I'm Scared.

[Guest ZoeScott]

I am 38 years old. I have had thought of transitioning MtoF since before I discovered I liked wearing my sisters underwear rather then my own. Upon being caught, my derrierre was hauled off to the psychologist, to fix me, I guess. That experience scared the hell out of me. It made me suppress my urges until high school. I still stole my sisters underwear and wore it to school and everywhere else, I was just extremely careful. When I was able to drive, I stopped stealing the panties, and was able to purchase my own. It was really great when I discovered thongs because no panty lines lowered my risk of being discovered. The other result to my Psych visits was that it made me extremely untrusting of them, basically I think they are full of bs, and only got into the field so they can self diagnose. My fascination with wearing women's underwear has never been sexual, although I have masturbated wearing them. It always has been about making me feel more feminine. I even have a female name for my female side, Zoe. I am not attracted to men, but I am not unattracted to them either. I thought I might be gay, but I found out that I am not. Penises really turn me off, mine included. But I have only done it with a guy twice. I prefer women companions, I prefeer their company, and I prefer making love to them. I don't know if this is odd or not, but whenever I make love to a woman, I feel like I am the woman being made love to. I don't know what all this means, and I am to the point that I know I have to go talk to someone about it. I have always felt like I should have been a woman. I am really interested in starting a hormone regimin. I have, after many hours searching the web, found a department of JHU medical school at Hopkins hospital, I have their phone number. But, I am scared of what they are going me. Will they try to talk me out of it? Will they tell me I am not suitable for transition? Or are they going to tell me that I am some sexual deviant who likes to wear womens underwear? Could some of you please respond with your experiances and your fears before you made that phone call to make an appointment. It would really help me.

Thanks,

Zoe.

[Guest Evan_J]

Wow, somebody who finally has all the worrying thoughts I had before that phone call.

It was a HUGE phone call for me. God knows I waited long enough to make it Years. Primarity because, like you, my first contact with anyone professional was ruined by a parent who felt I was "sick" because I came out to them as trans And although the folks at the time told me "nothing was wrong with me", it still left a scar that brings incredible fear regarding any kind of relationship with a mental health professional So yeah, I feel you.

You're 38? I'm 40 And I had my bad experience many moons ago, probably very much like you. My phone call got made last week. I think I spent a couple days before convincing myself I wasn't going to find one just so I would have an excuse not to do it. And then I finally got him on the phone.... What the heck was I suppose to say?!!

But, it worked out It really, honestly did. And he was cool -Even better, he was trans himself I haven't met him yet tho, but from what I understand I will before my appt even! He belongs to the same support group I just joined

Take a breath, relax, you never know, it may turn out better than you thought.

[Guest ZoeScott]

Thanks, Evan. That makes me feel a lot better.

But...I was hoping to get more responses. So please Help

Post some responses. I need to know I am not a freak.

[Guest Laurah]

I have the same questions and I am very scared.

[Guest Evan_J]

Amazed there were no more posts. But since you express similar feelings laurah and looks as if you are new here (Hola and welcome) I can add on how it went for me in that first appt.

I imagined or wondered all the same things Zoe mentioned; 'what will they do/say', 'will they try to convince me this or that', and will someone say sorry you are not a good candidate". None of those things happened. The entire first meeting was answering questions read to me from a huge packet by the therapist. Answers like "yes", "no", "they were divorced", "my grandparents" -not long indepth novel answers. The thing was long enough that we ran out of time and still doing that turned into half of the second one Over all gender therapy has been an awesome experience. I like it and my therapist. I admit to being profoundly lucky in that my therapist is an ftm so I feel like I'm getting "been there got the scars" advice. In a wierd way (cuz I'm friends with some of his other ftm patients) it sort of feels like he's a paternal-trans image. Like instead of bein "The Godfather" he'd be "the transfather" LOL. Mostly what he does is guide us. "If you do this then that", "Don't do such and such cuz it will blow up", "Make sure you do blah blah cuz this that or the other."

I hope you find a good therapist that you like and that it works out for you and fits whatever it is you need it to be.

[Guest Isobelle Fox]

Hey Zoe,

I almost never make it down to this part of the forums for some reason, but I saw this tonight and thought I would reply.

I think you should definitely make your call. I know its scary. When I first saw a therapist, he had no experience with gender variance. He was just the only person I could find, and I needed help pretty badly. Talking to him was a lot scarier than I thought it would be, even though I was ready. It was just kind of simultaneously a relief and a scary experience to be saying those things. Judgement is always a concern, I think. We worry that people will think we are "crazy" or something.

But this "condition" is actually just a normal way that people can be. Its rare, but its just another way that people are born. The "issues" that come with it have to do with the way society handles the idea of gender and tends to want everything to fit into simple stereotypes. If you find someone that understands gender issues, I think you will discover that it is not their job to judge or criticize you, but instead to help you find a way to be comfortable and happy with who you are. They'll probably help you to know and understand things about yourself that even you dont know. Thats the point, actually ::laughs::

I'm on my second therapist now, and this time he specialises in gender issues. Its still scary. But its helping and its worth it.

Make the call, then come and tell us how it goes, huh?

[Guest Elizabeth K]

People - I just made my first session - I am age 61. To tell the truth, I was petrified! But I made the call and it was a life changing experience.

I found that the psycologist read right through my short simple story and said I was a probablle transsexual. When I researched that I found it was not an opinion but a classification, the next step being a classic transsexual. I thought I was probably a transsexual but might also be simply a cross dresser.

What was my reaction? I am still grinning ear to ear! A transsexual, why isn't that terrifying? Because I finally had a professionally evaluated answer. Transsexuals have options and choices - I finally had some direction in my life.

And I am the way I am because I am supposed to be the way I am... if that makes any sense.

How do you find a qualified therapist? It is not that easy, but here are some pointers my very best friend and college room mate told me. She is post op - I hadn't heard from her in 35 years - but she called me out of the blue - talk about God's will, fate or whatever.

Anyway - look for a Gender Studies or Transgender Support or Social group in your area. Use google or whatever - try the seaches anyway you can think of until you get results. These groups usually have a listing of gender-savy therapists in the area. I am not anti-psychiatry. but most transgender people suggest finding a psychologist who is well qualified to speak with gender challenged people. It makes sense to not have some beginner learning the ropes on your nickle.

Secondly. psychologists tend toward action and solution rather than long- continuing therapy. A psychiatrist will possibly try to work you through a solution or compromise over a long period of time.

Be totally honest with your therapist - do not try to color or slant your remarks because you heard somewhere there were keywords a therapist wants to hear - don't try to falsify or make up incidents - they are able to see right through you.

Don't be afraid of cliche's - they need to hear how you really feel - and if you hesitate to say something because you have heard it a hundred times, say it anyway, and even though they may have heard it a thousand times, they need to hear how you really feel.

Finally - make certain you understand a therapist is also a councellor, there as a guide - but you have to make the decisions. You must be true to yourself.

If you are like most every gender confused person I have known, at first you may not be able to see a clear path to what was, what is, and what will be. This confusion is probably the biggist hurdle you will face and will determine how many sessions you will have to work through - they are not cheap.

So sit down and write your life story including the feelings you have had throughout the years. This will help you give a better organized presentation of your history, when you are in session. Also, you will find writing down one event tends to lead to remembering another. Events and feelings you have forgotten or supressed may suddenly find their way into your memory again. EVERYTHING is important to a therapist - but they will remember an organized presentaion best.

Find that therapist, make the call, change your life!

[Guest Amanda L Richards]

Hello Zoe,

You are not a feak!!

You are a unique person with your "own" characteristics in every aspect of your life, this is what makes you uniquely "you".

You are a beautiful human being and you deserve love and respect. No one has any right telling you that your are not right and that you need to fix a problem.

You are who you are.

With us you will never feel the need to fear.

I hope your stay here is a long one and wonderful.

Amanda L

[Guest Karen-1954]

When I started, many of those same questions, fears and uncertanties were present for me. All I can say is take it one day at a time, listen to your therapist as they help you figure out more about yourself. It will take time for you to figure out just who you are once you quit listening to who society thinks you should be and who you really are. Many of us have similar experiences but we are all individuals. Your therapist, if they are good, will not tell you who you are but help you figure it out. This proccess will take a lot of inward reflection but you will soon start seeing who you really are. Good luck and remember, we are all here to help.

Hugs,

Karen

[Sally]

Hey Zoe,

I'm sorry that it took me so long to get to this post, because the fears are so much like mine. Look for a therapist that specializes in Gender Identity Disorders (the name it has been given), they have studied your particular condition - never think of it as a problem, that makes it seem negative. A friend of mine who has transitioned years ago refers to us as 'Gender Gifted' because we tend to gain a better understanding of both genders (that's her thought and it makes me feel good about myself).

In my experience a gender therapist will not try to tell you what to do, either start hormones right now or don't transition - they will help you to find yourself and tolearn how far along the path your journey will take you. They don't test you as much as they just talk and help you find your level of comfort.

I was terrified and I started everything over E-mails from my female account. I was almost too afraid to show up for the first appointment and when I did drive to the next city (I was overly cautious) I had left her suite number at home. I was in male mode (I still had my mustache of some 35 years) and wondering around the lobby looking for a directory - I didn't want to ask anyone where her office was because she is known as a gender therapist and it would be outing myself. I saw a woman talking on a cell phone out in the courtyard as I stepped through the doorway she put her hand over the phone and asked me if she could help, so I asked her where that office was and she raised one finger in the air towards me and talked into the phone telling them that she would call back and hung up. She walked over to me and said, "You must be Sally."

We walked into her office and I have never been so comfortable talking to any one in my life and about things that up until then I wanted to keep secret from ME!

The fear in anticipation of an event is almost always worse than the event. Relax and hunt for a suitable therapist. You can usually find recomendations to gender therapist on the referal pages of most SRS surgeons. Dr' Bowers in Trinidad, CO has a page listing them by state (just the ones that have contacted her - that's where I found mine) and Dr. McGinn in Doylestown, PA will send you some suggestions if you E-mail her. I don't know about the other Doctors around the US, but I am pretty sure that most if not all will be glad to help you to find the help that you need.

Love ya,

Sally

[Sally]

Hey Zoe,

I forgot to tell you why I had checked with those two Doctors in particular - they are both Trans themselves!

My friend who had her SRS 4 years ago (about 3 major tweeks in the proceedure back) with Dr. Bowers went to her first appointment with a gynocologist and told her that she was a post op transsexual and the response was, "That is great work, it could have fooled me!"

Guess who is at the top of my very short list.

Just had a Senior Moment - I'm having a lot of them these days.

Sally