Another Battle -And A Victory

[JJ]

For the past several weeks there has been an epic battle going on for me.

While I have no doubt that I am a man and am and always have been Johnny I was caught in a struggle to see this body as anything but female. To see it as me. Mine. I did when I first started to transition but slowly that eroded away as the past, so many, many years of conditioning re-surged and fought back. I felt like a man's mind trapped inside a woman's body that would never really be anything but that. And I just couldn't really connect to it fully. I'd look and see a woman's feet or hands or arms. Instead of just seeing them as mine. Almost alien and yet too familiar.

It is hard to describe but it is something vital for me at the same time. I need to feel like me. Me with some flaws that need to be addressed but still me. Really me. This didn't lessen my determination -but it robbed me of the underlying joy in my rebirth and my emergence from that gender prison where I spent my life. I decided I just had to hang on and keep going-the past, the old habits of thought would eventually wear away if I kept reaching for what I want and need.

And it has. For now. For today. I can't describe it exactly except that I know I have won. I am back and mess though this body is compared to what I want, it is mine. Whether this is a victory or a truce I don't know yet. Right now it doesn't matter. For today I am no longer at war with myself. Those hands are mine, those feet are mine and if they are mine then they are a man's. Even the bits I want to lose. My body does not and will not define me. I will not be it's prisoner.

I feel like I am standing in the rainbow after a storm. I know there will be other storms and more struggles but I will leave them to their day and time.

Right now I am happy and I am at peace.

The storms do pass if you just keep on.

Johnny

[Guest JaniceW]

JJ,

You have fought this battle and won it. Revel in the victory! Each battle won brings you closer to winning the war.

[Guest Michaele]

We have met the enemy and he (of she) is us. you fought the good fight and you won, victory is yours. Johnny you are a man to be reckoned with.

[Guest Shari]

I am so happy for you Johnny, that you're finding your peace.

You're a good man, and if you say those are your hands, then they must be good hands.

Hugs,

Shari

[Carolyn Marie]

Johnny, I am delighted for you. I revel in your success and your happiness, and hope that this victory will be a lasting one.

It is never a completely smooth journey for any of us. We struggle, and every setback seems like utter failure. But it never is. You will have other setbacks over time, you are realistic enough to know that. But now you know you can prevail, too.

That knowledge will give you the strength and endurance to see the journey through.

Your hands and feet are as manly as they need to be, Johnny. I've always had small hands and feet. No one ever questioned my manhood (although perhaps they should have ).

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest John Chiv]

Johnny,

Glad you are at peace and that you won this battle.

John

[Guest 91curiouskitten]

I dont think theres any RIGHT way to say this, so....kick your butt! ^^"

[Guest Michaele]

you know what Johnny,

I should have re-read this post before I started ranting and whining.

We work with what we are given and the results are the best we can get with what we have.

We then need to find peace in our minds that we gave it the best shot.

I think finding peace between what our brain says we should look like and the reality of how we look is the key to sucessful transition.

My t girl is late 20's, unfortunately she inhabits a 60+ body and she has to come to accept it, when this happens, I will no longer need a GT and we will have become one mind, one body.

BTW if you re-read your own posts to the rest of us Johnny, you'll find a lot of good advice for yourself.

Big Hugs

Shelley

[JJ]

If you think I give advise here you should hear what I say to myself. Nonstop nagging sometimes.

I'm not sure I expressed what I was feeling and battling very well. It is that old identity as a woman that I had to fight-that separation between mind and body. The old way was so much safer and I at least knew all the rules even if I could never master them. Of course I can't actually go back. I have grown beyond it, but somehow the old way of looking at myself just wouldn't go away for awhile.

Things still aren't all sunshine and blue skies right now-funny that we deal with one thing only to discover the next waiting for us-but I am much, much more comfortable in my own skin than I have been lately. And most of what I am facing right now is physical and financial more than trans related.

I am as I am. And while I have my eye on where I want to go I am determined to also be in the moment as myself and enjoy what each day has to offer. It would be a tragedy for me to miss out on more living, more being myself, because I was living for some future time when things are better. There will always be challenges. That day may be long delayed. No-I want to live for today too, To learn the wisdom of accepting what cannot be changed today and finding ways to enjoy all that I do have as myself. Regardless of my body.

Thank you everyone for all the encouragement and support!

Love you all

Johnny