I Came Out To My Parents And Now We Don't Speak About It. What Do I Do Now?

[Guest AndyBCM]

So I came out to my parents couple of months ago as pansexual and trans (FtM) and now we don't speak about it at all. Its like coming out never happened. I live in Dublin during the week and go home to the west of Ireland most weekends and when I’m in Dublin I live 24/7 as a man and have been since January but when I go home I unpack my old clothes and even wear a bra which kills me to do but I've never binded in front of my parents before.

When I initially came out to my parents they didn't care and were supportive. My dad was like ‘I always thought you were gay anyway’. However my mam was upset and didn't really understand but she was supportive. They were just worried about how this would impact on my life as in bigots and whatnot.

I guess its partly my fault that we never really talk about it. Like I go to a trans support group every Wednesday and they do ask if I went or how did it go. All I do is the teenage thing of mumbling ‘fine’. But none of us even refer to anything lgbt related, we just call it ‘group’ or ‘the thing’ or something. Also when I came out I didn’t tell them every detail like they don’t know I’m living as male in Dublin or even what my new name is. Heck my universities register has my new name on it. They don’t know I crossdress. They don’t know I’m pursuing getting hormone treatment. All they know is that I’m discussing gender issues with a therapist they’re paying for. They don’t know how serious what I feel is.

I’m asking this question because I want to be more open about all this to my parents. I don’t want to have to live two lives anymore. Like its getting worse like every time I get called she or a girl or whatever at home I feel like balling my eyes out. I guess that might have something to do with the fact I’m living as male full time in Dublin though and when I go home its like being a square one again.

Its just really difficult to start a conversation with them like I have to be alone with them because they don’t want my brothers to know. My mam works a lot and when she’s not workings she’s sleeping. And at the end of the day I find it difficult talk about it as if I’m embarrassed about it or something. And my family never talk about anything anyway. We’re very traditionally Irish in that sense like we don’t hug or say I love you or anything.

Any ideas on what I should do? How to start a conversation about this?

I’ve been thinking about the letter technique but that just seems a little impersonal but then on the flip side my therapist said to tell them I want to talk to them about something and organise a time when we can all sit down and talk about it. But that seems too formal.

I really need to talk to them about this. At the end of the day they’re my parents and I’m still only 19 so they have a right to know. I want to change my gender therapist too so I really need to talk about everything.

So any incite into any of this?

God coming out once was hard enough lol

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Opinion only, and I think this is universal enough that a MTF can offer some idea.

I think you, yourself are causing much of this. I mean you 'came out' - then what? (You know they were watching and wondering) You ease up on presenting as what you want them to see you as.

Tell them again, introduce them to the real YOU. Be yourself around them, including the usual binding you suggested that you use.

THEN - it will stop being a non-issue. Drastic action, maybe, but an honest response will come from both sides. You may be surprised at the amount of acceptance.

Is this workable?

Lizzy

[Guest AndyBCM]

Opinion only, and I think this is universal enough that a MTF can offer some idea.

I think you, yourself are causing much of this. I mean you 'came out' - then what? (You know they were watching and wondering) You ease up on presenting as what you want them to see you as.

Tell them again, introduce them to the real YOU. Be yourself around them, including the usual binding you suggested that you use.

THEN - it will stop being a non-issue. Drastic action, maybe, but an honest response will come from both sides. You may be surprised at the amount of acceptance.

Is this workable?

Lizzy

Yeah your right I know a lot of this is to do with me. I just can't seem to be able to even start a conversation about. The idea of introducing them to the real me is interesting though. However i don't know if i'm brave enough to do such a thing. Maybe i could tell them I'm going to dress as my true gender from now on and then from the next day on dress how i want and ease them into it instead of walking into the sitting room dramatically fully dressed as male and announcing to them I'm Andy, i'm a boy, deal with.

[Guest Aly Kat]

I think it's just an extended awkward silence. They're probably just as frustrated by the lack of communication as you are.

Something I've learned is that we shouldn't straddle the line between "I'm the same person" and "I have gender issues." It's really hard to talk your way into being treated differently, so yeah... what Lizzy said: do what makes you comfortable with your presentation and if they question you about it just be honest and tell them it eases your dysphoria.

I read my mom's lack of questions/change as non-acceptance, but once I presented as myself to her it became clear that I was in fact her daughter and not the son she had previously seen. I know it's REALLY scary... but the "OMG!?? What's gonna happen if I present as myself???!?" only lasts for the first second that they see you.

Just go as a guy and say, "I felt like dressing more masculine because it makes me feel better about myself." Can't really argue with that

[Guest Colm]

I think your therapist's suggestion is a good one - write them a letter that says that you'd like to discuss this more with them and share more with them about what's going on re: this topic in your life. Then you have a discussion with them where you make it clear to them that you're serious, tell them about whatever you feel comfortable sharing about your life as it is in Dublin, and then offer them some resources to deal with this. I think also that if this is going to work, you need to stay completely calm and answer their questions (no matter how awful, inappropriate, or seemingly off-topic) in a completely matter-of-fact manner. You're still dependent on them financially, so you need this to work.

It's not that you want their approval as much as you want them to be involved in your life as it really is, and not feel like you're misleading them, right? (Don't say that to them, just keep it in mind, if I'm right).

Another thing - they may not want your brothers to know, but if you start hormones and keep going home, then they're going to notice eventually. It really might be better to have everyone on the same page.

[Guest AndyBCM]

I think it's just an extended awkward silence. They're probably just as frustrated by the lack of communication as you are.

Something I've learned is that we shouldn't straddle the line between "I'm the same person" and "I have gender issues." It's really hard to talk your way into being treated differently, so yeah... what Lizzy said: do what makes you comfortable with your presentation and if they question you about it just be honest and tell them it eases your dysphoria.

I read my mom's lack of questions/change as non-acceptance, but once I presented as myself to her it became clear that I was in fact her daughter and not the son she had previously seen. I know it's REALLY scary... but the "OMG!?? What's gonna happen if I present as myself???!?" only lasts for the first second that they see you.

Just go as a guy and say, "I felt like dressing more masculine because it makes me feel better about myself." Can't really argue with that

Yeah I totally agree with "extended awkward silence". Thats exactly what it is. I'm definitely going to take your telling them it eases my dysphoria idea on board. Its much better then saying I'm a boy now leave me alone or whatever. it'll help them to understand everything better. Because at the end of the day I've been dealing with this for years and its all new to them. this is completely out of there comfort zone like they didn't even know what pansexual was until i told them.

[Guest AndyBCM]

I think your therapist's suggestion is a good one - write them a letter that says that you'd like to discuss this more with them and share more with them about what's going on re: this topic in your life. Then you have a discussion with them where you make it clear to them that you're serious, tell them about whatever you feel comfortable sharing about your life as it is in Dublin, and then offer them some resources to deal with this. I think also that if this is going to work, you need to stay completely calm and answer their questions (no matter how awful, inappropriate, or seemingly off-topic) in a completely matter-of-fact manner. You're still dependent on them financially, so you need this to work.

It's not that you want their approval as much as you want them to be involved in your life as it really is, and not feel like you're misleading them, right? (Don't say that to them, just keep it in mind, if I'm right).

Another thing - they may not want your brothers to know, but if you start hormones and keep going home, then they're going to notice eventually. It really might be better to have everyone on the same page.

I guess her suggestion is what i need to do. I need to tell them I need to talk and get it over with. I'm really pushing it like I should have done it weeks ago. And thats exactly it, I want them to be involved in my real life. I don't like keeping things from them as well as my own frustration of not being able to be myself.

My brothers on the other hand I hadn't really thought about them much in all of this. apart from the fact I'm taking away my mothers only daughter by living as the person i am. Its hard because technically I was the only girl in my family like all my cousins were male too so my mam was so excited to have a little girl. Such a big deal was always made about it like when I made my communion or whatever. So i'm guilty about that along with things like not wanting to give birth and taking away shopping for a wedding dress. Anyway When it comes to my brothers pacifically themselves its difficult because one is only 13 and still in school and i don't know what to share with him or what he'll understand. and he's just started secondary school and i'm worried about his friends and how they'll treat him when they find out his sisters a crossdresser. like i come from a small rural town so every last person is going to know. Then my other brothers 18 and i was going to tell him but then when i cut my hair short a long time ago he teased me about looking like a lesbian. so i chickened out. At the end of the day i was just respecting my parents wishes but they are my brothers and they have a right to know. I'll figure out how and when to tell them eventually. I'm sure they'll be glad to know where there clothes and things have been diapering to over the years lol