Did You Always Act Femme?

[Guest Deena]

This has always bothered me a little. I understand that very young or effeminite boys who are strong transsexuals have always acted feminine but my question to anyone is: if you were a "late bloomer" or a moderate transsexual, and have started hrt, did you always, sometimes, never, etc., act feminine, or were you just bothered by the thought process/brain thingy, like I was? I'm not talking about cross dressing -that is more or less a given.

Deena

[Sally]

Deena,

I was not a late onset but I never appeared effeminate because i did not want to get teased or draw attention to myself - I worked very hard to learn male mannerisms so now it is so easy to just let go of them.

Love ya,

Sally

[Carolyn Marie]

Deena, my reply is similar to Sally's. I've known all my life I was "special," but

hid it extremely well. Neither my family, friends or co-workers ever suspected a thing.

I was a very good actor.

Nowadays, I try my best to act naturally.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest JaniceW]

Deena,

Like Carolyn and Sally I have always know inside that something was amiss, but I was never effeminent. I was (still am unfoirtunately) very good at hiding any hint from the outside world and for a long time even myself.

[Guest sarah f]

I always knew but hid the fact from everyone. I think you are going to notice there is a lot of us that was stealth for many years before coming out. It took nearly 34 years fo me to finally tell myself now is the time.

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

I have to join in here, too....

I always acted male...it was how I was raised and later I needed to hide any hint of being feminine so I wouldn't catch holy heck from people...

I was a very good actress...No one had a clue for 60 years....except me...

Donna Jean

[Cyndee]

Hi Deena,

Grew up with these feelings I could never show. Did many things "normal" boys did, and got on with life. I engaged in male overcompensation at times, I also was a very good actor, and very secret cross dresser. Only recently within the last 6 months have I disabled "female suppression". Now I balance a combination of both gender mannerisms. I still need to summon the bloke at times, however it's such a relief to no longer have to hide Cindy.

[Guest Esperanza Xochitl]

I tried to hide it, but I was really terrible at trying to be a boy. But my favorite toys were always gender neutral as they were art supplies. Lots of my close friends were girls, although I must have come off as a femme boy amongst tomboyish girls.

[Guest Deena]

Isn't it lousy that we can't be ourselves because of social stigma?

[Guest N. Jane]

I was never able to pass for a boy, not from earliest childhood, no matter how much trouble it caused me I just couldn't pull it off .... so I guess that lets me out ....

[Guest therisa]

Deena, even through I suppressed my feminine side since I was 7 years old, until 5 years ago, I could hide from the dreams. As a teenager, used to practice walking in high heels. And yes, I was a horrible actress, as I got bullied merciless, by other boys.

therisa

[Guest Emily Ray]

I'm like most of the girls who have posted. I was teased badly until I learned how to pass as a boy/man. My parents, brother and Sister wee not surprised by my TS. friends that I made later in life were. I can only say I became a better actor as I grew up. But, it was a shell and no more. It fell apart one day and when I looked inside I saw a little girl with tears in her eyes. I fell in love the moment I saw her she needed love and so I gave it to her. I try to take care of her. Sometimes I can't and today is one of those days. I'll stop before I hijack your thread

huggs

Em

[Guest Lily B]

I don't really act like an average male normally, but I wouldn't say that I act too obviously femenine either. I try to hide any femaleness pretty actively since I was always told that it was bad and wrong and I'm a scaredy cat =p

[Guest TigerFoxMatt]

While this question was directed to MtFs, I hope no one minds me answering from the opposite end of the spectrum. ^^;

When I was little, I was kind of in the middle with how I acted. I played with both dolls and cars, but I did lean towards more masculine things and 'male' dolls. I think it was because when I saw the male dolls (ex: Ken from Barbie) I saw what I wanted to be, and identified more as. I guess I'm lucky in the fact that I didn't really have to hide that I liked boy things, but I hid that I was/wanted to be a boy.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I was never feminine. But I was never masculine, although I playacted.

When I went full time I was amazed at everything I had within - I didn't have to study at all, just act natural.

Lizzy

[Guest Emily Ray]

Lizzy,

I haven't had to practice or try to act in a feminine way either. I just needed to get out of the way and let nature take its course.

huggs

Emily

[Guest Jenth]

I don't understand how to act like a boy. I just don't understand what the rules are. I guess I've been lucky that most of the teasing has been light hearted towards me. Very early in my life I wasn't all that femme just caring and carefree but that was when I was on the military base and I was cool cause I was the only one that probably wasn't going to move in a year. Later I went to a performing arts school where I was surrounded by femme boys and girls with a very few masculine boys so picking up the femme act was kinda natural if not my only choice. So now I really don't understand boys, and now I'm actually getting picked on, but it's hard to relearn the behavior and I really don't understand. I don't understand giving up the small things that make me happy just so I'll appear manly and pick up girls. It really doesn't make sense. And I'm really confused about it.

[Guest EvenClose]

Might as well add my 2 pennies in here.

I'm not sure I ever understood guys. I'm not sure if i ever acted like one totally. I did get picked on an awful lot. Nothing much to do with my outward appear but basically my actions, composure, etc etc.

So I would suggest just do what makes you feel like yourself. Thats really all anyone can do anyway. The crap may stop, or never. No one knows. But if you can find it within yourself to give way to self acceptance,

then all will be fine in the end.

I hope you can find it in your heart to be yourself. I really don't believe lying to oneself is helpfull. Im still struggling to care about myself, and if i can't do that how am i suppose to care about others?

Keep your chin up. It will get better.

[Guest NotClaire]

Always femme... Severely bullied/beaten starting in jr. High puberty times, so I trained meself to be all-male. Came across more as antisocial prolly...

Strange thing about me, though, is that I always dreamed of being a cat when I was really young wasn't until 10-12ish that I started CD'ing and praying to be a girl

Starting HRT made me feel more normal than ive ever felt before

[Guest Roxanna L]

I knew I was 'different' from the other boys in school, from the start. Shame, they knew, too... So I became increasingly alpha, to make myself appear more of a challenge to them, which only panned out a decade later. I was considered the typical a-social misfit...

But, I suppose I did act more feminine, after getting out of school... One of my former coworkers actually mentioned to me, how I was actually the kindest, most thoughtful and most considerate 'man' in the entire male-dominated team. Given most were alpha males, I'm not really sure how much value such a compliment had... But I did appreciate the sentiment.

Anna

[Guest Orva26]

*sigh*

Why can't the coincidences stop? Why am I almost at the point of conceding and gaining a belief in fate?

To put this in perspective I just came back on because reading True Selves has really been a mixed bag, in some sections and some parts there were things that absolutely screamed to me as holding true for me, others that caused doubt, and now an interested indifference. The book was writen giving examples of and to help people understand the kind of TS that always knew, but I feel myself to be one that has swallowed so many of societies pills that I have hidden this even from myself. I was about to come on and ask for literature about that kind of thing but then I saw this topic!

Things are real hazy for me. I definitely was not identifying AS a girl when growing up but more with them in my early life as most my close friends were female. I was never particularly masculine, did not have a high perpensity to fight and if I was faced with conflict in general I would seek outside help instead of trying to resolve it myself. By puberty I self exhalted so that fighting was something so below me when I was insulted I did get angry but I also enjoyed the knowledge that the people insulting me were only giants physically and in terms of ego. When it came down to it I was their superior intellectually and they, in my mind, would not amount to anything meaningful in their life. Actually I have a specific memory where one of my classmates stuck up for me in middleschool and said, "Don't make fun of *my male name* when you're a bum he'll drive by in his limo and he'll recognize you and offer you a job. Then he'll tell you he was kidding and put his cigar out in your face!" Is it bad that imagining actually doing that made me very happy?

There is an interesting duality to this though. I did enjoy shows like He-man, The Power Rangers, and X-men. I played with swords and guns and pretended to be characters like He-man, Wolverine, etc. Does that mean that I am a male who fantasized like that because he wasn't courageous enough to do it in real life? Well I think that is in part right, but only in that I couldn't do it in real life. Even though I didn't self identify as female things would make sense that the in-ability to act in the normal male pattern was due to me not really being male. Maybe the fantasizing about being those strong male characters was a way I tricked myself out of that realization.

I also never really had an understanding of things like baseball cards or boys pre-occupation with sports. I would much rather be outside exploring or playing on the playground with my friends. A lot my close ones were female so I too fit:

Lots of my close friends were girls, although I must have come off as a femme boy amongst tomboyish girls.

to and extent. I have always made a more empathetic friend, as well as lover than I think is typical of a male.

At puberty was when I began to fantasize, sexually about being female. I'm too sick of reguretating it to detail that again but it persisted for a while. Into college, where I first learned of transgenderism and then it got focused into that area. It is only until now that it has broadened and deepened. I'm at the age of 23 and have come out to myself as TS (still feel I need a diagnosis to be completely sure; actually I think its more like I just need a diagonsis for confidence). In my head I am Orva now and a lot of dots have been connected that make that right. Just wish that the male biochemistry and fear wouldn't keep on coming with new ways for me to doubt that.

Oh yeah, the CDing isn't a given I haven't really done it until a few months ago!

Anyone else have this kind of mega stealth?

[Guest]

Being Transgender or one gender is not one size fits all. It's fluid on a spectrum. if you look at a color chart of all the shades of all the colors you'll get the idea as one color blends into another. While yes, there are groups, these are fluid in varying degrees too. The fact is though that you'll see yourself in bits and pieces of many stories here. For every post that states how the member feels there are hundreds if not thousands more that feel the same or have had similar experiences. Most cis-gendered women are not ultra feminine and most men don't all thump their chests.

Sometimes transgender people tend to over compensate in both ends of the gender spectrum. Some Mtf's growing up can tend to be overly macho to hide their feminine traits and overly feminine in transition. As was mentioned we can be actors in character.

One of the most common emails (thousands) I get is from a friend, spouse or family member of a transgender person and them being shocked that they never saw and MTF as Female or an FTM as Male. They couldn't see it coming. Most would say that they couldn't see a masculine (FTM) or feminine (MTF) bone in their body. How's that for "acting"? Sometimes we can even fool ourselves. It's overwhelming very few ever guessed their loved one was Transgender. I think if we had acted like ourselves all our lives we would have been more accepted. Then though we'd be "Outed" which is another scary concept. Self preservation is a natural thing.

No one here is qualified to diagnose people. This is why a Gender therapist should always be seen. http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm . The mind is a tricky thing.

Laura

[Guest Donna Jean]

Sometimes transgender people tend to over compensate in both ends of the gender spectrum. Some Mtf's growing up can tend to be overly macho to hide their feminine traits and overly feminine in transition. As was mentioned we can be actors in character.

Laura

Yes.... this part was me...

My therapist said that all my life I had over-compensated for my feelings by being extra macho and doing dangerous (read: stupid) things to prove a manhood that just wasn't there...

I did dangerous jobs and had dangerous hobbies....

All I accomplished in the long run was to mess myself up for when I got older...

*ouch*

Donna Jean

[Guest Deena]

I was bullied alot up until early high school but not because I was effeminiate but because I was always so pudgy and weak. I never felt masculine and most of my life I have ways wanted to act feminine and I do now without worrying g how others see me. In stores I cross my arms when I walk. When I go outside in the cold if I feel like it I hold my coat closed with my arms crossed. These are femini e actions. I like it. I don't care who sees or what people think. My gt said I need to smile more as well - it's prettier. She's right. I do that more now. I also notices when you smile more at everyone, women smile back and men look at you like youre a nut case.

[Paula ult]

I knew from between ages 4-6 that i was different, elementary school was hard, i was considered weak and overweight so i was never picked by the boys or the girls to play at recess, high school was bad too, i was picked on by 2 boys in particular, if it was not for a boy who was considered a tough guy, was over 6' and around 350-400 pounds that befriended me i may not have made it through, for the next 38 years i struggled, joining a gym and body building, drag racing cars, i had at one time 18 ear piercings and a shaved head, quite intimidating but i would give someone the shirt off my back if they needed it, looking back at the few picture that were taken, a few showed my feminine side, after i came out to people some that had known me a long time said they saw the signs too but just thought i was gay.

Paula