Did You Always Act Femme?

[Guest Orva26]

Sometimes we can even fool ourselves.

I think I've been doing just that for a long time... puts me in an interesting quandry now.

The overcomposating thing, yeah that too. Before I really stopped to think/reflect/feel I was pretty much a parody of masculinity.

[Guest RadioheadRachael]

I've never been masculine but always been pretty good at being friends with guys. I like sports, playing or watching although I'm beginning to enjoy other things more. I've actually had good friends all my life, most of which have been male. Although, sometimes they have been mostly female. I've never had trouble relating to either gender.

I was never at all violent really, except for roughhousing with my brothers occasionally. But inflicting actual pain or having it inflicted on me is something I truly hate. It's just not in me.

I've often felt, when thrown into situations where I have to be very masculine, lost and confused. Like competing over women, like I want to know what to do but I have no idea. None of it is natural at all. It almost like women could sense I was different or less masculine. I'd much rather be hunted than do the hunting. However, with experience and confidence it has gotten much better.

Another example is doing manual labor. Man, am I ever terrible at that. I guess that might just be because I'm weak overall, but I just don't have an aptitude or passion for any of it. I can't count the number of times I've been looked at with exasperation by someone I'm doing manual labor with.

As for day-to-day life, I'm pretty stand-offish and reserved, with an annoying sense of discomfort when people get too close. I wish that part came easier to me, but I really have to know someone before I'll let them in my space. It makes me sad affection is so hard for me to show a lot of the time. Most of my friends think it's hilarious how easily they can make me jump, because I can't make myself be open to being touched without prior knowledge, so if anyone touches me on my back I'll jump a little because I didn't see it coming. Sometimes I feel like a pent-up paranoid.

When I finally do let someone in, I'm very touchy. My ex-girlfriend and I practically lived in each other's arms for a long time. It was an extremely feely relationship.

What that all means, I don't know. I've long thought without any indecision that if I had a choice between a genetic female or male, I'd chose female. But with all the baggage of being a MtF, it often doesn't seem worth it since I'm not miserable as a guy, just sort of unfulfilled. All the hurt, the losing of friends, family etc. Ugh, it's sad sometimes. I just don't see how I can make myself that vulnerable to everyone. Anyone who actually goes through with it is extremely brave.

[Guest Guest_SL]

Isn't it lousy that we can't be ourselves because of social stigma?

What bothers me is that "Normal" is only a group ethic and yet we have to dance to the tune that other, "normal" people call.

Behind the door of any individual, there'll be something they don't want the "group" to know about in their lives. You can bet on that.

I have three great examples from my own experiences but I don't want to hijack the thread.

I only acted feminine after I started to mimic my first girl friend when I was 11. And only around her and her mother. Then I stopped as I thought I was going insane, but I never forgot what I learned.

I can still affect feminine speech but the other mannerisms are long gone.

At this age, I can only imagine of how different things would have been.

I may have mentioned this before but a girl friend of mine sent me a photo of her and some friends taken in 1974 and one of her friends has the same facial features I had at that age (14). She's ever so cute and I'm sure I'd have looked much the same had things been different.

Interesting topic. Now, did anyone who acted feminine as a younger boy become the target of bullying?

Sara Lee