Telling the wife

[Guest Melissa Lissa]

So, probably the biggest issue I've been dealing with for a while is whether/when/how to tell my wife. I hate hiding things from her, but the fear of rejection and affect on our family (1 child) is too much for me to take this subject lightly. I love her, I loved her the moment I met her back in high school. I've had love at first site with her every time I see her, even after being married for 3 years.

My whole life I've been in some sort of denial about being ts, it lifted a bit when I was in my pre-teens and learned what ts even meant and then I went full force into denial when I was 17 and didn't want to be homeless. I know that she will likely be offended that I wasn't honest from the very beginning, but I haven't been honest with myself either, so there was no way to be honest with her. Now that the denial has passed and my mind won't let me think about much else, I feel like I'm lying to her.

I want to be open and honest, but the statistics of failed ts marriages is scary. I'm looking for advice on making my marriage work, what ways have others used to come out to their wives after the denial has lifted and what ones were successful?

Some background on my wife's views of ts: My wife has said in front of her cousin after watching a show with ts persons on it, that she would be okay with me being ts. I know that statement alone seems promising, however, she was in front of a cousin that she likely wanted to show off her liberalness to and she was using her joking tone. I have made joking comments about becoming a woman and every one has been met with joking hearty approval. My wife has jokingly insisted that she is interested in trying lesbianism. She is writing a novel with a tg character that falls in love with a girl, however, when talking about this character she indicated the tg character would simply give up being tg to be with the girl. My response to that was to make a half squinched thinking face and say, "weeellll, you might want to do a little more research on the subject." She said that she would.

Based on these observations I think there's a shot that she could be accepting of me if I am honest and sincere with her and present the subject in the best way possible and if I am willing to compromise, which I am. I know I'll need to be selfish to some degree as I go forward, but it's not just my happiness on the line and I need to keep that in mind.

Knowing her insecurities about my history, I'm almost positive one of the first questions she'll ask is "Are you gay?" and I'm having trouble coming up with a proper response to the question. I'm considering simply saying I love her and am attracted to her and leave it at that. She knows that I was into men when I was in high school (I chose not to title myself since while I liked guys, but I was not interested in gay sex), she doesn't know that I wasn't attracted to women until after I had formed an emotional connection first, she was the only woman that I ever had that emotional connection and resultant physical attraction to at first site and I cherished that "normal" feeling that she gave me. For me I don't even think about my sexual orientation anymore because I'm attracted to my wife and that's all that matters, which is why I'm having trouble coming up with a good/honest answer for this question that I know she will ask.

Over the past few months I've been acting more like myself and less like the gender stereotype I've been portraying, such as letting her drive without complaining, admitting to being scared sometimes, watching "girly" movies without complaining and actually enjoying myself, drinking light beer and liking salads, and she has made several joking/teasing comments about my lack of masculinity since I began this technique. Prior to coming out of denial, I constantly reinforced the male stereotypes to hide my own insecurities, so I know peeling away from that will lead to some tension and I'm accepting of her teasing.

Sorry about the long post, but any advice is appreciated.

[Guest Mia J]

Hi Melissa,

I had hoped you would have had a few responses on this post by now.

I have really been doing some thinking on this as I think it is different for each of us.

Coming out or talking to your spouse about this is probably the hardest part of the process.

I did come out to my ex many years ago but because of our lifestyle I think she had an idea. At first she was supportive and would help me with a lot of things. Then she got what I would call pushy and try to push me further along then I was ready to go at the time. After about two years she started seeing an old friend with my ok but that was the beginning of the end. She finally told me during a very bad time in our lives that she would not stay with me after transition. So even though it started well it did not stay that way. Because of everything going on including our issues I stopped transition and we separated anyway.

Shortly after I started going with my current spouse. She knew my history and had known me when I was in transition and said she did not have any problems with it but I was not going to start it up again after all of the things I had been through. Well 14 years later I could not hold back any longer and we had a talk. She said she supported and loved me and encouraged me to start exploring again. After a few months she came and said that seemed just so much happier and at peace and to keep it up and she would be with me no matter what. That was two years ago and I am now full time and we are doing great together.

We are the exception. I think there are a lot of reasons for this. First of all we were both adults in our late 30s or 40s when we started going with each other. We had both been married before and knew what we wanted from life. It was not love at first site because we had known each other for many years before. We had great communications with each other and this developed into a deep trust and respect. It takes a special relationship in the first place.

My current situation may not be helpful just because of the fact that my darling knew about my gender issues from the beginning. But the love, trust, and respect we have made it easier for it to work.

So here are some questions you might want to ask yourself.

Do you have a very close relationship with each other and can share your deepest thoughts?

Do you know your wife well enough to know how she might react.

Many wives first think they have been betrayed because this is not they agreed to when they got married.

You mentioned several times that she made joking remarks that were positive.

Can you bring up these issues on a more serious conversation. How open and close is your communication with each other?

There are also several things you need to ask yourself.

How far do you have to go in transition?

Have you talked with a gender therapist? This can help you and they can often help when it comes time to talk to your wife.

The bottom line is what are you willing to give up to transition? Can you live a decent life with yourself if you don't transition.

Check out some of the past posts and sections here to see what others have gone through or have to say.

In any case we are here to support and help in anyway we can.

Mia

[Guest Melissa Lissa]

Thank you for your advice Mia, the questions do help to put things in perspective a bit.

I was thinking earlier about how I have this fear she'll leave me, I know it stems to back when we were in high school and she broke up with me. She's a much different person as back then and thinking about it, while she would leave me for many good reasons, I don't think she'd leave me for wanting to transition. Judging on her reactions to the times I truly throw the gender stereotypes out the door without complaining, I think both of us would be happier if I acted less like the stereotype that I had embraced out of fear for years.

We have a fairly close relationship, I guess that's why not telling her is really bugging me. I mean if we had the type of relationship where hiding things from each other were commonplace I wouldn't be upset by hiding this. I'd probably already have made an appointment with a GT behind her back. But I don't want to sneak around behind her back and I think that's a sign that we do have a close relationship (or at least that I perceive it as close...).

My ultimate hope is that not only will I be happier, but that she may be happier as well. I mean, right now she knows she's with a stressed out, unsure of himself, antisocial, sometimes angry and sometimes alcoholic man and our relationship suffers for those traits, but she can look past those traits and still love me. If beginning to transition, or even simply being accepting of who I am makes some of those traits fade away, I think she will see the value in it. But that's just a hope.

Melissa

[Carolyn Marie]

Melissa, one thing I've learned that you can't predict, is how loved ones will react to your being trans. My S/O is a practicing Catholic from a country not know for its tolerance of LGBT issues. I was sure she would throw me out once I told her. Guess what? She not only didn't throw me out, she has been amazingly supportive, and its been two years since the "Big Talk."

We've had our ups and downs, and nothing about the future is certain, but we are doing all right. I don't have a secret to success, I don't think there is one. But honesty, openness, communication, compromise, and restraint from shoving everything down her throat are all essential elements.

Statistically and anecdotally, long term success seems unlikely. But it is not impossible, and there are many of us here who can attest to that. I wish you all the luck in the world, and if you need more advice, please don't hesitate to ask.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Melissa Lissa]

We've had our ups and downs, and nothing about the future is certain, but we are doing all right. I don't have a secret to success, I don't think there is one. But honesty, openness, communication, compromise, and restraint from shoving everything down her throat are all essential elements.

Thanks for the advice. The bit about not shoving everything down her throat I think is important, yet it will be difficult, especially because she'll likely ask many questions and want proof and it will be hard not shoving it down her throat.

Overall I think I will stick with easing her into it, thinking about the potential outcomes of coming out to her, the best ones involve her not questioning whether I'm pulling her leg, and in order for that to happen, she has to see more and more of the real me in her daily life.

Melissa