The Ugly Side Of Coming Out

[Carolyn Marie]

Those of you who have followed my coming out adventures know I;ve had a remarkably smooth go of it.

Everyone I've come out to, family, friends and co-workers, have been supportive, kind and encouraging.

But there comes a day when we experience the opposite, and for me, it threw me for a loop, at least temporarily.

There is a former supervisor, of management rank, who I still work near but don't report to. He has a (deserved) reputation for being, well, obnoxious, to put it mildly. He was told about me, in an attempt to keep him in line and explain what he was not allowed to do or say.

I found out from a colleague, who he confided in, what his immediate reaction was to the news. He told her that..."it made me sick to my stomach."

What a wonderful thing to hear. I wasn't really surprised, but the words he used hit me like a blow to the chest. It took me a day, but I've gotten over it, and I am no longer angry. He still treats me well, and is polite to my face, but knowing what he thinks gives me the friggin creeps.

Nothing much we can do with people like that, except ignore them and not give them the satisfaction of knowing we were hurt. My skin is pretty thick, thick enough to survive the jerks of the world.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Still...

It hurts.

Sorry hon that happened, but like you say, it is inevitable, given the hundreds of people you work with. HE is the one who has issues, of course, but ... it still hurts.

Lizzy

[Guest ChloëC]

Hey Carolyn,

There will always be a bump or two in the road, but that's all they are - bumps which a good shock absorber and tires can easily level out. And that's all you can do.

Back when I first became aware of what it meant to be political, I leaned towards individualism. The citizen is supreme over the state. And I found who I thought were like minded individuals, people who actually believed that thinking for themselves (the individual) was superior to having others (the state in all its forms) think for them.

Over the years, I'm still pretty much the same as I was, the problem is, these people I thought were smart, intelligent, rational, beings who could look at both sides of an issue and say, well, I may not agree with the other side, but I can understand how you got there, and I respect you for showing intelligence in arriving at it - are not at all like that. Instead, it's a 'baa baa baa' mentality. Whatever their 'leadership' (the state again) says, they repeat with no original thought or questioning. They're still friends in a way, (I don't hate them nor them me) but I feel I've lost something. And it's sad.

Hugs

Chloë

[Drea]

Nothing much we can do with people like that...

People have their emotional reactions. The initial reaction doesn't necessarily define the long term feeling. His reaction is based upon his experience with trans folk and some personal biases. Those biases may be from family, religion or again driven by those real world experiences.

In my opinon we have the power to insure that initial emotional reaction solidifies and never changes. We can do that by fufilling their negative expectations or fitting the stereotypes they have for trans folk.

On the other hand we don't have the power to make them change. We can however create positives which could weaken their resolve over time and influence them to change their opinion if it is only one exception.

It can't be done by discussing it, but by simply being, by being a decent person and not let our being trans become our favorite subject to talk about around these folks.

My uncle had someone transition where he worked a couple years before he learned of me. It took him some time to recognize just how different I was and how little his experience with that other person related to me.

I have found it very effective to be able to acknowledge to those who find it difficult to understand or just odd that I don't understand why it is and recognize that it is pretty darn weird what I have done. It is just what it is so I make the best of it. I find this tends to be very disarming with the right timing, tone and expression and can win some of these people over. I won't work on them all.

I am not one to dismiss it as prejudice and write them off. Yeah its irritating, but then it's mearly a challenge in my view. Responding negativly will insure a negative response as I see it.

[JJ]

Well at least people like that make the rest of the world look better by comparison.

I'm sorry it happened but you are wise enough to know his thoughts are no measure of you. There are some people I'd be in better company if they disliked me than if they liked me. He sounds like one of those. And the best revenge-he has to live in his head with that mind.

While you get to be Carolyn!

Love

John

[Guest KimberlyF]

Buy him a jar of pepto w/a little note attached. He'll realize his circle of hate/trust is shrinking and it will drive him crazy.

Kim

[Guest JaniceW]

Buy him a jar of pepto w/a little note attached. He'll realize his circle of hate/trust is shrinking and it will drive him crazy.

Oh how truly nasty.

I can see the note now. "Thinking of you and thought that this would help your stomach."

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Sorry, Carloyn.....

But, you know that:

Beauty is only skin deep....

But,

Ignorant goes all the way to the bone...

Donna Jean

[Guest Leigh]

i'm a little surprised that his confidant found it appropriate to pass this on to you.....sometime people just confuse me.

i hope that it doesn't negatively affect you for too long.

peace&love

[Guest Elizabeth K]

People have their emotional reactions. The initial reaction doesn't necessarily define the long term feeling. His reaction is based upon his experience with trans folk and some personal biases. Those biases may be from family, religion or again driven by those real world experiences.

In my opinon we have the power to insure that initial emotional reaction solidifies and never changes. We can do that by fufilling their negative expectations or fitting the stereotypes they have for trans folk.

On the other hand we don't have the power to make them change. We can however create positives which could weaken their resolve over time and influence them to change their opinion if it is only one exception.

It can't be done by discussing it, but by simply being, by being a decent person and not let our being trans become our favorite subject to talk about around these folks.

My uncle had someone transition where he worked a couple years before he learned of me. It took him some time to recognize just how different I was and how little his experience with that other person related to me.

I have found it very effective to be able to acknowledge to those who find it difficult to understand or just odd that I don't understand why it is and recognize that it is pretty darn weird what I have done. It is just what it is so I make the best of it. I find this tends to be very disarming with the right timing, tone and expression and can win some of these people over. I won't work on them all.

I am not one to dismiss it as prejudice and write them off. Yeah its irritating, but then it's mearly a challenge in my view. Responding negativly will insure a negative response as I see it.

WELL SAID!

I agree, we need to just show the world we are regular people. We just have this condition that needed fixing.

Lizzy

[Carolyn Marie]

Thanks, everyone, for your helpful and supportive replies. They really do help a lot.

i'm a little surprised that his confidant found it appropriate to pass this on to you.....sometime people just confuse me. i hope that it doesn't negatively affect you for too long.

peace&love

She meant well, and was actually very reluctant to do so. I kind of pressed her, sensing that she was holding something back. It did sting for a while, but I'm long over it already.

WELL SAID!

I agree, we need to just show the world we are regular people. We just have this condition that needed fixing.

Lizzy

I agree too, Lizzy and Drea. I haven't reacted, and I won't ever mention to him that I know what he said. I intend to go about my business of being me. Nothing more, nothing less.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

Carolyn Marie:

Hon, this is so sad, but what can we say?

The world will always have these people in it. Sadly, it seems like there are more of them in recent times, but that's just my opinion. In fact, I'm wrong. A good slice of the population is like this. Grin and bear it and AVOID it if and when you can.

Replay the complements and acceptances in your mind as often as you can. This should help soothe the sting.

E-hugs to you!

Lacey Lynne

[Guest Patsy]

Always going to be one (or more), isn't there? Statistically inevitable, sadly.

As Donna Jean said, 'Ignorance goes all the way to the bone', and is rarely in short supply.

But look at it this way....you are Carolyn Marie, a radiant and evolving woman, whereas this

nasty piece of goods has to wake up to himself every day of his life.

Luv,

Patsy

[Guest NatashaJade]

Carolyn, we know there are folks out there who don't like what we're doing. But so long as they keep it to themselves, it's not worth worrying about. You're an amazing woman and no amount of idiots will change that.

xoxo

Tasha