How it could be my body defining their thoughts and not completely just clothing.

The other time it was with me looking out of the window and thinking what it would be like to meet friends in the summer wearing these capri pants or ones like them, without wearing pantyhoes under them, of course, but with sandals on to showcase my painted toes and with a feminized body. How I still might include an article of my male clothing, a tight flannel shirt (hey now, there's sentimental value attached to it!) but it would be as an over shirt and wouldn't find correctly because of the boobies! I'd have to leave it open part of the way. I imagined being able to greet them with hugs and being genuinely excited to see them instead of the more typical male greeting of something like, "Hey, man... 'sup?"

While eating dinner bad thoughts tried to creep back. But also there was the thought that maybe all I need is clothes, that it is all about the clothing. But I don't think that is the case. If it was, wouldn't it have been about the clothes all along? Instead it has been mostly about the body. When clothes were involved during fantasies they were usually magical or something and the method by which my body became female. Not the concentration themselves.

During and after dinner I did some TV watching. It seems that here there are two networks that play an hour of Family Guy right after one another! So if I'm not doing anything better that's two hours of one of my favorite shows! While watching I made the observation that, much like what people say when they've been on HRT for a bit, everything seem better when I'm wearing girl's clothing. I like TV shows more, music is more enjoyable, my prospects for the future seems less muddled and I seem more confident that I wish to pursue HRT and some kind of transition. I am also reaching a certain ambivalence regarding my male parts. If HRT leaves them functional as in still able to get construct I would be okay with that but if HRT kills that ability I don't think I would mind, it wouldn't devastate me.

I also experienced arousal at being a woman today. But it was less autogenyophilic in that I was imagining having a boyfriend as a woman and the main focus was interacting with him, not the fact that I was a woman in my mind. I think it is a step towards moving away from what has been described in other topics as an envy or body dsyphoria based arousal to a normal attraction arousal and that is a good thing to my mind. There was a little bit of uncertainty afterward and a little bit of confusion when seeing myself in the mirror but overall it wasn't too bad.

Also, a development in being able to picture myself as male. It seems that now the only success I've had in that, at least today, was the unfortunate imagining of what I would do if I got news that because of some medical condition/pre-deposition HRT would be impossible. And that was saddening but the outcome my mind settle on was to go for a no HRT/non op route where I would dress and present as female but in a male body.

Hehehe, long post is looooooonnnnggggg! I think tonight I will sleep in the panties and pantyhoes again. I also plan to wear them out covertly under male clothing and see if it affects how I socially view females. Might do that tomorrow as I've rand out of some things like orange juice and chicken.