Hair And Other Things My Mum Can't Accept...

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

Ahg I'm just frustrated!

So I'm getting my VERY long hair (past my waist) that I have had since I was a kid cut next wednesday. I softened the blow for my mum (who still has to know EVERYTHING I'm doing and has an unhealthy amount of control on my life still for very complicated and deeply entrenched reasons that are at the moment difficult for me to change....although believe me I'm trying!) by telling her I'm donating my hair that's gonna get cut off to a charity that makes wigs for kids with cancer BEFORE I told her how short it's gonna be. Immediately my mum started trying to persuade me to get a nice girly bob cut instead. Then my sister came to tell me that she's going shopping at the weekend and is going to get me some pretty hair slides to make my new hair style pretty.

GAH! give me a break already! They're already trying to girl me up and I haven't even got the hair cut yet! (and goodness knows what kinda muck will hit the fan when they discover the binder!...I mean my mum is very good at not noticing what she doesn't want to notice but there'll be a comment coming at some point in the summer when I start wearing tshirts and not covering up so much)

Throughout my childhood my hair was a bit of a sore issue between us. When I was about 5 I was gonna be a bridesmaid and my mum told me she was gonna get my hair done in a 'paige boy' style...I heard 'boy' and was elated...I even got a friend to help us on our way by doing the first few cuts at school the next day (my mum hit the roof! lol) unfortunately the cute little bob didn't quite do it for me! lol

..so I grew it long for a while and then asked my mum again aged 10 if I could finally get it cut now. Again we ended up with HER version of short and I hated it...I mean you couldn't even tie this thing back and get rid of it under a hat!

So I waited ALL this time to try again and at the age of 32 she is STILL trying to thwart me!

Let me have my own LIFE woman!

Thank you for listening to my rant

*bows out politely now*

[Guest wolfySH]

You gave me a flashback. I had the same exact reaction to "paige boy" when I was a little kid. Sooooo excited, and then horribly disappointed.

Yep.

I'm not quite 20 yet and I've managed to get out of my Mom's grasp when it comes to hair.

When I was seventeen I went out and got it cut and dyed like I wanted, which was several crazy colours, and she hated it and belittled me for it every chance she got, but at that point it wasn't like she could really do anything-- aside from sneaking into my room in the middle of the night and shaving my head or something, which to her would have been even worse.

She still hates my hair, and I have a new colour/pattern every few weeks.

She never hesitates to tell me how hideous it is and how she wants my hair "long and natural" and that she sees me with "long, natural brown, bushy hair" that reaches past my waist.

I tell her "intercourse that!" and at that point I tune out of whatever she has to say.

I'd say take the plunge and get what you want-- it's your hair, after all. And the sooner you get it over with, the less doubt you might have, and if you know in your heart that this is what you want, then nothing should keep you from it.

After the first couple hairstyles, I wouldn't say my Mom got used to it, but she became more resigned to her misery, shall we say.

Your mother's feelings are probably very important to you; my Mom's feelings are important to me, too. But so are my feelings. My body, including my hair, is a canvas on which I express myself. That's what I tell her sometimes-- and it seems to work a little...?

I might not be much help-- my relationship with my mother is so jacked up that it's hard to get a frame of reference on what ''normal'' mothers are like.

But I'm going to toss in my ideas anyway.

[Guest Avery F]

Hello,

Sorry your mum and sister are giving you trouble - at least you're old enough to go and get your hair cut if you like, and don't have to rely on them for payment or transportation. I know what you mean about 'short hair' not really being short all the time; for several years, I asked my hairdresser to give me a short, masculine cut, and invariably she'd give me a bob which, while shorter than usual, was still distinctly effeminate. If you're looking for something masculine or androgynous, I'd recommend a barber rather than a hairdresser. Hairdressers are trained to modify the customer's requests to what will 'look best', according to the hairdresser's own perception. Barbers tend to give you what you ask for.

Hope your family doesn't complain too much once you get the cut done. Even if they do, though, just remember that it's your hair and you can do whatever the hey you like with it. If it looks good to you, it's a good cut. Best of luck!

Avery

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

Thanks Sirius, Yeah I don't want to upset my mum...but there is also a lot of manipulation that goes on. I was never actually meant to grow up and become a real adult independent of her, y'know lol My family has every kinda screwed up in it...and THEY think I'M the only problem.

My mum has got over a few weird colours in the past but the hair stayed long and that was the main thing to her.

My partner said pretty much the same as you, that my mum can go...well what you said lol It's my hair...my life...and in theory I know that's true. My mum can and does use some good manipulation that can make mine as well as my partners and kids lives pretty uncomfortable when I defy her but I got to some time.

We've got a few battles to come...my mum still thinks she's gonna get me into figure hugging frilly shirts and even dresses (yeah she got false hope on the whole dresses thing when I had to dress up in a costume for my theatre groups christmas panto..she gushed over the pretty ball gown for hours while I wilted up and died somewhere inside!)

I guess I spend too much time thinking about all the 'what if's and what everyone else is gonna say n do n think n feel. Half the time I can't even see past that enough to be certain what I'm thinking and feeling. At the end of the day I'm just one messed up kid.

Nice to know I wasn't the only thing taken in on that whole 'paige boy' thing.

Thanks man.

Angel

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

Thanks Avery,

The matter's complicated a bit. I'm old enough physically but I have a lot of disabilities and still live in my parents property (in a supposed self contained part but my parents don't treat it like that and don't treat us like adults) with my partner and kids. I'm still dependant on them for some stuff and then they also have our comfort (and sometimes safety) in their hands, and they help us out a lot which it's difficult for us to manage without. My family is also very messed up...manipulative...abusive...so what I'd do as an average independent person of my age (which I AM hoping to be soon if we can get a place of our own...but even then there are too many ways they can and will still choose to interfere and make things difficult for us) and how much it's actually practical for me to defy my mum are two different things.

That having been said, I'm not gonna let her call the shots on this.

Yeah I hate how people don't believe you when you ask for something. A barber does possibly sound like a better idea. Either way though I have a picture of what I want so there shouldn't be too much room for misunderstanding!

My partner thinks it's gonna look great on me so I trust her more than my parents any day.

Thanks mate

Angel

[Guest PaintedWingss]

Boy do I know about this issue. I have to fight with my mom about everything relating to my image, from hair to nails to clothing choices to how I wash my face. I had to stand my ground and pay for my own hair cut when I finally decided to go short, but I still had to go from long (halfway down my back) to medium (around shoulder-length) to a boyish cut (though it leans towards unisex) in order for her to take it well. And she still insists that I'm a slob and don't care about my appearance when I'm in guy mode; thing is, I pay just as much attention to my hygiene in guy mode as do in girl mode. I'm still being told, "You're not a boy!" by both her and my grandmother when I get guy's clothes.

Hey, it's your hair, I assume you're the paying for it, so you can do what you want with it.

- Taylor

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

Thanks Taylor,

Yeah I'm paying...she made the appointment with the person she wants to cut my hair..she had to control that much...but I am paying and I'm standing my ground on what style I'm going for (I think...I'm not good at this lol).

My sister told me she will come with me. My partner told me after my sister left not to let her have any say in the actual appointment though. I hope I will have the strength to follow that advice.

One thing I am worrying about is there is a communication difficulty. I am actually mute and rely on sign language (which I'm still learning) people lip reading me and a text to voice program to communicate. Because people who don't know me often find it difficult to understand me I usually have someone with me to help translate. I am hoping that my partner is the one who helps me to communicate on wednesday not my sister. I hope the person cutting my hair understand what I actually want (I'm taking pictures of both the style and colour). Man, I would be worried about this appointment even if it was a normal hair cut just coz I have so much trouble expressing to people what I want and as it is it just adds one more complication in.

I also apparently have to get up a step in my wheelchair to get around the shop...gee thanks mum...just make this as difficult as possible wont you!

I'm sitting here worrying about this right now. At night when my partner is not awake to reassure me is when I worry about stuff like this.

The rest I know I can do...I just have to ignore my mums attitude.

It's amazing what parents see or don't see when they want to isn't it. Your mum sounds SO parentish Taylor! I swear there is some secret course they all go on to learn this stuff...except if so why didn't I get invited when I got my kids? Oh well...I hope I'll be a more open parent to them. My partner and I are already expectantly watching our youngest son who has only recently picked up on his older brothers attitude and stopped wearing our clothes (and I'm not talking the boyish ones...baby pink velvet top and high heals were the last things he was seen sneaking off with I think). We're patiently waiting for some kind of announcement at some point in his life.

I'm waffling...I'm tired lol.

Cheers mate

Angel

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

Ok you guys are never gonna believe this but miracles do happen...I emailed a picture of the hair cut I want to my mum and she wrote back saying she actually likes it! In her words 'it's softer than I thought' lol

Maybe she realised I really mean it and decided it's not worth a battle after all.

What a result!

Thanks for listening to my rant and taking time to respond guys. You've been awesome.

[JJ]

That is great! I finally got my first masculine cut yesterday without having to come out to a stylist. Of course I had trimmed the sides myself to a point she really had to do what I wanted and accept what I said but it turned out well. I don't recommend that method unless you want it really short -and I didn't do it on purpose but it sure worked. That stylist didn't question what would look best-she just looked at what she could do with what she had.

Let us know how it goes.