Anyone Else Get This?

[Guest Orva26]

This is a bad habit I have had for a while. I'll just laze around in my bed for hours. Between last night and today I spent 12 hours there. Granted I did go to sleep at around 2am but the healthy eight hours from then would have put me as getting up at 10am. I did set an alarm for 9am and that seemed reasonable to me, but it didn't happen. It went off I turned it off then crawled back into bed.

From then on I was lazing around pondering things related to gender. Spanning from wishful day-dreaming to the thoughts I don't like. When I actually got up it was around 1:30pm. So effectively I just cost myself 60% of the daylight time that I have. Doing this is beginning to make me feel like a looser. Like why am I just lying around doing nothing for so long? Its not like I don't have things I should be doing or a sleep schedule I should be trying to fix/re-adjust for when I start working.

Idk, now it seems as if this habit is becoming laced with melancholy or at least becoming a cause of it. I have done it for years, usually on weekends and out of laziness. It has always been laziness in my mind that drove it but I'm thinking that, the laziness explanation was just a cloak. The line between laziness and melancholy/depression is a fine one. Laziness would mean I am sitting around and doing nothing because I don't feel like doing anything/I enjoy sloth and depression would mean that I am lying around and not doing anything because I cannot will myself to due to feelings/thoughts. It has felt like both are true recently.

One thing is for certain I need to cut this crap out! Going to try taping up a sign that reads, "GET THE HELL UP YOU Gosh darned LOOSER!" right next to wear I keep my cellphone which doubles as an alarm clock. Hopefully that will motivate me to break the habit, but even that can't be 'normal'.

Has anyone else been in a similar place with this habit? Or have had it develop as a result of their gender confusion/problem/identity? What was it for you? Depression, laziness, a linear combination (hehehe MATH TERM!) of the two? What does my case sound like? I just want some input on this.

[Guest Tiaria]

Welcome to my world, Orva... Or, rather, the world I left about a month ago...

I've spent about a month, starting just over two months ago, when my gender confusion cost me plenty of sleepy time.The sheer lack of sleep vastly increased my irritability, to the point my parents noticed.

And of course, I felt depressed at the fact that my confusion would get really bad, anytime I went to bed...

Until then, I'd go to bed at around 2300, and get up at about 0700-0800. But my sleeping problems kept me awake for long periods of time.

At best, I'd sleep by two o'clock. At worst, I'd be wide awake, at four...

I compensated for it, by going to bed at ten, and really going to sleep by eleven. For me, this has been a reasonably effective means to wind down...

And no! You're no loser! And don't let you, or any else, tell you, either...

Hugs,

Tiara

[Guest Guest_SL]

Orva,

Your sign idea is cute. I assume you misspelled loser on purpose.

Are you on any medication for any reason? (I don't need to know, but that's a good place to start.) Anything stressful going on in your life besides the holidays? Again, questions you need to ask yourself.

What generally motivates you to accomplish any task? Dwelling on your gender issues. Can you write those down and keep them handy so you can address them in an orderly fashion as opposed to letting them bounce around in your head?

You're correct that there is a fine line with depression and many simple life issues that take our motivation away from a normal routine.

Has this been a long term thing? Do you have regulators in your life? (Feed the dog, practice your guitar, work out.) If so, has there been a disruption?

Have you felt sad and alone?

If you can't shake this off in a few weeks, get checked out with your PCP. Blood work might show a bit of a need for an adjustment. They may also recommend a therapy session. If you have a therapist, bring the subject to their attention.

Just suggestions for you to think about. Perhaps something will stand out.

.....and you're not a loser, okay?

Love and Luck,

Sara Lee

[Guest Orva26]

Thanks Tiaria.

It seems we are similar in this regard though opposite. You suffered from a lack of sleep whereas I am allowing myself too much of it. I get to sleep just fine, its getting up which is the problem or finding the motivation to get up. Actually thinking about it the problems are more similar than different the only real difference is when the thinking happens.

Tomorrow I'm going to try real hard to not let it happen. I need to be able to get up on demand again. I can't use my bed as a sanctuary/prison for my musings at the expense of my productivity or at the fear that they'll come during the day.

[Guest sleeping chrysalid]

As I said I before I have been diagnosed with aspergers and tourettes (I don't swear but there are physical tics) and I am certain I would have this problem if it were not for the treatment. The medication eventually puts me to sleep but until it does I lie awake with a very active mind. I do not believe that it is just my diagnosed conditions that are causing sleep problems and if I did not have them (and therefore wouldn't have the medication) I would still lay awake all night because of my thoughts anyway. I find that when I stop moving and I go to bed it leaves nothing for me to focus on besides my thoughts and 100% of my attention is turned towards my seemingly unanswerable questions. Lately it has been taking several hours longer for the medication to take effect and my mind tends to wander. I think about my feelings and I analyze my memories and past actions to try and evaluate myself and dispel any lingering doubt. Sometimes I think about actions that were performed over a decade ago and considering I am only seventeen that is very far back. Orva, do you remember my most recent reply to the topic I started, "Androgynous or Transgender?"? I mentioned my thoughts as a toddler while I was watching Sailor Moon. That memory arose during my contemplation at night. I know that I am lucky that a treatment for an unrelated condition is also keeping my overactive mind under control but I still take about three hours to fall asleep. Multiply that three hours by four or five and I'd have the same problem but taking away the medication would do more than that. I would probably only sleep every third night. I used to get to sleep without the medication of several hours before but there weren't as many issues so it would be worse now. I do not want to seem like I am waving something in front of you and I am kind of ashamed of the medication myself but it is not like I can just come off of it suddenly. I wish I could have just learned to sleep on my own but I was not old enough to make that decision on my own when it started.

[Guest Orva26]

Aw, Sara Lee I feel bad I didn't notice your post until now. Must have went up as I was writing my reply to Tiaria. The time stamp is reasonable enough for that.

Your sign idea is cute. I assume you misspelled loser on purpose.

Thanks, I've actually used the sign idea in the past to help remind me/force me to get up and do things. And no, the misspelling wasn't on purpose. I've always tripped up on that, the long oh sound in loser just makes it seem like looser is the logical spelling in my brain. Though I have gotten a lot better spelling was never one of my strong points.

Are you on any medication for any reason? (I don't need to know, but that's a good place to start.) Anything stressful going on in your life besides the holidays? Again, questions you need to ask yourself.

Right now I'm not on medication for anything. I have never been on long term medication for anything that was mental, nor (to my knowledge) do I have a condition for which I should be. The only long term medications that I have been on were mostly antibiotics during puberty meant to help control my hyper acne.

In terms of outside stessors, I have started living on my own which should provide me stress but by itself it isn't a big deal at all. Like I've said else where on the Playground, whatever things I need to do as a result of that there is a path for and I can handle just fine. It was actually on my mind for a while that my current situation might just be misplaced stress about moving out but now that I am here and set up it hasn't gone away.

My ex will be visiting next week though and that has been a tremendous form of stress lately but that is all framed by my thinking on gender. I hope this isn't rationalization but I really don't think I have much stress in my life that isn't connected with this.

What generally motivates you to accomplish any task?

I haven't really put thought to this... kind of bugs me that I can't really say what drives me. My school performance was always for my parents up until the middle of college when it truly became about my interest/intellectual development. My drive to get a job was to leave home and continue said intellectual development. Things like food shopping are done out of need, though I do like casually observing woman as I do it (boy, I sound creepy ). Cooking is done out of a mixture of need and fun. I like making new things to see if I have as much knowledge in the area as I think I do. Today I made a rockin' stir-fry consisting of chicken, sweet onion, broccoli, and pineapple (the sweetness contrast well with the soy taste). Video games and music are for fun... meh, I have like a billion reasons to do a billion things.

Dwelling on your gender issues. Can you write those down and keep them handy so you can address them in an orderly fashion as opposed to letting them bounce around in your head?

Yuuuuuuuup! I've already started to do just that. I've begun to make a document that will include memories as far back as I can recall. Its being made to see if I can recall evidence from early life of this, which I can but will not detail here because what has been done so far is waaaaaaaaaaaaay to personal for the internet. Some of my current thoughts have gone in there too.

But if I were to start really recording daily my concerns then I would just have circular chapters. They would all go something like this. Starting out thinking being a girl/getting HRT would be great and help me out tremendously, getting in a funk due to the social ramifications of actually doing it, feeling guilty to have these thoughts and for what acting on them would mean/do to others, and then more often than not back to the beginning.

Maybe I should set about recording it all though, might help break the cycle. Then this little black sketch book would really become dysphoria book. Its already got the beginnings of that document and a graphic design using my name as a base. I'm really proud of the design, might upload it to here if I get to a scanner anytime soon. The next thing I'm thinking about trying is something I came up with a few nights ago. Basically I've got a frontal picture of my face and I've found a similar picture of a woman's face I'm going to make one transparent overlay it on top of the other and use it as a basis for a sketch of a feminized self portrait!

Has this been a long term thing? Do you have regulators in your life? (Feed the dog, practice your guitar, work out.) If so, has there been a disruption?

Right now I'm really lacking in the regulators. I was trying to establish working out to get rid of excess weight in my mid section as one of them. I kept at if for a few days but then it sort of fell out of habit. Actually did some today but I need to get that back as a daily event. I also had a mind to start voice training if I could but I haven't gone anywhere with it yet.

My biggest hobby for years has been gaming but that isn't really an active hobby, like playing an instrument would be. Maybe I could use an active hobby. I've been thinking about learning the bass guitar for a while now but never had the money to start. I still don't, but that should change soon.

As far as feeling sad and alone, maybe? At some points I yearn for a time when this won't be between my ears and I could be open about it not only to communities such as this one but to my friends and family. Almost as if the missing peace was someone who would be there in person to offer acceptance and support. I think that was what drove me to tell my father mega prematurely, and what got me to call a GT a few weeks after.

I haven't spoken with the GT since. My big problem right now is the financial limbo I'm in until I actually start working in January. I really want to wait until that clears, so I know I can afford everything with absolutely no problem and I am doing it on my own money. Its becoming apparent to me that I am not going to be able to wait until I get on company insurance but rather I will probably start seeing her soon after my first paycheck and out of my own pocket.