R L T "awkward Phase"?

[Guest Nick A]

After reading some of the posts here, I'm curious about this RLT and how one handles the "awkward phase" of either not yet passing (for whatever reason) and/or of having to revert to your pre-target gender (your birth sex) in certain situations.

Any advice on handling those times when you hope to pass, but people read you?

And, also,

Any thoughts on going full-time, but then having to revert back to your birth sex...when does that end? I know each situation is different, and we all have our reasons, but I'd like to hear any thoughts on that.

Thanks.

[JJ]

Nick, right now I'm in that awkward stage. And I keep reminding myself that I am making a huge change in my body which takes time. I have also noticed that my body language and reactions are slowly changing as well. So while I wish I could wake up natal male tomorrow I suspect I would have been lost if I had been able to do that a month or two ago.

I just keep on being me and know this is something I have to get through. That it is a temporary stage but it also gives people who see me regularly and interact with me time to adjust to what they are seeing. Another necessary thing if we are to transition smoothly. My body does not determine my gender-and sometimes I have to keep reminding myself of that. So I try to focus on the things about me that feel most male and forgive those people who get my gender wrong-it will be different some day and I just keep on going.

Luckily I have not had to change back to female mode for anything except having to sign my natal name since I have not made any legal changes so I can't help you there.

Basically just hang on -the andro. time will pass and you can use this time to learn .

Johnny

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Of course it is different for everyone, and usually depends oh how well you 'pass' when you start RLT.

All I can do is give you my experience, and honestly, I am not sure when I started RLT. I went full time at home and in the house almost instantly, to my wife's dismay. She was fairly supportive at the time, and I suppose hoped it would help my dysphoria. Our agreement was I would not go out in town - but I did go out in other cities, were I was not known.

THAT was interesting! I was only about 3 to 6 months HRT and just starting to feminize.

Four months HRT

It was easier for me if I was dressed presenting female, rather than androgynous. I probably had maybe 20% questioning looks...

But in androgynous mode? DANG - almost 100% questioning looks.

So I usually tell people here at Laura's, there is about one year of that awkward time while the HRT does it's magic, and you are settling in to your true nature.

But I was lucky - had great results from HRT early on, especially in the softening of the face. In girl mode after about 8 or 9 months I passed perfectly (as my trip to Memphis with Sally and Dee Jay proved).

Memphis

So I knew I could easily go totally RLT - and I wanted to do so... but I was sill known male at work. So I went RLT except at work, knowing it wasn't likely I could 'come out" (construction related work). Which was interesting - having to bind to disguise my new gender. I told them I was Native American and that was why my hair was so long and I had no body or facial hail.

When work ran out - I totally switched to full time. It has never been a problem and I am so THERE now... yea!

When do you go RLT? I suggest as early as you can - coordinate that with you GT - it is a horribly stressful thing to do.

About the time I went totally RLT

How do you cope in the awkward time? You look to where you will soon be, and just do it. And there is a lot of just pure ATTITUDE... people pick up on that and just treat you as you present, your true self. If you how even the slightest doubt, it outs you immediately... so even if your knees are weak and your head is in a panic, don't let anyone see that.

What is the expression natal women use? "Put on your big girl panties and just do it!"

So true!

I hope this helps

Lizzy

A few weeks ago 30 months HRT

[Guest Miss_Construe]

I'm still in the awkward phase.

It gets hard at times but you just have to remember to keep your chin up and keep reminding yourself that you are moving towards something. Don't show your doubt and don't worry about not passing, just as Lizzy said.

<3

Amy

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Oh my - what happens when you have to temporarily revert? NOT GOOD

Me in reverted form - at a crawfish boil (my wife's family had not been told at this time.) I had lost weight and they tought I was sick with something. You just do it!

About 3 months HRT

Lizzy

[Guest John Chiv]

Nick,

You have received excellent insight from all.

John

[JJ]

One good thing-and the most frustrating thing for me as well -is that as FtMs we are not at risk in the same way that an MtF can be at this stage because many women dress male mode-one hairdresser even commented how popular men's cuts are for women right now. Grr.

We want to be taken as male. We want to send a message that we are male yet before T has done it's work it can be very hard to send that message. There are no ways to alter our appearance such as wigs and breast forms. If we are well endowed then even a binder doesn't tame the things on our chests if we are binding safely. We can't wear makeup to soften some features and highlight others. So frustrating! When people talk RLT for us it can be very frustrating when you are doing your best and still getting the wrong pronouns etc.

All we have is attitude. And body language. But again, in spite of the frustration we are lucky in being able to make adjustments to our attitude and body language and know the results are to exactly what we are doing. I don't want to change who I am or how I basically interact with people but I have learned that if I want to be seen as male I have to turn down the friendliness-at least till I look more male. Sadly a friendly person with a beard is seen as a friendly guy but an andro. looking person who is friendly is seen as female. At least in my experience. I can see the wheels start to spin and the incorrect female gender click into place when I make eye contact and smile. It isn't my voice-which changed fast -it's my smile.

And carriage. I have noticed that even when they are using a cane or otherwise mobility impaired-as I am at the moment-then men still keep their chest upright and neck stiffer. Things like that will help.

Just keep knowing who you are as I said and working on it. Observe and practice. Let the man inside show in your face and body. There have been many female bodied people live as men over the centuries-so it can be done even without T, though the changes in the way women dress has made it harder. Much harder.

Johnny

[Guest ranse]

Lizzy, thank you for posting the photos--even the ones you no longer care to see. It is very inspiring to see how others have been successful in becoming themselves. I appreciate you showing the stages so we can see that it does happen even if it seems painfully slow while we're going through it.

Hang in there, Nick. It's tough, but the little affirmations along the way will boost your spirit and your confidence. I'm not sure exactly where I am on this journey. My entire life I've worn men's clothes. I played hard at being a girl to make everyone happy, but even then I was an odd duck. When I was young I was always seen as a boy and then a young man until I hit my 20s. Somewhere along the way, I stopped being automatically seen as "he" and started getting female pronouns thrown at me. Now, I'm back to being seen more ambiguously where people aren't sure what I am. I get seen as "I dunno" or "she" most of the time and it's frustrating. At least the "I dunno" makes me feel less obviously female. I am hoping that with HRT that shift will become more obvious. Ultimately, I need top surgery to feel male ... and it kind of comes down to that: what I feel is what I project. The more I think about wanting to physically transition, the more I get seen as female as if my own emotional doubt surfaces physically somehow.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Lizzy, thank you for posting the photos--even the ones you no longer care to see. It is very inspiring to see how others have been successful in becoming themselves. I appreciate you showing the stages so we can see that it does happen even if it seems painfully slow while we're going through it.

Thank you - I don't want to hijack the TOPIC but I did want to show a progression so as to answer the questions. I have never quite done this before.

Lizzy

[Guest Nick A]

Amazing replies! Thank you all.

Lizzy, thank you SO much for sharing your wisdom and the pictures. You are amazing -- a beautiful and inspiring lady!

Johnny, Amy, and ranse -- thanks to each one of you for your insight and experiences. Ranse - I know what you mean about top surgery. Mine aren't that big (so I'm told) but they sure feel TOO big. I remember I would just think of them as oversized pecs! lol Still...they gotta go. This binding thing...it's not gonna last long.

John, I certainly did! Thank you.

It really is kind of funny how I have been letting that inner man out more and more. Then again, I'm not sure that's entirely under my control at this point -- the real me won't be hidden any longer! It's a good place to be.

I will re-read this post whenever I need the reminders to help me get through. Thanks again!

Nick

[Guest ranse]

Thank you - I don't want to hijack the TOPIC but I did want to show a progression so as to answer the questions. I have never quite done this before.

Lizzy

I can't answer for Nick or anyone else, but for me, it's really helpful and inspiring to see the stages others have gone through and to read about their thoughts and emotions during the process. It's a huge gift to see yours because we also see your other posts and have the evidence of the happiness this has brought into your life, even though it meant a lot of pain and sacrifice.

[Guest Nick A]

I can't answer for Nick or anyone else, but for me, it's really helpful and inspiring to see the stages others have gone through and to read about their thoughts and emotions during the process. It's a huge gift to see yours because we also see your other posts and have the evidence of the happiness this has brought into your life, even though it meant a lot of pain and sacrifice.

Lizzy, I feel the same way with regard to your sharing your pictures/insights. I was greatly encouraged at seeing the stages you have gone through. I don't think I'm all that good at expressing exactly how much your posts (and the others') really mean to me. But, thank you - again.

Ranse - well said. And thanks for the link on my profile.

[Guest Mina89]

Sort of related question: is there a pre-RLT awkward phase where you just can't pull off either gender very well at all?

I think I'm in the middle of it if there is.

-Valerie

[Guest Colm]

Sort of related question: is there a pre-RLT awkward phase where you just can't pull off either gender very well at all?

Yes.

Well, generally speaking, but yes.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Between genders

Lizzy

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

Sort of related question: is there a pre-RLT awkward phase where you just can't pull off either gender very well at all?

I think I'm in the middle of it if there is.

-Valerie

Valerie:

Well, I believe there IS such an awkward phase, because I'm in it myself. However, I went fulltime anyway. May on here have said it's all in how you carry yourself, present yourself and conduct yourself. In a word:

CONFIDENCE!

People are "funny" inasmuch as they get used to things. That is why I go to the same places much of the time. At first, I was hilarious to them. Then, I was just amusing to them. Now, I'm yesterday's news to them. Also, amping up androgyny gradually on the way to going fulltime facilitated this too.

You'd be surprised at how many transfolk go fulltime even before starting any HRT. Many go fulltime at only a few months into HRT. I'm now a year-and-a-half into HRT, so I figured it was time to "go for it" and go fulltime. This was about 5 weeks ago.

Guess what?

It's working out well! I'm making adjustments ... like girls in early adolescence learn to do too. Exceedingly rare is the teenage girl who presents like Ivanka Trump. They have to LEARN to do that ... over time. Well, so do we.

Tomorrow, I'm going to:

http://www.pdxqcenter.org/the-q-center-concert-series-hip-to-be-q/

and am also submitting my volunteer application at The Q Center here in Portland. Why? To get out ... get involved ... get proud. Don't isolate yourself. I have, and it really blows. Just take the plunge and get involved ... in your own way. You'll be glad you did.

Lacey

[Guest (Lightsider)]

AWKWAAARD! LOl Her is my Awkward story. Two of them actually. 2 to 3 months post HRT. no make up...short short very short hair! I go into the subway shop that is also a gas station. I decide to get a salad and I get sir'ed. Nothing earth shattering. I expected that. I went the fuel counter to pay for my gas and I got ma'amed. I litereally looked over my should to see if she was referring to some one behind me LOL. Nope it was me.

Another time I went up to a guy who required my paper work for a delivery. He said ma'am you are next. It was an OH sheeit moment because I was not attempting to pass at that point. I knew I would have to show him my license. Oh boy. I presented my license with the old male stuff and he turned beat red. In the mean time I was wanting to get the hell out of dodge because there some pretty rough men behind me in line.

Oh and I had a Doctor mistake me for female while I was not even on HRT. That was so embarrassing because he had to check my private area for a surgical wound to remove a non-cancerous tumor (caused by DES exposure in utero). Because he thought I was female biologically 100 percent he brought in a nurse to supervise.

After that..the poor nurse could not look me in the eyes. She literally turned red as I informed him he going to find some thing he did not expect down there as she gazed up at the ceiling.

[Guest]

Hi Nick,

I've been there for the last two years. Stuck in what I've called "Male-Fail", not making it in either gender.

But, for me, that was a good step! I knew I was on the road.

This year, I finally got on HRT, and am feeling like it's time.

My trip last weekend was my first extended RLT. It went almost exactly as expected: I'm certain that few people were fooled by my appearance and it simply didn't matter! I'd rather be identified as trans than to pass myself off as something I'm not. RLT for me was a smashing success - getting clocked or not was not part of the measurement. It was just me being myself that mattered.

My mantra: Just get out there, be yourself - emphatically!

Someone else said this, "To thine own self be true". Makes sense, doesn't it?

Love, Kat

[Guest Mina89]

Someone else said this, "To thine own self be true". Makes sense, doesn't it?

That was Polonius in Hamlet. He said it to Laertes. His meaning in the context of that time was more that you should serve your own interests and preserve your credibility.

But it's still sound advice in the sense that you used it.

-Valerie, but I'm thinking of trying Alexandra on for a while.

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

That was Polonius in Hamlet. He said it to Laertes. His meaning in the context of that time was more that you should serve your own interests and preserve your credibility.

But it's still sound advice in the sense that you used it.

-Valerie, but I'm thinking of trying Alexandra on for a while.

Val:

Hey, right on! You are exactly right, o ye erudite one! Rock on!

The Point:

Yeah, try Alexandra on for a while. Think you're gonna LIKE her ... A LOT!

Lacey

[Guest Nick A]

Thank you Kat, Val (Alexandra ), and Lacey. My Mom always used to tell me "To thine own self be true." At the time, I used to wonder what she'd say if she knew exactly what that would mean. lol But yea, that's the only way to live. Otherwise, what are you living for?

As I struggle with this issue, I think it is really becoming clear to me that the real issue isn't me "passing," but getting comfortable with finally NOT hiding the man inside. At 40, I spent much of my life kicking my inner man down and hiding him because of the shame I felt whenever I got read that I was male (inside!). lol Looking back, it really is kind of funny that a lot of people picked up on my being different. Quite a few of them didn't even know what to do with it...but those people aren't in my life anymore.

So yea, there's the shame I had carried and now that I'm finally able to be me...well, I guess I'm still dealing with those voices of my past that threaten to keep me from letting me simply be.

Seems funny to have lived working at trying to be the "best woman" I could be. I have always been concerned with what others thought about me...ever since first getting remarks about my mannerisms or behaviors as being so male...and them reacting in shame. I suppose it would be inevitable that I'd be as concerned about what others think now that I can finally not have to hide my true self. Weird dynamic there, but expected given my past.

Now that I've realized where a lot of my concerns come from, I think I need to just let go of everybody else's expectations or whatever. I know I don't have to try to act like a woman anymore, but I can tell when I revert back to that "woman" mode...maybe I get uncomfortable in a situation and before I know it, I can tell I'm behaving in an "accepted social role." Hard to explain the nuances of such things, but it happens.

I guess it's really just one day at a time. My entire journey of coming to terms with being trans wasn't an overnight process; my telling those closest to me wasn't an overnight process; gaining confidence in finally being "permitted" to be me won't be an overnight process either. I know I will have good days and bad days. Having you all here is one of the few things that has brought me through some really tough days. Thanks for that!

Lightsider - Yea, that is AWKWARD! Good share though...thanks.

[Guest Aly Kat]

My 2 year old cousin once called me "mom" while I was in boy mode that was a bit awkward... especially since his dad, my uncle, was there with me

as for when people have "read" me... MOST don't say anything (I can just tell) or they compliment me on my outfit... some say, "I can't even tell" (which doesn't make ANY sense...???)

people don't really pay attention to other people who are "going about their business"... they're too concerned with their own appearance

[Guest Alexandra89]

Yeah, try Alexandra on for a while. Think you're gonna LIKE her ... A LOT!

I am liking it so far! I haven't hear anyone call me that in person yet, though. That's probably going to be what decides it for me.

Thank you Kat, Val (Alexandra ), and Lacey. My Mom always used to tell me "To thine own self be true." At the time, I used to wonder what she'd say if she knew exactly what that would mean. lol But yea, that's the only way to live. Otherwise, what are you living for?

As I struggle with this issue, I think it is really becoming clear to me that the real issue isn't me "passing," but getting comfortable with finally NOT hiding the man inside. At 40, I spent much of my life kicking my inner man down and hiding him because of the shame I felt whenever I got read that I was male (inside!). lol Looking back, it really is kind of funny that a lot of people picked up on my being different. Quite a few of them didn't even know what to do with it...but those people aren't in my life anymore.

So yea, there's the shame I had carried and now that I'm finally able to be me...well, I guess I'm still dealing with those voices of my past that threaten to keep me from letting me simply be.

The shame is a big one to get over, especially if you had particularly critical and invalidating parenting.

-Alex

[Guest Nightgirl]

Hi Nick,

I've been there for the last two years. Stuck in what I've called "Male-Fail", not making it in either gender.

But, for me, that was a good step! I knew I was on the road.

This year, I finally got on HRT, and am feeling like it's time.

My trip last weekend was my first extended RLT. It went almost exactly as expected: I'm certain that few people were fooled by my appearance and it simply didn't matter! I'd rather be identified as trans than to pass myself off as something I'm not. RLT for me was a smashing success - getting clocked or not was not part of the measurement. It was just me being myself that mattered.

My mantra: Just get out there, be yourself - emphatically!

Someone else said this, "To thine own self be true". Makes sense, doesn't it?

Love, Kat

Hello 'Kathleen Rose ,

I love the term male-fail ,that happens to me at work all the time. I go full male at work. I remember one day when coming out of the mens rest room this elderly man stopped and looked at me and said, " I'm sorry miss I thought this was the mens room". In my deepest male voice I said, "Yes Sir it is". I felt so bad for this gentalmen.

But later, inside it gave me a good feeling. I live in a ruel comunity and in full female mode I have been beat up, spit on and cussed out. Luckly for most this dosn''t happen. I am very carefull now. But belevie it or not I think they are starting to accept me . Good luck all on your RLT .

Love, Night-Girl

[Guest Karen K]

Nick,

This is kinda related to your dilemma. I have been on HRT for 8 months now, the progress is slow but definit, and I am making "excursions" as my true self a few days a week. That is, I am not into RLT as yet.

As most of you know, when I visit my momma, I usually spend the days in girl mode. This past visit was the same. I spent the day as myself, albeit in jeans, a purple top, light make-up, silver hoop earrings and sneakers. We made several stops without incident. I dealt with two cashiers and a salesman with no discernable problems, no faces or snide remarks were made.

Later that day, we drove to a convenience store for some Powerball tickets. Mom went up first, but there was a problem with the machine, it would not accept the play slip. Mom thought it might be the fact her slip was well used, so she excused herself to make a new slip (same numbers).

So there was one other customer before me who was making a purchase of a soda and a snack. Then it was my turn. The cashier, however was checking the lotto machine and discovered the reader lens was mucked up with what appeared to be "white-out". Since the machine was temporarly out of service, I stepped out of line and went to check on my momma's progress.

It was soon after this that the cashier, apparently satisfied that the machine was now clean, inquired in a loud voice, "Where is that other lottery guy?" and she said it twice!This was the last stop of the day and it had to end this way?

I know that I'm not the most beautiful t-girl to ever walk the face of the earth nor are my breast very noticable, but (imho) I had done a good fair job with make-up and my clothing, while casual, was not masculine.

I have since gotten over this, but at the time it really bothered me. I know that some people just wont get it at first and this one encounter out of my life doesn't amount to anything, but really, I didn't look like a guy at the time.

Laura Jane