so confused.

[Guest Kayde]

hey everyone.

im a ftm... no doubt about that.

however, many times i give up and dress as female. its too hard to pass everyday, deal with these emotions...

i also sometimes give up because i dont despise my body... i just feel uncomfortable with it. and id really prefer if it would just stop being so female! (lol)

and i am too scared to try hormone therapy

heres something worse... IM IN A RELATIONSHIP. witu a heterosexual male who wont love me if I Do get a sex change..... this is so confusing...

im in desperate need of help!

what should i do to tough out the days where i dont wanna put forth the effort to be true to myself?

[Guest John Chiv]

Hi Kayde,

You took the first step and posted here and talked about the difficulties you are facing and that is a good first step. Is it affordable and possible for you to see a gender therapist? Looking for support group in your area is a good idea. If this is the only place you are looking for help, many of the challenges you are facing, many of us have gone through as well. One suggestion I have is that you might want to read as many forums and look for topics that might give you insights on how you can cope with these tough days.

John

[Guest Riana]

I recognise a lot of how you feel, albeit in the other direction. I don't hate my body most of the time, it's quite a nice body in a way... but it's not really me. And yes, HRT is scary. Very scary. Maybe you should ask yourself what would happen if you didn't get it? Would it make your life worth living, could you live a happy and full life? Or would you feel like walking on a tightrope all the time, trying hard not to let your body affect you?

Relationships are often confusing, but have you asked him? Has he said he would leave you if you transitioned? There might be some things you need to work out, and I'm afraid I can't really speak from experience. But ask yourself... does he love you for who you are, or what you are on the outside. Would he understand that the outside is a lie, and that he is in love with that lie? That you are a man even if he doesn't see it?

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

I'm sorry you feel in such a no win situation at the moment Kayde. Are you certain that your partner wouldn't love you if you transitioned? Is it something you've talked about with him? My partner is lesbian but she has said that while she wouldn't want to be with any other man she will still love me as I transition because she has fallen in love with me for who I am. A lot of relationships can't take it but I believe some can.

John's advice is sound, support from a gender therapist and possibly a support group as well as this forum are good places to go for support on those tough days.

Gabe

[JJ]

You have gotten some excellent advise. The really rotten thing about this is that we think about gender so much more than average people.

Much of the time they just are. Not male or female in thought. Just are. And while I want my body to reflect the male it belongs to, I also want to find that time again when I don't think about it part of the time. When I am just me. I remember it as a kid. I got up and put on my jeans and shirt and went about my day as the little boy I was and didn't think about it much except then I had to wear or dress or something like that. I even learned to pee standing up because I thought I should and it kept any thoughts about gender at bay. Luckily our family was super private about bathrooms and stuff so I never got caught.

Maybe on the days you don't go male you can shoot for that state of just being. Being you is enough.

I also agree that starting with a Gender Therapist should be a priority. It doesn't commit you to transition, it just lets you find out what you really need to do. To be happy and fulfilled.

Relationships are tricky and it is hard. No matter what it is hard. But if the relationship is based on you being a woman it can't work for you ultimately can it? To be really fulfilling a relationship has to be based in truth.

And I started out thinking I didn't have body dysphoria. That my reasons for hating my body had to do with other issues entirely. Now after I realize I had it backwards. I am aware now of a dysphoria I displaced in a lot of ways. It may not be the same with you but sometimes our feelings are buried under layers and it takes awhile to get to the core.

Johnny

[Guest andy79]

Hello kayde,

I can relate to how you feel and your concerns about the relationship your in. Now this is just my thought process here but just maybe it may give you a different way to view some things. I'm not a very reliious person but I do believe in a higher power no set religion just a higher power (whomever you choose to believe in ) but with that said I believe that power will not put something on your plate that you cannot handle, overcome and learn from. If your s/o can not handle it its not the end of the world, I was married for 12 yrs and well my s/o couldn't handle it but ya know what? I learned a lot along the way and I learned what qualities I needed to find in a life partner. Things will get better it just takes time. I have good days and then I have days I don't want to get outta bed. I take each day one step at a time and well slowly but surely its getting better. So the best thing I can say is live each day as new day and sooner or later it'll all come together. I wish you the best and lots of hugs

Andy