Came Out To My Sister Today

[Guest Areyan]

hi all

as you can probably tell by my happy hello, the response was more than i had hoped for and my older sister is the first person in my family i've outed myself to apart from my mother (who didn't take it so well), my partner (who is also trans) and my wonderful kids (bless their loving little souls). i was nervous and terrified telling my sister because although we are a whole decade apart in age, we have been close for most of my adult life. her response was so very important to me but i felt that it was about time i told her - after all, this was the sister who took me to my first gay bar and showed me just how cool and tolerant she is of other people. i should not have been surprised that she accepted me, but her response was so loving and supportive i just burst into tears and cried for joy for nearly an hour.

i sent her a previous message, and in my nervousness and fear i had forgotten to tell her who i was so i had to write out a far more detailed letter, explaining as much as i could. i've edited out my real name and info i didn't think was necessary to share here, though if someone wants to use my coming out letter as a template for telling a family member or friend, please go ahead. almost nothing compares to feeling this happy and i hope her acceptance sets a precedent for more members of the family in dealing with my news.

without further ado, here is the letter i sent her:

Sis, i'm sorry i have not gone about this very well.

sorry, if i haven't been very clear it's because i've been scared of a negative reaction or being ignored by you. after thinking more about this i also realized that i did not disclose who i am and perhaps you did not know that it's me. it's A***. this is my reality and i love you enough to share it with you. that last message i sent to you was very poorly written and i wrote it when i was feeling isolated and in distress at having no one to talk to but Amy* about this. i have not come out to many people and it's not easy doing this without any support.

i tried talking it over with mum and understandably she is not dealing very well with my reality, although she was perceptive enough to see it and ask me about it before i was ready to tell her (mothers are like that eh, eerie how bang-on they are with the questions too!). and i'm sure dad knows through the grapevine but i have not officially come out to everyone in the family. i would appreciate your discretion, though i understand if you have been shocked enough to tell someone else since my last message and i will get past it if you have. i just wanted to reach out to the people i care about the most online. so far the only support people i have are Amy*, my kids and other accepting people online who although are friends they are not my family.

i'm sorry if this has come as a shock to you, i'm not very good at letters like this and i'm very new to coming out. when i told you i was a lesbian before i deleted my other FB account it was because i didn't have the courage to be completely honest and i wasn't sure how that would go down with you either. not only did my counsellor get phobic on me and threaten my security as a parent (she's not my counsellor anymore, heh) but mum took it really hard when i turned to her for support and so we dun talk about it anymore. i hope eventually this will change but i'm willing to be patient for some time while she comes to grips with it. if she can't and wants to remain in denial then i'll be very sad but i have shared my truth with her - at her request, hoping it may strengthen our relationship eventually when i am much happier in my life.

i realize this is probably all a bit much to take in and if anyone knows me really well about this it's Amy*. i actually came out to her a long time before she did the same and scared the living crap out of me with her very public transition. i was not ready to accept myself at the time and i have tried very hard to talk myself out of my reality. though i am mainly happy about this and am finally able to see a positive future for myself, it's also been difficult to realize i am one of "those" people and i did quite well to hide it because i believe not many people would have known how i felt inside. i have been dealing with this for quite a long time since i came to accept who i really am (at least two years now) without disclosing my feelings to others, because i was afraid of losing everyone i care about. though i am still scared about losing people i realize i cannot keep living my life as it is for other people's comfort. i must live my own life for me and so long as the people i'm closest to can deal with it, i will be ok... and dare i say it - happy. i'm nearly ready to approach the medical community for treatment to change my physical gender and the time to start asking others for support and understanding is now.

i know it's hard for many people to understand and i respect that you may feel shocked and may need time to think about it, absorb my news and deal with the loss of who you thought i was as a gender. i have not actually changed as a person but i understand how difficult it can be to accept a person doing this, having lived through the grief of it myself. apart from mum, Amy* and the kids you are the first family member i am revealing myself to. the kids have been absolutely amazing about it and are not distressed at all at seeing me happy within myself. i am blessed to have their acceptance and unconditional love.

i hope you understand just how difficult this was for me to write and how much anguish i have been going through, believing that i have already gone about this with you the wrong way. if you have any questions, please ask. i'll do all that i can to help you understand and answer to the best of my ability. though i am no longer hiding, i'm sure you'll understand that some questions would be inappropriate and i trust that you would be mature enough to avoid asking me insensitive ones. asking me about my plans for the future and medical treatments i'm planning is fine.

anyway, i know this isn't easy news to take and i understand if you dun contact me for some time. i will understand if you find it hard to accept or believe but i have much hope you will know that i'm serious and the reason i have outed myself to you is because i really care about you and would love your support if you can find it in your heart to accept me. if you decide that you cannot do that right now, i understand. i will always be welcoming of anyone i love who needs time to deal with this, no matter how long it takes. i would be so sad though to lose you as i have not changed a lot at all (still your dorky and sometimes favourite sibling).

love,

A***

xxx

(now known as Rey or Areyan to all of my friends).

Note:

Amy* - is my girlfriend.

[Guest John Chiv]

Great letter and very happy that you got the response you wanted.

John