Dating?

[KieranD]

With the amount of invisibility there is out there about trans males it seems hard to find a date. For those of you with partners and successful relationships, how did you find the people you're with?

For myself, I've been single for about 2 years. I went on 3 first dates with people who seemed pretty cool at first, all of whom turned out to be chasers. I'm on a few dating sites which haven't been too great either. Any suggestions on how to navigate the whole dating scene?

[Guest AlyTheGreatAngel]

Oh my when U find the answer do let me know. Lol

[Guest TylerJayden]

I don't really know how I got my Girlfriend..

I guess I just got lucky (This time around)

Don't worry I know it sounds really "fakey" of me to say, but thier is someone out there for all of us.. Even if it takes some time to meet them.. And I mean that when I say it.

Stay positive and keep looking.

-Tyler

[Guest Colm]

My current partner is someone I knew for three years beforehand (we've been going about 7 months now). One of the things that I've found is that as you grow more confident in yourself, it's easier to go with a girl, and then it's pretty much just like normal. It's a little more complicated, of course, because you have to consider when to tell them that you're trans, but I think if you look for nice, open-minded people, it's not as hard as you might think.

[Guest ShortyT]

Been single for 15 years and have no plans to change that status. So.. uh... yeah, nothing to add here.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Donno - fortunately I have already found my life partner.

Lizzy

[Sally]

I never dated very much in my first 59 years and two of those times ended in disasters, I proposed to one girl and she turned me down, thirty years later I proposed to another and she did not!

Probably through with dating, I am old enough to not really care about dating as such, I would love to have life partner but I am not clinging to that slender thread anymore.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Aki]

My last girlfriend I had been friends with for many years, and we had always had feelings for each other. She was and still remains a very important part of my life and has always been supportive of my situation, and there still may or may not be a future for us together.

Anyway, I've found that most people find partners in pre-existing relationships. I'm not sure on how to go about finding new people. Being a nerd kind of surrounds me with a pretty open and accepting bunch, so dating is slightly easier for me in that respect.

[Guest some ftm guy]

i wish i knew as well, I've been trying in that field for a while now and all 4 sites I'm on now there's still no one contacting me.

[Guest PaintedWingss]

I've been good friends with my girlfriend for almost seven years, so we already knew each other, even before we realized we were both bisexual and I realized I was bigender. Two years ago on June 6, we decided to try dating after my then boyfriend and I broke up. We've been together ever since.

- Taylor

[Guest HoWeVeRmine]

Hmm... well, seeing as I'm only a wittle teenager, I met my erm... "girlfriend" (we're not an official thing, yet seeing as she just came out to her parents as bisexual and I am seeing no ability to transition under my parents guidelines any time soon) through high school.

Well, technically I met her through a friend because she doesn't go to my same school, but yeah that's pretty much how I found her.

Sorry I don't have any tangible advice for someone who's not a teen D:

[Guest CrimsonEdge]

Isn't it possible to date a girl as a bio-guy and then come out only when things start to get excessively physical? I mean, once the girl gets to know you well, she'll be more willing to stick around even after finding out that you're trans...

[KieranD]

Isn't it possible to date a girl as a bio-guy and then come out only when things start to get excessively physical? I mean, once the girl gets to know you well, she'll be more willing to stick around even after finding out that you're trans...

Not a fan of the term "bio-guy" but I would assume that a person would have to have some level of being stealth or at least seen as male 99% of the time in order to do that. Many people don't have that option.

[Guest Dibz]

And I thought finding a guy was hard enough to begin with. Hey, if you find the answer to that one then give a holler.

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

I was friends with my partner before we both came to terms with being gay and before I started thinking about my gender issues. She became my house mate. We both tried to deny our feelings for each other while it gradually became more and more difficult to be around each other and hide our feelings. She was the one who eventually gathered up the courage to talk to me about it and then we agreed to try being together so long as her kids didn't mind. They were actually overjoyed to our surprise (seriously how many kids go 'that's cool!' when they find out their mum is gay and is getting into a new relationship?)

When I told her how I've been feeling about gender stuff (not that I could tell her much coz I'm still so confused myself) she took it in her stride. The only thing she worried about what if I would still want to be with her (and unsure how she would feel about the intimate side of the relationship if I got bottom surgery). I reassured her about both of those things, but she's totally supportive and wants me to be able to be me.

I've never liked the dating scene as such. I'd definitely say you have more chance of a good relationship developing from a friendship with someone who is already open to who you are...but working out how to get that to happen is more difficult coz if you befriend someone in the hope that it will develop into a relationship then I'm not sure if that would work.

Problem with actively looking for a relationship is that you don't know anything about the views and attitudes of the person so it's so hit and miss when you have to think about coming out to that person and you don't know the motives or what's going on in the mind of someone who starts a relationship already knowing you're trans (are they only interested BECAUSE of that...do they think they can change your mind from continuing to transition etc.)

[Guest Neviah]

Isn't it possible to date a girl as a bio-guy and then come out only when things start to get excessively physical? I mean, once the girl gets to know you well, she'll be more willing to stick around even after finding out that you're trans...

I've been debating whether or not to respond to the above quote, but I think it's necessary. I understand that you are talking about waiting an extended amount of time before coming out to a partner in theory and not in practice, but as the S/O of an FTM, this concerns me. You don't need to out yourself to a girl you're interested in from the start, but waiting an extended amount of time before telling her that you're trans could be very problematic.

For starters, relationships should be built on trust. My partner told me that he was trans a week after we started dating. I had known him for a few years prior, and we traveled in the same social circles and had become friends. I had shared some very personal information with him, and this made him feel comfortable coming out to me. Had he waited, I would have been extremely hurt and embarrassed...especially if things had gotten very physical.

I know that the above quote is speculation, but I wanted to provide an S/O's perspective, since none have commented on this thread.

As far as meeting someone, try getting involved in groups for hobbies that you have. Do you play a sport or instrument, or do some type of craft? (Or you could try something completely new!) This will allow you to meet a bunch of people with shared interests--give you something to talk about. This is how my partner and I met. As an example: A friend and I just started taking an art class for fun, and the class is almost entirely female. If a guy were to join, he would immediately get attention...just saying!

Without seeing your dating profile, I can't offer any specific suggestions...I would just say that meeting people online is very different from meeting them in person--the way we portray ourselves in these situations can be very different. Just be yourself and be confident. Good luck!

[KieranD]

As far as meeting someone, try getting involved in groups for hobbies that you have. Do you play a sport or instrument, or do some type of craft? (Or you could try something completely new!) This will allow you to meet a bunch of people with shared interests--give you something to talk about. This is how my partner and I met. As an example: A friend and I just started taking an art class for fun, and the class is almost entirely female. If a guy were to join, he would immediately get attention...just saying!

Without seeing your dating profile, I can't offer any specific suggestions...I would just say that meeting people online is very different from meeting them in person--the way we portray ourselves in these situations can be very different. Just be yourself and be confident. Good luck!

I've been working on my hobbies but it's a bit of a problem. I enjoy doing my activism/lobbying and photography. The problem with these activities and most activities is that I'm read as female, typically a masculine female. I wouldn't want to have somebody become attracted to me because they see me as a masculine female then tell them "I'm really a trans man." I get the idea but it's a bit of a problem to go about things that way. Although, I will point out that I've given that a good shot and found a large handful of chasers.

I feel a bit safer online. I have that distance between myself and another person where rejection doesn't sting as much. There's also the information on my being trans already out there. I don't have to worry about somebody being really not cool with it.

As for the SO perspective, I think coming out to a partner is a bit of a double edge sword. They could react horribly and skip getting to know you because of it if you say it too soon. They could react horribly and get peed if it's withheld for too long because the partner thinks you're keeping a great big secret and don't trust them.

[Guest Roux]

I've never liked the dating scene as such. I'd definitely say you have more chance of a good relationship developing from a friendship with someone who is already open to who you are.

That was my experience, too. I joined an LGBTQIA organization several years ago after moving to a new city, hoping to find a comfortable social scene (and maybe starting a relationship). I found an awesome group of friends, and began what turned out to be a remarkably unhealthy relationship. One of my friends in particular was increasingly supportive during that time--the only straight and cisgender guy of the group, who happened to also be in a bad relationship. We broke up with our girlfriends around the same time, and later tentatively agreed to try dating. Last month I proposed, and he said yes. =D

The fact that it was an LGBTQIA organization really helped. I was comfortable being out as transgender, so there wasn't a threat of any Untimely Gender Identity Surprises further down the line.

Being friends with my fiance first was also ideal, because he had never been attracted to and had never considered dating someone who wasn't a cisgender woman. We were friends for a year before we started dating, so he'd had plenty of time to get used to the gender stuff--and discover that my identity suited him perfectly, actually. He's definitely not the only person like that in the world!

Telling someone too soon or too late does sound really risky, even though there are people who would take it all in stride. Perhaps you could find a group or organization where you can be safely out, and take it from there?

[KieranD]

It's been awhile since there were responses to this thread. I just wanted to see if anybody else could answer.

[Guest Doodlen]

I'm usually single, but the people I've dated I've always been friends with for awhile first. I find that really helps.

[Guest ranse]

Dating is never easy for anyone. I haven't been in a relationship since my divorce and don't know that I will be any time soon because of my own hangups--mainly that I see myself as a straight male and don't want to be seen as a lesbian. I'd have a hard time approaching a woman until I feel more like my exterior matches my interior.

Then, you have the question of disclosure. When to tell someone you're interested in that you're trans? Do you go on a few dates and let them get to know you a bit and then say something? Do you tell them right away? Do you wait until the relationship moves into physical intimacy?

I'm supposing I would meet people the same way I always have ... through things that draw us together by common interest. I'm not sure I'm really interested in a relationship as much as having a companion to enjoy some time with.

Finally, some sad part of me thinks I will never have a relationship, especially if I transition because it would be too difficult to explain myself and take rejection over and over until I find the right person.

Soon one of the optimists will come along and remind me to "never say never." (If anyone sings Justin Bieber, it'll get ugly in here. I'll come out swingin'.)

[KieranD]

Then, you have the question of disclosure. When to tell someone you're interested in that you're trans? Do you go on a few dates and let them get to know you a bit and then say something? Do you tell them right away? Do you wait until the relationship moves into physical intimacy?

I've been transitioning for many years, on T for a little over 7 months. I'm read as female. I always come out before any sort of date or intimacy because being misgendered by somebody who is interested me is probably the worst feeling.

I don't have the option to not tell.

[Guest Captain Troy]

I'm personally of the opinion that I'll always be upfront about my gender with dates. With my current boyfriend, it came up on the day we first met (we were at a GLBT rights protest lololo), and it was fine, because he is trans too :3

But if I ever end up looking for another partner (if something happens between the two of us or we decide to bring another person into the relationship), I will probably tell them within a date or two even if they can't tell to begin with.

I've only passed to a romantic interest once. It was dark and at prom, and we had a great time dancing. We had just met, and I got her facebook name and tried to add her. I'm assuming the reason she never responded to my request or anything was because she hadn't realised I was trans until she saw my old facebook photos. Oops, I guess that might appear as deceptive. I honestly didn't think I passed.

[Guest Shining Blue]

most people ive dated ive known already. i find it easier to be friends first and then ask them out.

[Guest Adios]

I met my current boyfriend online through an internet dating site. I'm listed as a gay male and have no indications in my profile regarding my medical history. We talked for about two months before I told him. It was only after I knew he was genuinely interested in me that I decided to come out to him.

In the past, I told a potential SO earlier on (within a week or even the first time talking to them). None of those situations worked out. Could have been a case of incompatibility in other areas or solely based on my trans status. I don't know. But I learned that perhaps it is better to wait, at least for a little while.