How do you deal with kids' questions?

[Guest Talon]

How do you ladies and gents deal with kids' inappropriate questions? I'm just gonna rant for a little bit and then ask for your help

There are many children in my family and I am around them quite often. I love hanging out with children, I really do, but it's no secret that they ask stuff that comes across as very impertinent, sassy, uncomfortable and even rude to grown-ups. Even if the kids didn't intend to act badly.

I buzzed my hair short and buffed up quite a bit and look more like a guy than ever. I am going on T soon. Lately I have been getting so many questions and comments from all these kids around me. Usually I am fairly good at handling it because I really like those little brats. But it's becoming a bit much and it will only increase over the next little while.

Some days I have energy and confidence and feel like I can totally deal with explaining my situation to kids. The whole "Most people feel like they are in sync with their body but for some people blah blah..." Sometimes I feel down and I ask the kids to stop asking because I don't want to talk about this. Today this little 11 year old bugger really got on my nerves and I got so angry. Not with him personally, he's just a kid, but I couldn't handle it. I finally raised my voice and asked him to stop talking to me. He kept saying "you look like a boy, you look like a boy", "hey, BOY!", "Why do you want to be a boy!?", "You're so weird!", "You still don't have a wiener" aso. aso. It all became too much for me. I HATE this crap. I jokingly asked my father "Can't we throw the kids outside for a while?" and my dear Dad said "Stop being silly".... I HATE this crap and it ruined my night. Just trying to get in a better mood again.

I am worried now because I am thinking ahead on around the dinner table-scenes and things like that when I will have to answer these inopportune questions from little kids in front of a bunch of family members. It's so embarrassing and it really, really crosses my lines when they ask about what I have in my pants and that kind of stuff in front of the grown-up family. I just realized that this will be something to learn to deal with in my transition.

So I would just like to hear how you all deal with stuff like this? Do you have any replies that usually work well for you or something helpful to keep in mind when you talk to kids about it? Have you ever had to ask parents to control their kids and have you ever had trouble with these things?

Thank you so much for your help. It makes me feel stronger every time I am down to know that all you guys and girls are in here and in the same boat

Love,

Talon.

[Guest JaniceW]

Teaching kids what is acceptable and what is not is as important as giving them facts bout stuff. Telling an 11 year old that they are being out of line with their questions is totally appropriate. At 11 they are old enough to understand that you've told them they stepped over a line. Often a simple, "That is a bit too personal of a question." can work.

[Guest SuperKali]

This Wednesday I had something just like that happen. My cousin who is about 11 outed me to a room full of strangers quite loudly. Sadly I didn't handle it well at all. I called him a "male appendage" and stormed off. I feel bad about it now, but at the time I was just so embarrassed and mad that he wouldn't drop it after I quietly asked him to stop that I couldn't hold it back.

That was the first time it ever happened to me, though, so hopefully I will have better control in the future.

[JJ]

often 11 year olds are pushing boundaries just to see how far they can go. Sort of prepping for those teen years ahead. You need to stay firm and in control because with kids-and adults-when you lose your cool they score. As Janice said telling them that a question is inappropriate or too personal is fine. If a parent is around they SHOULD at that point intervene if the kid persists because they are being flagrantly rude. But that sadly doesn't always happen. If it doesn't you can ask them to leave the room or table if you have the authority, or tell them you won't speak with them as long as they are out of line. But do it as calmly as you can.

Many times the questions are real curiosity and a desire to understand but when asked to stop or told you don't want to discuss it then it becomes something else entirely and needs to be halted as would any other inappropriate behavior. When it is curiosity maybe a short question and answer session and then an explanation that it isn't something you will discuss at mealtime will help before you all actually sit down together.

Johnny

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

Luckily in my case, when I came out to parents, they talked to their children about it. If need be, I'll play the "go ask your mom" card. It buys some time to regroup and figure out what to say, plus parents seem to be really good at handling awkward questions and if it's something they want the other person to answer or if it's something they prefer to handle.

Sorry my reply wasn't very helpful. I just turn the kids back around to go ask their mom.

[Guest Talon]

Thank you for sharing I'll keep the staying in control thing in mind and probably also play the "ask your Mom" card if it gets too much Will just try to keep my cool and remember that I am the one setting boundaries and I have the right to stop the questions are take the discussion elsewhere.

Thanx!

Talon.

[VickySGV]

Only thing I can add really, is Keep your answers short and simple! 11 year olds will get about 8 words maximum out of anything you say. The more complex your answer to them, the more snottiness they will shoot at you. They are covering up for the fact they did not understand or fully hear your.

"Lets talk about this with your dad or mom" is another little gimmick that I have used. But Johnny and the others who have said "you keep the control" have given you the major advice.,

[Guest Talon]

Thanks, Vicky!

[Guest Ney'ite]

One thing I think some times people overlook . . . asking a person who is trans what they have in their pants (or ANYTHING of any personal nature) is really no different than asking someone if they have had a vasectomy or a hysterectomy or any other personal question. People think that just because someone is trans, it gives them ANY right to ask whatever they want, and they just disguise it under "I am just curious" - sorry for my rant but this is one topic that really peeves me. There is a time and place to explain genuine questions about trans topics, but NEVER about yourself. Period. Ok, just my 2¢ ranting.

[Guest Talon]

Bettet, you make so much sense Everybody has a right to privacy! Thanks

[Guest Erwynn]

Don't overexplain. I used to make that mistake a lot in general with kids (including mine). I find that simply answering or not answering the actual question at hand is all they need. You are always within your rights to not answer.

I have a little friend who is paying more attention than a lot of the grownups around her, and she tells me I look like a man. My answer is "Guess so." It's all she requires at 6 years old. Great age. ;-) 11 is harder, but my son and stepson who are that age really don't want more information than they asked for, either. They just ask more.

[Guest Tobiaskun]

I babysit many children at my home, actually. This is always a subject I come across, and I probably don't use the best methods every time.

My parents aren't supportive of the transition thing, so i'm not allowed to be called a male in the house. However, all the children tend to ask "Are you a boy or a girl?" most times I say, "Don't worry about it, do you want to play a game?" This normally tends to work, but they're much younger than eleven. They're about six and under. When I do that, they tend to read me as male anyway. Until my little step-sister, 5, ruins it by constantly correcting he to she.

I gave a really long explaination to one child who was about seven or eight, it only prompted him to ask more questions, so I just told him that we could talk about it when I was read to. It held him off, and he hasn't asked since. Asking them to respect privacy may help?

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Fortunately (or unfortunately...) there are no children in my life.....Hence, there's no explaining to them....

And consequently I've never been questioned by any kids in private or public.....

But, I do think an 11 year old is old enough to understand when it's explained ....

Huggs

Dee Jay

[Guest ranse]

Keep in mind an 11-year-old is just about to hit puberty, and is suddenly going through all the identity formation stuff we all go through. He's trying to figure out his own place in the world and part of that is by defining everyone else around him so he can see where he fits in the spectrum. Keep it as light as you can, but don't feel obligated to answer questions you're not comfortable answering.

If these are members of the family, then you have a right to your privacy and your family should respect that. Enlist the adults to help out. Explain to the boy's parents that he's asking a lot of questions. Most parents will want to be the ones to guide a kid through these kinds of questions. (Yes, you run the risk of them not explaining things well or giving him untrue information, but it is their job, not yours.)

You don't have to be rude or a jerk; just tell him, "I don't want to talk about this right now." If he keeps badgering you, calmly call one of the adults over and say, "Please tell X to stop asking me questions."

My own kids and their friends (mostly in the age range of 6-14, don't notice and don't care about me looking male/androgynous. Small kids at the playground sometimes ask if I'm a Mommy or a Daddy and I don't really answer. They might ask as second time and if I still don't answer, they drop it. Maybe rude, but I don't need to explain myself to strangers on the playground.

People around me give me weird looks, but I've only had one person ask about why I dress like I do. Everyone else is either too polite or they really don't care.

[Guest Talon]

Yeah I think I forgot that at 11 they may ask out of real curiosity about the world they are about to go into. It makes me feel more secure and prepared to read about how you all deal with it. I think, if the little guy asks too much again, I'll ask him directly to respect that I don't want to talk about it at that point and then if I get him alone I'll tell him what he wants to know. Assuming it's something I'll want to answer. And then probably tell him thank you for respecting my privacy.

Also, I'll keep in mind that kids may not want anything more than a simple short answer so no reason to try to explain the whole birds, bees and butterflies thing if they're satisfied with a short answer.

Big thank you all of you

Talon

[Guest ranse]

One other thing I was thinking about with the 11-14 group is that boys use a lot of teasing and semi-bullying behavior to establish rank. It sounds like that's also part of what he's doing with you. On the one hand, it's annoying and rude of him, but on the other, he may be trying to figure out how to accept you as part of his world. Rub snot on him the next time he opens his mouth and say, "ya mad, bro?!"

[Sakura]

I love children, their unrestrained honesty is the trait i admirer most in them. want an honest opinion or really want to know if you pass, no BS included , ask a child.

though you may be looking to the wrong person to correct. i have a theroy that children that have these odd questions or overtly rude remarks are prolly getting them or are influnced by their parents or other adults they are close to. i have never once been questioned about my gender by a child who's parents did not know about me, but step over to my family were every one knows me . and all the young kids (4-8) specially in the early parts of my transition when every one (adults) were still having questions and opinions about it. thier kids would ask me some of thee damndest questions i have ever been asked in the whole course of my transition. and the thing i noticed is they all sounded eeriely close to the questions thier parents had.

this is a theroy i find re-enforced by my mother and oldest niece . my mom out of my whole family had the biggest issue with my transition. her favorite argument to it was " your just confused " me and my niece have been close. since the day she was born my heart has been wrapped around that kids finger. i took her every were with me, and when i came out it barely made a ripple with her. even when she noticed it was a comical little kid remark. she outted me to every one we came across. it didn't hurt me i expected it she had known me as uncle *sakuras male name * for the entire span of her short life so i couldn't be mad at her . but it was the way she explained me to people which angered me a bit " this is my uncle *sakuras male name * he's a boy that thinks he's a girl, but he's just confused" sound familar ? also notice the parents are slow to hush thier kids when they ask these questions . has to be something to it.

Sakura

[Guest Talon]

Sakura, that is remarkable...

Maybe if one kid especially is giving you a hard time one should turn to his/her parents and ask them if there's anything they'd like explained...

Good point, thanks for the post

Talon.