Transsexual Nightmare..when I Be Accepted

[Guest Stephanie Butterfield]

I think I must be living the transsexual nightmare. I have been in real life test 29 months now and hormones over 18 months, nothing seems to have gone right during all of that time. I am regularly abused everywhere I go still, the hormones don't seem to be doing much apart from breast growth in my humble opinion. My home has been targetted 6 times, as the locals regard me as a freak, I know this as that is what they call me amongst other things a colourful list of names, I've been assaulted, stoned, bottled threatened and all because I wear female clothes, which is appropriate to adhere to my RLT. Its not just teens its all ages from 3 up to 50's and beyond.

My family disowned me in May 2006, and whilst a cousin has said some members of the family do want to meet me, I take it with a pinch of salt.

Employment is a bug bear, I have applied for approximately 650 jobs since doing my deed of name change on April 6th 2006, and all I've had to show for it is 6 weeks work in October- November 2007. Its obvious why they won't employ me, its because I present as female and duer to lack of feminisation they cannot accept me as a woman.

My desire is to be able to walk down the street and just be accepted as a woman, but I sincerely doubt that will ever happen as I look so male. I am read so easily despite every effort I make with make up, hair, accessories etc, and people are so openly transphobic it affects confidence and self esteem.

Tomorrow I have my throat surgery, perhaps just perhaps it could spell a start to my looking and sounding more female, however there is not much I can do about my face, as finances don't allow me to consider FFS.

Stephanie

[Guest Isobelle Fox]

I think this must be everyone's greatest fear, or certainly one of them. The possibility of such a scenario is part of the reason that I have not had the courage to be more open. I truly hope that things get better for you, and I think you are very courageous. Hang in there, and keep us updated.

[Guest Kiera]

Huggles and Loves

I wish a panacea-type answern was readily available...

When placed in similar surroundings, after a total meltdown on my part, I eventually decided that the best personal answer was to place myself in a more accepting community... Maybe do some research on communities in your country that are more accepting? I remember somewhere that North Hampton had a good group?

While this may be invalid advice for you, doing so has made a world of difference in my emotional health...

May you be graced with smiles,

Kiera

[Guest Jeannine Bean]

You know, you're an adult, so I'll put this out there, because I believe adults should be free to make the decisions that after careful consideration they think are most suitable for them.

I considered not even trying to "pass" at all and just living externally as a fashionable man, with a gender neutral name, and some extra curves (from hormones). I figured I would make more money, and have less trouble with my life. But I was seriously considering wanting SRS, so I'd be in conflict with the "Real Life Test." Why bother with all the hassle if it's not necessary and I can avoid marginalizing myself?

I wrote to some SRS surgeons. They made it clear to me that if a psychiatrist would certify that I am sane and realize that SRS is irreversible and I know the implications it will have on my life, they'd perform it. (Very well respected surgeons outside the U.S.). They also wanted to know that I wasn't doing it for some reason other than "gender dysphoria." Basically they wanted a soundness of mind certificate.

Currently I'm presenting in a rather androgynous way and I'm actually doing MORE that's "feminine" gender role than many of my cisgirlfriends have done in terms of a "female" presentation, and a lot more than I would probably do if I had been born a ciswoman (though that's hard to know). I decided I wanted to do that for the social benefits of doing so, not to meet anyone's artificial standards that were chosen years ago by a man whom I disagree with in so many ways.

My point: I believe that we exist so far outside of societies norms that it is almost upon us to make our own way. I think it takes ruthless introspection and careful attention to our own intentions. I'm do what I feel is congruent with me, after considering carefully my purposes. I make the compromises I need to in order to get by.

Think about this: I wear stuff to work that I'd never wear anyways. In my field, no one can wear a hippie sundress and a scarf tied around her body, or a renfair style bodice. All kinds of super cool freeform peircings are out. Visible tattoos are out here too. So what do I care if I also can't wear a dress there and expect to keep my job? Everyone makes compromises, huge ones, all the time, for their employers. That doesn't impact who I actually am. It only means I'm being functional.

I'm picking a middle name that can allow me to "pass" as a man to help me in my professional life. I don't intend to transition at my job as the country I work in I would simply not be able to be employed and my source of income would disappear. Period. My income allows me the freedom to do the other stuff I want to do so it's not something I'll compromise. When I'm self employed, or living in the Bay Area or something, I'll wear stuff to accent these little girls I'm growing and I'd probably get that boob job I'd love to have. Until then, in my professional life, they don't exist, I appear to be a highly stylish man, and no one calls me my real first name. Or I'll do all that when I pass better, which may also come sooner than I think.

That's simply one example, and the same could be said about community. I wouldn't go into Rural Georgia wearing bondage pants, a shredded sex pistols shirt, and a septum piercing with a chain going through my ear plug and wrapping around to my freeform neck piercing any more than I would go there wearing a skirt and a blousy top. As much as I might think chains from my piercings to my mohawk wearing girlfriend's piercings might be incredibly sexy, I literally would expect to get shot some places acting out that desire (and believe me, that situation with a hot punk chick would be so the "true" me [:-).

Perhaps its time for you to move somewhere else. I know that can be hard. Perhaps it's also time for you to make up your own standards and discover the way of living that you feel most comfortable and happy with. It seems like in the last couple of years you've developed a lot of nerve and a lot of strength. I'll bet this will contribute a lot to you in the long run. Some places probably won't accept you. You know what, if most Westerners moved to Saudi Arabia and were vocal and open about all their beliefs and feelings then they might actually be killed. I think that choosing to move somewhere that is more accepting of you might not be a bad idea! You're the one living your life.

I say: Don't believe anyone when they say it "has to be done" one particular way.

jeannine

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

I think this must be everyone's greatest fear, or certainly one of them. The possibility of such a scenario is part of the reason that I have not had the courage to be more open. I truly hope that things get better for you, and I think you are very courageous. Hang in there, and keep us updated.

I recently had the horror story come home to me, I went to my Dr fully expecting to be given my scripts for hormones and begin the feminization process. Instead i got told that I was to do two months RLE BEFORE we have the estradiol discussion. OMG was my thought, no boobs, not had a chance to permanently axe the shadow... This is going to be a disaster. 

I have found a way to semiconvincinly pad a bra so it looks like I have a small set, I have a gillette fusion razor which makes getting the shadow to a minimum relatively simple (it has a micromotor in it which turns one stroke into the equivalent of probably 100+, and shaving against the grain smooths things out nicely), with some good concealer i do a reasonable job of passing. Admittedly is only been a week since this  bombshell was dropped. Live and learn, keeping my head high and remembering how to walk and talk. It will work. 

I understand the fear, and frustration; admittedly I am much earlier on my journey than you are. Is your Doc monitoring your testoterone, if not they may want to check into your antiandrogen dosing as it sounds like it may not be enough.

[Guest angie]

I think I must be living the transsexual nightmare.

Tomorrow I have my throat surgery, perhaps just perhaps it could spell a start to my looking and sounding more female, however there is not much I can do about my face, as finances don't allow me to consider FFS.

Stephanie

Golly Steph,

I sincerly feel for all you have gone through.Most all the ladies I know locally don't come close to passing.I do more by the attitude I project,than by actually looking like a woman.That would take

some FFS.I am lucky to have a very small adams apple,now it is almost none exsitant.I couldn't

even imagine the stuff you have been through.Sure I was laughed at,pointed out,and put down.

I haven't had anything thrown at me though.That has to hurt badly.Not so much the physical part

as the mental damage they inflict with their thoughtless actions.

Big Warm Hugs.

Angie

[Guest Leigh]

i'm sorry.....

the only suggestion i can give is to stick to it and keep talking to your therapist.

also, some of the ladies on here have suggested that GID could be a reason to go on disability (like for depression, etc)

since the mental effects of having the wrong body make you unable to work, etc..

thats the best i can contribute other than to offer to come kick some rears.....

*humph* nobody messes with my sisters........

yeah. let me know if those jerks keep threatening you, and seek police protection or whatever kind of protection you can, we all know it's not ok to live somewhere you aren't safe.

peace&love

leigh

[Guest Luna M]

Jeannie Bean made a very good post.

I don't know much about your situation, but I thought I'd throw this out there: is it possible for you to move? Not every place is as closed-minded and abusive as what you're describing. If you can't change your environment to be better, and you haven't been able to "pass" well enough for that environment to stop rejecting you, then maybe you can move to a different, better environment?

Apologies if that is not possible, I understand that moving is difficult and expensive and it doesn't sound like you've been given the opportunity to bring in a lot of income (how is your surgery being paid for?).

Best of luck.

[Guest Fenarth]

This sounds scary @_o

GL and I hope it works out I guess who knows maybe your relatives will pay for some of your things

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Great posting - but please note it is about 12 months old.

I just want to warn that person posting originally - hopefully has transitioned and is living as a full time woman.

Lizzy