I can't pluck up the courage to 'come out?'

[Guest AXELXY]

Um, hi, I'm new to these forums. I'm Axel.

I'm scared about coming out, but I feel bad about being scared because I should be proud of who I am and just be myself, but it's hard. I first heard about the term 'transgender' from a documentary I once watched on TV about three years ago. I watched it with my mum. It was called something like "Age 8 and wanting a sex change." At the time, I remember relating to lots of the things that those kids were going through at some point in my childhood and even now. When the programme finished my mum said "You better not be transgender." That had made me feel like crap, although I had just learned about the term I felt as though she was offending me because I am like those children. At that time, I didn't have access to my own computer so I didn't look up any further details about being transgender, but about a year ago I did and I discovered that I am infact transgender.

I hate not having the courage to tell anyone, because I want to be known as 'Axel' and I want male clothing, not female. Because I am not out yet she keeps buying me clothes that aren't helping me pass so I feel even worse and awkward in social situations. Like even days when I may be passing she always comes out with "she" or my name or something! There have been times out shopping and she's been hindering me about all the lovely tops I could pick and I just feel like screaming "I'm a guy!" Or the time she made me wear a dress to a special occasion and I started crying in the changing room and to me I felt disgusting and I was panicking and could hardly breathe... I don't want to be put through anything like that again. I wish I could come out and live my life the way I want to. I have a binder but my mum keeps telling me it's horrible and everything, and that if she ever gets a hold of it she'll bin it. I don't want to tell her.

I have a sister who is accepting though, but I'm really awkward and I can't say it to her although she suspects I'm transgender. She says it's obvious from my childhood. But whenever she asks, I always say 'no' or don't answer.

Help, is there any way it would be easier to come out? Or should I keep it to myself until I'm a little older (I've just turned 14). I kind of want to tell her I'll buy my own clothes and be comfortable passing and stuff before telling anyone, but I dunno, I hate how she always 'outs' me when I think I'm passing well.

Thanks for reading, I know it's long... :3

[MaryEllen]

Hello Axel,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. There are many here who are in the same situation as you are. Look through the topics here in the F to M forum and see how others have managed with close minded parents. Since you are only 14, look through the Teen forum and see how others your own age have come out to their parents.

Many parents feel that their child is going through a phase and will grow out of it. They feel that at a young age you aren't capable of knowing what you want. Don't antagonize your mum but be consistent with your assertions that you are male. Once she sees that you are serious she probably will start to take you seriously. Would your mum be open to having you see a gender therapist? It would be good if she would.

I know 4 years until you are 18 will seem like an eternity to you but if worse comes to worse, this is something you might have to do. In the meantime, if you could get some boys clothes and a boys haircut it should make it easier for you.

I don't doubt that your mum loves you and is only trying to protect you from making what she perceives as a horrible mistake. She needs to be educated as to what being transgender is all about. If you can get her some literature about transgenderism, that would be good. We have many parents as members here. Perhaps you could persuade her to join or at least come here and have a look. The forum pages are open to guests.

MaryEllen

http://www.wpath.org/documents2/socv6.pdf

[~Nova~]

Alex, cute moniker.

Mary Ellen has given you great advice. I'll just add anew things.

I would highly suggest you sit her down and tell her. Don't hold a lifetime of regret over somethig you cannot possibly know the outcome too. If talking is out, then you can always print this thread and give it to her. I would also include the address tot he parents forum. http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showforum=31

You are s till very young and have a long way to go before you can make real changes. Sat saving now. A few dollars here and there will go a long way when you really need it.,

Good luck, please don't be a stranger and keep us updated.

Autumn

[Guest AXELXY]

Thanks for all the advice.

She may let me see a gender therapist, but I have my doubts because she has also once said if me or my sister is gay or trans she would 'fix us' with counselling....And I'm pretty sure the counselling she has in mind won't be a good gender therapist but rather someone who will try to 'change' me.

Maybe I should try and open her mind a little by coincidentally buying a movie with a transgender character in it or something and watch it with her and see what she says.

Are there any movies which are available that wouldn't be too obvious but do have a transgender character?

I will keep you all updated on my coming out process, but before I come out I do want to make sure it's safe to and I'm confident enough to answer any questions or negativity she may throw at me.

*Hugs*

-Axel