Tonight I Was Feeling Butterflies?!

[Guest Alicia Rose]

Hello everyone,

I'm new to your forum, and myself. I want to share a story (try to keep it short!) about what I felt today, about 20-minutes ago...

I'm always in my room, doing nothing, sitting online, wasting my life. It sucks. But tonight I was standing outside thinking. Trying to see how I really felt about who I am, or what I am. I thought of myself getting an awesome job, good pay, good friends, a beautiful girl-friend. Which I don't actually have. I was day-dreaming about proposing to her saying I love you and making her happy.. everything inside felt.. gray. Wasn't exciting at all which im not shocked. So I re-hatched this 'event' as a girl. I'm beautiful, with a guy who said he loves me, wants to take care of me. I wanted to cry while thinking this from bliss. It felt like a star.. not gray. I even thought I was hungry just to realise, OMG, it's that butterfly feeling? LOL!

Everything I do, seeing myself as male makes me very sad.. currently suffering from depression. Nothing sounds fun, don't want to work, don't want a girl-friend. I want to enjoy life though, but I don't want to be with a girl.. but I'm not gay - As in Male-to-Male.

I have a lot of questions, worries, mixed-feelings, scared of life but wanting to live happy. When I see myself as a girl, I don't care what I do for a living but I care who I am when doing so. It's not a question of do I really want to be a girl, I have felt this way for about 2 years, and I just turned 22 on May 1st. I really really really want to learn what I should do, what I can do. How many years will it take to actually be who I want to be - I want to do this in my early 20s so I can have a life.. have a guy ask me out on a date, fall in love, move in together, stay up late watching movies. That's my bliss.. nothing I can have right now as the male I am :*(

Is it possible to have a change early in my life so I can live it how I want.

Everything I think of as a girl I am happy but I don't have a job.. not rich.. no income for me, so I feel this will not happy until I can pay for who I am. :\

Anyone have anything to say to me? Thank you.

[Guest Karen K]

Miss Moon,

First off, let me welcome you to Laura's Playground, you have come to the right place. Come on in and have a look around, ask your questions and post your musings, feelings (good or bad). We will listen, offer support, comfort and our best advice. Now, there are girls here who are more experienced that I, but I will try my best to give you sound guidance.

Now, have you looked for a gender therapist in you area? Or perhaps a transgender support group? Transitioning Male to Female or Female to Male is a lengthy undertaking, maybe a little less so for younger transitioners, I don't know. But what you should do first is find a therapist who specializes in gender studies and more specifically Gender Identity Dysphoria. Then through consultations with a GT you can find the answers you are looking for.

Search the posts here and you will come up with answers to all your questions. If it's not there then ask. We'll be here for you.

Laura Jane

[Guest Melanie54]

Welcome to Laura's Playground!

I understand. I am in the same position. I'm 21 myself on May 4th. Just a few months a go, I realized that I too wanted to be a girl even though the thought filtered in and out all my life. I would try to find a gender therapist near you. I saw mine today and he helped put things into perspective and was a good boost to my spirit. Of course you call always just rant away. We are always happy to listen.

Melanie

[Guest Alicia Rose]

Welcome to Laura's Playground!

I understand. I am in the same position. I'm 21 myself on May 4th. Just a few months a go, I realized that I too wanted to be a girl even though the thought filtered in and out all my life. I would try to find a gender therapist near you. I saw mine today and he helped put things into perspective and was a good boost to my spirit. Of course you call always just rant away. We are always happy to listen.

Melanie

@Melanie - Very simliar it sounds, wow! Thanks for the reply, made me happy! I bet a therapist would help, maybe in time I will be able to actually do that. It's like a dream for me, scary to take the first step but I know once I start trying, it will be worth it. :-)

@Karen K - Thanks for the reply too, and the information. I am looking around, seeing what others say. This was my first time ever joining a forum to talk about this and this is the best forum I have found so far. :-)

[Sally]

Welcome Jealous Moon,

it is good to have you here.

Yes, transitioning is expensive and it takes time but it begins slowly with baby steps.

Do a little self exploration, we can help a little with our experiences but as mentioned a therapist trained in Gender Identity Disorders is a great early step because it helps to start you down the right path.

So settle back and have a cup of hot cocoa and I'll get you some fresh baked cookies while you wait for the others to drop by.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Alicia Rose]

Welcome Jealous Moon,

it is good to have you here.

Yes, transitioning is expensive and it takes time but it begins slowly with baby steps.

Do a little self exploration, we can help a little with our experiences but as mentioned a therapist trained in Gender Identity Disorders is a great early step because it helps to start you down the right path.

So settle back and have a cup of hot cocoa and I'll get you some fresh baked cookies while you wait for the others to drop by.

Love ya,

Sally

LOL! Aww, thanks. I know it's costly but I this is what makes me happy and if I find a way, I'll take it. I'm pretty small though, I don't think it would take a lot. I'm about 5'6" - 5'8" and 115-lbs to 130-lbs and at 22-years old, it sounds good. Plus it really makes me feel happy, something I don't really feel.

I'm online because I don't have others to talk to in real life about this.. lost my bother and mother who I could have told and not worry.. now it's my father who drunks and works.. ugh. Anywho, thanks for the welcome.

[Sally]

Come here and talk to us as often as you wish to - we are here and we care, we will listen and answer any questions that we can.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Alicia Rose]

Come here and talk to us as often as you wish to - we are here and we care, we will listen and answer any questions that we can.

Love ya,

Sally

So I was messing with a website that I can upload pictures of myself and merge them with other pictures. It creates a ghost image so you see what it looks like which works very well I might add. I mixed myself with a female who looked close to my face shape. I then placed the final picture into Microsoft paint and added black hair and green in the eyes (I want!)

What do you think, when I see it I see myself with simple changes..

Of course the hair looks fake and I probably would just have light brown eyes.. or small glasses.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Welcome sweetheart,

Welcome to Laura's hon. Depending upon your circumstances (environmentally not monetarily) there are many things that you can do to help you feel the way you want to feel.

Something very simple you may want to consider as a very first step. Get a couple of hair ties and wear them as bracelets. Many girls do wear them as bracelets. From there, as you experiment, the sky is the limit

I will tell you this my dear... jeans never felt so good when your legs are shaved.

Love

Brenda

[Guest Alicia Rose]

Welcome sweetheart,

Welcome to Laura's hon. Depending upon your circumstances (environmentally not monetarily) there are many things that you can do to help you feel the way you want to feel.

Something very simple you may want to consider as a very first step. Get a couple of hair ties and wear them as bracelets. Many girls do wear them as bracelets. From there, as you experiment, the sky is the limit

I will tell you this my dear... jeans never felt so good when your legs are shaved.

Love

Brenda

I live pretty much in the middle of nowhere, it's nice and quiet but it is an apartment with my dad and other brother. I do shave though, started shaving more and more for the past few months. You are SOOO right! Thank you for the welcome too. ^^

[Guest Melanie54]

Another cheap way to start experimenting is to paint your toes. It's also easy to hide if you have to be in male mode. I like your picture, you look cute.

[Guest Alicia Rose]

Another cheap way to start experimenting is to paint your toes. It's also easy to hide if you have to be in male mode. I like your picture, you look cute.

I just took a shower and was going to do that! But there are no other females in the house anymore so I couldn't find the stuff. I didn't because I worry others may see my toes and ask questions, lol. I never tried painting them yet but I wanna practice.