Why Do Parents Sometimes Disown Us?

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

Hey, I'm stayin' outta this one.

However, I'm so luvin' this thread!

All of you are rockin' the house! What a GREAT read!

Thanks so Much Lacey Lynne

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

The 'why' in the case of my adopted mother was simple - she was a complete sociopath - everything for her was "My way or the highway" and NOBODY ever came out ahead with her. My "difference" was evident from early childhood and I was punished and berated for it at every turn, every day, every year. She had no idea that people had "feelings" and if she did, she didn't care. I was told repeatedly that I was defective and they should have taken me back (to the adoption agency - imagine, a warranty on children LOL!) and punished for any display of femininity - not that it did any good because there wasn't one iota of masculinity in me and I could have passed for a boy with a script and acting lessons!

The final straw was when I was 24 and SRS became available. I told her I HAD to go because I had been suicidal for the previous couple of years. She said "It would be better if you killed yourself." (I guess that was a bit stronger than being "disowned".)

On the other hand, I met my birth mother when I was 40 and she didn't miss a step! Her reaction (to finding out about me) was "Oh. When can I meet her?"

Jane, that did it! Now, I've GOT to jump into this particular fray.

Like you, I am adopted too. Like you, I had exactly the same kind of adoptive mother (and the adoptive father was that way too). Unlike you, I'm preop (and maybe nonop). Unlike you, I never met my birth mother. About five years ago, the for-now wife urged me to contact the adoption agency which adopted me out.

They knew her married and birth names and would NOT give them to me ... because of some asinine law the state of my birth had on their books.

"I'll never know." is true in this instance for me.

Amazingly, said whacko adoptive-mom now IS coming around and is reasonably accepting. Long story. Beyond whacked-out science fiction. A story NOBODY would believe. When I tried to tell it to people in my younger days they thought I was making it up and that I was flipped out. After a while, I learned. Why try and tell a story NOBODY believes ... because that story is so messed up ... but true nonetheless?

All I'm gonna say. I feel for you, Jane. Hugs!

Everbody:

Loving your posts. This topic rocks. You all rock.

Lacey

[Guest Mina89]

I don't know if this helps answer the question at all, but I got my graduation invitation back from my parents in the mail today in a different envelope with no note or written comment or anything.

I don't even know why I sent them one.

At least they're not keeping me in suspense.

-Valerie

[Guest ChaosEverafter]

for my personal experience with my parents the reason was this:

they blamed themselves for my gender issues. they seemed to think that they could have done more things to make me "male" and therefore not have issues with my gender identity. so whenever they see me as female, i am a reminder of their failure as parents. and even when i explain to them, that's not true at all, it doesn't matter because that's how they feel, and i can't change their minds.

also they seem to think that the personal problems i will have as forcing myself to live as a guy are less then the external problems i will face living as a girl. which is in the eye of the beholder. they are not me, so they will never understand that aspect of it.

to them i will always be James, even when to the rest of the world i am Andrea (when that happens).

while i love my parents, and i wish they would accept me, i am not willing to sacrifice my happiness to have them in my life. that may be selfish, but after all i am living my life, and being selfish comes with the territory.

my mother is more accepting then my father, but the only reason is because she is much more family oriented and doesn't want to lose me. i think what really made it clear to her how i felt is when i said i would rather be dead then live as a male. and she is starting to come to the conclusion that she "would rather have a daughter then a dead son" (her words).

i only hope that my father can be swayed to believe this as well, but it is a small hope.

[Guest ChloëC]

Ok, one thing that really 'frosts' me, is that as kids, I did - and I have very strong suspicions that most other kids did too - think or say or feel, just wait, when I get to be an adult and a parent, I'm going to do such and such. Especially - No way am I going to be like my parents (especially my stepdad).

And then, I see these kids as adults and parents and guess what? They are so like their parents it just kills me.

And that leads to the second thing - they have 'forgotten' completely what it was like or how they felt.

I used to be an Air Traffic Controller, in the days before 'The Strike' (Reagan was President), but I never joined the union because I knew years before it happened that they were going to strike and management made me sign a document within 5 minutes of showing up my first day that I wouldn't strike (or I would be fired). I knew if I joined the union, I'd go against that paper I signed and I would be a hypocrite. But, it turns out that most controllers go into Airways Facilities after so many years (no controller had ever 'retired' as a controller, you just couldn't last that long!), and they're the ones who actually make the decisions. So, I said to the union, guys (and some gals), if you want change so bad, just work yourselves into Airways Facilities and take over! They looked at me like I was crazy and said, we're striking. And guess what, almost to a person, all the people in Airways Facilities that had been controllers AND union members, had completely changed their minds and were totally against the union. So much for courage of convictions.

And that's what bothers me so much about people who grow up and while a child and teen, know that they aren't being raised right, but get to be an adult and immediately change their minds. No courage of convictions. I vowed to listen to my children and I did, I vowed that I would never use physical violence against them and I didn't, I vowed that I would love them unconditionally, and I do. I vowed especially that each of them were different and while I loved them equally, they would have different needs and I would try to meet each. And when they complained that so and so got something they didn't, I would patiently explain that they got something the other didn't because they needed what they got and other needed what they got, and as they became adults they realized it. And I just got back from visiting my adult son, his wife and two children, and they are being raised (with a ton of love) like I tried to raise him, (only he doesn't really recognize yet, wait till he has grandchildren!) and I love my son even more now if that's possible. And that's how it should be.

Hugz

Chloë

[Guest Opal]

In my case, my parents knew when I was about five because I told them so! They took it as a 'phase' that I was going through. My mom passed away when I was 21, and my dad is so frail now that I really see no point in telling him. In his day, the opinion was boys dressed like girls to avoid military draft.

I told a friend of mine about two years ago, and he took the news very well and has been quite accepting. After seeing a therapist for a bit, I came out to my brother who seemed to accept the news at first, but became less accepting over time. My sister recently saw a photo of me on FB, and told me my photo does not even look like me, now having somewhat longer hair.

I guess it all comes down to, how much is one going to live true to themselves, and how much is one going to live to the approval of their family?

Huggs,

Opal

[Guest ~Brenda~]

I watched one of those judge shows a couple of day ago and watched in dis-belief about a mother daughter relationship so destroyed over a car loan (money) that it had to be taken to court.

What struck me about this particular show is that the sense of family and human decency was completely thrown out because of an insane sense of money. Here, just money broke this family apart (some family).

Now consider in the same kind of families something like expressing that one is transgendered to them. Do you now think it is that they would apply different values to being transgendered...well.. no.. This type of family structure will as easily throw out a transgendered member as they would throw out someone who owed them money. Do you see the unbelievable shallowness of this family?

The basic point I am trying to illustrate here is that people who "disown" family because of one expressing their true selves are as limited as those who disown family members over money. To me, this is a very short sighted and primitive power play.

To those of you who have discarded your transgendered family members... you are not to be congratulated. It simply shows that you are not intelligent enough nor sensitive enough to even begin to understand what is important what being human is all about.

For you, life has no meaning other than the primitive sense of power.

Brenda

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Ok, one thing that really 'frosts' me, is that as kids, I did - and I have very strong suspicions that most other kids did too - think or say or feel, just wait, when I get to be an adult and a parent, I'm going to do such and such. Especially - No way am I going to be like my parents (especially my stepdad).

And then, I see these kids as adults and parents and guess what? They are so like their parents it just kills me.

And that leads to the second thing - they have 'forgotten' completely what it was like or how they felt.

I used to be an Air Traffic Controller, in the days before 'The Strike' (Reagan was President), but I never joined the union because I knew years before it happened that they were going to strike and management made me sign a document within 5 minutes of showing up my first day that I wouldn't strike (or I would be fired). I knew if I joined the union, I'd go against that paper I signed and I would be a hypocrite. But, it turns out that most controllers go into Airways Facilities after so many years (no controller had ever 'retired' as a controller, you just couldn't last that long!), and they're the ones who actually make the decisions. So, I said to the union, guys (and some gals), if you want change so bad, just work yourselves into Airways Facilities and take over! They looked at me like I was crazy and said, we're striking. And guess what, almost to a person, all the people in Airways Facilities that had been controllers AND union members, had completely changed their minds and were totally against the union. So much for courage of convictions.

And that's what bothers me so much about people who grow up and while a child and teen, know that they aren't being raised right, but get to be an adult and immediately change their minds. No courage of convictions. I vowed to listen to my children and I did, I vowed that I would never use physical violence against them and I didn't, I vowed that I would love them unconditionally, and I do. I vowed especially that each of them were different and while I loved them equally, they would have different needs and I would try to meet each. And when they complained that so and so got something they didn't, I would patiently explain that they got something the other didn't because they needed what they got and other needed what they got, and as they became adults they realized it. And I just got back from visiting my adult son, his wife and two children, and they are being raised (with a ton of love) like I tried to raise him, (only he doesn't really recognize yet, wait till he has grandchildren!) and I love my son even more now if that's possible. And that's how it should be.

Hugz

Chloë

Awwww

Wonderful story!

lizzy

[Guest Strawberry Pancakes]

This is a really good question. If only we could go through our parents heads and see what they think about their child. Like some others have stated maybe they blame themselves for it? Maybe due to coming from a different generation would affect it as well. Perhaps different cultures come into play in here as well. I wish I knew what my father was thinking when he disowned me. I can understand that there would be shock. Lots of people are afraid of change and perhaps some parents think their child is changing to someone they don't know. It is a big change, but they should realize that you are the same person and just changing your outer appearance to how you feel.

[JJ]

You know after some time to reflect I would have to say fear.

It is just so much easier to run and hide from what we don't understand and don't know how to handle. If they disown you they can stay in denial forever,

Sadly parents are just people. Being a parent doesn't give them extra wisdom -unless they are willing to learn, or extra strength-unless they are willing to grow. And those who disown their children are those who are unwilling to do either.

I was disowned once-and disinherited as well-not for trans issues but because I wrote three words in a letter when my step-father tried to force me to do something I thought was wrong for me. He even sent me a copy of his will with a copy of my letter included. My family did eventually force me to do what they wanted-they threatened to cut all contact with my baby sister as well as disowning me and put her on the phone to ask why I didn't want to see her anymore-and I regretted the decision for the rest of my life. And though we grew close again something was lost that could never be regained. Even when he later told me it was also one of the great regrets of his life but he thought he knew best at the time. Which I suppose is the other reason they disown us. They think they know best and cutting us off will force us to come to our senses.

So sad. For everyone involved.

Johnny

[Guest ChloëC]

That is sad, John. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones. I grew up with a mother who loved all five of us equally, and I saw that. She was willing to listen, to an extent. She raised 5 kids, taught middle-school for 30 years, buried the love of her life after 9 years of marriage (of which 3 was war time), married someone who said he professed his love for her and knew about 3 boys, but actually hated kids. And every night she would come home from school, prepare a full course dinner, have martini's waiting for him, sit with him for 20 or so minutes so he could relax (while still trying to prepare dinner), and had 2 daughters with him.

She was jealous of her older sister, for probably good reason, her parents favored her and her family over ours even though they would stay with us for 1-3 months at a time between their summer cottage and Mexico. Didn't catch on to that until years later, when they died, and the older daughter got the pick of anything she wanted and tossed lots she didn't want without telling my mother.

My spouse's family takes the cake, though. She had a great aunt who would almost weekly change her will depending on who she could force into doing what her bidding. Her mother's cousins come right out and put down each other in front of anyone who will listen. The rivalry, jealousy, and petty disagreements never stop. They all try to one up each other. I can't figure it out. I grew up in a family that never, ever passed rumors about relatives, friends, neighbors, we just didn't discuss any of that. Was I in for a rude awakening when I actually got out into the world.

Oh, and my ex-wife flat out said to me about a year after our divorce and two after she gave birth to my son, when the obstretrician delived the baby and said, It's a boy, her first thought was 'that figures'. She wanted a girl, so when she divorced me, she could shower her with 'affection'. She showered our son with memorabilia (post cards, handouts, etc) from places she visited. No clothes or toys on birthdays/holidays, just junk. Not quite love, at least in my book. Which is partly why I fought for custody and eventually won in two different states. That was the best thing I've ever done in my life. And his success and family and two grandchildren are the result, which I will forever be thankful that I did what I did.

Hugz

Chloë

[Guest Marie E.]

I guess in my situation my parents disowned me because of their religion. All my life all I ever heard from them was hating others because it goes against their religious beliefs, the reason I left home at 16 and never came out to them until 3 1/2 years ago. I asked them isn't god about unconditional love? I'm your child and doesn't a parent have unconditional love for their children? They refused to answer my questions. They were sure that my wife was going to disown me also but when I told them she has not because she has an understanding of unconditional love and so does her momma. It angered my parents that my wife and her momma were giving me full support. My mother in law told me face to face that she loves me unconditionally and never changed how she treated me. She passed away July 2010 and I miss her very much. My parents told me that it is easier for her to accept me because she is not blood. I greatly disagree with this because in reality what did she have to lose by not accepting me because I'm not her blood family? Isn't the bond between parents and child greater than a relative by a marriage? I will never know their true intent, is it really because of their religion? Or is it really about their own fear?

Marie

[Guest Robin Winter]

In my fathers case, it was for religious reasons. He is and raised me one of Jehovah's Witnesses. When I rejected the faith, he rejected me.

[Guest AlexForever]

This is just as difficult for them as it is for us, and deep down inside they will always love us no matter what.

The problem is that their "love" will not help me if I end up starving because I get kicked out and can't find a job.

Their "love" will not protect me if I end up selling my body because I can't find anything else.

Their "love" will not stop haters from hurting or killing me.

I don't give a Gosh darned if it's "just as difficult" for a parent. If you disown your child for being trans you're an horrible person who deserves to get cancer.

And that stuff runs in my family, so I know what I'm talking about, and I would not say such a thing lightly.

You cannot truly claim to love a child and then do everything you can to destroy hirs life. If you really love your child you do not do such things.

I'm sorry, but I have zero symphathy for some kinds of "parents". Might be because mine weren't too great and I was always told I should be "grateful" for having them...

Now, to be clear, my parents aren't monsters, but they just screwed up too many times. The fact that they "still love me" and it's "very difficult" for them doesn't change the fact that now I have to get therapy and pills, mostly because of what they did to me.

Sure at least they didn't disown me (yet), so it's not too bad, I guess. But I'll still go away ASAP and they can't forget that I take care of them once they get old.

So, ZERO sympathy from me for parents who even go as far as disowning their "beloved" children just because they are trans, gay, or anything similar.

Yes, it's as if you had died. But what died was ONLY in their mind.

Exactly. When a parents loves hirs MENTAL PROJECTION more than hirs ACTUAL LIVING child, something is very wrong.

I'd even dare to say "wrong as in "clinically delusional"".

Lastly, i think...lol. is I'm obviously speaking of my own family these last two notes but, some people just aren't capable of feeling love, acceptance, dignity, humility, anything positive because of the tumultuous way they were raised themselves. if they don't know how or why to respect themselves, have never been loved but instead were just tossed aside, neglected and/ or abused all their childhood than how the heck did they expect to raise their own kids any better than their parents raised them. they don't know any better than what they're familiar with which is nothing any child should know. i don't want to go on and on about my family since I've taken up enough space already but you get a few thoughts as to why some parents can't handle or just choose not to handle our transitioning the right way, with love and acceptance.

This might be the case sometimes; I know I have "bad" reactions because of my past, as for an example:

I was always punished for crying, often because I was being "too loud" and "the neighbours will hear you!" by my parents or because it annoyed them, but also by other people (ex: other children making fun of me, adults getting angry at me), so I always had to hide when I felt like crying and be careful not to get discovered or I would have been insulted, made fun of, and sometimes even hurt.

When my mother and I had a violent argument because I had binded and she didn't want me to go with them to my aunt if I didn't take off my binding, she started crying at some point, very loudly, and let herself fall on the floor like a kid throwing a tantrum.

When I saw that, my reaction was not of compassion, or an emphatic one.

My first reaction was a sudden urge to beat the everloving crap out of her.

This was not a conscious thing, it was a visceral instinct. I was always taught that when you cried you only get hurt more for being weak and making a scene, so my standard reaction to crying, expecially if someone is "making a scene", is a violent one. I feel like "teaching them a lesson".

(And no, I did not act on it, I turned arund and run away from home, returning only later in the evening).

This is obviously NOT A GOOD THING, and one of the many reasons why I will never have kids.