Coming Out To Wife and HRT

[Guest OutOfSorts180]

All:

I've kind of asked this question before in other topics, but didn't really get a good feel for how you married girls (in this case), handled your particular situations. Especially those like me who are late transitioners (50+).

My current plan is to wait until I've been doing HRT for a while. Up until or just before physical changes started to be apparent. As I've been reading up on the effects of HRT on MTFs, the timing on when physical effects can start to show varies. Some as soon as a month, an average of 3 months and sometimes longer.

So...what I was wondering --- how many of you were on HRT and how long, before you came out to your wife? And if you were on HRT for "a while" and before you were ready to come out, how did you hide your changes from your wife?

Thanks in advance for sharing your experiences.

Love and hugs to all.

[Carolyn Marie]

I told my wife roughly five months before I began HRT. I hid my therapy from her for three months, and I just didn't want to hide things any more. I would have felt very badly if I had taken that last step, taking hormones, without telling her.

What I did and when I did it was right for me. It is not necessarily the right thing for others. We all chart our own paths on this journey. I offer advice, but won't tell you that its the right way. Only you will know that for yourself.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest OutOfSorts180]

Thanks Carolyn for sharing. I guess I'm a bit of a "chicken" in that I feel like if I tell her before I start HRT, somehow, I'll get talked out of it. So...in a way, I'm using HRT as a bit of crutch to show how strongly I feel and how committed I am to going through with the transition. But..I also do feel a bit guilty in not discussing this with her up front and I'm sure there will be some hurt feelings. So...I hope that once all is said and done, that she'll forgive me and allow me/us to stay together.

Wish me luck.

[Guest Jaded1]

If I may be so bold (you did ask for advice afterall) this sounds like a bad idea all around.

I don't know you, nor your wife nor the status of your relationship but being trans and going through transitioning takes a LOT of courage and more importantly, honesty with ones self.

Starting this change with you being sneaky and dishonest to your wife will not play well with you or her in the long run. All you are doing is delaying the inevitable.

Either she is going to not accept you and leave you or she will accept you and all will be fine, but doing all this behind her back only to think that she won't feel betrayed and resentful that you kept such a large part of your life hidden from her and made decisions that effect both of you without even giving her the opportunity to weigh in will definately not help the strength of your relationship.

That is my two cents, take it or leave it but you can not even begin to be honest with yourself unless you can be honest with those closest to you.

[Guest OutOfSorts180]

Thanks Jaded1 for sharing your advice. In many respects, it is excellent advice and I really don't disagree with the points you've made, especially about being honest.

At a minimum, I'm not intending to come out until after the Christmas holidays. I don't want to ruin or take away from the holidays due to my "desires." But...since I'm still in stealth mode, that does conflict with the timings I have with completing my therapies and then my initial appointment with the endocrinologist..

So...I guess I'm still contemplating how to play this out.

[Cyndee]

Everyone's situation is unique. But honesty is the best policy, I try to live by those words, especially to my wife and family, I really love them and expect the same in return.

I told my wife about my transgendered feelings and past before we got married over 26 years ago, back then all I knew is I liked to wear women's clothes. I had no idea back then I would end up being TS.

I told my wife last year I was going to see a therapist for my "condition" before my first appointment summer before last. This was really hard then, as she was beginning to realize at this point I was struggling with it. I entered the therapy process with her knowledge.

I told my wife that I was diagnosed last December and was offered HRT referral then. I told her I declined the offer back then, and was going to not take hormones then (big mistake), as I really thought I could move forward in life without medicine (my thick head) and did so for about 7 months. My condition continued to get worse. I was offered a 2nd referral by my therapist late last spring, and this time I realized I needed more help. I told my wife I had a prescription on Father's day this year. It was hell, huge emotional exchanges, I am wiping a tear from my fingers just typing this, as I really feel for her loss. I took my first dose on 7/15 with her knowledge, this was very hard and it's still an emotional topic for us. Just last night I was talking about it, at least now the "emo" has died down a bit, and somewhat rational discussions are occurring. I can't run from who I am, that's all, and she is with me (all of me).

Best of luck to you,

Cynthia -

[JJ]

Although all my work centered around child issues I do have a whole lot of experience working with families because the parent's issues impacted the situation and often had to be resolved.

I am a huge proponent of honesty.

All other considerations aside trust is the foundation for healthy working relationships and dishonesty damages or destroys that trust. I also don't want to sound harsh and do understand your motivation but you have essentially said she and the relationship are not as important to you as what you want to do by arranging it so she can't have any input till after the fact. I will be very surprised if that betrayal is not the biggest problem when you tell her. Others usually cannot fathom the drive to transition and how strong it can be.

But it's done to some extent now and what needs to be done is minimize the damage. I agree that this would not be a good time to disclose with the holidays and all the emotion that surrounds them. But my recommendation would be to sit down and have a long talk a few days after the holidays. The day after usually isn't good either-people are usually tired and stressed and even out of sorts from changed eating habits the day before. When you do talk lay it out with a profuse apology-not for being trans which is beyond your control-but for the deceit which was something you could control.

It's going to be a rough time at best. She will probably need to vent and it is actually a good thing if she does from what I have observed. If you are prepared for her reaction and can remain calm and rational even if she really goes off it will help keep things more contained and perhaps not escalate it too far. This is a tragic situation for you both but she is losing something vitally important in her life while you are gaining becoming your true self. So you are not experiencing the same thing. The more you can accept her pain and be there for her the better it will be for your eventual relationship whether you remain a couple or not.

As far as a timeline. There is no rush in this. You will have to be patient over and over and over again so a few days or weeks delay in your plan should be worth it for the sake of your relationship. If it isn't then I'm not sure the relationship is important enough to you for the fight and work it is going to take to save it.

Sorry if I sounded harsh. Sometimes realities are harsh. I understand your motivation and hope this all turns out well for you in the end.

Johnny

[Guest Cyndi]

I'd have to echo the sound advice given by the others here. If you're not honest up front before beginning your transformation, I'm not sure your wife would be accepting of anything else in your relationship.

Before I got married, I told her about my dressing, so that was out in the open. Just this year I've explained about my needing to take it further and we've been having many discussions about transitioning, and shedding quite a few tears. But if I want to try and hold on to my marriage, and I DO, I feel that being open and honest with her is the only way. She's having a hard enough time coping and understanding my issues without having them sprung on her with no warning.

Like Johnny said, honesty can make the difference in you holding on to a valued relationship (in whatever form it may become) or losing that person forever.

Best of luck,

Cyndi

[Guest Robin Winter]

I came out to my wife first and foremost. She was the first person to know after myself, before I even sought therapy. I think that if you hope to have your wife's support in this and keep your marriage in tact, you should tell her before transitioning. It might be good to get a therapist before talking to her, if you haven't already. They may be able to help with how to approach her with it.

I think the most common reaction from spouses of people in our situation is that they initially feel lied to, regardless of our reasons for keeping it hidden, or even if we didn't really know ourselves right away. I think that doing something as monumental as starting HRT without first talking to her will only reinforce that.

That's just my two cents though. You have to do what you feel is right.

[Guest Kael147]

I'm not an MTF, but I have a wife and kids.

I told my wife long before I told myself I would make a change. I'm 40 and just starting my transition and I have early teenaged kids.

My wife has struggled with what her identity will be after I transition. Being a lesbian (as I'm sure being a heterosexual woman, wife, mother etc) has been so central as part of her identity. We've had to do a lot of talking and she needed time to get herself into the same spot as I am. She is now my greatest ally with my other friends and family as I go out on my quest of coming out!

I think the betrayal will be as hard, if not harder, than the actual fact that you are transgender. I'm told that there are a lot of folks whose marriages survive transition and I'm holding on to that hope. We all need support and to know what life might be like - after and one sure way to know if your wife supports you is to share yourself with her honestly, openingly and compassionately.

Best of luck,

Kael

[Guest]

I will echo majority here, having come out to my wife over three years ago. At that time, I was uncertain of my direction, and my wife happily accepted me as a crossdresser. This year, it became apparent that transition was my path. I saw a GT in January and started HRT in April. I tried to communicate each step of this to my wife; there were some failures due to her bipolar condition. Those places where there were communication lapses became problematic, even though they were only a matter of days unresolved.

Your spouse needs to transition with you, if you're going to continue your relationship. She needs as much time as possible to adapt. Please tell her as soon as you can.

Love, Megan

[Guest OutOfSorts180]

All:

Wow. I really and truly appreciate all of your thoughts and advice. It means a lot to me that you've all taken time to share your thoughts on this. I've got to admit, under any other circumstance, I myself would be offering up the same advice....honesty! It's kind of funny/ironic in that I'm the one that usually is giving advice. It's like the tables have been turned on me and I'm saying, "Do as I say, not as I do." Sheesh.

Yet...I'm still conflicted. Some of you had already given your spouse some inkling of how you've felt. In my case, this is really going to come out of nowhere. And...knowing how much I love my wife, I thought that if I forced the issue, that would help me in seeing through my desire to transition. My fear is/was that if I first come out and talk to her, I know how she's going to react. She's not going to like it. And I seriously doubt that she would be supportive, although as some of you have shared, you were surprised at the support you got. Maybe I'm just too much of a pessimist in this regard. In any case, I can see where we would talk, probably argue (and yell) and in the end, to maintain harmony, I would just say "OK, I won't go through with it." And then I'd live with regret for the rest of my life.

However, I really want to take all of your advice to heart. So...I haven't really decided what I'm going to do. In the interim, I still have 2 more sessions with my GT. I will talk to him some more about this and make some kind of final decision in another week or so. I've also gone ahead and made my first appointment with the endo. I can always cancel if need be. Or...I can at least get the hormones, but not take them until after I've had the talk with my wife.

Sorry...I just feel like I'm somewhat stuck between the proverbial rock and a hardspot. Dammed if I do start HRT without talking to my wife first. Dammed if I don't as I could end up not doing anything and she'll now know I'm "weird.".

As for my original plan, It's almost like another proverbial saying, "It's easier to ask for forgiveness then to ask for permission."

Which leads me to this follow-up question to all of you...if I do take your advice and talk to my wife first and she comes out totally against it, what do I do? Do I still then start on the HRT anyways, but at least with the knowledge I didn't do it in secret? Or...do I not do anything until and if she ever says (begrudgingly) ok, go do it?

[JJ]

That question seems to me to be one that only you can really answer. I personally would have to assess the cost and my own need to transition. In my own life I reached a point where I had to transition or die. My options ran out. But it took a long time. I am very sorry that I didn't discover that I could do this, that I had the options years ago because every single one of those years was spent in misery and is now forever gone for me. That's just me.

You have to be strong enough to make this decision if it is what you want and need, regardless of what anyone else says, if you are doing to be strong enough to make it through transition-again just my opinion. But if your wife can talk you out of doing what is right maybe you aren't really ready for this step. It takes a lot of determination and commitment even when no one is opposing you. There are so many things you will encounter within yourself that you just can't anticipate. The early stages when you are changed but not quite enough is particularly hard. Some days even with an iron will and absolute conviction that this is not only right but essential for me, I just want to quit and go back to the peace and safety I knew.

What I'm saying is you have to be strong and take responsibility and make the commitment if you are going to do this.

And I don't expect your relationship to survive if you don't tell her first. No guarantee it will either way sadly but by not telling her first you are stacking the deck against yourself. I AM trans and I understand but frankly I would not feel I could stay with anyone who practiced a deceit of that level against me and the relationship. Trans I could deal with but deceit I can't and won't. I'm not unusual in that either.

But it has to be your choice. You are the one who has to pay the price when all is said and done. You and your wife.

Johnny

[Guest OutOfSorts180]

Johnny. You've said some very hard/tough things for me to hear. And...I do appreciate you saying them. I really do understand about trust honesty or conversely the deceit. It's not what I want to do or be...deceitful. But...it's easier said then done. As I've posted else where, I am a Christian and as a Christian I don't want to be deceitful or dishonest. So...I guess bottom line, I really just need to pray about this and put all of this in his hands.

Sigh.

[Guest OutOfSorts180]

Also...I hope that no matter what I end up doing/deciding, good or bad, honest or deceitful (sigh), that I can still count on all of you for support. In the short time I've been a member, I have come to love this community.

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Yes, Hon........you can count on the support....no one is telling you what to do because they haven't been there already...

Experience is talking....

You said that some of the girls here had given hints or even told spouses outright how they felt years ago....

That is also true.....

But, some of us never realized what was wrong with us....and fought it hard!

I thought I was "perverted" or "mentally ill" for most of my life until I found out that I am transsexual...

My wife never had a clue.....I was, for most purposes, all male....

I served in combat in Vietnam....

I was a cop in Miami...

I was a Harley rider....

I was a "male" to the best of my ability....

I finally hit the wall...

Went to the therapist and found out what my problem was....

I now live full time and I'm one happy woman...

I want to say....I also vote for honesty....

If you have ANY chance for staying together....don't blow it by starting HRT unilaterally! She will feel left out of a VERY important decision and the words "Deceit" and "Lie" will be in every conversation you have from now on....

Give her and you a chance...tell her before you start HRT! If it goes badly from that point, at least you will know that you gave it an honest shot....

Best of luck, Hon......

Huggs

Dee Jay

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

First, I agree with your idea about waiting until after Christmas, New Year's Day, et cetera. Then, I'd say come out to her in your own way and time but definitely do so. I did exactly that 3 years ago ... and came out to my then-wife in early February. Of all people, after much misery, SHE recommended I seek therapy with a gender therapist which I began that April.

Second, I'm 56, so I'm an age contemporary of yours, so I share you concerns: Wife, kid, new house (mortgage), career, neighbors, church, et cetera, the whole nine yards. Been there. Done that. Seen it. I know what you're going through (ALL of us older gals and guys here do).

Third, my story very much parallels Donna Jean's story just above. Of course, I didn't do Viet Nam, because President Nixon stop it 2 months before I enlisted in the U.S. Marines back in 1975. However, I did the ooh-rah, macho-man trip by joining "The Corps" and the whole nine yards involved with that. I did bodybuilding and got muscled-up and buff. Heck, I was even on good terms with some of the goodfellas by way of other acquaintences. They liked me, but they did NOT like most guys and NOBODY would mess with these guys ... even the cops (individually, that is). All I can tell you is, like Donna Jean, I knew SOMETHING was wrong, REALLY wrong, but I didn't know exactly WHAT was wrong with and about me. Nearly drove me crazy. Heck, I thought I was crazy and a perv just like Donna Jean says.

My point? If you BELIEVE you may be transsexual, there's a pretty good chance that you are. See a qualified and experienced gender therapist and let THEM decide this for you once you are actually able to do so.

Oh, by the way, I'll be on hormones for 2 years in just over 2 weeks. My marriage? History. My transition is a difficult one. That photo of me here is from one year ago last week. Worth transitioning? I don't know yet. Honestly, I OFTEN think of detransitioning; however, I'm in a Catch-22 Situation: Darned if I do; darned if I don't. Actually, I don't pass, you see. What to do? Androgyny? Who knows? Not me.

Wait until after the upcoming holidays, I agree. DO come out and be honest though for the reasons everybody already told you on here. Gender therapist? By all means. Hormones for you? Be totally honest with your gender therapist and decide together on what to do.

Happy Holidays Lacey Lynne

[Guest OutOfSorts180]

Lacey Lynne and Donna Jean:

I really appreciate your sharing and your advice. It does help to know that you and others are my peers in age and circumstance.

To be honest, I was totally surprised at how strong everyone has been in coming out for "honesty" before doing HRT. Not that that's bad. It's actually good. Maybe I was naive, but I had just assumed that there would have been folks here in my same type situation who did HRT in stealth mode for a short period of time before coming out to their spouse. Evidently not.

Unlike you girls, I did not enlist (or get drafted -- lottery number of 320 something in 1971-2) into the military nor did I do anything "super" macho. Just an "ordinary guy." Nothing special. But...in my case, I've known I've wanted to be a girl since I was about 7.

In any case, as I've indicated in other posts, I'm seeing a Gender Therapist. He's been challenging me with all kinds of questions with regards to what to expect, what kinds of questions others (including my wife and family) are likely to ask and he's intending to ensure I understand what to expect (including side effects) of going on HRT. In fact, he suggested I go ahead and make my endo appointment since the doctor he refers to normally takes 3 weeks or so to get an appointment. And by then he would have a referral letter for me.

Now...after all of the hard/tough, but good advice I've received here, I intend to talk this whole coming out business with him some more. My next appointment is this coming Friday.

In the interim, I guess my new plan is to finish up my sessions with my GT, go to the endo and get the script for hormones but not do anything until after the holidays, where, I'll first talk to the wife.

Of course, I could get "weak" and go through with my original plan. Something that Johnny said, "But if your wife can talk you out of doing what is right maybe you aren't really ready for this step." Well...I know this is what I want. I am definitely ready. And in just about anything else, I'd consider myself very strong. But in this particular circumstance I could see my self giving in to the wife. And not because I'm not ready, but because I just hate it when she's hurt. And then...in this case...I'd have regret. I really don't know. Aarrgghh. Sigh.

[Guest Nala]

Well my therapist (and her team) refuse me to start hormones as long I'm not coming out. And I kind of understand that. Of course I wish to start HRT, but people have to get used to that idea. When you already start HRT, they may not get the chance to adapt to your change and feel not well about it. I personally believe HRT should come after coming out, how frustrating it may be.

[Guest OutOfSorts180]

To all my friends here. Thanks for all of the advice. I have taken it to heart. I will NOT be starting HRT until after I have talked to my wife. However, I don't want to do so until after the holidays. So...hopefully I can find a good time during the 1st week in January to tell her --- probably January 6th as that is an off-Friday for me.

I had another session with my GT. Told him about all of the very strong responses from all of you to come out first and not do HRT in stealth mode. He agrees with all of you as well! And as I had mentioned previously, I am still going to keep my endo appointment and get the hormones, but...to help me be strong in not actually taking them before I talk to the wife, I asked and he has agreed to hold them for me for "safe keeping!"

So..between now and then...about 35 days. It's going to feel like a life time.

I guess my next update will be at that time.

Wish me luck, patience and perseverance..

[JJ]

Sounds like you have your plans made and have things under control now. I'm glad.

The holidays do complicate things but they are also a busy time which can make it go faster. It is also a time when you can prepare what to say to your wife as thoroughly as possible. If you have the information about all the scientific research it can really help. One of the things that seems to make a real difference is when people realize that this is a physical condition which we can't change by willpower or choice. Many of us fight it, sometimes for decades, but during that time we live half lives in a sense and we live in misery much of the time. When people realize we don't have a choice and haven't gone off the rails mentally they don't seem to feel as betrayed.

If you go through this thread you'll find numerous links to studies and info about the physical causes of our condition:

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=26503

My favorite is this one because the source is a news site and because of how much info it provides:

http://aebrain.blogs...sexual-and.html

You know it strikes me that most people accept that brain determines gender when discussing intersexed people and the fact that it is now recommended that in ambiguous cases where testing can't make a clear determination any surgical alteration should be delayed until gender expression is apparent, yet with trans the old stereotypes remain that gender is some choice we made.

But that aside you don't have to wait 35 days to update us. We are here to listen and support you during that time as well. You can just express your feelings and frustrations and know that people here will understand and care.

Johnny

[Carolyn Marie]

That's great, hon. Sounds like a good plan. I do hope that it all works out for the best. Even with the endo appointment, you aren't likely to get the drugs right away. The endo will order blood tests and you may have to wait until the results are in, but sometimes they'll write the scrip beforehand.

It's funny, your post reminded me of those old OTC medicine and toothpaste commercials: "Coming out first is preferred by 9 out of 10 transsexuals and therapists!"

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest OutOfSorts180]

Johnny and Carolyn:

Thanks so much for your kind words and encouragement.

I have already been working on what I'm going to say to my wife when the time comes. But...nothing like "extra" time to get it right! Only going to get 1 chance to do it right.

I sure hope I can distract myself with all of the activities and stuff this month. Otherwise, it's going to be a long 35 days.

I still have at least 1 more GT appointment plus the endo appointment, so...I'll be updating after those appointments.

Thanks again to you and everyone else here!

[Guest OutOfSorts180]

Had another session with my GT today. Most of today's discussion was around the effects (good and bad) of what hormones can do and understanding what to realistically expect. We also talked some more about my apprehension and I guess my doubts when I do come out to my wife after the holidays. After the session ended today...yay! He wrote up th recommendation letter for HRT.

As I've indicated previously, my next step is my 1st appointment with the endo this coming Monday. So I'll give an update afterwards.

[Guest NatashaJade]

May I make a suggestion? Put off the endo visit until after you've spoken with your spouse. The fact is, the longer you go and the more you do without telling her, the harder it may be on her. I've kept my marriage together through this by keeping my spouse in the loop on everything from the get go. I've made her just as much a part of this as anyone else on my transition team...actually she's the primary person on that chain. It works because she has never felt that I was doing anything she didn't know about.

Be careful, okay?

And congrats on the letter. That's a huge deal.

xoxo

Tasha