Physician visit and first day out in public!

[Guest Lauren37]

Hi,

Firstly, I do not post much mainly because since starting seeing my GT a few months ago, nothing much has happened beyond privately practising my social ettiquette, electrolysis 8 hours a week and just basically waiting to start CHT/HRT. I'm deeply inspired by many of the posters here, often the new ones and it often really touches me deeply, hearing the voices of other people like me!

Today though was a big day for me so forgive me for venting a bit. I had already got my letter from my GT for HRT and today was my appt with the physician. Actually she is a PCP who works with transgendered people, she was going to do the initial exams before referring me to an endo next week. Although I dress when I see my GT, I had never ventured out in public yet as I'm way too self-conscious about myself.. hate my voice, my hair is not grown out, my makeup skills are still in progress and there is a great deal of social ettiquette and the way you carry yourself that I'm still studying and trying to get down.

Still, I felt courage from somewhere and decided that this would be a great day to go out in public for the first time. It was a large doctors office (probably about 50 physicians) so a lot of people but the environment was also somewhat controlled so I convinced myself to do it. Besides, I wanted to make a good impression with my physician.

I sat in my car, retouched my makeup about ten minutes before my appointment. I then tried to settle my nerves and think of all the good advice I'd heard/read before.. e.g 'Passing is about attitude'.. 'Self-confidence'.. etc (I was trying to channel some of the comments/advice Lacey had made in particular). Then I got out of my car and as a hundred different thoughts shot through my mind, most of the important ones were forgotten. I felt self-conscious, I was shaking a little and my feet felt like they were made of rock as I walked less than elegantly into the doctors office. I tried to look up at people but mostly stared off into my own space or looked away.

I got to the office area for my physician and as I tried to use my voice that I'd been practising, I stumbled a bit and lost volume/coherence. The girl behind the desk just smiled though and didn't make me feel more uncomfortable. Walking (and now standing) in front of a lot of people was terrifying but at the same time liberating in a way that is hard to articulate.

I did see the doctor shortly afterwards who set me at ease and took my history as well as getting blood drawn (ouch!). She is going to refer me to the endo but expects I should be able to start HRT next week (Yay!).

It was a lot easier to walk out than walk in and the truth is the whole experience of today has been despite the sheer terror and paranoia (which the more I rationalize what happened was likely misplaced), one of the most fulfilling days of my life. I cannot wait for the HRT and I think it is very unlikely I am going to be satisfied without making more changes like ffs and grs but today I had a taste of an inner peace that i never dared to dream. I know that may seem a bit melodramatic but it is honestly how I feel. Sorry had to share!

Lauren

[Guest Mia J]

Hello Lauren,

Oh my don't feel sorry for sharing that is what Laura's is all about.

You did wonderful for you first time out like this. Personally I think we do make a better impression when we go to a GT or doctor dressed as who we really are. You will get much better as time goes by and it will get easier every time.

Be sure and let us know how it goes next week.

Mia

[Guest]

Oh, Lauren,

I'm always so thrilled to see those big steps being taken! All of us here had to start with the feet made of rocks and the voice that escaped. And you did it, so wonderfully! Just keeping your poise is so much of being out. It only gets easier from here!

You know, you don't have to be so quiet - it sounds like you've been a busy girl! I can't wait for the next episode!

Love, Megan

[Carolyn Marie]

I'm very proud of you, Lauren. You did good!

No one is immune from jitters the first few times out. You overcame your fears and did what you needed to do. It gets easier every time.

No one is born with confidence, girl. It comes with practice. Let us know when you start HRT. I've got the cheerleading section back here in reserve waiting for the occasion.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Lauren37]

Thanks so much!

I'm still processing everything that happened. It still seems a little surreal but despite the fear and utter vulnerability I felt, I cannot help replaying it in my mind and it gives me a lot of peace reliving the experience. I want to do more practice but I am looking forward to going out again.

I think if there is a somewhat sad note to this it is when I came back home to my wife (who is fully aware and supports me a little reluctantly) there was a weird 'disconnect'. Stepping back into the male role feels like going back in time and is very strange. I guess this is going to be life for a while until I go full-time (which IS 100% going to happen) but it does feel very weird, especially at first.

Lauren

xxx