I thought this was respectful?

[~Nova~]

I guess I was/am wrong.

I wrote this email to my co-workers. I thought it was respectful and open, I guess i was wrong. I've heard from a few people that I was crass and mean and asking to much.

Hello Everyone,

Well, the cat is out of the bag and everyone is aware of my "issue", Gender Dysphoria / Transsexual. I have fought this my entire life, and over the years learned how to hide it remarkably well from everyone. I know that some of you have questions, some don't. Some of you will accept me as I am, some won't. I understand those statements on many levels having lived through them. I have seen the worst in humans and the best in humans in the last few months.

Outside the office I live as female and because of that I have been forced to make changes that I wanted to wait to do. One of those things is my name. I have chosen: BLOCKED. I have submitted the paperwork with the courts and within a week or two my name will legally be Nova. I would appreciate it if you would try and use that name. Because the name change will be legal, everything will change to that name. Packages, mail, payroll, 401K, professional licenses. I understand that its not easy, and that you have known me as Sheldon for years and I can't expect you to switch it like a light bulb, but I do ask that you try. I have also changed my gender and I am legally female. I would appreciate it if you would address me with proper pronouns. She/her. Again, I understand the difficulty, but again ask you to be civil and courteous.

Now on to the hard part. The patients. Undoubtedly you have or will be asked about me. I get "you changed" at least 10 times a day. "What's with his name", "You look different", "Is his name out of the closet?" I'm sure you have heard others and will hear others. I will leave it up to you to decide how much info you want to give them. I'm not hiding anything and if they ask, they should know. "She's transsexual." "Please ask her." "I hadn't noticed any change." are all fine answers. I am very sorry that you will get these questions, and I'm sorry if they make you feel uncomfortable. You are not obligated to give them any answers and "I don't know" is more than acceptable. Again, I'm very sorry that any of you are "caught up" in my issues.

I am attaching some information on Transsexualism and Gender Dysphoria. Please look through them. I'm not asking any of you to be experts on it, I live it and still don't understand some of it. Please ask questions. Part of my ongoing therapy is to be open and honest. How can I move on if I continue to hide? I can't.

Lastly, work and dress. I personally would like to be me. I want to stop having a double life and just live as Nova, however, I understand the implications of me showing up to work "dressed" and I will continue to dress, male? However, that is quickly becoming an issue. When and if I am able to come to work as Nova, you all will be given ample time and will know when/if the change will happen.

I would like to thank the "Fab Four" for their support and love over the last few months. I would not have made it if it weren't for the shoulders I held onto for dear life. Thank you girls, I love you!

Sometimes i wonder if my thought process is completely off balance.

Autumn

[Guest John Chiv]

Autumn,

It is very well-written. The comments from the few are their issues and they can deal with it or not, but they need to respect you.

John

[Guest rynae]

I read this letter like three times and i have yet to see how this could be disrespectful to your co-workers.

[~Nova~]

They have said that I'm asking them to much. That Its to fast. That I'm pushing it.

When is it right? A month, a year, 5 years?

Nova

[Guest Amethyst_Redemption]

Not their decision. They need to accept your time frame. They have every right to be on their heels, they have every right to feel off guard and they have every right to gripe at the moment. They do NOT have a right to impose their ridiculous will on you. I thought you were compassionate and thorough. People probably expect harsh sanctions if they get your name or pronoun wrong, but once it comes out that people can take time to learn new habits I think things will settle down.

Just my thoughts.

April

[Guest Valerie]

Autumn;

Hun, for some people it will never be enough time for them to adjust to this and that is unfortunate. I have faced simular issues at my work place. However, I let them have time to adjust and after a coupl of weeks, I started to slowly showing them Valerie. My name change is now Official and I am starting the leg work today to make it final. I have informed people at work that my name is now Valerie and asking them to start using my correct name and the correct pronouns. I still get some questions and hesitation from some people but, the large portion of them have accepted this or are starting to accept me as Valerie.

So, hang in there. I know you will over come this hurdle and march on with your new life, in public. Remember, you can not please everyone. All we can do is try and give them the answers that we can or send them to the right places to find their answers.

/Love

Valerie Ann

[Drea]

I don't see anything that I would read as disrespectful.

I do see some things that could cause...for lack of a better word, discomfort or maybe uncertainty.

I could offer a critique of what I feel you might have not included and what should have been included, but it is after the fact so I don't know that there is much merit with that. If you wish to do so in PM I would be happy to.

One thing that confused me, or suggested a mixed message to me was your statement at the end about dressing as "male?". This after earlier asking them to use your new female name and female pronouns. Did I read that right? I am not advocating a more radical chance or any specific action. People do need time to adjust so slow is good in my opinion.

You have made considerable effort to soft pedal things. That isn't a bad thing at all.

I won't get into other detail unless you want to discuss further.

[Guest Donna Jean]

I don't see anything that I would read as disrespectful.

I do seem some things that could cause...for lack of a better word, discomfort or maybe uncertainty.

I agree........

I think the letter is well done and not disrespectful at all........

But, I was a little confused about the "male" thing near the end, too....

Will you possibly not be able to dress feminine? If so, that could make it difficult for co-works to get the name and pro-nouns right all the time....

Good luck, Hon!

Huggs

Dee Jay

[~Nova~]

I understand the confusion with the male. I made a deal with the CEO, or at least I did, that I would come to work as male as long the dysphoria allowed. I am afraid that when the patients see me they will leave the practice. That is not acceptable.

They all KNOW I wrote male because I am a "b" cup breast and don't look male. If i wasn't follicly challenged, I would never pass as male, even without make up.

I'm past this whole thread anyway. I have decided that my office is the safest place and I will stay there unless I'm needed. Lock the freak up.

I would appreciate your input Drea, so PM me with your thoughts. Their is always next time and knowledge is king.

Autumn

[JJ]

People bring their own prejudices and filters to anything they read and it is probable that the same people would have the same complaint regardless of what was said.

You did well and you did the right thing. Especially after the disappointment you had earlier.

Hang in there. I have a feeling it will get better. It's a bump in the road-a painful one. But you are still on the journey and that is what matters.

Hugs

Johnny

[Carolyn Marie]

Autumn, I think it is a fair and honest message, and I don't think you are asking too much of them. It would be interesting to hear some of the specific feedback from your co-workers, to know what their problems were, but I understand not doing so in a public forum.

I'll be honest with you, I think its a lot to ask your colleagues to call you by your female name when you are presenting male. It was hard enough for my co-workers to adjust at first, with me presenting as female. You might have told them that there would be no fallout if they made an honest mistake the first few times.

It will be even more confusing for the patients, if you want them to call you Nova, when they haven't had the benefit of the information you are giving your co-workers. It would not be my choice in your situation to ask your colleagues to have to explain it to them. I would suggest telling them to simply refer all questions to you, period. Anyway, patients really shouldn't be entitled to have any personal information about you. I don't think its their concern.

Lastly, I think your timetable for presenting as female should be yours, not your bosses, and not your co-workers. If you leave it to them, they may never give you the green light. Are you prepared to wait another 6 months, a year, 2 years? Living a dual life is no fun, and once you have all the legal niceties in place, you should have the right to live your life as you please. If the patients will leave the practice, then they will still do so 6 months from now, or a year from now. You will, in effect, be prisoner to their prejudices. That is your choice, but it seems very unfair.

I hope I don't come off as harsh. You asked for opinions, and I try to be honest.

Love

Carolyn Marie

[~Nova~]

Autumn, I think it is a fair and honest message, and I don't think you are asking too much of them. It would be interesting to hear some of the specific feedback from your co-workers, to know what their problems were, but I understand not doing so in a public forum.

I'll be honest with you, I think its a lot to ask your colleagues to call you by your female name when you are presenting male. It was hard enough for my co-workers to adjust at first, with me presenting as female. You might have told them that there would be no fallout if they made an honest mistake the first few times.

It will be even more confusing for the patients, if you want them to call you Nova, when they haven't had the benefit of the information you are giving your co-workers. It would not be my choice in your situation to ask your colleagues to have to explain it to them. I would suggest telling them to simply refer all questions to you, period. Anyway, patients really shouldn't be entitled to have any personal information about you. I don't think its their concern.

Lastly, I think your timetable for presenting as female should be yours, not your bosses, and not your co-workers. If you leave it to them, they may never give you the green light. Are you prepared to wait another 6 months, a year, 2 years? Living a dual life is no fun, and once you have all the legal niceties in place, you should have the right to live your life as you please. If the patients will leave the practice, then they will still do so 6 months from now, or a year from now. You will, in effect, be prisoner to their prejudices. That is your choice, but it seems very unfair.

I hope I don't come off as harsh. You asked for opinions, and I try to be honest.

Love

Carolyn Marie

I'm not asking the patients to call me Nova, only my co-workers. A name change, no matter what the name is, is just a name. If I had changed it to hiccup, I would have gotten the same responses. I did tell them, repeatedly in the e-mail that I understand it will take time.

I will not wait. I have already made my resume and as soon as my name is legal I will send it out. I'm not sure where I stand in this matter anyway. I have been told that the CEO said I could present female, I will clarify it tomorrow.

Another bump. Another broken axle.

Not sure how many I can replace before I junk the car.

Autumn.

[Guest Sascha]

Hi Autumn!

I applaud the step you took. It's difficult.

Ok, now for my opinion. I immediate read the quoted text without knowing what it was about. (I skipped the introduction and title, and don't have the full story. So it's fairly unbiased). I am honest: My first impression was that it sounds a bit distant when I read it. That's how I interpreted it. And it's all about interpretation... When someone argues with me, I always check back if I explained it correctly. If not, I write a correction. The reaction you'll get is usually how they interpreted it. So either the message isn't clear, or the message pas poorly conveyed.

I learned that there are three ways of writing: Descriptive, Instructive, and Expressive.

1. Descriptive: "I felt heartbroken..."

2. Instructive: "Do this, then..."

3. Expressive: "Yikes..."

Usually, people don't like number 2, but you can get away with 1 and 3.