Feeling Somewhat Guilty

[Guest OutOfSorts180]

I haven't come out yet to my spouse or my family. Still seeing my GT. Have had 3 sessions and my 4th is coming up this Wednesday.

However, during all of this time, I'm feeling a bit guilty in that I'm keeping this "secret" from my family. My visits to my GT is done in stealth mode. As for how I'm interacting with my family and friends, I'm pretending to be my normal "male" self. And all the time thinking about my GT sessions and waiting (hopefully) to do HRT. And then of course, what this will do to upset the apple cart and change everyone's lives.

Did any of you also have feelings of guilt and if so, how did you deal with it?

Sigh.

[Guest GinaInside]

Hi,

You are not alone! I feel guilty every time I look at a Woman!

For me, it is a constant struggle to remind myself that I did'nt choose this. We have an issue that began before we were born.

I deal with the guilt, shame, and pain on a moment to moment basis. My incessant drill is "OK self, take a deep breath, try not to puke or burst into tears, and focus on surviving the next moment."

I learned the hard way, that the harder you try to bottle it up, the worse it becomes, and can make matters worse, not just for yourself, but others.

I wish you all the best in dealing with this, my heart goes out to you.

Hugz,

Gina Renee

[JJ]

For the decades I kept the secret of the life inside my head I felt guilty. For the times I said in more honesty and truth than they ever guessed "No one on this earth really knows me" I felt guilty. For not being able to ever give all of myself because my heart had to stay hidden I felt guilty.

Discovering that I was actually transgendered and what that meant freed me from that guilt at last. I am not guilty because I am trans. I didn't cause it and can't change it. It is just a fact about me. Like having blue eyes or Lupus. I don't apologize for that either though I do often feel guilty that it sometimes limits what I can do and how much I can be here. Never realized that before I started answering this. Guess it makes no more sense to feel guilty over the effects of Lupus on my family than it does the effects of trans.

I think this topic just helped me with a problem in my life I never really realized till now

Thanks!

Johnny

[Guest OutOfSorts180]

Thanks Gina and Johnny for your thoughts.

You know...actually, I'm not so much feeling guilty about myself being trans. What I'm really feeling guity about is the pretense / lie that I'm presenting to my wife and family. They have no earthly idea how I feel. And until I complete my therapy, hopefully get the "letter" and start HRT and then come out, I'm having to pretend that I'm happy -- that everything is "normal."

So...once agian --- sigh.

And to be honest, I also feel just a bit guilty that I'm going to be upsetting their lives. They didn't ask for this. Of course, neither did I. But as of this moment I feel very determined to see this through. To become the female that I really am.

So...double sigh.