Understanding Why You Truly Have Liked Some Songs For A Long Time

[Guest Orva26]

This is going to be shorter and less coherent than I had wanted since it has just happened to me. Recently I have been re-exploring music I used to listen to and really like in adolescence and find that now I like it even more but there is also a realization as to why. With reasoning completely hidden or shielded from myself before, it isn't merely that they are good songs, it isn't merely that I find them neat or the have amazing song structure and instrumentation but it IS because you can really identify with them and their meaning in terms of your gender expression/issue/dysphoria.

It just happened to me as a result of reading in the table of context of the book True Selves and seeing a chapter called The Girl Behind the Glass. It reminded me of a Himsa song titled The Girl in Glass but this wasn't a, "Hey, cool similar titles!" reminder it was a slap in the face tear jerking one that made me understand why it is my favorite song off of that album, one that forced me to drop the book and IMMEDIATELY look up the lyrics to the song. Readers may look up the lyrics of their own accord but as a general summary the song is about a girl with issues who Rather be someone else, who Dates the tyrant child unsatisfied a portrait's trash, and Attempts corruption to marvel the ovations of thoughtlessness.

I... I think the last part is most true of me. Because of male socialization, doubt, and fear I have for the longest time relegated my feelings as being a fetish. I said once both to myself and here that I wish I could go back to that but I can't and if I did I would be diluting myself. Well its because that last line... IT IS SO TRUE! I feel that, that expression, that way, the last five years I spent doing it was all for that purpose to allow my mind a state of thoughtlessness on this. It was brief but the realization has made me cry... I'm going to take a break. Please tell me if you have had similar experiences.

-Orva

[Guest Emily Ray]

Orva,

I have two songs that I love and one is from my childhood. Que Sera! What Ever Will Be Will Be. I think everyone is familiar with this Doris Day favorite. I sang this song forever as a child never realizing what the words meant! Last year I listened to it again and this time the words spoke to me like a IDK. The second song is dolly partons Coat of Many Colors. This song brought me to tears as I waited for the bus good thing I had sunglasses and water proof mascara

[Guest sleeping chrysalid]

I looked up the lyrics to that song you mentioned and I have to say I have never heard a song with such a message. It is easy to see how that spoke to you and I can see myself in those lyrics. This is just part of my irrational and spiritual side but I tend to value the lyrics the most in songs. I look for lyrics that speak to me but in order for you to truly understand me I must explain that I have been asleep for the early years of my life. It is as if parts of my brain were not functioning until I eventually woke up (this might be as literally true as it is metaphorically true because I had no sense of smell until grade 4; the first thing I remember smelling was the McDonalds in the car when I was leaving elementary school for lunch). The point is that I did not pay attention to the music around me for quite some time because I was in a dazed and confused state. More recent songs that I have heard and have had some connection to include "Wise Men" by James Blunt, "The Way" by Fastball, "Feel Good Inc." by Gorillaz and Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day. I am ashamed to say that "Wise Men" makes me think of my elementary school bullies with spite. The lyrics "look who's alone now it's not me, it's not me" and "gotta ask yourself the question where are you now" make me think of the losers that tortured me and imagine them growing up and making nothing of themselves. It is cruel but I have often imagined myself one day owning a business with a CD player in my office holding job interviews when the name "Daniel Alcamo" comes up (I do not care that I am giving away his name). He walks in and the first thing I do is turn on the CD player and play this song. I imagine the moment when the lyrics "gotta ask yourself the question where are you now" resonate in the room and he realizes that after once towering over me as I lie on the pavement; he has become the victim of a dramatic reversal of fate. As soon as it gets to that point I remember my ingrained morals and hope that if something like that were ever to happen I would be able to treat him fairly without a grudge but I can not help but I am not sure what I would do. "Feel Good Inc." is a very sublime song that I heard my brother listening to but when I hear the lyrics and I see the video I begin to think about my life. I am trapped by my own devices and by others. Is my life any different from a dystopian world where I am controlled, enslaved and censured? Is there not a longing to one day break free? I think of the windmill as a symbol of eternal bliss and innocence. I wonder how I ever wound up locked in a tower and trapped in a cocoon knowing it may not be safe to come out? Boulevard of Broken dreams also puts me into a very reflective mood. The lyrics remind me of my loneliness. It is a great paradox that I can be surrounded by people, loving people, and still be entirely alone. I am alone because I am divided. I am separated by feelings and desires that I am too afraid to express. The way it ends is very deep. "Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me/'Til then I walk alone". The idea of hoping for someone to find you instead of seeking someone out is something that makes me think. I have the power to end my lonely wandering but I can not bring myself to use it. Sometimes I hope that my parents will or already have figured it out and this hope is what drives me to send messages in bottles. Sometimes I intentionally slip up or leave clues instead of continuing with to hide because I can not bring myself to tell them but I want them to find me because until someone does I walk alone. "The Way" reminds me of my fantasies of one day packing up and just leaving. I have more sense than that but I sometimes wish I could just stand up and walk straight out the door. I know that if I did that I would be throwing my life away and causing great pain and sorrow to the ones I love and so I don't. I also think about wandering in the proverbial life journey. We do not know where we are going and we are venturing into unfamiliar territory yet a feeling, a tug and a pull urges us forward. We remember the words of Joseph Campbell: "follow your bliss".

There is also a song that I heard and immediately thought of an instance in which I sung out my thoughts in the shower. It was completely improvised. The song as a whole had nothing to do with what I was feeling and it is just a play on the meaning of the famous lyrics "I want to break free" that reminded me of the instance in the shower. The song itself had less meaning to me than the similar symbolism in those famous lyrics to what I had sung in the shower. I had not heard that song at the time but the symbolism involved as I was singing of two cells is significant. I was singing about being trapped in a cell with every male on this earth knowing that right next door is a similar cell containing the females. I know it would be a cisgendered male fantasy to be trapped in a cell with a bunch of women but that is not what I meant when I sung about longing to break down the shared wall and enter into the desired cell. In essence I was singing "I want to break free" and I was not singing the famous song I was singing the phrase itself.

One song that does not relate to my gender identity itself but is still one that I think of a lot is a famous Christian song. A line of the song can be found in my signature "'Tis grace that brought me safe thus far and grace will lead me home." The lyrics I have just mentioned cause me to remember that if a divine being was not with me I may not be alive. It makes you feel lucky when a set of events occur at just the right times to begin and preserve your life (I am not talking about conception ). What I am talking about is how lucky I am that my parents are in constant communication and are very careful and loving because I could be dead. I do not remember this first instance but my parents have told me about it and I am lucky my dad had not recovered his fumble because I could have been boiled to death during my infancy. My dad spilled boiling hot water on my head when I was a child and if he had not regained his grip of the pot I would have received the whole pot and not just a small drop that was still enough to give me third degree burns. Multiply that by over one-hundred and you have certain death. I am lucky my parents found out about my overdose in time to save me (it was a double dose). My mother gave me my prescribed medication while she was at home with me and dad was away but dad did not find out that I had already taken it. Mom left and dad came home. Dad gave me my medication and would not have found out in time if mom did not happen to call home and hear about the second dose that dad had given me. The point is that if I truly believe that someone is watching over me I should not doubt that grace will lead me home. I know this sounds like a dangerous and confident attitude and I will obviously not lose my wits and do something incredibly reckless knowing that God will save me but it is a reassuring concept when I remember how lucky I am. I am also sure that there are luckier people who have had closer calls than I have had but I can still not forget that there are worse things that could have happened to me and I could be dead.

[Guest Emily Ray]

Tis grace that saved a wretch like me! Is the line from that song I relate to the most. I am so far from the perfection of God that I am not worthy of life yet through His grace I have eternal life! I can be brought to tears with the singing of an old hymn!

Huggs

Em

[Guest Orva26]

I'm sorry I have kind of neglected this tread. I really wanted to and want to share the thoughts I have had as a result of it and since it but in general things have been too intense for me to do that.

I will say now that you bring up a lot of good points chrysalid and I have had a lot of thought as a result of both your and Emily's post. Too make this as short and simple as I can right now, the name Fastball was familiar and I am deeply grateful that reading it again here made me check them out. I'm not coherent enough now and I need sleep because I will have to be up early tomorrow but I have been listening to Fastball a lot and have a lot of songs I identify with over the last two days. Their music even helped me out of a panic attack. Right now the song Someday is helping me out.

Thanks for bringing them up!

<3

Orva