Safety & Going Out In Public?

[Guest AiAmAngel]

Okay, since I don't do very many of my own post I'm not sure which forum to put this in (though I'm sure the mods will take care of it)... But, today was my first time presenting as female out in public! All I have too say is wow, who knew it was so easy?

Anyways, the point of this post is:

How do you stay safe out there?

I say this because there is a HUGE difference between presenting as male and female in public! Even as someone who barely passes for a flamboyantly gay male- I felt way less safe walking around and noticing like literary men in their cars circling around and doing double takes? I was walking to my local CVS and as I was crossing the street- this random old dude even hit on me, asking if I was on my way to the QT station & needed a ride, I guess. I know I should feel flattered, but I was trying *not* to draw attention to myself! I even wore a big old baggy hooded jacket while I was walking... in 90 something degree whether! But... I was still very pretty.

Needless to say, the five POUNDS of foundation I put on (I was nervous...) was literally melting off by the time I got into the store. Once inside, the woman there even greeted me (something else that again, NEVER happens when I present as male). Even though I looked like a bewildered rape victim, guys were STILL checking me out! At CVS nonetheless?! One guy as I changed aisles

clearly and repeatedly gave me the once over, and not with any dirty scowls- in this unnervingly pervy way. Despite the self esteem boost, I didn't even want to leave the store till I knew he was gone O_O...

Okay, so my point is- even though I probably looked crazy as hell (I could tell the clerk might have been concerned with how sweaty I was after such a long walk) guys were still clearly finding me attractive... and I don't like it xD

What do you do to stay safe (and you know... not abducted and locked in a trucking vehicle for 3 months) when you go out? Especially if you don't pass!

*Note, even though it was scary as heck- It went great! I looked fabulous even with melting foundation and bangs coming lose in my face I'm only disappointed with the fact that I can't post a picture of what I looked like (...I really did look good, y'all)! The safety thing might be unique to me, because in real life I am NOT very tall and you couldn't see very much muscle So, don't knock what ya' got

-Good Luck

[Guest Opal]

I am sure others will want to post on this issue of safety. It sounds like you are passing much better than you thought you would, and yes, safety is of great concern.

Please consider taking a self-defense course. Also, if at all possible, do not go out alone unless necessary.

If you sense danger, try to stay in a well-lit public place and be ready to run. Be aware of your surroundings. Some college websites have good suggestions for personal safety.

Hope I am not too discouraging, just want you to be able to enjoy your life for a long, long time to come.

Huggs,

Opal

[Guest Ann Onymous]

How do you stay safe? Best solution is by using common sense and being aware of the surroundings.

I learned the hard way in Vegas that even people I *knew* and had played poker with in other cities were not safe when it came to a quick walk up to their room (I supplement my income from the day job by playing NLHE to include tournament circuit events). To this day, I never believed that the person in question would have tried to take advantage of me in the manner he did...I felt fortunate that I was able to get out of the room.

Other than that, I take care to ensure that I don't project any images of vulnerability...

So many years have passed since I transitioned though that I simply don't recall having had to take any special steps for personal safety even though I was in a small hick town at the time and had been the subject of an article in the local paper (I had taken steps to ensure I had some measure of editorial control and there were no photos used nor did my last name appear in the article).

[Guest Miss_Construe]

Angel,

One thing that seems to help is having an aura of confidence. Most people will leave you alone if they think you can take care of yourself. I imagine the "bewildered rape victim" persona is drawing attention. I would just dress how you feel comfortable and rock it.

Also, self defence is a WONDERFUL skill to know and use. I am 'fortunate' to be tall and large, combined with more than a little self defence training I typically don't get approached by a lot of people. Okay, that actually isn't true, but people tend to be more respectful than the old guy you described. There are a number of men out there who, though they have stared for more than a minute, couldn't tell you the color of my eyes.

Tae Kwon Do tends to be good for self defence. Also, if you feel unsafe, strength in numbers. I know I feel much more relaxed going into situations either with friends in tow or where I have a personal relationship with the people already there (and I know they are going to be there). Also, it gives you someone to interact with as your true self, which helps me become Amy more easily when my nerves are riding high.

The safety thing is not a concern to only you. When I'm out alone I definitely have that in the back of my mind. Even driving I notice a considerable difference in how aggressive people tend to be towards me.

Hope that is of use,

<3

Amy

[Guest SummerDay]

If the very good advice from the others fails to work you may need to fall back on one of the more obscure and highly prized secrets of martial arts masters.

I've learned three martial arts, shot guns, and climbed mountains, and enjoy studying strategy in all it forms from classic treatise to the opening of a flower. After years of intense practice and contemplation, pouring over arcane hand written dusty scrolls and seeking gurus in the highest and lowest places I've finally discovered the martial arts silver bullet. A guaranteed never miss move. The ultimate one stroke kill:

Learn to run fast (or go shopping with a fat friend).

[Guest AiAmAngel]

Thanks for the input, I'll address everything one by one

-YES, I passed a lot better than I thought I would! I expected people to stop their cars to throw beer cans at me, not offer me "rides" to the QT. I'm not sure which one has me more freaked, now, though.. I mean I get I "looked" 23 but he was like... 40?

-That sounds like the reality of it. I try to put it to good use presenting as a boy (gay and majorly feminine, but still). Somehow, that all flew out the door in the flurry of excitement. Next time I'll just take a cab, if I can afford it... Since I'm probably going to project images of vulnerability (not ideally or anything, but as a reality), I'll try and frequent more female exclusive places.

-And yeah, don't knock a blessing. While I'm plenty grateful for my current height, when this guy came into the store giving me the once over two aisles down I would've killed to be a few inches taller for a few minutes.

-Oh wow, I had to give *that* the once over before I caught on to the satirical aspect Pretty funny But, no one is ever even going to consider teaching *me* martial arts. Unfortunately, I skipped gym. And, I am the fat chick... (well on the inside).

Also, a major DON'T for anyone going out in public for the first time:

Don't wear too much foundation! Not because it looks bad... in fact, if you feel like it- load on the powder. But the liquid foundation was running down my face the entire walk. That's probably why the clerk was a little alarmed by my appearance. Either that or she recognized me, because they were all talking when I left (even though they weren't even looking at me in the least so who knows).

And be conscious of facial hair. Its a big no no, and any "shadow" will be very visible even under makeup.

[Guest Ariel Mai]

As Miss Contrue said have an aura of confidence. My friend Liz, she is tiny like in height wise , but anyhows she is built as can be from gymnastics, she is super pretty and somehow still manages to have a C chest, but anyways so many guys hit on her when she is single because she is super pretty. She dresses how she wants, which is more on the showy side(skin showing side= more cleavage) But no guy would ever lay a finger on her without permission because everyone knows that if they do one thing wrong she can beat them up. Haha she is scary when it comes to that. Also having a temper helps apparently in her case, someone called her a bad name and her whole body turned red and my friend had to hold her back, and that kid never messed with her again.

Then there are little things that you can think of,:

-Carry your car keys in your hand when walking to your car/ from your car until your either at your car, or the place you need to be. -Keeping some kind of spray in your purse can be a life saver whether it is perfume or anything that you could possibly spray into there eyes, and keep em stalled for a bit.

-Stick with a friend.

-Then there is always the cheap shot and run.

Its just being careful and having the ability to think through things while scared. You can take self defense classes to learn on what to do when being attacked (which I recomend), but personally I find having just regular female items with you can keep you safe. So that is all I can think of on the top of my head. OPh and if you are wearing high heels and someone is chasing after you... take the heels off you will move faster and now you have a weapon.

Lots of Love,

Ariel

[Guest Krisina]

Know your surroundings. Don't go out at night by yourself. Go to places with lots of people. Carry mace. Learn about how to hold keys between your fingers as a weapon. Now that you have the typical female self defense stuff out of the way enjoy your freedom being yourself being your true self. Realize you will be looked at whether as a person being read or as a beautiful passing woman. Be yourself be proud confident and live the life you were meant to live :-)

Krisina

[Guest SummerDay]

-Oh wow, I had to give *that* the once over before I caught on to the satirical aspect Pretty funny But, no one is ever even going to consider teaching *me* martial arts. Unfortunately, I skipped gym. And, I am the fat chick... (well on the inside).

You're right that I was messing around but it's mostly true.

There's lots of good generic advice in this topic. Confidence, awareness, don't get into stupid situations, and knowing your way out are good. Mobile phones and tools are useful to a point but if an aggressive situation happens they can be worse than useless. Your most lethal weapon is your mind.

Miss Construe's recommendation of Tae Kwon Do is good although a bit leg heavy for me. Ju Jitsu and Wing Chun are also good. My favourite is Wing Chun which was, indecently, an art created by a girl. It's very much a get the job done art and doesn't involve a lot of showy dancing around. It's the only art where you can have a no holds barred fight blindfold in a telephone booth. Akido isn't a favourite of mine but some people like the philosophy and it can work well. Ignore karate and similar styles because they're dependent on upper body strength which isn't very useful in a girl.

Study classic texts on war and strategy. Like art the great masters of their craft are as relevant today as they have always been. Follow in their footsteps because they've done all the hard work for you. Understanding comes when it's ready.

Cultivate reading, drawing, and painting. Be curious. Embrace the world. Consider no matter to great or too small for you. Do not cling to anything so tightly you can't throw it away. Learn to dance. Play music. These and more are all the ways of the strategist and contain the wisdom of the Gods. Best of all most of them are free or cheap.

When you have the world covering your back nothing can defeat you.

Now go and pray to your Gods or hug your friends and glory in being alive and being able to experience these things.

[Guest Colm]

I'll just comment on the martial arts for personal safety bit -

While those classes are great for physical fitness, all of the officers running the training seminars I did with the university public safety said that if you're ever mugged, the first thing you should do (after screaming for help) is forget about whatever martial arts you learned. The basic point was that kind of thing can get you killed - your bag is replaceable but you're not.

Going places with friends is good too if you're going into areas where you'd worry about your safety. I did some Googling for women's personal safety, and found this page, which seems to have some good suggestions for you: http://powertochange.com/life/personalsafetytips/

[JJ]

One little suggestion here. I absolutely agree with all the safety issues and aspects mentioned but that was a lot of attention for such a short outing. No doubt you are passing. But do you have a natal woman friend or acquaintance who can go with you next time or even come over and critique you?

Because in our fears of not passing and of not being enough in our true gender I think we sometimes go overboard and send messages we don't realize and don't intend. It can lead to trouble, real trouble in a hurry.

I was often compared to a famous movie star when I was young. Was 36-21-34, kept fit and my face was better than my body. I did get unwanted attention but not at that level. An attractive woman must learn to project a certain attitude that says "Thank you for the admiration but keep your distance". It is a matter of safety and comfort in moving around the world. You sound like a very attractive woman and that will be an invaluable thing to learn. If you don't have a friend who can do it then go to the mall or somewhere and watch for awhile. Study the way an attractive woman walks and carries her head and does, or mostly doesn't, make eye contact etc.

I am glad you had the affirmation of all that attention and glad it didn't lead to anything negative.

Hugs

Johnny

[Guest SummerDay]

Because in our fears of not passing and of not being enough in our true gender I think we sometimes go overboard and send messages we don't realize and don't intend. It can lead to trouble, real trouble in a hurry. ... An attractive woman must learn to project a certain attitude that says "Thank you for the admiration but keep your distance".

As this topic has rumbled on people have talked of physical defence and on down to presentation. That's all very good and getting deeper and deeper towards the inner core. The way we perceive ourselves, and real and imagined threats is the root of how we act and and how the world acts back.

Self-confidence not arrogance, approachability not vulnerability, not looking for trouble where there is none, and responding not reacting are all good techniques to practice. This can even be practised from the safety of your keyboard at home or in the office. It sounds trivial but may be the hardest thing you've ever done.

At this point we have arrived at a place of calm. All the stupid ideas and damage we've accumulated over the years can be ignored and the new self allowed to grow. This is the subtle difference. Instead of imposing idiocy on idiocy and creating an even bigger pile of idiocy we're able to grow a newer healthier mind: more insightful, flexible, aware, assured, content, patient, and so forth.

Here we go full circle as you understand how the mind influences action.

It's a bit of a cliché but a master cannot teach these things.

This approach works on all levels as well. You American's have a saying: "never fight city hall". I've done that and come out the other side like a train wreck. The same is true of empires with their hordes of fighting men and big shiny scary toys.

So work from the inside out. Influence your family and friends. Your family and friends influence your neighbourhood. Your neighbourhood influences your city. You city influences your nation. Your nation influences the world. Who knows, the next time you step outside the world may be an interesting and friendly place and you can keep the shuriken and pepper spray in the handbag as it's unnecessary. Gosh, wow. There's a thought.

[Guest AiAmAngel]

Thanks for all the advice Haha, I wish everyone wouldn't jump to fighting- I just wish guys didn't look at me at all, quite frankly (I mean its *not* like Keri Hilson walked in...). In any case, I'll learn to... use my car keys to hurt people? I mean, all stereotypes aside, I truly am a wimpy girl so we'll see. I'll try making & taking friends who don't know I'm trans at all (I'd rather *not* have a bunch of other like-minded, catty teenager girls tell me my nose is too big).

-Thanks & Good Luck!

[Guest SummerDay]

Thanks for all the advice Haha, I wish everyone wouldn't jump to fighting- I just wish guys didn't look at me at all, quite frankly (I mean its *not* like Keri Hilson walked in...). In any case, I'll learn to... use my car keys to hurt people? I mean, all stereotypes aside, I truly am a wimpy girl so we'll see. I'll try making & taking friends who don't know I'm trans at all (I'd rather *not* have a bunch of other like-minded, catty teenager girls tell me my nose is too big).

People can leap at cliché and fear which is understandable when you consider how programmed we are and how many misfortunes happen. Pretty much everyone saw through that quick enough and there were a lot of useful and level comments.

Some young girl in the UK who was teased about having a big nose (it wasn't) parted from her friends and was abused before being murdered recently. The consolation is the ape who did that was caught. Your wanting to choose good friends is very wise.

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

Don't wear too much foundation!

Honey, there's no such thing as too much foundation.

Actually, the better lesson here is: don't engage in too much physical activity while wearing makeup. Sweating is not fun. It's not fun at all with makeup on and having to constantly dab your forehead to get that sweat off. (never wipe!) When in doubt, stick to places that supply plenty of air conditioning: house, car, businesses or keep a fan handy, either electrical or something where you can fan yourself.

[Guest AiAmAngel]

Honey, there's no such thing as too much foundation.

You have a point!

[Guest AlexForever]

Welcome to the joys of womanhood

Seriously though, all this is probably really scary for someone who isn't used to it (it still IS scary for many ciswomen who have been through all this for their whole life).

The thing is...if you are a woman, men will notice you, especially if they find you sexually attractive.

Not all men are rapists and not all men will take advantage of women...but sometimes you really can't be sure even when you think you know someone, so often you will have to assume the worst about them to be safer.

Also, not all rapists/molesters/ill-intentioned persons are male, unfortunately, so don't underestimate other women, and don't think that all genderqueer/intersex people are always good people.

ALWAYS be firm, know how to say NO when needed and don't let anyone push you into something you don't want.

Also, sometimes you will seem rude if you refuse to trust someone, but it's better to be considered rude than to risk if you feel threatened/uneasy.

This is an awesome book I read about safety for girls: http://www.amazon.it/Sussed-Streetwise-Jane-Goldman/dp/0140380124

It was given to me as a gift, can't remember when.

It's not only useful for girls, also, so I would also recommend it to males and genderqueers, because several advices are valid for many situations and it's also a good way to see how to NOT look threatening for guys.