My Own Sparkly Box!

[Guest Orva26]

Okay, so one of the biggest difficulties I've had is a feeling of displacement, not knowing exactly where I fit, what I can call myself, how I can convey it to others without an explanation paragraphs long, and most importantly if it is an accepted and received definition. But now I think I have one, and it is a little bit funny because it is kind of like going full circle and realizing that your first seemingly malformed thoughts are actually correct, acceptable, and validated. I want to share the experience in the most vivid and accurate way I can imagine which is simply re-typing the stream of consciousness writing I did after and during it. This is something that occurred as a result of actually forcing myself to start True Selves. Oh yeah sparkly box is my sarcastic term to describe diagnosis. Oh yeah no. 2 any red text are thoughts added now.

My OWN Sparkly Box

So in reading the section about the different types of transpeople something really ruffled my feathers. It seemed like the big crux of being TS (MTF) was wanting and even needing a vagina. I almost made a RAGE POST about it, where I was going to throw a tantrum and announce myself as a new term a cross-socioendocrine, i.e. someone who wants the biochemistry (hormones) and the body of a woman, along with the roles attached to it but who has absolutely NO interest in genital reassignment surgery.

But then I thought, "Silly Orva, you haven't even read the whole section yet!" and forced myself to. And learned of what is the closest thing or dare I say it, what is my sparkly box! Transgendered! Or at least one of the definitions:

...transsexual who choose to live in the world as the opposite gender on a full-time basis but do not wish to undergo SRS.

TIME TO EAT CANDY!

HAPPY TIME ORVA!

Haha! NO, THIS IS MY SPARKLY BOX! Er... I think I just came out to myself. Not sure though... the reaction was not turbulent, crazy, tear inducing, earth shattering or maddening, there was no tears over it.

What I did get was relief and then a mega concentrated burst of happiness and energy! I have literately not known what to do with myself for, idk 10 minutes. I spent that time walking briskly and confidently around my apartment almost involuntary in a state of pure euphoria, almost ecstasy! There was no doubt, and even now when I am purposely trying to forcibly bring doubt into my mind it doesn't stay, at it involves mental gymnastics! My mind either blanks at the attempt or I can rationalize it away quickly and naturally, with minimum effort!

OMG! I can rationalize about this!

HAPPY TIME PART II!

I really hope that my thoughts are right and the feeling that I won't come down off of this is correct! I think it is because:

Big list of reasons that I hope I can stay coherent for!

1) All my fantasies and why I can't go back to that path but yet thought maybe I should try. That was because I want/long/need (not AM because that isn't how I feel, thanks socialization!)to be a girl but keeping the gentiles that were associated with all the fantasies. It also made sense as to why as I neared the time I began questioning and during it my taste of fantasy shifted to this goal instead of fully female, because it is WHERE I SHOULD GO!

2) General low interest in CDing for a while and my enjoyment/feelings of it when I started. The feeling of reinforcement, that HRT is a correct and good idea. The complete and utter lack of interest in body shapers/breast forms is because I don't want to see how I look w/breast and curves... or... actually I DO! But I don't want to like that, I KNOW it wouldn't satisfy me and I would feel silly/regret buying them if I did (No offense to anyone for/to which these things bring comfort, they just don't jive w/ me personally) I want them to be MINE without prosthetics.

3) I had one but it evaporated because of warm-fuzzies!

I'm going to play some video games latter, not because I need to not think of this anymore but because I think I now have the ability to not have to or at least not have the thoughts of it become crippling!

Good thing I didn't save reading this book for when home over the holidays because then people would've been hugged, have no clue as to why, and would've put me in a tight spot! I seriously would've not been able to stop myself.

Okay, so that is all of it. I think I am sort of off the ecstasy of it right now and am slowly adjusting to a homeostatic state regarding the conclusion. Part of me is a little concerned if this might be a false positive like I had in the past, but I can't rationalize that, EVERYTHING MAKES TOO MUCH SENSE TO! Was it like this for anyone else too? I'm not even sure if it was really coming out to myself because it was so not what I expected the experience to be.

Also is there a way this could be cross forum (as in on multiple boards) posted? This seemed like the most appropriate place for it... but I think my identification is not one that is large in populous. And I kind of want to put it out there so as many people as possible can find it because I think it is a more hidden identification. As I don't want to have SRS vs. not needing it, or not being able to afford or do it for medical reasons. What I mean is I don't think the term non-op ts really completely captures it that is why I am going with transgender.

I don't think I am exactly out of the water yet because the next chapter in True Selves is about TS childhood and I don't remember ANYTHING being framed in terms of gender identity during my childhood. The most I got is that aside from my brush with roller hockey I did not really enjoy sports, didn't really ride a bike until later in life, and has mostly female friends for my early life. I'm a little shakey on this so I don't want to risk perturbing my happiness right now. Though I think I should just plow through it.

[Guest Orva26]

Meeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhh, I can feel the same somberness as before slowly creeping back, not exactly sure why though. It isn't really coherent of cause driven it seems. I think part of my brain is just not ready for this despite how I feel and how inescapable it is as a conclusion.

[Guest sarah f]

[2) General low interest in CDing for a while and my enjoyment/feelings of it when I started. The feeling of reinforcement, that HRT is a correct and good idea. The complete and utter lack of interest in body shapers/breast forms is because I don't want to see how I look w/breast and curves... or... actually I DO! But I don't want to like that, I KNOW it wouldn't satisfy me and I would feel silly/regret buying them if I did (No offense to anyone for/to which these things bring comfort, they just don't jive w/ me personally) I want them to be MINE without prosthetics.

Let me first say I am so happy you kept reading and found the place in the gender spectrum that you fit into. There are so many out there that don't want to have surgery. If that is your decision then I am all for it. Whatever makes you happy is most important to me.

Now to the prosthetics. I too don't like them or even thought of using them. I don't even have a wig. I prefer to be natural and let things happen even if it is too slow sometimes for me. Not everyone buys these things to make them look more girly. Some of us just prefer to let it happen on our own. I am not saying those that do are wrong because like I always say, do what makes you happy. It just is something that I don't do for myself.

Good Post Orva.

[Guest Orva26]

Thanks Emily!

I do agree that one of the main reasons I don't seek prosthetics is out of preference but I also don't want to because I think it would not help, i.e. it would really shake my resolve to see the result without a feminized body.

But also I have a part 2 that I have experienced today. It is as a result of going to a friend's blog (I won't link it because of conflicts with the rules here) but it made me realize something, something I think that was causing a lot of conflict in me, and the folly of that conflict. I kind of want to go into stream of consciousness mode for it but I'm getting the feeling it isn't appreciated. IDK, I think it might be off putting to some, what I do know is that before I went to sleep last night there was something like 35 views of this topic and not a single reply... kind of felt rejected. Idk, it kind of felt like if I MADE my post less genuine I would get more response. Whatever, I still have to go with the stream of consciousness, it is my thing and if I don't I feel like I am concealing truth from everyone, including myself.

Also, I'm posting this at the risk of ruffling some feathers but I think it is something I want to put out there. There might and probably will be things in the following that conflict with some people's views. I am not here to fight or start an altercation with those individuals I just want to be honest. Right now this place is the ONLY constant I have to vent my deep thoughts that is not in my own mind that is why I am compelled to post on here even things that may offend.

One last note, my friend will be referred to as the letter X instead of her real name.

***

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I haven't written about X yet! She'll probably be super mad an call me a ____. (addendum: there really wasn't a good way around that one aside from omission)

Haha, but X is a friend from online that talking with helped me begin to realize that what was a 'neat kink' might really be deeper. She is a lot similar to me in that we both don't follow the absolutist axiom of "It isn't about sexuality." I find myself in disagreement with that, ones gender identity can have a connection to sexuality it just doesn't absolutely have to.

I think X and I exemplify that, from talking w/her I found out that she too expresses a sexuality centered around being female. She would participate in RPs as a woman despite physicality and she found happiness in that for years. Like I have found satisfaction in my fantasies, erotica, and expressing them through the creation of erotica. In short the crux of my sexuality involves being female. I think that is even true of my interactions with my ex.

I make an empathetic lover. Almost feminine in approach maybe. (I'm not sure how true that is/if I am wishing/willing it to be true.) I was most contented when I knew she had/was enjoying our intimacy. It was NOT just for her and it was NOT just a front, something I viewed with terror, it was good and right. I did have concern with how I felt but that was deeply tied with how she felt. I would always ask if she had enjoyed things afterwords but not as a way to feel the man (unless in a case to fool myself) rather it was because I deeply wanted to know that I make a satisfying partner. At the risk of sounding stereotypical I believe that sentiment is typical female or at least feminine.

Today X made the announcement on her blog that she got the clearance/referral letter to see a Dr. regarding HRT. I am very glad for her because she is very sure that is her correct path. I am also concerned for her because she does have some risk factors, but she is aware and knows that some of them are stress related and the origin of that stress is her GID and her spouse's contempt of it. I hope that being on HRT will rid her of the risk factors and I believe it is because they are more a result of not being on HRT than anything else.

We are similar in another way as well, our end goal. X actually self identifies as a she-male. I think that may fit me to an extent as well. I think what is keeping me from doing the same is the nasty connotation of the word. True Selves paints she-male as meaning a MAN who is involved in porn/prostitution who chiefly modify their bodies for commercial reasons, i.e. as a selling point or to be an exotic commodity in porn.

X does wish to be involved in modeling and porn but I cannot see this extremely demeaning and vilifying definition in her. In her post and when chatting with her everything about her mannerisms and speech pattern comes across as unflinchingly FEMALE. *added: though she is VERY girly. I believe that is just her personality though.

There is also another part to True Selves definition right after the part about altering bodies w/ HRT and breast augmentation.

"...others because the image of duality of their bodies is sexually arousing to them."

Even that isn't wholly correct of X and I.

Another thing that has me slightly irritated is how True Selves only refers to she-males as MEN. They look like girls, act like girls, and alot pursue HRT to truly be able to think/feel internally like girls.

There is a certain truth in this part of the definition for me. I think the reason I do not wish for SRS does have a sexual component and I won't lie that there is an arousal that comes with that but I think what I am finally realizing is the reason for that is that this is my ideal body image. It is important to me now that I am able to be socially accepted as female and have the same biochemistry, and curves. But since its not simply that I don't need SRS and even that I don't want SRS but rather the retaining my parts down there is central and important to my body image. I think that the duality mentioned is important but the motivation for it is identity driven (i.e. this is who I long to be) vs. purely sexually driven.

I know that HRT WILL change the functionality of what is down there, I may lose the ability to ejaculate, become construct, or potentially even to experience a 'true' penile orgasm. Though I have heard from individuals who went this route that they still have sensation and can still orgasm, but it is just different. It is also not a given that I will lose the ability to get construct. I have made acquaintances with a girl online who has been on HRT for 6 years (*addendum: she is also fulltime I believe), 2 by herself and 4 'officially' and can still get construct.

But HRT will also transform my sexuality and shift it more towards the feminine, which (though I already express it) is something I deeply want. I want it for the emotional and physical parts I can't really have, rather only impersonate with my current biochemistry; the spread of sexual longing and feeling to my body where now it is localized in my brain and select 'areas', just an overall more complete immersion in it and almost every facet I can imagine. A better alignment of it to how I view and feel about it which I cannot achieve w/my current physicality.

I think that a lot of the confusion and pain has been from not owning up to that. From trying to pidgin-hole myself as something else. Instead of just writing/working this out. I think the massive yo-yoing I have been doing is due to not owning up, yet there is still no guarantee I won't yo-yo some more. The happiness I had yesterday was genuine and pure, I am transgendered, I fit someplace under the umbrella but I feel I can not exactly be described as TS even though that is the group I feel the most closeness and kinship to.

***

There now that's about as honest as I can get. I really do find the absolutism of "Its not about sex." to be disturbing. Makes it seem like if you have a connection to sex than, BAM! No HRT or transitioning for you. I don't think that makes any sense at all. I do agree that people who get into this thinking, OMG THIS WILL BE THE WAY TO REALIZE MY ULTIMATE KINK! Are completely off base and will be greatly be disappointing. But I don't feel that, that is me. Its like part of my dysphoria is connected to sex in the sense of role, feeling, and expression. And I don't think the answer is to "suck it up" and stay male and be satisfied with how I can express as male. I tried that, I even self gratified to that but soon after I was right back where my true sexuality is, wishing for a female body and mind.

I'd like some input in this, I do not feel and cannot feel/believe that this is a big red flag for HRT. What I do feel is that it might not jive so well with the board. So if personally you cannot come up with anything or are in disagreement with me wholly I do beseech you to post your thoughts (though civilly, absolutism upset me) but I also would hope that you would think of these questions:

If you have transitioned or are planning to do so either fully or partially through HRT.

Has transitioning/HRT alleviated woes not only of role, and expression but of sexuality as well?

Have/did you find yourself lacking a sexuality that held regards for others, i.e. autosexual before beginning transition/HRT but have gained/been relieved to gain a sexuality involving others as a result?

Has transitioning/HRT given you a sexuality, i.e. you really did not have one at all until these events.

If you have not transitioned

Do you feel in a manner similar to the one I have detailed here now? Please elaborate.

I won't lie a lot of these question are meant to help me but I also hope that they provoke thought in others as well.

-Orva

[Guest Elizabeth K]

VERY complicated TOPIC

First, let me say I see nothing wrong in placing all your opinions here. That is what the Forum is for. Of course there are rules and we moderators generally watch to see if discussions are within the general limits.

Secondly, I am not a supporter of using HRT for the purpose of anything else except helping a gender dysphoric transsexual transition, and finally become secure as their true selves. I get a lot of criticism for this opinion. BUT, that opinion is self fulfilling as HRT turns us into women, there is no shopping list, no Chinese Menu (chose one from column A, two from column . You get on HRT for any other purpose than that of becoming a woman, it doesn't work and all the arguing in the world wont change that.

HRT is all or nothing. And Laura's Playground ALWAYS advocates a legal and monitored useage. That is for a reason, as unmoderated use can kill you.

BUT- I also want to say there is a erotic element to everything - including gender dysphoria. I dont believe that explaining this to a therapist will preclude you from being diagnosed TS - if that is what you are.

Finally, the term "she-male" is not used here. My understanding is this is more of a sexual orientation, not a gender dysphoria, but I won't argue because I don't think it matters what we are called, or call ourselves.

..................................

All tht said, to your question - I am full time, just past 2 years HRT - but preop

If you have transitioned or are planning to do so either fully or partially through HRT.

I am full time, just past 2 years HRT - but preop

Has transitioning/HRT alleviated woes not only of role, and expression but of sexuality as well?

I was sexually active as a playacting male, just I fantasied mysef as female during intimacy. I sired three children that way.

Have/did you find yourself lacking a sexuality that held regards for others, i.e. autosexual before beginning transition/HRT but have gained/been relieved to gain a sexuality involving others as a result?

I have aways loved what women are - prefer women as my sexual partner - but private gratification was a large part of my male playacting days. It is now non-existant.

Has transitioning/HRT given you a sexuality, i.e. you really did not have one at all until these events.

No - it's more like HRT COMPLETELY changed my sexualty. I experience climax as a woman would, other than in the obvious way, being preop. HRT totally eliminates male functioning.

All this is my personal experience, and my personal opinions. I am not saying it is like this for everyone.

Lizzy

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dearest Orva

The simplest thing to know about yourself is to keep it very simple. From your core, simply be who you are and express who you are.

Everything else will follow

Love

Brenda

[Guest Orva26]

Thanks Liz and Brenda!

I'm gonna try and do a quick post because being in 'happy mode' about this made me forget to start making dinner.

As for the complicated topic...

I try, I try.

Nah, its more like I find myself in a complicated situation.

Secondly, I am not a supporter of using HRT for the purpose of anything else except helping a gender dysphoric transsexual transition, and finally become secure as their true selves.

Its good, I am not bothered by views like this any longer. Its like I have matured as a person a little bit. I will just offer one thing to simply express my view. I think that a gender dysphoric TS needing transition is the best fit for HRT as in it is obvious that they should have it but like a lot of medical treatments I do not think that HRT's sole purpose is that. It may be used to treat other ills as well but it must be done so with caution.

I think that is actually a big part of why I will be going the 'official' way. I am nearly sure this is what I want and what is right but seeing a professional will make me SURE.

...that opinion is self fulfilling as HRT turns us into women, there is no shopping list, no Chinese Menu (chose one from column A, two from column . You get on HRT for any other purpose than that of becoming a woman, it doesn't work and all the arguing in the world wont change that.

I wouldn't mind being turned into a woman mentally. It actually seems very pleasant, nice, and good. I may not be seeking to become a woman in the sense that I will not be doing anything down stairs but I'm pretty much looking to in every other regard. Idk, its weird kind of like I want to do everything but take that last plunge and I am completely cool with that now.

HRT is all or nothing. And Laura's Playground ALWAYS advocates a legal and monitored useage. That is for a reason, as unmoderated use can kill you.

Oh, I know that I won't be able to self medicate. It just is too risky and that risk is especially apparent to me since I am a chemist and all. But also down the line other people in my life will have to know and I wouldn't be able to tell them I think if I didn't go the 'official' way. As in I would be far to scared of rejection without a GTs word to back me.

BUT- I also want to say there is a erotic element to everything - including gender dysphoria. I dont believe that explaining this to a therapist will preclude you from being diagnosed TS - if that is what you are. Finally, the term "she-male" is not used here. My understanding is this is more of a sexual orientation, not a gender dysphoria

Very much true! I feel like a GTs diagnosis would probably be TS. But at this point, without that there are still some differences I at least perceive between myself and that diagnosis. My conclusion also has helped me rationalize something in my mind, the event that I can't post here do to both its personal nature and actual content.

OOOOOOHHHH!!!! If it is more of a sexual orientation then it is based on my knowledge completely possible to be both TS and have that orientation. TS sexual orientation spans the whole range. That has actually really helped me out. Guess that might be how I have to describe myself. It is entirely possible that the erotic component to my GID is the largest one and that this might be just a stop on the journey but it is a good one. I thought of a metaphor before. Its like my path is one of those slate walkways but an unkempt one with most stones cracked. Things like my post from yesterday, going to the TS holiday party, and now are the few stones that aren't cracked the ones I notice and am grateful for as I walk along.

Your answers to the questions are very helpful as well, but in my hunger all I've got is...

No - it's more like HRT COMPLETELY changed my sexualty. I experience climax as a woman would, other than in the obvious way, being preop. HRT totally eliminates male functioning.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!

Er... that sounds completely amazing. I've heard a lot in contrast to the last part but if it does happen to the word as it did to you to me I'd be cool with it.

Now to improvise myself a dinner!

[Guest Tiaria]

Dang, Orva, You beat me to the punch.

I'll keep it short, cause my turn is coming up!

It's good to know you've found that little piece of yourself, and I hope it will give you all the peace of mind you need.

[Guest Orva26]

It is very apparent to me that I didn't make this topic because I HAD come out to myself but rather to make myself/come out to myself in. I am sorry if people feel like I am ignoring their replies, that is NOT the case but rather over the past few days things have been so intense that I just need to share ...my mind has been crazed and obstructed, I simply cannot spend time giving the thoughtful responses that I have in the past.

I have acquired two things recently both I view in duality as 'superpowers' and 'curses'. The first is the ability and knowledge that I am physically capable so something I was a jerk about, something I felt above, panic attacks. They are so contrary to the nature that I thought was mine. I have become insanely aware of how they progress, first I will be deeply disturbed and thought processes will become NULL, or dazed and numb. Then usually I am instantly aware that one of my feet is asleep and that is the window, if I don't confuse my brain with noise, a monotone mantras, it will start. My expression of this as a superpower exist only in the strictest and purest of sarcasm.

The second supercursepower is that two days ago, after reading Liz's response, and thinking how I really do want and feel it is inescapable that I should be a woman. I tried to rationalize my feelings for my gentiles. And that along with reading about a TS's confusing childhood experience with the game Dr. brought back something, my experience with it that I remember. I do not feel safe putting it out on a public forum so I will leave it simple and obstructed. It is something I have not been able to FEEL about in so long... I think it may be the reason why some aspects of my childhood feel particularly hazy. It is also the thing that makes me fear greatest that a therapist will respond to me like, "LOL! YOU NO TRANSSEXUAL! YOU GAY!" No there is nothing wrong with being gay regardless of gender and its expression but it is just that I don't think it fits. I literally cannot imagine myself with a man as a 'man'. I think if I were to try with my current visage it would HAVE to be with someone who knew and accepted my struggle, I would have to take the sterotypical feminine and submissive role, and I may even need to be cross-dressed. And I cannot bring myself to try as I think it would just leave me confused and desolate...

The experience I dug up is the dark secret I cannot divulge in entirety here, it is also the reason why the woman I feel as just simply HAS a penis. It is something that has been obstructed and confused for so long but even the clarity I have now is strange because it is something that society constructs in my mind as something that I should be viewing as almost sexual abuse and should find abhorrent. Ah, screw it I'm going for it. In short the two instances of Dr. I remember happened between me and a male friend when very young and I always played the role of the woman. I have no clue how I truly feel because I have obstructed it so very cleverly and well from myself for years but I think that seemed natural and right to me at the time. That seems the most logical given all my feelings and recent realizations about things from my past but I don't KNOW and when I don't KNOW something I second guess myself. Though now I have come to believe it that for this that is because I have poisoned myself so much with false prescriptions form Dr. Society. Well I don't think I can wait much longer to sue the entirety of society for malpractice!

I have been able to say to myself "I am Orva and I am transsexual." Even been able to do it while looking into my own eyes in the mirror. But it is something I have been making it a point of doing in order to steel myself to it, to make it more concert. At first when I did it I had elation, deep happiness, soon after fooled by tears. And now after yesterday I don't even freaking know... but I haven't been able to even concentrate enough to eat in the past 24 hours and the only way I was able to get any sleep this morning (4:30am - 12:30pm) was huddled in a blanked, curled in the fetal position on top of my bed. Yesterday was filled with duality, elation and terror, and I cried because I finally realized, like really realized that I'm not okay, that I don't like this, and that I NEED to get better because it is all becoming debilitating.

I can't document everything because I am so drained but the most anxious and confusing day (or at least that is how my mind has constructed it since I knew of it) that my ex visited happened yesterday. We had a real deep and meaningful conversation about gender and sexuality that was started by her and that we both admitted we never really had face to face with anyone before. It was brought up because she told me that she is going to visit a long lasting friend of hers and meet with another friend but that he was, "A boy with a vagina." Those were her words and please no one find them offensive she is a good person who really does understand the situation rather I feel that she spoke that way because she had no clue that I DID as well and couldn't express it in any other way. We talked a little about it there and she mentioned that she might try to date or at least be intimate with him and I told her I didn't see anything wrong with that and that if that is what she wants she should go for it.

When and where the conversation really took off was in my car when I was driving her back to the ferry she needed to take. We had a deep conversation and although I wasn't wholly truthful I really was speaking from my heart. I told her that I find that transsexuals out of all the groups in the LGBT spectrum is the one that I feel that most people still can't wrap their heads around because they just simply haven't progressed to the point of separating out sexuality and gender. I mentioned that I have known transsexuals both online in person and although I couldn't articulate it well, that when I meet them in person I could really not see them as anything but the gender they presented, i.e. to me a mtf is not a transwoman, but rather simply a woman, and likewise a ftm is a man. Then I mentioned how society seems to be such that, that fact gets obstructed even to a good amount of TS themselves. I said that, although I haven't really met or talked extensively with a ftm I think they have their own unique concern in that expressing themselves automatically makes them a tomboy and that everyone assumes it is a mere phase and not something deep. And she mentioned the hell that I have found myself in that the situation for a mtf is that they really don't even have that, as painful as it must be.

I was very close to coming out right there but I couldn't. Not with my new found superpower of panic attacks and with the feeling that one might happen. We were on a highway being hurled in a metal coffin... the conversation stalled for a little bit before I came out to her sexually as maybe a compromise with myself. I said something like, "More and more I feel myself as what I have heard called as pansexual. As in I am more attracted to an individual than a particular physicality." I couldn't see her physical reaction because I had to watch the road but I believe she took it well. She next asked me, "Would you be with a boy?" And to that I answered truthfully, but not completely, "I think if I found the right one... I still have some barriers about that." To that she just rested her head on my shoulder and told me that I am great. I teared up just now before righting this but that was both the simplest and most profound thing anyone has said in my entire life! Our conversation veered onto other subjects. But kept its depth. I told her some other things that I have never shared with anyone else or anywhere before.

As a whole yesterday made be appreciate her beauty (meant in a complete sense, and not just physically), and deepened my connection and love with/for her so much for me. I really hope it did the same for her. When I got back I spent hours writing a coming out letter for her with excitement and with the true intention of typing it and emailing it to her. But after I had finished I couldn't, I felt like I had chickened out, that I was a big baby. I was so frustrated and hateful of myself, nothing indicated that I should hold back like this! But I couldn't do it... not out of fear of rejection, I cannot come up with any reason for it that feels real in my mind, but instead out of utter terror of causing her hurt. And the uncertainty of how it might transform or relationship. In the letter I couldn't hold back, my admittance was not softened in anyway just what I feel and can no longer shake as the truth, that I am transsexual. I don't think I can be soft to her about that, how can I even white lie after such a deep conversation? One that put me at ease enough to admit my sexuality? She has been so open to me in telling me about her friend I should have that same openness with her about myself!

I went on the chat to try and figure it all out... but that was a mixed bag and I couldn't decide. In the end I just ended up curling up and crying myself to sleep. I have the thought, "Is this weakness?" but that weakness I feel does not and cannot reflect on my character but rather my state and my condition and how deeply it has disturbed me. Like a plague it has nearly completely devoured the joy I should have about starting out in the world with my goal of independence and a career. I don't think I can read the book I borrowed from a co-worker that I REALLY should read because it will help me greatly in doing my job but I can't until I finish True Selves and even that I am only about a forth of the way into and it has been intensely emotional.

In the end I woke up today and found that the best thing for me was that sleep because as I sat to write this I had clarity about this. The feeling of terror and my inability to will myself to type up this letter and send it exist mainly because I can't. It is a truth to me and it freaking hurts. Its like, I know her so well and we connect so deeply in so many ways why the hell can't I just tell her? I kind of just wish that I "slipped" up and told her in the car, like doing it spontaneously would be better for everyone. Why do I have the pitiable feeling that I need a diagnosis before I can tell her when I feel/think that her blessing will be what I need to give the whole of society the middle finger and just express myself how I truly see fit, regardless completely of the ignorance of others.

Its soul tearing that now I feel the "fantasy" is my waking life. Is not being able to share this, will be attending the party I have been invited to tonight and the diner as well as a male is the escape that is now tearing at my soul. I am even contemplating something I have never done before and that is being a DD and hardly drinking, at most a beer. Just because I can't trust myself right now... I can't be certain that in a chemically induced state where my inhibitions are so lowered that I won't come out.

Alright I'm gonna force myself to eat now... then I have to look up directions for stuff, probably take a quick shower, and be off to I don't freaking know, ACT I guess?

-Orva

[Guest Roxanna L]

Orva, my dearest friend,

as I only fully realised what I am, yesterday, I can fully understand the feelings you are having. I can understand (and feel) your apprehension about telling your girlfriend; but it is not weakness, it is not cowardice, that keeps you from speaking up and reaching out. It is concern for the feelings of someone you care about, and it is perfectly natural. You care a great deal about her, and have no wish to hurt her. That is a most admirable trait, Orva, and one you should cherish...

I, myself, have not yet come out fully to my parents. As much as I know, deep down, that they'll love me to hell and back, I can't help but be afraid the sudden shock would be too much, that they'd be shell shocked at my suddenly going about my days as a girl calling herself 'Roxanna'. I care about them, too, just as much as you care about your girlfriend.

So, I've decide to ease them in. No sudden things, no surprises, just taking one small step, at a time.

Because, that you've had your 'revelation', just as much as I had mine, does not mean you should immediately tell everyone...

Orva, please... take it slow... I understand your pain, and I wish there was more I could say to ease it...

Hugs,

Anna

Ps.:

I've made up my mind about coming out to my kin, this weekend. I know a trans friendly bar in the Hague, were I intend to pour my heart out.

But I will be going en homme, not only because I don't have anything appropriate to wear, but because I'm still too afraid to show my true face...

[Guest Orva26]

First off, good luck with telling your parents!

And thanks... this was one of the few cases where I was looking for a specific kind of response to my franticness and you gave it wonderfully. There is one thing though, she is my ex-girlfriend, not currently together.

You mentioned how I should ease people into things, well the time that I had to be away (really was had because I didn't have internet access) made me begin to and now it is very apparent that the reason I felt my sexual coming out as a compromise was because it was. But it was done involunitarily with the intent of easing her up for the idea.

Another reason why I didn't do it was because she was going to meet her friend and I wouldn't want my news to potientailly impact that meeting for the both of them. I think my original instict of when she first told me about him, the almost overwhelming feeling that the timing was too good and (I am not completely comfortable at the thought, as in I feel bad for viewing it in this light) her reaction/experience to and with him would be a critical thing I could use to gauge actually coming out.

It seems hanging out with friends relieves my feelings and concerns as I can wholly concentrate on them and having a good time. The party was pretty great and more events happened there that caused thought on this. One of them was seeing 2 of my friends, one male one female passed out together in drunken snuggling. My immediate thought was not how lucky my male friend was but rather how nice it must be for my female one. And I found nice thoughts and hope that one day I could truly know the same thing from her perspective. Another one that is clear in my mind happened when I was sleeping. Someone wandered into the room and asked, "Hey, do you know where X is?" *where X is a male name but not mine* And then she proceeded to mistake me for him, and in my half asleep state that confused and concerned me. But then she apologized with something like, "I didn't mean to scare anyone, everything will be okay." I don't know why but hearing the last part was great for me. It made me really feel like this whole thing will be resolved/worked out someday.

When I got back to my parents I also found out that my brother is suprizingly knowledgable about transpeople, though some of it is misguided. Where before I felt uneasy doing so, now not only am I openingly offering knowledge but I am feeling good doing so without a regard as to who may hear. I talked with him about other cultures where there are accepted genders aside from male and female, how there is an identity, expression, and role aspect to gender, how now it is accepted that sexuality has no bearing on if an individual should transition, how some individuals pursue HRT but no surgeries (probably where I will go), the difference between TV (term he used) and TS and that it has become accepted that a TS could express themselves as a TV before opening to themselves and others. It was so nice to be able to talk about those things again with someone close. It was not with the same depth as with my ex but I may have a second person that will recieve this well.

Tomorrow is Christmas and my family is hosting. I'm just going to see how it makes me feel and I think when I get back to my apartment I will call a GT and see about setting an appointment. Also, if I become inactive for a few days that will just be because my brother will be visiting with me at my apartment. I'm going to try to read a little more of True Selves before going to bed.

[Guest Roxanna L]

Orva,

I'm glad it helped.

Ex-girlfriend or not, you still care; and I think that's good thing...

And I do agree that simple socialising is the best way to relieve the stress, as it takes your mind off of things. After all, stress brings a lack of judgement, which could get you into serious trouble. Let's avoid that, shall we? So, relax.

You know, the "everything will be okay" part is very much like what my therapist said to me yesterday, when I was leaving: "Everything you learn about yourself, is good"... Alright, now I'm getting scared...

I don't really know about my relatives. We, as a family, are reasonably liberal and open-minded, but I don't even know how my sisters are going to react to to this... They don't live at my place, any more, as they're much older than me. It feels weird, being called an 'uncle' when you're just fifteen... One of them is married, and has three sons...

Oh my god! How am I going to explain this to a bunch of kids who aren't even six, yet...?!

And as for calling a GT: there's a time and place for everything, and I think the time is juuuust right.

Hugs,

Anna

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

Orva:

Forgive me for arriving late to this particular party, but I only now discovered this post of yours and I find it altogether fascinating and intriguing. Why?

Because, for all intents and purposes, I feel very much about this entire matter as you do. No, hon, it's not just you. By no means are you alone in having these thoughts and inclinations.

First, may I kindly beseech you to stand your ground and not worry about what "True Selves" says or what the so-called "standard of transsexuality" happens to be at this moment. As in any discipline and endeavor, human understanding of transsexuality, transgenderism, what have you, is ever evolving. Any and every area of human enquiry has its dogmatists, i.e., people who insist on certain definitions of things and demand that anybody and everybody both conform to and obey their definition. Fie upon them. This is a from of bigotry; hence, why would we subject ourselves to its dictates? Surely, we should not, IMHO.

Second, like you, I have no particular desire to undergo SRS/GRS. Though I've been on HRT for one year and one month now, my sexual orientation is still very much towards preferring women. Mind you, I can appreciate that certain guys are handsome and, I daresay, appealing, but I do not have any desire to make it with them. I LOVE connubiality with women and, by gosh ... by golly ... by gum, male and female genitalia seem to be custom-designed to naturally fit together and work in accord together. Hey, I'm not knocking people who are into guys or are bisexual. Live and let live, I say. However, I'm still into women, so for me, a bisexual woman who is way into another woman with guy bits would be the ultimate partner to me. Again, this is just my opinion.

Third, like you, I both share and enjoy experiencing the sexual aspect of things. Again, that's just me. Mind you, the point is altogether moot in my particular case inasmuch as manifesting sexuality implies a partner, and I have none. Indeed, I've not "done the deed" with ANYBODY in over ten years. Autoeroticism relieves "the urge" but does NOT satisfy. However, I also am into the duality to which you allude in your post. You've got company girl. It's not just you. No, I don't believe I have "autogynephilia" and, in fact, find the whole concept of such to be rather contrived.

Girl, just be you. That's what I say. Your writing evinces a first-rate intellect. In fact, upon perusing your interests as you list them on your profile, I share many of them and salute you out of intellectual respect. Rock on, honey!

Yeah, I know. There will be those who will read this and become positively incensed, and to a very great degree, about what you've written and what I've written. That is fine. They are entitled to their opinions. Again, I say: "Live and let live."

They can certainly have their opinions of things and of me; however, I shall proceed apace to live my own life with gusto and aplomb and shall not let anybody's definition of whether or not I'm trans affect me in any way whatsoever.

I'd say: "Live your own life and enjoy it, girl!"

Peace, hon. Happy New Year!

Lacey

[Guest Orva26]

Late as you may be, I thank you for coming to this party.

Now for it to continue with another really long typical Orva post!

Alright, I'm done! There has to be something to that concept of fate. I can no longer rationalize all the recent happenings in my life as happy coincidences. I still cannot place stock in a deity but I feel as if people do have intended paths. Fate is a soft thing, if you are aligned with your path it is no apparent but if you have strayed it will nudge you back. My nudges should have been obvious. Begin questioning things deeply, get job with a company rated as %100 tolerant by the Human Rights Campaign, find this site, meh... a list would take to long, but the last item of it would be that last post of yours Lacey.

Tonight has been interesting. I wrote a post, ate some dinner, and intended to read more of True Selves. Instead I ended up back on the internet browsing around checking various communities I have posted in. The one that had to do with hypnosis had some activity in a topic I made specifically:

Your eternal conflict has pitted your income stream in opposition to your integration of your personality. Interestingly, you inner self is a battered woman bullied by her bread winner.

The conflict might not have been 'eternal' as it was framed but the other part fits nicely (though harshly). I really do feel that all the doubt, all the shame, and the attempts to escape something I admitted to myself and found elation with fit this pattern. I still cannot say I feel like a woman inside though now I believe that is because society has been smacking her around so much. These beating were unintentional but weathering them has made me meek. I even have flung them back at myself.

As for why I wish for HRT despite having things well off as a guy, HELL IF I KNOW! What I do know is that is what I desire, what I feel my path is. I can no longer fool myself by trying to imagine myself as male in the future, I have no drive for the mental gymnastics that requires.

I have spent the last five hours removing body hair as I thought I would after holiday times. A little while after starting I self gratified. I did so a total of 3 times while shaving. There was no confusion or resentment during the act and it was satisfying yet I continued to shave. Why? Well there is a duality there as well. It is no secret that AS I discovered sexuality I also discovered I enjoyed fantasizing about being female in gender. It just brought me deep contentment. Biochemically, after a male body climaxes a rush of chemicals are released that calms the mind and muscles, thus as a result I found that relief because it was chemically imparted into me.

How to word it... I think based on the timing and events that a deep and legitimate (Ugh, why can't I find a better word) concern became fetishized and it was not until recently that it has resurfaced in its true form. In short I am not as I am because I am a guy who is trying to make something he shouldn't out of his "neat kink". Rather it is because I am as I am that I developed that to begin with. Heck the first time I self gratified in this capacity I barely even realized I was doing so until it was over. I guess it was a convenient way to express as female that just got out of hand with the help of socialization. As a result the way I am most familiar with expressing myself as female is connected to a male act/part. This is another reason why I don't think I'll pursue GRS.

Well instead of hiding from it in shame/disgust I am going to let it happen. If I feel like self gratifying I will do it but I won't and no longer have the need to do it ritualistically. I am going to revisit hypnosis but I will do so on my terms an in a much more mature fashion. After all, there was nothing wrong with pursing it in the first place. If I didn't want the suggestions, they would NOT have taken hold, nor would I have even attempted hypnosis to begin with. I won't let it rule me but rather use it as I originally intended, as a tool to help me.

As you encouraged I won't feel burdened by True Selves or how well I fit into that framework. When it comes right down to it, regardless of similarities, this is about me, how I want to live my life and the goals I want to pursue. I shouldn't be sitting around performing thought dissection and mutilation, I should be trying to realize these goals. I am going to contact two gender therapist early next week and really get the ball rolling.

I had more to say but I'm kind of running out of steam...

Thanks for the reply and

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

;)Orva:

Hon, you said:

As you encouraged I won't feel burdened by True Selves or how well I fit into that framework. When it comes right down to it, regardless of similarities, this is about me, how I want to live my life and the goals I want to pursue. I shouldn't be sitting around performing thought dissection and mutilation, I should be trying to realize these goals. I am going to contact two gender therapist early next week and really get the ball rolling.

I had more to say but I'm kind of running out of steam...

Thanks for the reply and

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

_____________________________________________________________

Excellent!

Isn't it amazing that on this thread you have two people of vastly different ages, Anna and me, who think your posts are awesome and can truly relate to and empathize with all that you are saying be means of them? Heck, when I was Anna's age, the Internet (as we know it today) was mere science fiction. Now, here we are spanning the generations and having a most marvelous meeting of like minds by way of this splendid medium of communication. Far out!

Girl, it's all about you! Remember that, please. Permit this older sister to encourage you to simply be yourself, enjoy the ride and not stress so over definitions and the like. When we finally breathe our last breath, what definition will make any difference in that moment anyway? None will, of course. Are you hurting anybody by what you are thinking and doing? Methinks not. Alas, just do it, like the Nike commercial says.

Because of other commitments, I really don't have much time to post on this forum, but I wish I could. Laura's Playground seems to be rife with very intelligent and very good people. What a rare find! Glad to be here!

Orva and Anna, post away with vim, verve and vivacity! This old timer, for one, will read your posts with relish and appreciation. Happy New Year! 1 January 2011, like, OMG! Where HAVE the years gone? Hey, don't answer that!

Lacey

[Guest Orva26]

Thanks for the encouraging response! Right now I am actually in a pretty great mood. In spirit of getting the ball rolling I went out today and really tried to establish a girl wardrobe. For the overall cost of around $48 I had a pretty good haul. Lets see... I got a purple long sleeve top, seamless black leggings (not pantyhose, actual leggings and with the unitentional fanciness of small zippers at the bottom.), three woman's long rib tees (teal, green, and er.. a more blue teal?), a pair of jeans, and a lounge wear set (black only other color was pink and in that shade it was not going to work, just not my thing).

I now have a complete handle on my shirt/top size, well as best I can most stuff was just marked as Large 12-14. Unfortunately my pants size is not as clear. Based on the way measurements are suggested to be taken here I've got 32 inches. That should put me as Large 14-16 however something is way out of whack. I have a size 12 pair of pants and they're pretty big in the waist. I am kind of curious, how old are the measurements in the chart? In recent years it has been a trend that EVERYBODY (at least in the USA) is getting bigger on average and so things have been adjusted. For example what used to be a small serving size is now a medium. I think the same thing has gone on with sizes. Its a pity too because I was planning on actually wearing the pants in public because as was pointed out by one of the girls that helped me at the TS support group, "I'm wearing girls' pants right now and you wouldn't have known that unless I told you!"

Regardless, right now I am wearing that lounge wear and darn it is pretty great! How to explain it, actually it kind of came up in conversation with a friend, indirectly. He was talking about how he had to get some new clothing for job interviews and how he was going to make sure to wear it to look spiffy for one of his lady friends because, "apparently girls like that." We got to talking about how fancy guy clothing is kind of lame. I mentioned something like, pretty much all male clothing is casual wear. Even the fancy stuff is just that, spiffy casual wear. I guess its having clothing that is specifically meant for lounging that makes them great. Its like all the variety of male clothing is based on dress code and occasion while female clothing has that as well it is also meant for the wearers sensation. If a woman wants to feel pretty, she has clothing to help with that, if a woman wants to feel sexy she also has clothing to help with that, and if she just wants to chill and be comfy in delightfully fuzz loose fitting clothing she can do that too. Seriously, this stuff isn't even made out of anything special but the texturing is great!

I tried everything on right when I got back. But I couldn't bask for too long because I had to leave to meet up with friends. I did and still am wearing one of those ribbed tees as an undershirt and it was nice to have that constant reminder of femininity, well that and the panties. It helped me chill out and not concentrate on these things as we played a board game. For a while I began to think that maybe I need the clothing, that I could keep it secret and just get by with the constant tactile reminder. But eventually over the course of several hours I began to be saddened by the fact that it has to be a secret and that it would have to be one if I went down that path. I'm not sure, right now I am in a small limbo. The clothing sure helps but it isn't a cure all but should I be open about it and seek to present female publicly or should I move for a physical transition with HRT? I don't think the first option will be permanent I can only really see it as a temporary solution, a step if you will. Hmmm... maybe it is one I should take.

I also want to share something else that happened today, something that was good and made me proud. So I called my ex because she had called me on New Years and I missed it. During the conversation she brought up her FTM friend but she paused and asked me, "Do you want to use she or he?" I only paused for a second before answering back, "Well he identifies as male doesn't he? So shouldn't it be he? It just makes sense." Then she answered in awe of how good of a handle/outlook I have on this despite being brought up by a boring family. Apparently her friend was impressed too and made mention to her that I'd be welcome to visit. This once again made me really hopeful that she would be receptive if she learned the real reason why I have such a good handle on gender identity and it also made me happy because I think eventually I would like to meet her friend. I think it would be a really good thing for me to meet him since he pretty much is living as the opposite but same goal I have, i.e. a non-op (well I don't know exactly just that he has no interest in GRS) TS. Plus maybe then the three of us...

But yeah, I think I might be for the most part out of the sound and fury phase and beginning the real part that has to do with defining myself. I am still going to call a therapist because, well they are the professionals and I think that step will be really helpful but now I have realized that my lack (hopefully for more than the moment) of a permanent distress/high level of dysphoria does not mean I should not seek therapy.

-Orva

[Guest Roxanna L]

Orva,

you go, girl!!

Just a shame, I don't seem have the... b***s (Grrr... can't I phrase it any different??) to go out, and start working on my own wardrobe... I really wanna, but I can't seem to get myself to just do it...

Money isn't actually the issue, anymore...

Sizing would be an issue, as (1) we don't use inches, around here, so the conversion table on the main site is useless; and (2) I can't just walk into a store, and start trying them on...

Gosh, I'm a bit jealous...

Love,

Anna

[Guest Orva26]

Thanks Anna!

Now everyone should only do stuff when they truly are ready but...

(1) we don't use inches, around here, so the conversion table on the main site is useless

Now I know it isn't here and unfortunately I don't think I will have time to look for it today but there HAS to be a similar chart in metrics specifically meant for TS/TG living in Europe. I say seek it out.

(2) I can't just walk into a store, and start trying them on...

Well now, neither can I ...yet. That's why I went from the size chart to get a reasonable understanding of it all. Doing that would probably be the pan-ultimate of confidence in regards to getting clothing.

As far as being able to actually do it/willing yourself to do it there will be a nervousness about it and I'm not going to lie for me there still is. But if you go to a large department type store in general people aren't going to care. If people do get inquizative about why you are in the woman's section it is pretty easy to pass off as, "I'm just getting clothing for someone I know." In general most people regardless of gender won't give you crap for that. Heck most have wished me luck because girls' sizes are confusing... seriously all clothing ever should just be measure in strict dimensions not arbitrary and silly sizes!

Hopefully in some capacity you find this helpful.

-Orva