Modes >:o

[Guest Orva26]

Mornings are annoying. I get up do morning type stuff, eat, shower, etc. But at the end of it all I put on male clothing and go to work. And associated with that comes all kinds of doubt that I just freaking don't want anymore. I guess its like in order to take the edge off of 'boy mode' my brain decides to doubt the validity of my femininity. I know these thoughts makes no sense because that wearing panties as my normal underwear for the past two weeks now is not something confusing rather it allows me to have a constant way/reminder of femininity and overall I feel that I'm growing as an individual by attending support groups and therapy. But I have this rather frustrating 'defense mechanism'.

I think I'm at the point of introducing stealth female attire. Like wearing girls' jeans that aren't obviously girls jeans. The interesting part is I kind of like the obvious girls' jeans... so I might need some help to actually get ambiguous ones.

The current plan is to go to the Goodwill after work today and kind of figure it out. Also gonna see about expanding my collection of polo shirts with both female ones and tight male ones. The idea is to do this real gradually because I don't know how I'd react right now if someone at work came up to me and was like, "HEY IS THAT A GIRLS X?!" Where X = whatever item of clothing they notice.

Any particular maker of jeans or styles I should look at? How have others done this?

[Guest kimberly c]

Hi Orva, I have been wearing girls jeans for many years. The best style is low rise boot cut, brand Lee or APT 9 FOR ME.Some are more feminine

than others because of the designs on the back pockets. I even wear the pretty ones, no one seems to care. Good luck with your shopping,

be yourself.I always wear panties to feel connected to my feminine side.

Love Kim

[Guest JaniceW]

... I always wear panties to feel connected to my feminine side.

Funny, I always wear pamties because they are my underwear.

[Sally]

I am at that point where I am still working in male mode but it is impossible to disconnect from female even for a few minutes - I struggle to gesture and even speak male - I have a very low voice but because of my inflections no one has ever questioned me when in female mode but still there are those hand gestures (too Vanna White for most guys).

You are at one of the most trying times but don't worry, this too shall pass, the doubting is a way that you are trying to handle the frustrations but there really is no turning back - the doubts will continue about needing to be female if you try to stop, I tried to deny it for around 50 years, the doubts never stop.

WHen in female mode, I don't think about any of it, I am just me and that seems to be good enough for everyone - no doubts and really no more fears.

Love ya,

Sally

[Cyndee]

Any particular maker of jeans or styles I should look at? How have others done this?

"Baby steps", I think is the quote from Paula Ult as we expose more girl into world. Taking it slowly and letting others see the changes gradually really makes sense. One example is I have been applying clear coat to my nails recently. I just love the shine, and creates a subtle effect. I wore clear coat on the job at company HQ in the office last week.

Girl jeans are a great way to mix things up. For me I have to find the tall girl sizes, makes it a littler harder. Panties always. It's not about modes, it's about being ourselves.

Hugs

Cindy -

[Paula ult]

Starting with women's jeans is a good idea and one i started with, other than smaller pockets, women carry their wallet in their purse or bag as it seems to be call these days, and rear pockets with a fancy design there is not much difference, i liked the one with fancy pockets and wore those all the time, nobody said a word, if they noticed i was wearing women's jeans they never said anything, same thing with women's sneakers, though they were white with light blue trim and clearly for women, i started polishing my nails with a clear matt finish polish, then moved on to clear, i know some saw that but they never said anything, it was not till i started wearing mascara and women's tops that someone asked and i was outed, but by this time i was ready to come out and i did.

Paula

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

I wore "girl" jeans to work for two years and no one ever said a word....

Especially guys won't notice. (of course no designs on the back pockets...)

The nail shine, too....

Good choices....

Donna Jean

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

Ovra, hon, you know by now that you are one of my faves on here, so I simply cannot resist answering your thread.

Well, this site's Resident Maverick chimes in again, but here goes:

Germane and apropos to modes, I slither betwixt 3 modes in particular (girl, androgyne, guy) strategically. Publicly, I vascillate between guy mode and androgyne mode. Kindly make note of this:

Whence in androgyne mode, I do eye makeup, girl's sweater, guy's pants, girl's elevated sandals and anklet capped off by a guy's hat, stylish but a guy's hat nonetheless.

Do I get the grins, giggles and stares? What do you think?

Do some people react and reply? Guess what they can kiss?

And if they get aggressive? Might I crucify them?

Of course, there ARE limits to doing this.

ATTITUDE, HONEY! ATTITUDE!

You should be in the L.A. Fitness guys' locker room when Ole Lacey Girl goes ditty bopping in resplendent in androgyne regalia as described above. Up theirs!

Heck with 'em and rock ON! Check out my spiritual cohort:

Up theirs, baby ... up theirs! Wahoo!

Lacey Lynne

[Guest Orva26]

Okay, sorry it took a few days for me to respond. I'm finding now a days I get back from work and am like, "Alright time to post!" Then I lie down someplace cause I'm all like @_@ and fall asleep.

Yesterday I decided I would push myself a little bit. I have this pair of brown woman's pants that I didn't think would be obvious... can't really tell pocket size unless you go sticking your hand in there and if I'm just walking around minding my own business and people start doing that something is wrong.

Anyway no-one said a darn thing. Its like, "Duh, of course there aren't going to be some kind of 'hetero-normal' police running around and making sure everyone has 'correctly' gendered pants." But for some reason I actually had to go and do it. The woman I share an office with did look at my pants but I can't tell if she connected all the dots or if it was more of a, "Hey he's never worn those pants before!" thing. She might have got it, there might be whispers among the ladies about me wearing girls' pants but one thing is for sure the guys I interacted with didn't seem to have a clue.

I'm not sure about the clear polish yet. Sort of want to keep going on my slow track. Wearing the pants was a good idea, thoughts I did have on gender type stuff were for the most part hopeful.

I did go shopping last night in my local Goodwill store. Took me a while since they have a whole big rack of jeans that are completely unsorted in size. I ended up dropping $15 and getting three pairs. Two boot cut, one Lee, one from the Gap, and one labeled as long and lean and they are a little bit long but I like 'em! Its not like they are crazy long and going to drag all over the ground but I might have to try my hand at some hemming fu. Looks like my plan of getting woman's jeans that are ambiguous was a smashing success the woman at the register rung two of them up as guy pants. Didn't really care both were the same price.

Tonight will be another kind of test. Going up to Albany for a good friend's birthday. Gonna wear a pair of the aforementioned jeans, no one is gonna notice, but I still need to actually experience no one noticing. I'm going to be with people who have known me and intermittently lived with me for half a decade. I'm doing this for two reasons the first is for the exposure and the second is because one part of this is owning up to my past. I really can't just move forward and drop contact with people who are important to me, doing that would make the fear of being alone self fulfilling. Sure this isn't "HI GUYS I'M TRANSGENDERED!!!!!" But if I can't even wear my new pants around them how the hell am I ever going to reach that point?

Also that David Bowie song is pretty neat! Funny about a year ago I would've been all like "gross!" since it wouldn't have been 'heavy' enough but now I'm actually listening to lyrics and stuff. And those ones are awesome. I also knew about him and his androgyny from my lil' brother actually. He's drawn to musical personalities who were/are unconventional/controversial for their time. He also likes Boy George who had a similar style of dress if I'm not mistaken.

But my favorite musical personality with this style is the singer from Tokio Hotel, Bill Kaulitz:

There is no way around it, he is just PRETTY!

Actually I freaking like this song and this video! All about breaking the herd mentality! Which is all kinds of awesome because right now I'm self articulating not as MtF but as MtI (Male to Individual). That's because I'm trying to do this in a way where I don't fall into the trap of swapping expectations and labels, key thing is I end up satisfied with the results.

Also, this has been kind of bugging me since it was said both at the support group I go to and here. Woman don't put their wallet in their back pockets, why? Is it just something woman "don't do"? (in quotes because I know woman who do) Or is it a practical warning because if I'm waltzing around with my wallet in my pocket people will notice their size and be all like, "GIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLLLLLLL PAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!"

No really, I'm kind of curious.

-Orva

[Cyndee]

No wallet in back pocket, those days are gone. Lacey has the right idea, Bowie was a pioneer in the music world "Transition Transmission".

Rock on Orva !

[Guest Deandra]

Wearing girly jeans is one thing i could try without anyone noticing and getting more connected to my femininity. Because now i wear panties everyday. Thanks for posting Orva.

Hugs

Deandra

[Michelle 2010]

Also, this has been kind of bugging me since it was said both at the support group I go to and here. Woman don't put their wallet in their back pockets, why? Is it just something woman "don't do"? (in quotes because I know woman who do) Or is it a practical warning because if I'm waltzing around with my wallet in my pocket people will notice their size and be all like, "GIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLLLLLLL PAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!"

No really, I'm kind of curious.

-Orva

Well, I think there are two reasons... One, aren't womens wallets designed, shaped and sized to go in purses, not pockets? Second, and perhaps more importantly, a wallet in the back pocket of tightly fitted jeans would ruin "the look", right? I don't think a woman who knows she has a nice figure would want to spoil the view, so to speak...

Michelle

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

@ Orva:

Rock the house, hon!

Some would say young doing androgyny, but I'd say you're doing YOU! That is WAY cool!

Oh, by the way, you're right. That Tokio Hotel vid you posted? That lead singer dude is hot! Dang! What am I saying? Oh, NO! This can't be happening ... yaaaaaaahhhhhhh!

Oh, Orva, the others on here are quite correct in saying that girls/women do not do wallets in their pockets. Well, Ole Lacey Girl does wallets in the FRONT pockests of GIRLS shorts ... rather short shorts at that ... complete with a guy's belt with a cell phone hooked on (kinda like Harry Callahan's (Clint Eastwood) 0.44 Magnum)!

Orva, I know you're into heavy tunes, but check out this classic from back in The Day. Listen to the words. Far out. By the way, see those funny figures in the beginning of the vid? Methinks they may be Lissajou curves. Heck, I remember those boogers from way back in early school days:

Doggone if they ain't oscilloscope graph tracings of the interplaying parametric equations

x+Asin(at+d) and y=Bsin(bt)

which simply describes complex harmonic motion. Finally, the appearance of the graphic is most sensitive to the a/b ratio. At certain intervals, these babies degree N Chebychev Polynomials of, I believe, the first kind. Visually, the rectangular boundry of the graphic on the oscilloscope is the dead giveaway evincing that these are Lissajou curves. Sumbitch, it's been like forever since I messed with these babies ... like before junior high ... so I don't know about 'em in the depth of detail I once did. Sorry.

Dang, this degenerated into a nerd out! Sorry! Forget about it and groove to the tune:

Orva, I LOVE your idea of your not being so much a male-to-female as a male-to-individual transition.

I MAJORLY RESPECT THAT!

Lacey Lynne

[Guest Orva26]

Dang, this degenerated into a nerd out! Sorry! Forget about it and groove to the tune:

Don't worry about it your nerdgasm made me happy.

And I think you're right too. Though I mostly dealt with the quantum mechanical approximation for simple harmonic oscillation but I'll spare everyone since I can't code Greek letters in BBC.

The song is neat. I like the rift, its bouncy and fun.

And I think I'm getting stuck in Suffragette City because I have a lack of desire to go back. IDK, its hard to explain... I know I could go back and put on boxers and male pants but to an extent I would be forcing it. It would be more of a test than anything. I'm going to slowly do more things. I have grooming tweezers so I may start taming my eyebrows soon, not really shaping them just keeping them neat.

Some would say young doing androgyny, but I'd say you're doing YOU! That is WAY cool!

Thanks

The male to individual thing came around primarily as a result of working with the therapist I am seeing. I think it is a real healthy way of looking at things sort of makes it your own. Prevents someone from falling into the trap of feeling the need to follow a 'checklist'. Us transfolk have enough on our minds anyway, no one needs to be doing that type of thing.

Not sure what I'm going to do about the wallet just yet. I like my wallet, there is no reason to replace it! Though I am beginning to leave it in my coat so I can get used to not having it on me constantly. Never really liked keeping it in the back pocket too much anyway, it made sitting weird. When warm weather comes it might end up there though, just out of a lack of a place to put it.

So far what I have been doing is letting myself have the little things. I can wear panties, I can wear 'girls' jeans and it is okay. Like I said before there aren't hetero normal police running around checking peoples' pants. Even my friends I've known for over five years didn't notice anything or at least didn't say anything if they did. I'm also wearing my hair down instead of combed back. I'm going to grow it out again because I miss having long hair, sure I'll have to keep it up most of the day since I'll be in a lab but I don't care. I'm also liking the conditioner I started using it makes hair more playful and I think it exaggerates how my hair curls at the ends.

I also really like the back and forth we got going with the music. Doubly so because Bill Kaulitz cites David Bowie as one of his fashion inspirations. That unintended double correlation is kinda neat. I've been liking this song as of late:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vKG-NGRcncE

I think the reasons why should be pretty blunt.

I've actually been jamming out to the album it is off of, Scream, while driving to work and when I drove to Albany. Its really neat too because I have the German and English versions of all the albums and I'm sort of a music nerd for songs released in the native language of the artist.

Oh, by the way, you're right. That Tokio Hotel vid you posted? That lead singer dude is hot! Dang! What am I saying? Oh, NO! This can't be happening ... yaaaaaaahhhhhhh!

Hehehe, I wasn't kidding when I said he was a pretty man! Seems like he'd be a pretty interesting person to know as well. Aside from being a singer he also does fashion modeling and works with activist groups like P.E.T.A.

[Guest Emily Ray]

He is pretty Orva! I only listened to the last song and I loved it! thanks again for expanding my musical selections. I started with a couple pairs of girl jeans I bought from Amvets. I wore them for 4 months and no one ever said anything to me about them. I only stopped wearing them because they weren't girly enough for me after going full-time. I hardly ever wear jeans and when I do they are either skinny Jeans or Capri's. i am so Girly now that women I hang out with are shocked by some of the clothes I wear. Hey! I wear what I want because it makes me feel good to look good!

Huggs

Emily

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

@ Orva:

You like your wallet? Keep your wallet! Heck, yeah!

Sounds like your gender counselor is majorly cool! That rocks! Mine is too. We're lucky. Makes a HUGE difference!

You're SOOO right about this imaginary time schedule thing that so many T-girls seem to hold themselves to. Everybody's circumstances and proclivities are different; hence, so are their transitions and timeframes. Makes perfect sense to me too, hon.

There are two T-girls on the other transforum I'm on. One is age 29. She has her SRS/GRS surgery in 1 week and 1 day! The other is age 32 (I believe) and has her SRS/GRS surgery in 7 days! Yeah, so? THEY BOTH START HRT WITHIN TWO WEEKS OF WHEN I DID!

Am I jealous of them? No! Don't know if I'll have the surgery yet, but actually, I probably will. That'll be in about a year. I go fulltime this upcoming April. My choice. I start laser hair removal in 1 week. My choice.

What a difference a day makes. Lately, I've been so depressed thinking I was a failed transition. Today, I see myself in the mirror wearing nothing (The SHAME of it all! Oh, my! Oh, Lacey, you hussey, you!) and suddenly realized:

Dang! Girl, all you need is hair removal (starting it in a week) and a better wig (getting it in a few weeks) and keep working out at L.A. Fitness (Sheeeuuuttt, girl! Like I LOVE doin' that!) and, Lacey Honey, you'll be ROCKIN' IT for an old broad!

My point? WE ARE OUR OWN WORST CRITICS ... BY FAR! We're wrong!

Orva, hon, go at YOUR pace for YOUR reasons in YOUR way, and you'll rock the house, girl!

Yo! Is it just my imagination, or is Orva lookin' Hot as Hades these days?

She on 'mones or what, yo? Dang, momma is smokin' and I ain't jokin'!

Postscript:

Hey, Nerd Girl, you down with this doo-doo too like I am?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quantum_harmonic_oscillator

Wahoo! No lie, like, I used to do the heck out of this stuff when I was 14 or 15, at this level too, and just dug it SOOO much! In retrospect, if I had to do it all over again, I'd rather have done the horizontal bop with bodacious babes than spend most of my time messin' with this stuff!

Now that I'm older, ain't gonna be no boppin' so I can settle into some unabashed nerdism and not feel frustrated!

Being trans messed up everything when I was young anyway. I felt SOOO out of synch with "the deed" due to having the wrong plumbing. Was always a bummer, but I KNEW it should NOT have been. Oh, well.

Honey, Lacey Girl thinks string theory is a crock! We could go on and on, but we'd shanghai the thread and bum everybody out. Don't wanna do that. Suffice it to say that I'm way appreciating your nerdly notions. Love it!

Rock On & Nerd On!

Lacey Lynne

[Guest Orva26]

Wow... I let this one sit for a few days more than I thought I would. My brain has been in a strange way lately. I think the reason why I fall asleep early than I intend to is that I end up thinking myself into a corner so hardcore that the only thing my mind can do is turn off.

So these girls' jeans REALLY wet my pallet so to speak. I'm not going to force myself to go back to male underwear or pants because I don't think I should and I don't want to. A lot of stuff I've done has mirrored science with its try this and this and this mentality. I'm going to stop experimenting with/on myself. I like the stuff I'm wearing so I will continue to wear it, the end.

Yo! Is it just my imagination, or is Orva lookin' Hot as Hades these days?

She on 'mones or what, yo? Dang, momma is smokin' and I ain't jokin'!

Thanks! ^^

But right now I am 'moneless.

Haven't even gone a full seven days of wearing girls' pants and I am already conceding so much to myself. Two days ago the thought, "I don't wanna be a boy anymore!" came along and completely obliterated me. I was staying late at work and well I couldn't finish what I was staying late for because of it. I think I am moving towards a breaking point... soon I'm going to have to start coming out to people. The first step will be to talk to HR at my company... I NEED to have an income for this and I sure as hell can't plan to fall back on my parents.

But what do I want to do first? Get me some hormones! They should strangle any last fragments of doubt and let me do what I need to do.

Yet at the same time I am so weary... I'm juggling a full time job, this, and since two weeks ago when I was outed to him my father who's knowledge of transgenderism is neigh non-existent. I fear I may run myself ragged.

Ugh, I had more to type but I don't want to make myself frenzied.

I wore them for 4 months and no one ever said anything to me about them. I only stopped wearing them because they weren't girly enough for me after going full-time.

Not gonna lie this is probably going to happen to me too. Even thought I'll be in a lab 5 days a week, I'll probably let myself 'girl out' on the weekends.

@_@

My train of thought just massively derailed...

-Orva