Missed Opportunities...

[Guest Zenda]

Kia Ora,

My first serious 'thoughts' of transitioning was when I was in Singapore back in the early 1970s[Ahh that was last century ].I was on my way back to the UK after spending two and half years in Australia. Whilst there I met up with the local transgender community,it was there that I first became aware that there were people like me and most importantly there was the possibility of HRT and surgery. But family, friends and fear of the unknown dashed my enthusiasm and I didn't follow my heart...

The next time was at 22, I was staying with an old girlfriend and her female flatmate in Adelaide South Australia[by this time I had spent time in a couple of psych wards both in Australia and the UK-where the psychiatrist first prescribed Valium-by then I had also had my first suicide attempt-being rushed to hospital by friends to have my stomach pumped], Staying with my girlfriend, my dysphoria had peeked and all I could think about was finding someone who could help me, so I headed off to a hospital near by hoping to see a doctor who could fix things...I got right up to the reception area and when the staff member behind the counter ask if she could help me, I had a panic attack and rush out of the hospital,back to where I was staying and popped a couple of Valium[which had been prescribed for my anxiety]. Valium was my gender stabiliser they made me feel gender 'neutral'..

I had another suicide attempt in my late thirties again having my stomach pumped and this time my ex insisted on me having psychotherapy, she said I should tell the psychotherapist how I felt, I just couldn't bring myself to tell him, and after a few sessions he was under the impression I was a latent 'homosexual', he didn't actually say this but it was what he was inferring by some of these comments he made...I just increased the dosage of Valium...

I was in my mid forties when I finally stopped the Valium and surrendered.. .

How about you? Did you also ride the gender self-acceptance roller coaster?

Metta Zenda

[Guest N. Jane]

Ah well, for me it wasn't a "gender roller coaster" but there was an opportunity that gave me pause.

In 1966, at the age of 17, I had run away from home (again) and was living in a major city en femme. I went out with this guy, a businessman, a few years older than me. He fell in love with me and eventually proposed. He was insistent and eventually I had to tell him WHY I wouldn't marry him. He was shocked, of course, and asked if there wasn't something that could be done. The only surgery in those days was in Morocco and was terribly expensive. He offered to pay for my surgery if only I would say yes to his proposal! That is the closest I ever came to selling my soul. If I would be his wife, the impossible dream could be real. But I wasn't in love with him and I couldn't use him so I said no.

The next 7 years were hell, a drift into deeper and deeper depression. I was on HRT but couldn't find a surgeon that I could afford. I had been "evaluated" and had a letter of support for surgery but no surgeon (aside from Morocco which I still couldn't afford). I had attempted suicide before, very secretly, but in December of 1973 I put a bullet in a gun, put it to my head, and pulled the trigger. It misfired. Just "CLICK!" and a voice in the darkness said "No, not yet. Hang on a little longer." Within three weeks I heard about Dr. Biber in Colorado and three months later I had surgery. Some one or some thing was watching over me that dark December night.

That was 37 years ago, 37 years of a wonderful, normal life that I would never have known if it were not for one minor miracle.....

[Guest Zenda]

Kia Ora Jane,

Wow! What can I say.... Karma was truly at work, you were meant to be here…

You hung in there and it paid off big time …

You really did live through a less favourable time[when ignorance was rife and the loony bins were full of what was then seen as undesirables=no hopers ]…Did your family eventually come to the party with acceptance of your condition?

Metta Zenda