How Can I Bring This Up With My Mum?

[Guest Starlight53a]

So... On Monday, I ended up in conversation with my mum. It was a good conversation, and she was nice. The conclusion of it was basically that me liking girls and feeling like I should be a boy is just a phase, but she also said something vaguely along the lines of that if it isn't a phase, she'll still love me. Which is super-cool.

But at some point I want to try and convince her that it might not be a phase (though maybe I'd have to convince myself of that first) and to possibly get me a gender therapist if that's possible. I'm not sure how or when to try and do that, though.

First thing: How long does something have to last to not be a phase? More than 6 months? More than a year? More than that? And what if I can remember random moments from my life that point to the possibility of me having always been like this without knowing it (if that's possible)?

Second thing: When would I say it? I'm to a Gaeltacht (like a summer camp that speaks only Irish) on Sunday for three weeks. When I come back it'll nearly be time to go back to school, and around that time my mum wants to get a job or take classes or something. Basically, I can't really bring it up again within the next three days, 'cause that's too soon. She might accuse me of nagging her or something. But I can't bring it up again when I come back, because that's too close to the school-year starting, and she'll think that I'm being like this because of the prospect of her getting a job. She'll think that, by the way, because the same thing has basically happened for the past two years. In September-ish 2009, she said she'd take classes and get a job. A month or two later, I became convinced that I had an eating disorder and started self-harming. That persisted on and off until about September-November-ish the following year, when I tried to kill myself. Again, she said it had something to do with her getting a job.

So if I bring it up anytime around August/September, she'll say that that's happening again, basically.

Third thing: Assuming I do manage to prove to myself that this isn't a phase and do manage to find a good time (like January 2012...? o_O), what would I even say, and how? I suppose I could write this stuff down in my diary and hope she reads it (she often does), or I could just try and bring it up. I guess I could say, "Remember the day I came back from America, and we had a conversation about the "phase" I'm going through of wanting to be a boy? Well, I kinda think it's not a phase." and then maybe at that point I could give her a sheet of paper with a list of reasons why it's not a phase? And/or a leaflet/webpage about it?

Also: She said in the conversation on Monday that there was "no way I could be a boy trapped in a girl's body" because apparently if I was, I'd have known my whole life. That's not always the case, is it? Surely there are other people who haven't always known for their whole lives that they were actually a boy/girl in the wrong body?

Anyway, maybe I am just going through a phase. I dunno. Is 6-18 months a phase?

So, thanks for reading this. Any advice or opinions are very helpful and appreciated.

[Guest Riana]

I can't say if it is a phase, but maybe you can ask yourself... 'do I want it to be just a phase?' I think that often says more about your true feelings than what you can rationally come up with. It might also help to think about your past life, about things that you felt before. At first I thought it was just a phase as well, but as I explored my past I gradually came upon more and more things that pointed in the same direction. If it's really a phase, I certainly had a lot of phases!

[JJ]

The current scientific evidence is that this is a birth condition with brain and body development being incongruent but that doesn't mean that we are all aware of it all our lives. Social conditioning is a strong thing and we are each individual in our psychological as well as our physical makeup with millions of possible differences in combinations of the two.

I have my doubts that people often question their gender orientation as a part of the phases most of go through as part of normal development in our teens. Sexual orientation-yes, that sometimes happens. But gender identity ? I don't think so, It is such a fundamental part of our identity, Such a part of our core. The social penalties and sanctions are so great that i just don't think it happens frequently if at all. At the very least it is a good reason to see a gender therapist. they can guide you through your feelings and help you and your family come to terms with who you really are. It is also possible that your past eating problems and suicide attempt were tied into the gender issues. The way to be sure is to see a therapist. A gender therapist because they are familiar with the peculiar dynamics of haveing this condlict within in ways regular therapists are not. If you are indeed trans this will not go away,

So hopefully you can persuade her to let you see a therapist because at the very least you are seriously questioning and need help

Johnny

[Guest Fiarlia]

I second a Gender Therapist, particularly because they should be able to discern if it is indeed a "phase," though like Johnny I don't put much stock into the phase argument.

In conjunction with seeking a GT, I'd do as much research as you possibly can, and share as much of it as you can with your mother. The more you both learn about it, the better you'll be able to decide where to go next.

[Guest rynae]

I think plenty of research and going to the gender therapist sound like a good ideal, instead of waiting to see if it's a phase sounds better. Just think what if it is not a phase and is real. Although I can't decide that and only you and your therapist can find the true answer to that question. Good luck!