As I Live And Breathe

[Guest NatashaJade]

I know I haven't been around much lately, and that's really not for any other reason than I've been busy living. And here I am about halfway through my summer break, about halfway through this first real extended period being myself and it has been essentially the best time of my life.

I have spent time with my kids, taking them to swimming and playing and being mom #2 when necessary and always Sunny. I've been writing, working on my novel. I've been baking, starting to sell some cookies and seeing a future in it. And I've been living.

As a woman.

And not as a transwoman. I have basically stopped worrying about passing. I do just fine. No one questions me as I don't question me. I am who I see in the mirror. And it's not about what my political identity is or what label I carry. I don't really care about that at all these days. I've just been living.

This is my life as I am meant to live it and it is right. And I am frightened beyond measure and I am not sleeping well because come August, I have to put it on hold and go back to not really living and I am scared and angry and a little resentful. It's like I've been given this vision of how things are supposed to be and then it's taken from me and I'll have to try to forget it just a little bit to make it through another 180 days of disguise and fakery.

And I hate it and I have to do it. I have no alternatives. None. Trust me.

So I'm doing what I can to make it palatable. I have all my letters and they're in various stages of transit up North. At some point soon, I'll have a date for surgery scheduled. More importantly, I have a definite set of dates already where I will put my male facade away once and for all.

I'm probably not going to write as much and if I do, it will be more to just dealing with these issues, this suspended reality I must face.

Nobody said this would be a Sunday picnic and I knew the trip was complicated and wrought with danger and yet I still bought a ticket. I'm in for rough waters, but I've got my sea legs...

Oh, and here I am dressed to go out for a nice dinner and to see a concert We had a lovely time.

xoxo

Tasha

[Michelle 2010]

I was talking recently with a friend about how much easier it would be to simply move to a new place where no one knew you "before". Have you considered that for the post transition or are you locked into a career where relocation won't work? (you look great btw!)

Michelle

[Guest BeckyTG]

Tasha,

This is the tough part about transition--going back and forth. It only gets harder to do as you go on, but you know that.

You do have the fortitude to carefully develop and work out a plan for your future and then work the plan with patience. This is far more than most people can do. I don't say most of us with GID, but rather include the entire population in there.

Many are envious of those who have become successful, but most of those same people have not had the discipline to make sacrifices now for a gain later.

If you are comfortable that you've accurately assessed the options available to you, then continue on your course. You'll be in that recovery room before you know it and all this terrible conflict will be over.

You look lovely now and how you can pass for a male is beyond me and most of us here. But, hey, you do instruct actors and actresses, eh?

Hugs, dear Girl. Enjoy your Summer.

Becky

[Guest NatashaJade]

Thanks all. I'm not really worried about going stealth. I'm just trying to find ways to distract myself for the rest of the year. It'll be rough, but what else can I do?

xoxo

[Guest MonikaC]

Tasha,

I know it is going to be rough, but you have made it so far already. You really are an inspiration to many here. Even though you will have to go back to guy mode, you have already made the transition. Your attitude says it all. It's jot about labels, just about being true to yourself.

[Carolyn Marie]

Tasha, you are a strong woman, and if it takes another 180 days of duel life to make it through, I know you can do it, regardless of how difficult or emotionally painful. Like all of us, you know how to survive.

You are truly a lovely woman, and I mean that in every way possible. I'm lucky to have gotten to know you a little bit in person, and I am the better for it. Take care my dear friend, and be well.

Love

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Miss_Construe]

Tasha,

The cruel march of time doesn't change its pace for any joy or agony. I feel bad that I don't really remember what exactly is going on, sorry. If I were forced to live in my mask again I would probably ... actually I would be a mess and don't really know what the bloody snarf I would do. You are braver than I.

Also, gorgeous.

<3

Amy

[Guest NatashaJade]

More thank you's! The really hard thing right now is that my mind keeps going forward to August rather than staying right here and now, which is a lovely moment in time.

Amy, I don't know if it's bravery or not. I just do what I must. Is that brave? But gorgeous? Why thank you! That picture is the first time I really feel like I look beautiful. I'm not smiling in it, but it makes me happy.

xoxo

[Guest Emily Ray]

Tasha,

I know why your mind keeps wanting to jump to August and it is going to be the hardest 180 days of your life and we who have gone full-time as you in every sense of the word have done know just how hard it will be for you. I do not envy your position and know that I could not do what you are going to do. One day at a time, now and then. Live every moment between now and August, observe all of your feelings, remember them because what you have now will be what your lifetime reward will be in 180 days.

Huggs

Emily