What Is Family?

[Guest Chiv]

The institution of family and the idea of "blood" family is very deeply ingrained in all cultures yet not everyone is close to and necessarily needs to maintains any contact with their blood family. It is an individual choice and should be respected. I have found many people whose only healthy families are their family of choice.

For me families of choice are of our choosing, they often have a spiritual connection stronger than blood. And for me my family is my spiritual family.

I feel those I have met at Laura's are my family and people here are so open even though they may not relate to every experience. I don't often talk about my "biological family". Won't go into the reasons why. Two years ago, after barely any contact with them, I reopened contact to come out as John and to have a conversation out of love and forgiveness. My "biological family" is not of western origin. There is not a single open transsexual in the culture and even the gay and lesbian community is barely tolerated. I have lived here most of my adult life. I am a U.S. citizen.

It has been an easier path for me to get people to understand my decision to transition to my true self than to explain to them that I feel no connection with my "supposed blood family". I feel as one would about being adopted. There are many things I do not share with them because I don't trust them and don't plan on having them in my life. But this temporary reconnection has its purpose. I decided to come out to them and all I can say is that the response so far was more positive than when they thought I was gay. The ones I think will be supportive I have not spoken to yet but those that were more toxic were just silent. Although transition has had some impact on my facing financial challenges, losing places to live, it has really been the control and toxicity of my so called "blood" and not giving into their control as a child and adult that has made me face homelessness and destitution.

I forgive them. I write this for anyone out there that is stuck feeling that they have to have some contact with their biological family. Sometimes it isn't possible because you are the only one trying. Ultimately anyone that prevents your true path and happiness --family, spouse, friend--isn't worth the effort when it delays your freedom and truth.

For the young ones, as hard as it is for some of you to be at home and not transition right away, if your family is providing for you and they are not abusive and you are not in danger and you have food, shelter, a warm place to sleep at night, don't take the basics for granted. If your parents care enough to do the above, in time they will come around.

I feel blessed for my real family which are my friends here and those I feel are my spiritual family. Ifeel blessed for Laura's and know I am not alone. I am grateful for my freedom and for God in my life.

[Guest JaniceW]

John,

After reading that message I feel I know you better than I ever have before (and I have followed many of your posts with admiration for your insights). You are so right when you say that blood doesn't necessarily equate to belonging. Part of our nature as human beings is the need to feel we have a place that we belong and a group to which we belong (our family). Sometimes that family is not found in our bloodline but that family is no less real.

[Guest Chiv]

Thanks Janice, you captured the essence of my post beautifully.

Hugs,

John

[JJ]

Another thing we share John is the feeling that we have found a family here. With everything that family should mean in terms of support and understanding but so seldom does.

I just never fit in my family. My step dad understood and accepted, even honored, my values - we grew very close. But in my blood family I always felt on guard and somehow an outsider. My mother was deeply disappointed that they sent me through college and I failed to accomplish the major goals they had for me. I didn't marry a rich man and I didn't learn to play bridge although I did pledge a sorority and thus fulfilled one of her expectations. Then I wouldn't date who they wanted-I swear my mother told me that I should never accept a date with anyone who made less than $200,000 a year! And that was 1972 dollars. Yeah they were materialistic and I wasn't. So I eventually married an alcoholic cowboy but that's another story.

When I displeased them they cut me off at the end of my senior year of college (years before I married the cowboy), in debt and with only a few dollars to my name. I had never been allowed to work. It was a rough time and deepened my distrust of them permanently.

I never felt I fit anywhere. I was accepted at times and had friends but I was always one step removed. Never let my guard down anywhere except with my daughter and granddaughter-until I got here. Sometimes it really scares me that I open up here after a lifetime of silence. But it feels so good to trust -and I trust my family here.

It feels good to see that the faith I have in humanity is justified and it just feels so good not to be alone anymore.

I'm glad you have become a part of our family John. You are everything I'd ever want in a brother.

[Guest Chiv]

I'm glad you have become a part of our family John. You are everything I'd ever want in a brother.

You have no idea how I feel reading that, Johnny. I feel the same. Found these knightly codes of conduct from the Middle Ages and I am posting them in honor of you. We share and live these values and we are family.

* Mercy

* Humility

* Honor

* Sacrifice

* Faith in God

* Faithfulness

* Courage

* Utmost graciousness and courtesy to ladies

[Sally]

I like the way you think, John.

I also like the way you post, always caring and considerate of everyone - chivalry is not dead but knights are few and far between.

I am glad that you are in our family.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Elizabeth K]

John

I am proud to be considered 'family' in your life. We on Laura's do seem to be so much closer than the majority of MY family (my children support me - my sisters, and their families do not).

You are like a gallant knight of lore and tradition. Several of the FTM here share that trait, it's simply amazing. We cherish you and your values! Good to know you!

Lizzy

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

Little Brother, John Chiv & Big Brother, John J:

You two rock my world. Can't help it, but it's true. Both of you "nailed it to the wall" as we used to say back in The Day. Beautifully said.

John Chiv:

My Little Brother is majorly wise way beyond his years. Very deep. Very true. Very impacting. Your post here kicking off this thread is just so right on. In so many ways, our stories regarding "family" are so similar. Your Family of Choice thinks your fantastic, man. That's the truth. Just wanted you to know that.

John J:

My Big Brother has wisdom, maturity and intelligence that are second to none. You're bigtime here John, and I'm sure everybody would readily agree with this. I won't blather on like some sappy sentimentalist, but just accept the fact that you're Our Main Man here at The Playground.

Both of You:

Tell you what. If I had magical powers, I'd make a time machine so you guys could transition in your youth, in great health and great spirits with your whole lives to enjoy as your true selves. Sorry, I just can't do that, but I can wish you the best. Thanks so much for being here ... both of you.

Lacey Lynne

[Guest Chiv]

Thanks Sally, Lizzy and my sis Lacey:-) Just read what you all wrote and from my next post you will realize why what you said to me was so needed right now.

[Guest Chiv]

Going to really need my family here at Laura's in the next few months. It's hard for me to admit this or show any vulnerability and part of me does not want to post this but it's healthy to reach out.

Just got done with "coming out" to the "family". My parents may be visiting my sister in the southern part of the state in May and I don't want to see them. They have prepared themselves for this possibility. All the hurt and mistrust is so raw right now.I have not had a chance to tell my brother yet and he will be my biggest supporter. My sister will understand but be worried about my parents and society. My one aunt was better than I expected but am waiting to see if the passive transphobia rears its head. Same with her daughter, a cousin I used to be close to. Another aunt was very loving and supportive and she said I sounded "stronger and happier." My parents first reaction was that they don't want me to get the "operations" but realize they have no control and had to mention what a "beautiful girl" I was and I told them I never was a girl. Reminded them of the times I told them exactly how I felt as a child. They all reacted pretty much as I expected. I don't trust any of them. The normal euphoria of coming out is not there, just emotional exhausation. Everyone but them knew and now the lie they would prefer I pretend is over. They know I have never been in the closet and with this step, they cannot be in denial anymore.

[Guest Avery F]

I agree with your views on blood family versus chosen family one hundred percent. I really hope that your encounters with your blood family go well, but it sounds as if that's not particularly likely. It's wonderful that you've been able to recognize that even if you can't have a good relationship with your blood family, it's not the end of the world, and you do have a real family in your friends, here at Laura's and elsewhere.

[Guest Chiv]

Thanks Avery.

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

John Chiv:

Need to talk, l'il bro? PM me. Those items I told you about previously? Soon.

Don't be shy, man. We're so here for you.

Sister Lacey

[Guest Chiv]

Sis,

You are great. My first news article in a while should be published this week.

Giving you a big hug. You better PM me too anytime, works both ways.

John