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[Guest OutOfSorts180]

So...for the girls out there who are in the processing of transitioning or have already transitioned, how do different people in your life refer to you? And what is your preference?

• What does your wife call you? Husband? Partner? Spouse? Best Friend?
  
• What do your kids call you? By your new female name? Dad? Mom??? An aunt?
  
• What about your son-in-law? Father-in-law? Just in-law? Your new female name?
  
• And when the time comes, what about grand kids? Do they call you grand pa? Grand ma?
  

Unfortunately, since our culture doesn't have ready labels for these types of scenarios, I'm really interested in how you girls have dealt with this.

Thanks in advance.

[Guest]

I don't have children, but do have many nieces and nephews. They were quick to start calling me Aunt Megan - so heartwarming! I've been married more than 30 years, and we still refer to ourselves as husband and wife at times, but more often we just say that we're soulmates. My mother-in-law asked me how she should refer to me, and I was at a loss - there aren't convenient terms that don't require a long explanation. I left it up to her.

I'm sure that many gay couples experience the same awkwardness when it comes to our language. It has all of those implications that a couple must be man and woman. Perhaps others here can help with some more ideas?

Love Megan

[Guest Risu]

Once upon a time, my gramma called me gay and labled any guys interested in me as being gay.

My grandfather calls me he, she and it, all at once.

Neither care for my new name but in public both will use it along with proper pronouns.

Today my grandmother says I'm not gay or part of the gay community, but she still hasn't figured out exactly what to make of me if I'm not gay, and I'm not normal, and I'm not straight.

my friends who know I am trans refer to me as a she and call me by a female name when we're out in public without even blinking, although one of my close friends whose a guy still occasionally calls me dude or man sometimes, he really tries hard not to slip up so I don't make any fuss. We've been friends for 13 years now or so, so he definitely knew me when and I can understand how hard it would be to completely change your way of thinking about and identifying someone. I am grateful for their friendship.

There is this guy that I like who I am pretty close to, and he said there is a famous quote that he loves, and he shared it with me when I was in tears over the very subject of labels and identity.

Kierkegaard said: "To label me is to negate me".

in my case, I find this very true because some of the labels my family will sometimes use are not even close to being how I identify myself.

Hopefully someone who can offer better advice will be along soon.

*Hugs*

~Risu.

[Guest John Chiv]

Each individual has a different situation and scenario. There is no information in your post about cultural or religious influences to consider. What stage of your transition you are at? So I am going to say that first, how out are you and are you asking for private or public? Same question about others. I don't have kids but I would give them more time to adjust than adults.And if the kids are adults, then I would still discuss first with your wife.And also talk to her about others. If she is supportive of your transition. If she is struggling, then it will be harder but not impossible. Are you seeing a therapist?

Having a neutral party and a professional sort this out will be helpful. Some people prefer partner, soulmates, I prefer husband and wife. It's about what feels right to you and then working towards that goal. If everyone is supportive, then you pick the term you want and ask to be addressed with the proper pronoun.

John

[Guest OutOfSorts180]

but more often we just say that we're soulmates.

Megan: I love that --- soulmates. I'm praying that when I come out, she'll be accepting and supportive and that we can also be soulmates. I'd love that very much.

My grandfather calls me he, she and it, all at once.

Risu: Sheesh. That's got to be tough. At least it sounds like you have very good and understanding friends..

John: Not exactly sure how cultural or religious influences would affect how we should be called other than to highlight that at least in our vocabulary, there are no "labels" for folks like us. Maybe that is the cultural influence? As for where I'm at in my transition, I'm seeing a therapist, haven't come out yet to the family, and hopefully within 3 weeks time I'll be on HRT (based on therapist letter of recommendation). These questions/labels --- I've already discussed with my therapist. He acknowledges that our vocabulary doesn't address this. So he's asked what I think. Well...I'm now asking how the rest of you have dealt with this. <smile>

And come the end of the day...I like what you said, "it's about what feels right to you".

[JJ]

It has taken 10 months for my daughter to get comfortable with calling me anything but Mother. It was complicated by the fact that I raised her as a single parent and she is an only child and bitterly despises her alcoholic father with whom she has limited but negative contact. She just can't switch to Dad yet but now introduces me as her parent. She thought that was going to be awkward but after a few introductions and no reactions from people she started to relax and feel comfortable with that. Think I may start signing my texts that way Parent is something I can live with.

My 11 year old granddaughter reluctantly changed from Grammy to Grampy but this last month that has morphed into Grandpa. Not my favorite appellation but it is what all the kids around here call their grandfathers. She seems to be happy with it so I am too.

And daughter's S/O calls me JJ but if talking about a conversation about me with my daughter runs through the gamut Mother/Dad/Parent every time like one long name. It'll slowly resolve. He did say yesterday that it has been hard because he first met me 12 years ago as a woman and has always thought that way but I have become so male to him that it is freaking him out.

Funny how what people call you is so definitive of how they see you and so laen with their emotional reaction to the transition.

[Guest Mia J]

My spouse and I use spouse, partner, or mate to talk or refer to each other.

Most people now call me Mia or MJ.

Mia

[Guest John Chiv]

The cultural and religious I asked because I wanted to know if they were factors affecting how out you are or will be.Your second response gave me abit bit more information, and I I like my response about "what feels right for you"

John

[Guest OutOfSorts180]

Thanks JJ and Mia for sharing.

As I think more and more on this, I don't think I want my kids to call me "mom." I didn't mother them when they were raised and I think it would be taking credit away from my wife to be called "mom." I also think I'm good with just "parent" when being introduced.to others. But I think it would sound weird to have your kids call you "parent" as a name. I think when the time comes, they can call me by whatever female name I pick (I think I have one picked out yet, but not yet ready to reveal it!) OR to be called "dad" if that's what they feel comfortable with. It won't really bother me.

John --- fyi, I intend to first come out to my wife sometime after I've started HRT and then shortly afterward, to my kids and the rest of my family. As for outside the family, not intending to come out until it's more obvious something is physically happening to me.

[Guest kelise]

My girlfriend refers to me as...her girlfriend. If we get married, she will be my wife and I will be her wife. She is a lesbian and so am I.

[Guest Donna Jean]

My girlfriend refers to me as...her girlfriend. If we get married, she will be my wife and I will be her wife. She is a lesbian and so am I.

Ditto.............

Donna Jean

[Guest Gwendolyn Elizabeth]

The kids and i are still trying to figure out what they are gonna call me. But ill let yall know when we come up with something.