Been Careful For So Long/ I've Always Hated Sundays/topic Title That Is Where The Title Goes!

[Guest Orva26]

I have no freaking clue how coherent this will be...

But I need to put it some place, even if that place is merely semipublic...

Also, I apologize, my filter has been disabled...

Sundays have always bugged me since everything closes down, and for other reasons harkening back to my RAWR RAWR RAWR DEATH METAL! days. Now they bug me because instead of the 'normative' judeo-christian day of rest they represent the day of un-arrest and doubt in my mind. This one, today represents even more that that...

Some of you may remember my paralytic, almost comical, completely premature attempt to come out to my father. I thought I was doing a good thing by trying to start from the fact that I've had sexual fantasies about being a woman and have for the past, hell I don't want to stress my mind to remember how long. Well today he called me up and told me he was worried about me...

He proceeded to tell me that he had been having trouble with the printer at home his place and when he finally got it working again he found a letter he presumed that I wrote about someone named Orva (only he butchered the love out of the name... HOW THE HELL DID HE MANAGE THAT ITS loving FOUR LETTERS LONG!). Now I know this to be the draft of the letter that I was beginning to construct to come out to my ex with while I was at home my parents place for christmas capitalism day.

I thought I did that all in my gmail as a draft, linked to myself and guarded with a password but apparently I did part of it in word on that computer, nuts did I WANT him to find it? I don't even know... why did he have find that a document clearly showing that I am starting to un-fetishize things. I could've explained away all the browser history clearing, all the porn, the year or so of MAKING transgender fantasy erotica during breaks from classes/college on that computer. But now I can't explain it away and I shouldn't explain it away as that but I have the knowledge that it is causing my father worry and loss of sleep. I don't want to do this in a way that causes people hurt... I've never been one to do that... even if it meant absorbing that hurt into myself.

I don't want to go back and view the letter, I already know that it was constructed to come out as a transsexual even though I'm still not 100% on that. I foresee that causing stress and right now that isn't a good idea. My father's response was... idk... quite frankly infantile. Since for me there is/was (KIND OF BOTH) a sexual connection all he did was compare it to various fetishes. "A man might have a big donkey fetish but... blah blah blah..." "Someone might have a thing for big breasts... *VOMIT SPEWS FORTH FROM HIS MOUTH HOLE*" I couldn't stand up either, I am so meek! I couldn't just be like SHUT THE HELL UP THIS IS HOW nuts IS! All I got in was, "You seem to be equating this whole thing to fetishes, it isn't just sexual."

Idk, I guess the thing that stung the most is what he thinks I should do. Which is basically bottle everything the love up! "I see you dating a girl by the end of the year. And if things get serious you should tell her about this." Basically do exactly what I've heard here is a BAD idea and what I really believe is a bad idea. I shouldn't just find a SO and hope things magically go away, hope that the feelings I got from being visible from un-fetishizing were false... that wouldn't be fair at all... not to them, not to me. Admittingly I did tell him that being with my ex was not confusing or wrong to me but why should it be? She's a really great person and if I can make her feel good that shouldn't and wouldn't FEEL wrong!

I know that he worries for me but telling me things like, "Its one thing to have fantasies but to actually make them reality is different. You may find that people you thought were friends are not. It will change everything people think about you. You have so much going for you..." In fact his entire tone was kind of, "Why, you are such a success you're going to THROW IT ALL AWAY!" And this comes right at the point where I was beginning to believe that I wouldn't be... at a point where... idk my articulation skills are lacking right now.

Alright on to what I did manage to meagerly eek out. He knows that I am going to support groups and a therapist. He knows that the therapist operates outside of insurance because most insurance companies are loving disgusting and still code gender variance as a mental disorder. But his reaction was basically, "Support groups and therapist will make you feel like what you are doing is good, normal but they don't know you, not like your family knows you." Immediately getting off the phone I was half cracking up as my mind was screaming, "HOW DARE HE ASSERT THAT, *list of names I don't feel like typing out* DON'T KNOW ME! DOES HE EVEN loving KNOW ME?!" At least what he does know is that I want to iron this out before, "I do anything in either direction that I would end up regretting."

Idk... but I don't think I can sit on this. I think I need to move, to do something. This is what my next meeting with my therapist will be about. I think I should give him some literature or something... something that explains transgenderism. Not specifically transsexualism, but transgenderism in general so that it can become demystified/devillified in his eyes. And so that he actually has more knowledge on the subject than your typical 1st grader. What resources out there can do just that? Make him understand the depth and meaning of transgenderism for people while keeping things somewhat neutral. I don't think I am ready to tell him, "Hey I wanna go on hrt and grow bewbs!" just yet rather I want him to understand that my recent experiences and my internal reflection have shown/lead me to believe that being trans is not just a fetish, rather it is simply a part of me, part of my identity.

Even that has been called to question by his words... I've felt small for a good part of today. I'm gonna try to shower and see if that clears my head, my attempted bike ride sure as hell didn't!

Also, teheheheheeh FILTERS!

-Orva

[Guest JaniceW]

Orva,

I can feel your pain right now. This is a very difficult time for you. Dad now knows and you now need to deal with that.

As to Dad's reaction, think back a few months ago, remember where you were. Remember the worry and fear that you felt. Remember the thoughts you had about what this all meant. Well that's where Dad is right now. Don't let his dealing with his feelings and worries effect where you are about yourself. If you can, seperate your feelings about wanting him to understand from your feelings about how you see things for yourself.

Definitely bring this up at your therapy session, I think your therapist can give some materials to help with your Dad's education. But please, for your own sanity, give your dad the space and time he needs to digest this and understand that he needs to go throught all of the doubt and attempts to rationalize this away that you did.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

It as a bit hard to read through your post - but the bottom line seems that you feel you are legit in feeling gender dysphoric, while your father, says it's crazy.

That is just typical, don't think it isn't.

Can you talk to a therapist about this?

Lizzy

[Guest Orva26]

Yeah Liz, that is pretty much the just of it. I know I'm transgendered, if I wasn't well dressing and going to support groups would freak the hell out of me. Instead I get a sense of belonging/kinship.

The current plan is to talk to my therapist about this when I go to see her on Tuesday.

What has happened was outside of my plan and out of my control but if my father really wishes for me to be able to call him and talk about this as he says he does. If he really wants to be involved in the process, well then he's going to need to know enough about the subject to do that.

If after he is educated he still refuses the idea, only then should I dismiss him as a help in this.

Right now what I need to do is shelf this as best I can. Concentrate on work tomorrow and Tuesday and be as coherent and direct as possible at therapy.