Because I can't help it?

[Guest Elena]

I had a seriously shocking realization while driving across North Carolina last night. I am a whole lot closer to being FT than I thought I could possibly be... And I didn't plan it this way.

I remember posting several months ago, one of my first posts here, that even if I couldn't sort out finding a GT who would work with me out here on the road, even if it takes 3 times as long as it should to permanently kill off my beard, etc. etc. That I could see myself going full time because the need to be myself was becoming so overpowering. Then I made a plan on how it would all go, no hard dates mind you, just some hopeful ones and a general plan on the order I would address different things along the way. That plan has shifted and adjusted along the way as I have found some things easier to accomplish and some things harder. I have had to find very creative ways to cope with not letting myself freak out and go too far too fast and put myself at risk needlessly.

Well, it seems to have happened anyway. Last night I got a hell of a shock, several really. First, going into a truckstop to use the restroom and shave. An employee actually grabbed my arm and redirected me into the ladies room as I started to turn toward the mens. He was very nice about it, said the signs in the hall were mixed up and it happens all the time. Well at first this would just seem to be a wonderfully confirming incident, cept I hadn't shaved for a day and a half and was feeling disgusted and more than a little bit like a freak. Now I'm lost, how the hell am I going to shave my face in the ladies room?! I ended up shaving back out in my truck. Well at least I know the Home IPL thing is really having an affect.

The next bit of excitement was at my pickup apointment. I got ma'amed and the door held for me when I went in to get my paperwork, ok nice and my brain isn't rejecting it this time, being freshly shaved helps a lot.

Then while out in the yard trying to close and seal the trailer I picked up, well the door was bent pretty badly and was having some trouble since I don't have much weight to throw into it. One of the yard jockeys (who are notorious for being rude to otr drivers) comes flying up next to me, slams his brakes, jumped down and asked if I would allow him to help. I had to laugh at his phrasing, as a lot of female truckers are shall we say stubbornly indepedant. Door finally closed, I sealed it, thanked him and walked back to get in my tractor. I realized after I climbed in he just stood there and watched me until I closed my door. Couldn't tell you if he was scratching his head, or enjoying the view, but he didn't move one bit.

Well, all this is a bit much for one night and I started really thinking. Now here is where the big shock came in. First thought, it has been several weeks since I have even touched any of my guy clothes except for the 6 or 7 unisex tee shirts that I throw on over whatever womens top I am wearing, which are mostly cami type tank tops. It's also been over a month since I started wearing my breast forms all day, every day. In fact my current student even thinks I really do have breasts. I also haven't used anythjng buy mt female voice for over a week, after I had the epiphany that I don't spend enough time talking on any given day to strain it.

That's where it hit me, like a freight train between the eyes! I am a tee shirt and a few coming out letters/conversations from being Full Time!

Holy crap, how did that happen? I have been focusing on just being comfortable, just being myself. And I realized that is why and how, and the awnser to all of this all rolled into one.

It is so amazingly simple. Guess what, I am a woman, and don't need to try to be one. Yeah, there's a heck of a lot I need to do before I am going to be comfortable with my body and a long way to go still, but all of that is secondary really to the why and the deep knowing that all of this is right for me.

Well, have a great day y'all. All this thinking exhausted me beyond belief, time to pass out.

<3 Love and Huggs <3

Elena

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

Elena:

You are The Bomb, girl!

Dang, how I love reading your posts!

Hey, I'm goofing off from work right now and, hence, am here illicitly, so let me get back to you tonight, and until then ...

ROCK ON!

Lacey Lynne

Go, Girl! Go!

[Guest Mia J]

Way to go girl!

I understand what you are saying. It is almost like we wake up one day and realize we are full time. With me it was actually during a visit with my G.T. We were talking about my transition and she just said that she would mark my time as RLT or full time back a couple of months from that date because it was obvious that I was now full time and had been for some time. It took a bit to sink in but it was true

It is a great feeling to realize we just sort of slipped into it without any big fanfare.

Mia

[Guest John Chiv]

I have been focusing on just being comfortable, just being myself. And I realized that is why and how, and the awnser to all of this all rolled into one.

Elena

That is the answer and WTG Elena.

John

[Guest Orva26]

Holy crap, how did that happen? I have been focusing on just being comfortable, just being myself. And I realized that is why and how, and the awnser to all of this all rolled into one.

It is so amazingly simple. Guess what, I am a woman, and don't need to try to be one. Yeah, there's a heck of a lot I need to do before I am going to be comfortable with my body and a long way to go still, but all of that is secondary really to the why and the deep knowing that all of this is right for me.

<3

So awesomely put!

This is kind of exactly how I want to do things, kinda the "Whoops I'm full time!" approach.

I'm glad ya had these realizations/experiences.

[Guest ranse]

Great update.

[~Nova~]

I can fully understand and relate to your post. Somewhere on these boards I told the story a bunch of times.

It's a grat feeling, enjoy and congrats.

Autumn

[Guest BeckyTG]

Way to go, Girl.

This is exactly how it should happen. You just let the woman out and, bit by bit, she takes over. Then you are your natural self.

What a wonderful revelation. Internal mental peace to follow....

Hugs,

Becky

[JJ]

So happy for you Elena. It's a wonderful feeling isn't it?

The same feeling, the same reaction has started happening for me.

Loved reading all about it.

Hugs

Johnny

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

Elena:

Well, done working and back at you.

Anyway, yes, I love this thread! Yes, how ARE you going to shave in the ladies' room? Great question? Funny thing is the same thing is happening to me at L.A. Fitness where I'm kind of in a netherworld.

Because of the heat, I present in my Paris Hilton mode ... really short hair, androgynous cap, short girl's shorts, girl's T-shirt, girl's slightly elevated sandals, anklet, bracelet, ladies' watch; i.e., pretty much in total girl mode.

Even in THAT presentation mode, guys are holding the doors for me at the gym. Guys are checking me out and even flirting ... and they're a lot younger than me. Crickey! Yet, I'm still using the guys' locker room to change, clean up and use the bathroom there.

When the cooler weather gets here, I'll make my way over to the ladies' locker room. That'll be interesting. Gonna sit down with management with my carry letter before I do and clear it with them to assure them that there is no danger whatsoever. Actually, with a wig, I DO pass very well. I've just been too lazy to wear it in the hot weather, because doing so is a huge drag.

So, Elena, yeah:

Easing into it really is best. I was setting hard and firm dates to do this, that and everything. Bummer. Now, I'm just flowing along. Name change in a month or two. Hair removal thereafter. Already changing A LOT from the HRT, but I love it.

Keep us posted with what you're doing. Your threads are SO MUCH FUN!

Peace Out Lacey Lynne

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

The smoothest are the bestest!

Huggs

Dee Jay

[Guest Elena]

Thanks for all the awesome responses and support. It is a bit unsettling that I'm where I am so quickly and without consciously trying. I was kinda figuring/hoping to be able to start HRT by the end of this year (which it looks like will be sooner than expected also), and figured FT would be happening somewhere around a year from now. Heck only 3 months ago I was peeing my panties when I freaked out and had to go to a pickup apointment en-femme. Thankfuly that turned out to be a wonderful day, which no doubt helped me immeasurably. Not to mention all the love and support I have gotten from everyone here!!! Still the huge shift in my own outlook is rather astonishing.

Well, I guess I'll just say keep moving toward wherever your goal is and you just may find yourself there before you imagined possible.

Love y'all <3

Elena