Name...what Do You Think...and Am I Being Unrealistic?

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

So I'm thinking of trying out a new name...what d'you think of Gabriel...Gabe for short.

Problem is...as my partner just told me, changing my name is such an overt thing. I have to TELL people. At the moment I seem to be slipping by without attracting any attention to what I'm doing. I never dressed very girly in the first place...ok so a lot of my t-shirts had not particularly guyish pictures on them (although I had a fair amount of mens clothes thrown in the mix) and until a couple of weeks ago I had long hair but, well people get their hair cut for other reasons and the change in my clothes to just more overtly male is so subtle that it's not worth mentioning. As far as my female chest disappearing well no one seems to have noticed that...but again I have always worn pretty baggy clothes and a sports bra that flattened things out a bit so maybe that's not so obvious either.

On one hand this is cool coz it's like I'm transitioning by stealth...on the other hand it's kinda disappointing that no one has noticed coz it means they are still seeing me as a girl.

But to change my name I have to actual explain to people 'I want to be called Gabe now instead' and then they're gonna want to know why...and that's scary!

I figure it's nearly the end of the year at college and not practical to do it there (and I'm not even certain this is gonna work for me yet. I kinda just want to try it to see if it feels right). My kids are 12 and 14 and they've already come to terms with the news that their mum is gay and got into a relationship with me ('another woman'). My partner doesn't feel they're ready to handle 'oh by the way your step parent is now transgender' so I can't think how to get around this with them...and I know my parents are gonna go ape and my sister is not gonna understand.

SO...anyone got any ideas?

Do I just ask my partner to call me Gabe for a few days only when no one else is around and see how that goes?...or what?

Is it too early to even think about this when I'm still trying to work out what exactly my gender identity is (but am feeling more and more certain that I was born transgender even though things have confused me since and I don't want to admit it)?

...help...?

[Guest Ariel Mai]

Well for me I am getting a name change when I start hormones. If Gabe is what you wish to be called then ask the people who know you are transgender to call you Gabe. Also forewarning many of us go through multiple names before finding the right fit. Also you need to be ready for the public to know about your name change because it is too hard on one person to call you your real name in public, but Gabe at home. Once you are ready for others to know and you are confident then that is the time to get a name change. Also are you seeing a therapist for this? They can help a lot. Any hows yes start having your partner call you Gabe to make sure it feels right. It's gonna be hard, weird, etc. but hon I'm sure you'll make it through fine. Also you can change your name and not even tell anyone, no one will find out not your doctors, school, friends, parents, until you show them the document saying you got a name change. Only the document can prove that you did. Hope this helps

Lots of Love,

Ariel <3

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

Thanks Ariel, That helps set my mind straight a bit.

I'm ready for the public to know...but NOT for my mum to know. I have to be 120% sure before I talk to her coz she's gonna hit the roof!

My partner and I have agreed that we could tell our kids it's just a new nickname for me and ask them to start using it too if I decide I want to keep it (but probably not until I've worked that out coz it would be too confusing for them to go through however many 'nicknames' for me) so that means we could be ok with my partner calling me Gabe at home in front of our kids and when we're out.

It's strange y'know, I knew a lad called Gabe back when I was 15 and I loved the name and it's almost like I've kept it and cherished it ever since even though I had no thoughts of transitioning then. I've been calling myself Angel for a couple of years online (never with any thought of being called it IRL except as a pet name by my partner who gave it to me) but the thought of having it as a permanent name doesn't quite fit and is too neutral...and the more I thought that the more Gabe came back out at me and that one feels right. I know I might change my mind again but right now it fits and I can imagine being called that.

I have been talking about gender stuff to my therapist recently but I've been seeing her for years and she is a general therapist who I've been seeing for trauma stuff not a gender therapist. I'm kinda seeing how far things can go with her right now but I know I'm gonna have to see a gender therapist at some point.

[Guest Ariel Mai]

Well atleast you are seeing some kind of therapist, a gender therapist would be in need some point soon. Hope everything comes through alright with your children. I say let them age a bit, I dropped it on my brother when he was 10 and he started freaking out, he was asking my parents does that mean I am transgender too. So just an example of what happened with me. Gabe is a great name, Gabe is probably one of my favorite boy names too. Haha not to mention I don't even call myself Ariel anymore, I finally am settling down on a name, Ava Mai, it's my moms favorite name and that is what she wanted to name me if I was a girl so it is her choice and it is also on of my favorite girls names. Well Gabe I am glad to see that your partner is so accepting/ supportive of you. Your mum should know before you start hormone therapy if you choose to, who knows maybe she might be super supportive or maybe not, atleast you have an amazing person with you who can get you through it all.

Lots of Love,

Ava Mai.

[Guest John Chiv]

The first thought I had while reading this post was Gabe fits you. Good luck It's great to see you post often.

John

[Guest BlakeFTM19]

I think you should tell your partner

-Blake

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

Wow Ava Mai is a beautiful name! My mum called me Bill until I was born. Not quite so elegant lol.

Things are difficult with my mum. She's never supported me in anything important in my life...only on the things SHE wanted for me like getting married (to a jerk) and taking exams and stuff. She even stood back and watched me being abused for years because she was too weak a person to do anything but blame me for it.

She took 5 years to come to terms with the fact I came out as gay and she would see being trans as WAY more deviant than that.

I haven't decided how far I want to go with transitioning yet but if I decide to start hormones I will tell her. She's very good at 'not seeing' what she doesn't want to notice but probably not THAT good lol.

Thanks John. I worry that I post too much so thanks for saying that.

Hi Blake, yeah I am talking to my partner about stuff and I have talked to her about this. I just know this is tough for her. Apart from the difficulty of watching someone she loves changing , she identifies as a lesbian. She's promised me she will love me no matter what and I've promised her the same thing...but I say things like I desperately want top surgery or I want to be called by a male name and she's watching me change into the wrong gender for her to be attracted to even if she still loves the person who I am. That's as confusing and painful for her as it is for me...and neither of us know where this is going yet so it's scary for her as well as for me.

I worry about saying too much sometimes coz I don't want to hurt her.