Cool Day!

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

I'm not meant to be posting today coz I'm sick (someone infected my family with chickenpox...you are NOT supposed to be able to get that more than once...this is my THIRD TIME!!!!)

BUT I had to break that and post anyway COZ I just came out to another forum I'm on (yeah another place I was posting when I should have been resting but hey it takes more than this to make me behave and do something sensible...actually I don't know what it takes to make me do what behave and be sensible coz I've never managed to do it yet lol) and I was expecting people to throw rotten fruit at me and chase me out of the forum but I have so far only got really encouraging responses AND someone else who I already knew on the forum messaged me to say he is also FTM!!!!

Also ...it's not about coming out but I'm gonna tack this on the the end of this post anyway...I left my therapist speechless today when I told her that I actually kinda like who I'm becoming (it might not seem like the highest self praise ever but she's never heard me say anything about myself that wasn't REALLY beating myself up before)...I mean I've told her some pretty shocking stuff before and never shocked her but this did! That's how big it is!

I feel good today (well except for physically feeling pretty rubbish...and ITCHY! lol)

hmm I just realised it's 5:42 AM which means 2 things...one I REALLY should be sleeping...and 2 I think my name should be 'he who posts mainly in the death hour when no one is here to notice the post'

Oh well

night folks

Gabe

[Sally]

Good night Gabe,

Sleep well and get over that itching and yucky feeling.

I am so glad that you are finally happy about who you are becoming - because you really have no choice in the matter so you might as well like him - I do.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest JaniceW]

Gabe,

I have three things to say to you right now

1) Oatmeal baths!

2) I like you too

3) Good night.

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

Thank you Sally...you're awesome. And yeah I like this me much more than the female me...I pretty much hated her all my life.

Janice, you are also awesome...for once in my life I'm gonna do what I'm told lol

Does the oatmeal have to be in a bath? social services took my bath away coz they said a wetroom shower would be easier for me...I don't think they'd give the bath back just coz I told them I need to put oatmeal in it lol

Gabe

[Guest JaniceW]

Gabe,

You can fill the sink with nice hot water and put the oatmeal bath in there, mix it up and then do a sponge bath. The oatmeal will be amazingly soothing to your itching.

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

Thank you...I'll try that. I wish I'd known to do that for my son but he's already stopped itching...oh to have a REAL immune system! lol

[Guest John Chiv]

Gabe,

What would the moderators at night do if you didn't post? You came here to say goodnight because you like us better than those other places right?

And you behave? When did that happen, did I miss that?

John

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Gabe

If you have a shower, you are supposed to just eat that oatmeal??? Grin... sorry for the itchy-owies.. dang. I wonder how chickens scratch themselves, all those feathers in the way... em... anyway - we forget you are like 6 hours ahead of us. So your late night revelations are usually just evening reading here in the USA Central Time Zone (Daylight Savings).

You like the real you? That is so good! Ain't it grand to realize that... after so much suffering? I mean, it doesn't mean you can stop struggling to be accepted by others, only that you can smile a bit now, while doing so!

Good Great Grand!

GO GABE GO!

Never too late at night for posting on Laura's!

Lizzy

[JJ]

Gabe

For me Benadryl gel worked wonders and saved my sanity if not my life when I got shingles (chicken pox's older brother and a nasty brute) I had discovered it when I discovered that you can spontaneously become sensitive to poison ivy even if you could roll in it with impunity before (As a side note never, ever sit in a patch of poison ivy in a bikini while fishing, No matter that it is the only spot open because of the poison ivy and you have never reacted before. The results of that kind of exposure are beyond description. They should use it as a torture technique! No, not really-too inhumane.)

Your words about beginning to like yourself made me feel so good. I remember how incredible it felt when I first started liking myself after a lifetime of loathing. Just recently the next step happened. I was checking something in the mirror and happened to meet my eyes. It was like an electric jolt because I saw a man in my own eyes that I not only respect and am proud of, but that I love.

My tears are inside these days but they were there. It feels so strange. But it is true. Not in an egotistical way, but in a basic human fundamental way I love that man I see now and that changes everything. You are on your way there.

Stay as well as you can and take it easy.

JohnJ

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

Hey John (Chiv to differentiate) LOL nah the behaving was too much to ask...I ended up staying up for a while longer after all.

...and yeah I love you guys...who could not want to be around you *hugs*

Hey Lizzy, yeah I like the idea of eating the oatmeal. Do you think that would fix an itchy intestine?

...still itching though. Whereas my son got better in under a week I'm still getting new spots come out. *pictures my immune system wandering around aimlessly fighting random things and missing the chickenpox altogether*

Hmm interesting thought about itchy chickens. *imagines a chicken sitting there plucking its self to get to the itch*

Liking myself is a surreal kinda feeling. To start with I thought I was dissociating coz I wasn't feeling all the self loathing but my therapist told me this is just what feeling good is like. It's cool.

I also discovered that I can still hate my body while at the same time liking the person I am inside which is cool too (not the hating my body bit but that I can like the person I am at the same time)

I'm terrible at remembering what the time differences between places is but I'm used to it being annoying when it makes it difficult to talk to friends in America and Australia so having the time difference work for me for a change is cool...I hadn't even thought about that lol

John (JJ to differentiate from John Chiv...man this is confusing lol) I don't think I can have Benadryl coz of other meds I'm on. I am already on an antihistamine for allergies but it doesn't seem to be doing too much for the itching.

Euw that poison ivy story sounds horrible. I haven't ever had it coz I don't think we have poison ivy here but I've heard that it's so painful!

What you said about when you met your eyes in the mirror sounds such a beautiful moment and I'm so glad you can feel that love for the man you are. I can't imagine feeling like that...but then a couple of weeks ago I couldn't imagine even vaguely liking myself. I look forward being able to feel that way.

Thank you guys.

I'm still getting people reply to me on that other site saying validating things and I've got better to know a couple of people on that site by messages they've sent me which is really cool.

I'm finding it amazing how many people have responded to my post on that site saying they know other trans people. I would love to live in a more diverse area where I could friends offline who are trans. I mean it's awesome knowing you guys online but to have an offline friend who I could actually hang out with or something...that would be cool just like it's cool to have friends I share other things with y'know?

Hey, I don't really talk to people IRL anyway so I probably get to know you guys more than I would with a friend offline anyway lol.

Gabe