Maybe This can Help

[Guest Julie T]

drunkontheory posted this on another site, suggesting we all use it. I thought it might be helpful for you people out there trying to figure out how to explain the unexplainable.

Suggestions for people who care about trans people.

1. If you know that someone has asked 70% of the people in their life to call them a new name and a new pronoun do it. Don’t feel like you are entitled to be asked because of how long you have known them or how close you are to them. The very fact that you are that important to them may be why they haven’t asked you yet. At the least ask them privately what they would prefer you call them. Anything else is disrespectful and mean to someone you claim to love.

2. If you don’t think this is the right choice for them that is okay. They don’t need you to tell them that or to explain it or to give the other side of the situation to them. They are living the other side of the situation and live in a world that is deeply transphobic. There really is nothing you can tell them that they don’t already know. Hush up and support your friend, family member or significant other.

3. Don’t explain to them why transition - surgery/hormones - isn’t necessary. They seriously don’t care what you think. Get that this is something you may never understand. Thankfully you don’t have to understand to be supportive.

4. It isn’t cute or endearing for you to get the name wrong on purpose or refuse to use it. It is abusive and you can bet that if you don’t get it together you will lose the person you care about from your life entirely. Pay attention. You probably have already started losing them.

If you read this and feel defensive. I am probably meaning it for you. Get it together. My 83 year old grandmother understands that you call people what they want to be called and you support people you love.

Julie

[Guest KimberlyF]

I agree with all but #1.

It goes against numerous other lists giving advice to people. Just because you know, you don't say anything. You respect their privacy. When you are given this info, then you can talk with them about it.

This does not mean you can't drop hints that you'd be supportive.

But it could be a blow to someone not yet FT to think everyone knows and is talking about them behind their back. It's a very vulnerable time.

[JJ]

This is an article that I really like on the subject . It is written by a transwoman Gender Therapist and I like her non-hostile approach.

http://www.firelily.com/gender/gianna/etiquette.html

Usually telling someone you don't care what they think or to keep their mouth shut, as the other article does, ends up creating hostility and bad feelings in my opinion. I can see where it would feel good to present that information to people but I am not sure it is the most effective way to get the recognition and acceptance we are ultimately seeking.

If it is a person who is not ever going to accept or support then why bother? It will only lead to a rebuttal or rejoineder better skipped in my opinion. There are enough battles in transition without seeking more.

Just my interpretation

Johnny