Asking Friends/family/etc. To Use My Chosen Name/preferred Pronouns?

[Guest Ulysses]

Hello and good morning (or night), everyone. I'd like to ask you all for some advice regarding preferred pronouns and chosen names. I imagine there's a similar thread somewhere on this site, but my situation is a little tricky... I identify as androgyne or bigender (depending on how you look at it) but have not yet come out to friends or family, etc. Obviously I would like to come out, but I'm both a very anxious and introverted person... so even to those close to me, I have a hard time opening up or bringing up like subjects. I'll put it this way: I haven't even a clue how to approach or open up to a transgender friend of mine, or my transgender girlfriend. Sounds silly, I know, but it's my anxiety getting the better of me.

The way I think would work best for me is small steps.

The first step I've taken (or rather, tiptoes) is trying to at least allude toward my preferred pronouns (ze/hir or other gender neutral) lately, like noting that I love the ze/hir pronouns (when they come up in conversation) and posting links to articles on friends/families' Facebook walls. But that's as far as I've gotten with that. I haven't yet worked up the courage or found a comfortable time/place to ask anyone to use them for me.

The second step is a little confusing. To start, let me say I'm an aspiring novelist/artist. Because I am introverted and wary of public attention, I've long used pen names for anything I write/create, online and off. I've used a couple, but for the last four years or so, one of my pen names has grown very dear and comfortable to me. Almost every online profile/account I have goes by my pen name, nowadays. In fact, my profile here on Laura's Playground is under my pen name. I'm so attached to it that I hardly think twice about signing anything by it. Odin, my handwritten signature isn't even my birth name anymore. (Not that anyone can tell: I'm an illegible signer.) I don't even like calling 'Ulysses' my pen name. It feels like my natural name. And the more times I write, type, or use it, the more I want to be called it in real life. My friends and family are familiar with my pen name, but it's just that to them: a pen name. Once, a friend of mine called out 'Ulysses' just to see if I'd react. And I did. And ever since she did that, I've secretly wished that 'Ulysses' wasn't just a writing/public persona, but the actual me. 'Ulysses' is simply everything I want in a name. If I feel masculine one day, it can be the plain, full name, or Uls. (Like 'yools') If I feel feminine another, the 'lyss' can be 'Liz'. If I feel both or neither, it can be Uly. (Like 'yoo-lee'.) It's so accommodating for my day-to-day swings.

On the flipside from my 'pen name', the more I hear or use my birth name, the more I hate it. It's undeniably feminine. Has pop culture connotations I sternly separate myself from. It's inspiration was from a very heavy, flowery perfume (which I get every Christmas). I'm not at all shy about my birth name. I still hear it every day, and have to print it on every paper to make up for my chickenscratch signature. It's Ciara. And just typing it there, while I'm not shy about it, if my fingers could gag, they would have.

As of this moment, I'm not ready to ask my family to use gender neutral pronouns with me, only close friends. So the advice I'm looking for regarding that is how to approach my friends with the subject.

My name, however, that is something I would like both friends and family to use. (Ulysses, that is.) Again, it's not a name my friends and family are unfamiliar with, so it's not completely 'out of the blue'. But I imagine there will be a load of questions or even hesitance/refusal on using it. So the advice I'm looking for regarding that is: how do I approach/ask others to use that name? What kind of questions commonly spring from asking people this? If there are any common questions, how do I respond?

If you know anything about introverts, you know it takes a while to form answers and we tend to plan our side of conversations beforehand. So if there's any words of wisdom or suggestions you may have, I would greatly appreciate them.

Thank you for your time and have a great day/night. Uls

[Guest kelise]

I hate to come across as ignorant, but on this subject I kind of am. Normally, I'd just advise that you get each friend alone and explain the situation in a firm but friendly tone, emphasizing that you are serious and that it would mean a lot to you if he/she/ze would use your preferred name. In your situation however, it seems you have several variations/derivatives of your name that you would like people to use based on your feelings of the day. How do you plan to communicate your preference of the day to everyone? Shirt color? Or a nametag? Asking people to remember to use a preferred name is already a lot, but asking them to change it up daily is going to be really really hard. I really don't want to sound harsh, I just need further explanation.

[Guest Ulysses]

I hate to come across as ignorant, but on this subject I kind of am. Normally, I'd just advise that you get each friend alone and explain the situation in a firm but friendly tone, emphasizing that you are serious and that it would mean a lot to you if he/she/ze would use your preferred name. In your situation however, it seems you have several variations/derivatives of your name that you would like people to use based on your feelings of the day. How do you plan to communicate your preference of the day to everyone? Shirt color? Or a nametag? Asking people to remember to use a preferred name is already a lot, but asking them to change it up daily is going to be really really hard. I really don't want to sound harsh, I just need further explanation.

Understood, not at all harsh, and I've thought about it myself. I don't expect people to change it up depending on my mood, just to use plain 'Ulysses'. I'm fine with the full name on any given day. I noted that it could be varied just because I thought it was interesting. That, and it helps to have a feminine variant of the name on women-only or directed websites, if ever I'm active on one. (I have had someone aggressively point out, on a women's health site before, that I have a male name and thus must be male, i.e. don't belong on the site.) So really the variants are just in case I must present as one gender or another someplace.

Similarly, I would not want to change preferred pronouns day-to-day. I would like gender neutral at all times.

And thank you for your advice. Addressing each friend alone seems like a good method.

[Guest kelise]

Glad I could help, and thanks for clearing that up. The androgynous community is a very mysterious and interesting to me, and I'm always looking to learn more, especially as a psyche major myself. Another piece of advice if you go with the each friend alone method is to schedule the meetings rapidly and close together, because even if you tell each friend to keep quiet, word will travel, and then you'll have to deal with the "why didn't you tell me first?" crap. You don;t want that, trust me.

[Guest Ulysses]

Glad I could help, and thanks for clearing that up. The androgynous community is a very mysterious and interesting to me, and I'm always looking to learn more, especially as a psyche major myself. Another piece of advice if you go with the each friend alone method is to schedule the meetings rapidly and close together, because even if you tell each friend to keep quiet, word will travel, and then you'll have to deal with the "why didn't you tell me first?" crap. You don;t want that, trust me.

No problem, and thank you for all your help.

Scheduling all the meets close together sounds like a good idea, especially since I don't think I would have thought of the 'word will travel' bit. But now you mention it, it's human nature. Definitely don't want people clambering to ask "why wasn't I told first?" and all that jazz. Peeling rather than ripping a bandaid, eh?

And I agree with you saying that the androgynous community is very mysterious and interesting. I've only recently come into the online communities and whatnot that are specifically androgynous and I find it fairly elusive a group. From what I've experienced, I think the androgynous community is still coming into its own and trying to find the best way to represent itself and those who go by androgynous. It's a little difficult, I think, because gender-specific behavior and clothing, etc., are really geographical. So it's not always easy to define 'androgynous'. But everyone finds their own balance and what is comfortable. I may be wrong, but that's just what I've noticed on androgyne blogs and stuff like that. That, and there's not a lot of information out there about it yet. I can definitely relate to your curiosity about it. I identify as androgyne but I in no way know everything about it. (That and it's funny you mention you're a pysche major: a lot of my curiosity about the androgyne community, apart from my identifying with it, is my own psyche interest. On that note, I'd love to hear about what it's like to be a psyche major; I'm hoping to go to school for it.)