SRS and Transition Regret in Real Time

[Guest angie]

I belong to a group of middle age transfolks,

We had a new member come into the group and her in first post

she stated that she is a post op who hates having had surgery,

feels she was talked into it,was rushed and pushed and didn't

know how to say no.She hates being a woman,hates dilating,

is thinking of just stopping,and detransition back to life male.

When I read that I was stunned and then angered. I who have

waited for so many years,have longed for,still anticipate,and hope

that both my finances come together,and my health hold on so that

I might be able to finally end the dysphoria,give me the final peace

of mind,and shut that little voice off that say's I'm not finished yet...

Could not believe what I was reading.

This is real,and it is going on right now, today.

Makes one think... doesn't it.

Angelique

[Guest Svenna]

Angie,

Yes, it does make me think!

Makes me think about being very certain before stepping onto the HRT/SRS train, for sure...

Heck, who am I kidding? I've been on the trans-train since birth. Time to get off the platform and MOVE forward...

Yeah, too bad for the 'regretter', that's a bad place to be. I'd bet she is just having some difficulty adjusting to her new reality. The past MIGHT seem like a safe place once it is irrevocably gone...

I don't know, I'm just speculating aloud here...lol!

Svenna

[Guest Mia J]

It does happen. I would like to know how she felt rushed and pushed into it. Most therapist I know of want you to take as much time as you can before you do GRS. But remember the people who regret doing this are in the minority.

Mia

[Guest KimberlyF]

I have posted in the past of my experiences and how 20 some years ago I felt pressured into starting estro just to prove I was 'legit'.

[Carolyn Marie]

Angie, it would be interesting to have more details of her situation and complaint. It takes an awful lot of preparation and planning for major surgery. There should have been plenty of time to think it through. Plus, unless she got around the SoC somehow, she would have had to convince two therapists that she was ready and sure. Makes no sense.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Svenna]

Yes, more details, please!

Inquiring minds want to know, really! lol..

How did this come to pass, in this day and age?

TIA, Svenna

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

Angie:

This IS remarkable and unusual. However, it does happen albeit rather rarely. Gotta wonder, right?

Sorry that you and many others who so desire SRS/GRS have to wait ... and wait ... and wait. Bummer, babes. Really, I feel for all of you. I really do.

However, I've gotta jump into the fray and make a point that our own Drea often makes with that being that there IS a rather huge element of peer pressure amongst many in our community to seek SRS/GRS like a Holy Grail. For those of you with extreme dysphoria, I can appreciate that. I really can.

However, like Drea so often says, many transfolks remain nonop ... willing. Bet ya a dollar to a doughnut that I'll be one of them. Yeah, SRS/GRS would be cool and far out, but, hey, I can do do without out. Feeling that way, it's best for people like me NOT to have it. Know what? There's a fair number of transfolk just like me.

Again, I feel for those of you who REALLY want SRS/GRS, okay? May all of you find a way, really. Besides, you're a hottie anyway, so what the hey, like go for the gusto, girl!

Prayers & Hope at Ya, Girl Lacey Lynne (HSTOLP) (Hunter S. Thompson of Laura's Playground)

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

I know who Angie is talking about......

The lady is 67 years old and now regrets having SRS....she is only less than a year post-op and has no one in her life.....

She feels that there is no reason to dilate now....

She hates to shave to go out and just thinks that it would be easier to let it all go back to "male" at this point....

Sad, sad person

'Dee Jay

[Guest (Lightsider)]

There are some trans folks who push that SRS is the way to happiness. I know personally that is not the path. In fact if a person does not have things squared away before SRS or even rushes to the surgery they do risk regret and possibly a worse situation. I know of one transgirl who rushed to get SRS and I can see a train headed for a brick wall.

[Guest KimberlyF]

Does this person ID as male or female? This could be a change of mind or depression talking. In a case like this maybe the surgery with no actual real opening would have been best if the pain over the penis was an issue. These are the things to talk about prior to surgery. In great detail.

[Guest angie]

One of the happy and well adjusted post op ladies just asked

the question of how the SOC was by passed,how could she have

gotten her letters,been oh-kayed by her doctor,how could not one

have seen just how unhappy she was,not excited about the prospect

of having surgery? From the time she first posted that has been my

question. Plus she didn't pay for it,it was given to her free of charge

by the Canadian health care system.

Ang

[Guest angie]

Kimberly,

She didn't rush into it,she's lived female for the most part since 03.

She feels her pyschotherapist and friends pushed her into surgery.

It confounds me that no-one saw this wasn't right for her.

[Guest angie]

.

She is only less than a year post-op and has no one in her life.....

She is a live in roomie to a man who is her lover it seems,say's

she cannot detransition because he wants her to stay female,

feels stuck because her pension limits where she can live,and so

stays there hating it every minute.

She feels that there is no reason to dilate now....

She hates dilating. Say's she has always hated

the way a vagina looks,thinks they are ugly,and

can't stand to have to look at hers to dilate,so

she avoids dilating and wants to just quit completely.

She knows that her vagina canal will seal itself,and

she doesn't care.

Sad, sad person

Yes she is and I feel sorry for her.

'Dee Jay

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

She is only less than a year post-op and has no one in her life.....

She is a live in roomie to a man who is her lover it seems,say's

she cannot detransition because he wants her to stay female,

feels stuck because her pension limits where she can live,and so

stays there hating it every minute.

'Dee Jay

What I meant was....no one in her life for an intimate time...The man she lives with can no longer preform...so she feels that the vagina is useless to her...

Dee Jay

[Drea]

I doubt she was forced...

It is hard to tell if such is real or not online, but such does happen....

Her inability to say no may have more to do with here wanting to say yes at the time though perhaps since the canadian healthcare system was offering to pay for it, she may have felt pressured decide or lose the opportunity.

My personal observations there seems to be a few logic paths those regretting go through.

There is the "to be complete" rational. The person doesn't feel a need to have SRS but by having they will be "complete". The person then finds after SRS that it does nothing for them and yet adds some things they don't like.

There is the "me too" rational. Here the person doesn't feel a need for SRS but they are swayed by those who talk about it in glowing terms (as most do in the early post-op euphoria) and see others having SRS and feel left out. Sometimes others suggest they should have SRS. Eventually they figure since everyone is finding it great, that they also will so they decide to have SRS. LIke above SRS didn't do anything for them and they didn't like the changes.

And then there are the ones who have fantasies or unrealistic expectations what SRS will do for them. For example some think SRS will make them magically pass. Or that SRS will make the complications in their life go away. In these cases it is simple, the results of the surgery doesn't fufill the fantasy or falls seriously short of the expectations.

Plus, unless she got around the SoC somehow, she would have had to convince two therapists that she was ready and sure.

Therapy is the best chance for avoiding mistakes however therapy is not proof against an error. Keep in mind that if one does the things the standards call out and doesn't exhibit any pathologies and expresses the desire, they can get a referral. Furthermore, just because one's therapist expresses agreement with one's decision to have SRS doesn't mean they can't be wrong. Part of what therapists do is validate ones feelings and they can be prone to error.

How did this come to pass, in this day and age?

The requirements to obtain SRS have been consistantly lowered for as long as I been involved in the community. Thus access is easier not to mention that much of the last decade SRS was basically available on demand out of Thialand. I won't be surprised if there is an upsurge in regrets.

However, I've gotta jump into the fray and make a point that our own Drea often makes with that being that there IS a rather huge element of peer pressure amongst many in our community to seek SRS/GRS like a Holy Grail. For those of you with extreme dysphoria, I can appreciate that. I really can.

However, like Drea so often says, many transfolks remain nonop ...

Correctly paraphrased Lacey, thank you.

[Guest angie]

I have considered just giving up and living as a non op.

It's not for me. For even if the option is removed for what

ever reason,I would still label myself as a pre op,and would

always have the faith that one day it would/will happen.

I know there are many who choose to remain non operative

and live life happy and well adjusted.For many just give them

an orchiectomy,remove the T factory,and it gives them so much

peace they see no reason to go further.For others they enjoy

the pleasure of their birth sex and don't want to lose that.Some

just fear surgery. I feel that as long as you are happy,only go

as far as it takes to make you feel peace and at one within.

Angelique

[JJ]

While I know this does happen the statistic I read is around 1percent. Personally I think that there is usually an underlying personality disorder. A therapist should have caught it-but not all therapists are great, plus some disorders can be very hard to detect

Perhaps she expected SRS to fix her life and make it instantly happy. We all know that won't be the case. It does make a world of difference for most I believe,

This could also be a case of displacing all her feelings of fear or inadequacy or whatever onto her transition. That makes it so much easier. Then you are not to blame and don't have to fix your problems.

But since SRS has among the lowest-if not the lowest, I can't remember and am too tired to look it up tonight-percentages of regret of any elective surgery the odds are overwhelming that an individual will be satisfied with having the surgery.

This woman might also regret detransitioning too.

But I have sympathy for her and w

ish her the best.

Johnny

[Guest Leah1026]

I belong to a group of middle age transfolks,

We had a new member come into the group and her in first post

she stated that she is a post op who hates having had surgery,

feels she was talked into it,was rushed and pushed and didn't

know how to say no.She hates being a woman,hates dilating,

is thinking of just stopping,and detransition back to life male.

When I read that I was stunned and then angered. I who have

waited for so many years,have longed for,still anticipate,and hope

that both my finances come together,and my health hold on so that

I might be able to finally end the dysphoria,give me the final peace

of mind,and shut that little voice off that say's I'm not finished yet...

Could not believe what I was reading.

This is real,and it is going on right now, today.

Makes one think... doesn't it.

I'm going to be blunt: It anger me when someone tries to blame others for their mistakes. We all know going through transition what we're doing and what the possible outcomes are. You are ALWAYS responsible for your own choices.

[Guest KimberlyF]

I'm going to be blunt: It anger me when someone tries to blame others for their mistakes. We all know going through transition what we're doing and what the possible outcomes are. You are ALWAYS responsible for your own choices.

So if you decide not to transition till later in life because of an inner battle going on and a lack of self-esteem due to signs pushed at you from family friends and the media of this 'norm' that you don't meet, you are responsible for the choice and therefore the pain in your life up till that point?

[Guest angie]

I don't believe that is what Leah is implying Kimberly.

She is saying it is no ones fault but her own that that

woman transitioned through SRS and finds life female

unsatisfactory.It is not her friends,her docs,her partners,

it all lies on her shoulders. If she had doubt,which she

undoubtedly had,she should have never persued this

path or let it go this far.It is her fault and only her fault.

Now she has to deal with the consequences of her actions.

Angelique

[Guest KimberlyF]

And my point is nobody can judge another's life without living it. It's hard to tell exactly how mentally stable one is How many 'rehabbed' rapists rape again? These people have fooled professionals. They may have even believed it themselves. This idea that everyone getting SRS needs it or will be happy or didn't commit to the process is silly. We just don't know.

As far as the possibility that the community pushed this person, they are talking of going back to life as a male. I asked how do they currently self-identify. Everyone else admits there is some kinda mistake, but still calls this person she. What are the rules we ask of society?

If they want to detransition because they don't feel female, they are he. If they still strongly I'D as female but are depressed, they need therapy and support.

[Drea]

While I know this does happen the statistic I read is around 1percent.

The 1% number is for those who transition back. The numbers for expressed regrets seem to run between 6% and 10% depending on the sources. That seems consistant with my anecdotal observations.

Personally I think that there is usually an underlying personality disorder.

That certainly doesn't help. It doesn't seem to be a factor in a number of instances I know of, but I am sure it plays a role in the overall numbers. This isn't suprising as personality disorders as a co-condition is not uncommon at all. Just the percentage of those who have Borderline Personality Disorder in the community is staggering. I wouldn't be suprised if approaches 30% of those who self identify as trans online. It certainly poses a challenge for clinicians.

I'm going to be blunt: It anger me when someone tries to blame others for their mistakes. We all know going through transition what we're doing and what the possible outcomes are. You are ALWAYS responsible for your own choices.

So if you decide not to transition till later in life because of an inner battle going on and a lack of self-esteem due to signs pushed at you from family friends and the media of this 'norm' that you don't meet, you are responsible for the choice and therefore the pain in your life up till that point?

Responsability is one of those double edged things. When one is responsible for something one has the power to change it. If one isn't responsible, one is powerless to change.

Sometimes we have to make the best choice we can at the time. We can't fault ourselves for that choice and certainly are not responsible for the actions of others. There is no way we can know what the future holds nor predict with any certainty how others may react in response to our actions. Reflecting upon such decisions can be useful for any lessons learned but that is very different from beating oneself up over what can't be changed.

[Sally]

It is very sad indeed but I do understand how it can happen - not being pushed into surgery that is more of a rationalization of a mistake in most cases but in a lot of these cases it was someone who thought that their life would change suddenly and it does not - only your body.

I am very sad for these people and of course for the person was bumped from that surgery time who was really ready.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

As we've all seen.......many feel that after transition...their life will magically change....

Their knight in shining armor will come...the bills will go away and every day will be sunny....

That is not reality .....

And some that really shouldn't have SRS, or even HRT, slip through the cracks.....

That is just what happens.....this transition stuff is not an exact science....

It's not like 2+2=4 every time...

Unfortunate things do happen....

Donna Jean

[Paula ult]

I also have been keeping up with her story, a big part of her unhappiness is due to pain, she has a bridge between the labia which essentially holds her vagina closed making dilation painful and urination messy, she said her surgeon was not responsive to her problem and a local OBGYN would not treat her because she was not comfortable, she saw a doctor last week that said the bridge needed to be removed which would open the vagina and should alleviate the pain in dilation and messy urination.

I really do not know what to think, she said therapists pushed her toward srs as did her boyfriend and a church group paid for her train trip for her to get her surgery, she said she was more excited with the train ride than having surgery, why at some point someone did not see she was not happy or ready for surgery is beyond me.

As with any surgery there can be complications, this bridge though not common i have heard of others having it, i had granulation which is quite common, everyone having srs should know all the risks and complication that could occur.

Paula