To My Teacher

[Guest Damond]

So I came out to my English teacher today. Kind of an odd person to come out to, maybe. I had her my freshman year as well, but it's not like she was every really that teacher that I absolutely loved (not that I dislike her either). But I have her again this year as a senior, for first period. Because of stressing out with all of this being trans, I have been losing sleep and therefore falling asleep in her class and/or constantly arriving late. Either from my freshman year, or the start of the school year, she's realized that "it isn't quite like me". She's asked a few times if I'm okay, or if there was anything going on at home. I told her it was something personal that I was dealing with and I wasn't sleeping well.

Well, the next week she asks me about it again and I tell her the same thing, and that I was seeing a school counselor about it.

She followed up on that. She talked to my alphabetical counselor, who was not the one I had been talking to. I told her which one I was talking to, and she seemed satisfied with that.

Another week later, I had a fight with my mom because I had been waking up late and she wanted to ground me for it. I was upset because I felt like I couldn't help it if I was sleeping well and didn't want to get in trouble for it. I was next to crying walking into my English class, only to realize I had a free verse poem due that day that I had forgotten about. I asked to turn it in later and my teacher let me. Maybe not the best thing to do, but I just vented all my feelings out in it and turned it in. "This is my addiction, this thought" (being trans) and "I just want to get it out, but I'm so afraid things will go wrong" (coming out to my parents) she took it as suicude.

She talked to my alphabetical counselor again, since the one I had been talking to was out on leave.

Today I stopped in after school to ask something of the assignment she had given us in class, only she held me back to talked; pointedly about my free verse that I had turned in.

I told her it wasn't suicide, and that it required some open-mindedness about it. She told me to go ahead and tell her, so I said it was more about being transgendered.

Hell, I was scared. When I first came out to the counselor I had been talking to, I had started crying. I managed not to cry, though I felt like I was going to.

I told her that the free verse wasn't anything about self-harm, but more constantly thinking about being trans--questions and so on that were keeping me up at night, and how I was scared to come out to my parents.

She was honestly glad that's what it was, and even spent some time talking to me about it. She asked how she thought my parents would handle it, how I was doing since I hadn't been able to see the school counselor in a couple of weeks because of surgery. I told her I was seeing a proffessional at the end of this week, and she asked if I had enough money and so on to pay for it. She was glad I was going to see someone specialized in it, and since we're on break next week, wants me to e-mail her how it goes on Friday.

Really, she's a mom of two young boys (7 and 4 or so) and I figured she was going to be conservative if I told her... but she was cool about it. She said if I had another fight with my mom in the morning and needed to go walk around the school for a few minutes to calm down, she would let me out of class to do so.

I think my biggest fear of telling her though, is that my dad works at the same school. He is literally two classroom doors down from my English teacher, and I even told her that I was afraid of talking to people at school about it because I don't want it getting around to my dad.

She told me that in this case, she wouldn't see him as Mr. -last name- the teacher, but rather as a parent. And because she knows him on a somewhat personal level, if she was ever concerned about me hurting myself, that she would actually go to my mom first, to keep it teacher-to-parent and not coworker-to-coworker.

My english teacher has been my greatest fear in coming out to someone. All of my friends are open minded, and when I told them they were okay with it and I knew that when I decided to tell them. With my teacher, I didn't know. It's nice to know that if I do have another bad morning with my mom or something, she'll try to help me with it, and is a little more understanding about why I've been falling asleep or late to her class.

[JJ]

It sounds like you found an ally ans supporter there. Something that should make a real difference in your life.

It's all too easy and all too common for a teacher to ask what's wrong once and let it drop. She sounds like she really cares. She sounds like a good teacher.

Funny but I have always been prepared for people to be negative or judgmental when I disclose to them. And even in this ultra conservative area so far it hasn't happened even once. We alawys seem to expect things to be worse.

I'm glad that it has turned out so well

Johnny