Figuring Out What I Want

[Guest Orva26]

Hello,

I'm losing it, my ability to perturb myself! Now this is a good thing but it also means that I think I'm at the point of actually figuring out what I want, that's right want. A need entails the outside it implies some drive to please another entity or organization, while a want is pure its you without any of that junk.

The big thing of contemplation today is hormones. Do I really want them? I have no delusions about what they are. They ARE NOT magic and to see them referred to as such bothers me. They're a life long medical regime one I'm not sure about.

I also gave my tome (journal/sketch book/thing) to my therapist last night. That was something that I resolved I should do before really talking about hormones with her. I mean if I don't show her everything beforehand I might end up screwing myself up. It also is kind of a milestone because hmmm... well remember some post here I pretty much outright apologized for bearing my ugliness? Well those where the ones that I could figure out how to get up here and obey the rules. In my own head and in my own book are a different set of rules, one that is more unfiltered. It actually is kind of a relief to be able to do.

It strange though when I contemplate hormones the question in my mind is, "Do I need them?" and I've realized I don't for the aforementioned reason that a need implies I have someone or something else to satiate aside from myself. But asking "Do I want them?" is equally as tough. My brain has a hard time formulating or even recognizing a future or way to not have 'em. Its like it doesn't want the idea that I can be happy without taking the plunge, but is that right? On the flip side its not like BAM! I am imagining a future with hormones all the time. Hmmm... maybe this is the path to being rational again.

I'm registered (well kind of my browser got funky so I'm not sure if I went through or not, I'll give it the day and see) for a conference about transgenderism taking place in two weeks in my state. Doing that was interesting too because I needed to sign up with my legal name; Orva can't exactly write checks with no "real" identity. But they also asked for a badge name and there I went with the unisex version of my "birth" name. Not to hide, I mean heck I'm going to the conference but rather for the reason that if I tell PRIDE at work about it coworkers might show up and I wouldn't want word getting out if it doesn't need to or before I talk with HR.

More importantly, a local endo who to my knowledge is THE person to currently see for cross-hormonal therapy will be there and will be speaking. My therapist actually refers people to him. I want to hear what he has to say because when it comes down to it he's the one with a M.D. and professional specialization in the area. There also will be talks about various other things, transitioning and working, how to seek legal action when discriminated against, and one with a title that is kind of ambiguous but I think it presents a teenager's perspective during their parent's transition. Oh yeah, and the keynote speaker, my therapist mentor.

Yikes, I really do need to zoom to work!

-Orva

[JJ]

Orva,

It's good to hear that you are getting on a more even keel.

Semantics is a funny thing. I define want and need completely differently-in fact almost the opposite. For me what I need is something I must have to continue to survive as myself-or in some cases survive at all. Wants are something I'd like to have, sometimes intensely, but I can continue without it.

For months after finding out I was trans and finding Laura's I slowly peeled back layer after layer of feelings and realizations. I am introspective and thought I knew myself but here there was just too much that had been buried or pushed aside. I had to deal with each layer before I could go on to the next.

And I went from being secretly somewhat repelled by the idea of hormones to the point of needing them by my definition of need. I can't say where your journey will take you, but I can say that it takes time and changes as you go. And that you shouldn't ever do hormones until you are certain that it is what you want. What you must have to live a good life. Once I made that decision it became the most important thing in my life-like a primal drive. I have seen something similar with many others here. Sometimes coming in and hearing us talk about those feelings you are missing the months, even years, that preceded it. When we were unsure and conflicted and confused.

I even still have major doubts at times that I can do this. I miss knowing the rules even if I never fit them. But I also find myself eager for every shot. I wouldn't dream of stopping no matter what the doubts and fears. Which tells me that I am doing the right thing.

Your therapist will help you come to a point of certainty either way. You'll know when you are ready. And the good news is that this is not a race. There is no rush and you have all the time you need to find what is best for you.

Hugs

John

[Carolyn Marie]

Doubts, fears and confusion are not bad things, Orva. They show that you're taking all this seriously, that you're considering all the angles, all the pluses and minuses, all the ramifications.

My therapist told me that if I didn't have all of those doubts and fears, she would worry about me.

Keep researching it, keep discussing it, keep thinking about it, Orva. You will come to a decision at some point, and you will know the right path. No one but you can know what's best.

Like John, there came a time when I just knew that transition and HRT were what I absolutely needed to do. But it was a long and winding road before I reached that point. Sounds like you're on the same road.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest JaniceW]

Wow what a change you have gone through over the last few months. Since we share the same therapist I won't directly address want versus need because we both know where Patty stands on it. I did have a conversation with her a few evenings ago about want/need too and we talked a bit about need not being as simple as she saw it. The idea being that there are two kinds of need, the one that Patty usually refers to where we have been convinced that we "need" something and a different one that is like a diabetic "needing" versus "wanting" insulin. The conclusion was that we cannot know if we truly "need" (like insulin) HRT until after it has been started and we begin to feel the effects of it. Sometimes those effects include a feeling of general well being that indicates that our systems have had a biochemical imbalance corrected. Not all people have this experience, but for me it defines the difference between wanting HRT and needing HRT. "Wanting" = Life will be better if I have it, "Needing" = My body functioning is incorrect without it.

Patty's real point ot me was that she, as a therapist, listens carefully to her clients to see how often they use the words want and need and she feels that a person who uses only the word need and never says "I want to ..." may be having some difficulty sorting out their own desires from what they hear others telling them.

The other comment I have for you is, YOU GOT IT GIRL! You are on the right track and the progress I have seen in you over the last few months has been amazing. Keep it up.

[Guest Susan57]

Hi Orva,

I really appreciate your analytical and rational way (and oh so honest way) of sorting through this highly charged part of your life. I think you help a lot of people by example to think more broadly and carefully about their own situations. Your intelligence is greatly appreciated. Thank you and keep on keeping us on track. big hugs to you

Susan

[Guest Orva26]

Thanks everyone!

I apologize for taking so long to respond. I had my brother visiting me and well not being out to him meant no responses and heck even if I was out to him it wouldn't be polite as a host for me to sit here and write one while he's around.

Actually for a bit there was a mental battle about if I should come out or not. I mean this kid is awesome! He has such a breath of socio/political knowledge it is crazy! We end up talking about gender variance for a while and he brings up Khanith, a group I didn't even know about. I ended up compromising with myself, he knows that I am friendly with the trans community in Hartford just not that I am also part of it.

Sometimes coming in and hearing us talk about those feelings you are missing the months, even years, that preceded it. When we were unsure and conflicted and confused.

I like this, it is a very good point. Tied in with:

My therapist told me that if I didn't have all of those doubts and fears, she would worry about me.

What was it, the legal definition of insanity? Thought it was something like for an insanity plea to work it has to be shown that an individual acted without the ability to rationalize the consequences of their actions. So yeah if someone was not conflicted about hrt it should send like a billion red flags off. Well unless they already worked through that themselves.

Good to know that the norm is for people to hem and haw over this. More often than not it is the things I'm on the fence about that are the things I end up wanting but this is a lot different than debating if I really want a ps3 or not.

And that you shouldn't ever do hormones until you are certain that it is what you want. What you must have to live a good life. Once I made that decision it became the most important thing in my life-like a primal drive.

Also like this. Though there is small disagreement that I believe hormones can be use diagnostically. But the thing that struck me as interesting in the response is word choice, specifically must and decision. A must is something that just has to be, for example in order to stay alive I MUST eat. Yet a decision is a conscious choice. Makes sense that they can interplay, In order to stay alive I must eat and I decide to eat chicken. Or in this case, I must express as myself and I decide to pursue hrt to do that.

I like this, it empowers the individual.

Patty's real point ot me was that she, as a therapist, listens carefully to her clients to see how often they use the words want and need and she feels that a person who uses only the word need and never says "I want to ..." may be having some difficulty sorting out their own desires from what they hear others telling them.

Yup ^^ It is a good point too. Now that there exist places like Lauras and other communities on the internet things are different than lets say 15 years ago. The information is out there and widely accessible for a lot of people. So a therapist must discern if a client is acting truly for themselves or if they are being caught up in some fanciful world.

The idea being that there are two kinds of need, the one that Patty usually refers to where we have been convinced that we "need" something and a different one that is like a diabetic "needing" versus "wanting" insulin

Also a good point I sort of had a similar idea formed but didn't know how to articulate it. I am also fond of its connecting one that some won't really know of the need until after they start. I have no delusions that life will be better if I go on hrt, for the most part it will be the same, might even get worse if I come out and lose people who are dear. Where the desire and perceived gain lie are in satiation. Being on hrt will allow me to have and do certain things that not being on it won't. I can't really get breast of my own flesh, or the knowledge that biochemically I am not aging as male without it. That is what I know it will afford me, well that and hopefully making me a cutie.

Like John, there came a time when I just knew that transition and HRT were what I absolutely needed to do. But it was a long and winding road before I reached that point. Sounds like you're on the same road.

I like winding roads! When I first took drivers ed I had one instructor that made us drive on such roads and it was good because we learned how to actually handle a vehicle. But the second instructor was like, "LAWL I'm GONNA TEACH JO HOW TO PARALLEL PARK!" which sure his instruction got me to be next to flawless at it for my road test but at the end of the day the stuff I got from the first instructor was much more practical. Since my road test I have only parallel parked around 4 times maybe.

Other thing is winding roads connect you to your vehicle more. You get to feel how it handles on the turns, which is awesome for a four wheel drive Subaru owner like me. Um... yeah I freaking love driving! How womanly of me.

Hehehehe, I'm bleeding metaphor!

Though sometimes I'd really like to hop on the expressway.

I think you help a lot of people by example to think more broadly and carefully about their own situations.

Hehe, I make people go, "STOP! THINKING TIME!"

More seriously, thanks. I would hope everyone with uncertainty would approach the situation with a similar level of insight/caution. If reading what I am thinking can make someone who is acting rashly slow down then that is a pretty great bonus.

Orva

PS. Been a while since I got the message that I am exceeding the allotted amount of quoted text. That's why some are in italics. This happen to anyone else?