Coming Out To Wife and HRT

[Guest Robin Winter]

I was also disappointed in some of the responses in that I was looking for understanding and shared experiences and instead I got mostly lectured.

Would you prefer a spanking?

Just kidding

I want you to know...I do understand. I understand the fear especially, and I can honestly say I almost went down the same route, and in fact I did tend to skirt the whole truth on occasion because of that fear. I sometimes implied things or left out details so I could later claim that I did in fact tell her without actually having to face her with it at the time. In her opinion, and also mine, that was still a betrayal of sorts, even though I did technically keep her more or less up to date.

I thought it better to just tell you about the consequences of doing that, though, because I care. I want you to have the best possible outcome, and not just the one that comes of taking the (seemingly) easier route. It all comes down to an issue of respect. If you don't respect her needs, you can't expect her to respect yours.

[Guest Teri G]

We struggle a lot. I have suppressed, cried, and been in therapy to try to determine what I will do next. Because I have been honest with her, we talk a lot. I have put a lot of plans on hold for now. My biggest problem? Hurting her. We have been married for + 30 years and this has affected her profoundly. Be honest with her. She deserves it.

[Guest OutOfSorts180]

Hi Johnny:

Please understand, I'm not really upset or anything. As I mentioned, I was just disappointed as what I was hoping for was shared experiences like what Shilo shared. Now...don't get me wrong, there is definitely a time and place for lecturing and in this case, it was also warranted. I understand the need for honesty in keeping/maintaining a relationship --- heck, I've been married 29+ years so hopefully I've done some things right. But admittedly, I did need reminding in this case. Let's face it, taking the wife aside and saying,"By the way sweetie, I'm a transsexual and I'd love for you to be supportive of me as I transition to being a female", isn't your everyday garden variety discussion one has with one's wife. So it wasn't so much that I didn't want to be honest, it's just that I gave in to my fears and lack of confidence.

I really do appreciate that you care. It means a lot to me. And from what I can tell from all of your other posts to our other brothers and sisters here, I can tell that you really do care. And I'm sure they all appreciate it as well.

=================================

Hi Shilo:

Really and truly, thanks for sharing your experiences. I guess the adage, "Misery loves company" somewhat comes into play here. Since many of us have not physically met, it is very easy to feel lonely when dealing with what we have to face. So...knowing that there are others who have the same exact struggles with similar situations means a lot, at least to me. My best to you and your wife as you continue with your transition.

==================================

Hi also Teri:

Thanks also for sharing. Wow. 30+ years. We're definitely kindred spirits. Yes, I intend to tell my wife everything this Friday. H-Day. Honesty Day. I just hope that D-Day (Doom's Day) doesn't follow. I wish you and your wife well as you work through your situation together.

===================================

Hugs to all,

Carla

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

I still might be too late but I am going to tell my wife immediately after I get the official diagnosis. Reading this thread helped a lot, though I might still be too late. We will see.

[Guest OutOfSorts180]

Well...I just got home from work on Thursday evening. My wife is out running an errand. All the way home, my stomach was in knots in anticipation of having "the talk." While on the outside it may look like I'm calm, I am very apprehensive and frankly scared. Part of me just wants to avoid tomorrow --- to chicken out and just keep the status quo. But of course, part of me also wants to move forward. But...do I really want to move forward without my wife and family? I've told myself that I'm strong enough that if I have to, I can go it alone. But...that's all talk --- so far. I really won't know the answer myself until I actually cross that bridge tomorrow.

So...hoping I'll be able to post good news tomorrow.

With great trepidation,

Carla

[Guest Roux]

You've been so strong and honest and open with us here, whether you believe me or not, and I admire you so much for that. My stomach's going sour just imagining your situation; I don't want to imagine how you're feeling. But you can do it! I'll be sending good thoughts in your direction all day tomorrow, and you can bet I'll be checking this thread regularly to see when you update us. Best of luck! =)

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

(((Carla))) All we can do is support each other. I am going to have a talk with my wife when I get home as well. I wish you all the luck with yours.

[Guest eliza.d]

i bet nobody wants my opinion on this, we all know " bullettrain", shoot first ask questions later, me. has some very different ideas on this, but it was just what i HAD to do to save my own life.

so this little girl has learned when to keep quiet.

seriously, i mean it, no sarcasm here. hugs, im just one of absolute truth. and it has gotten me hurt too.

so im gonna be quiet and try to look pretty. lol!

Eliza

[Guest OutOfSorts180]

Wife is taking a shower so I have a short while I can get on the computer.

Roux: Many thanks for your kind words and encouragement.

Amanda: I wish you well as well when you have your own talk. If you're at all like me, your stomach must be churning.

Eliza: So...you've intrigued me with your post. I'd love it if you would share your thoughts.

Hugs,

Carla

[Guest eliza.d]

carla, hope i dont get myself in trouble, and i know it wont do anything for my reputation, but im all about truth. and this is only my opinion, which is contrary to much better advice from others....

im thinking of the softest way to say it......

dou waht YOU have to do for yourself, if your wife isnt on board, shes overboard.

see for me, my need to come out, go full time, and transition...was a matter of life and death for me. i could not wait any longer, it was literally killing me, so i had only one choice, do or die.

i told my wife, if you really love me, you love me for all that i am. if not, there' s the door.

i know that is harsh, but my biofam had been verbally abusing and condemning me since i came out and i knew i jad to get therapy, start hrt, go full time and transition. once i came out there was no going back, no backing down. it was do or die.

so there was no way to ease my wife into it. i know i was completely insensitive to her feelings, and really didnt care if my marriage ended.

we had by no means had a perfect marriage even before i came out, and i felt what i had to do was the only chamce i had to be all of myself, give all of myself to her, and have any chance of saving our marriage. at that point, my survival, far outweighed losing anyone, even me wife. thats why i often say...no matter who i have lost, no matter who i will lose, i WILL NOT lose myself.

thats definitely NOT the way to go about it, but I had no choice.

please dont use my way to influence how you handle your marriage and transition.

i DO NOT recommend it...eventhough it worked for me and saved my life.

ive earned the nickname " bullet train", and i know i deserved it, bit there were reasons only i can know as to why i am the bullet train.

take your time, be sensitive, be kind, be truthful, but be strong.

natashas spouse marni and all the others have given you very valuable advice.

listen to them. not me. please.

love and best wishes,

Eliza

[Guest Teri G]

carla...good luck with this. how i remember that feeling of nervousness when i told my wife about me. be true to yourself and your feelings. remember this, however: she may not agree with you. that was something that i had a hard time with. good luck

[Guest OutOfSorts180]

Hello to all of my friends here at Laura's:

Well...I had my coming out talk with my wife. and it did not go as I had hoped. I started to tell her about being a transsexual and I could see that I was hurting her quite a bit, that she was tearing up quite a bit. That really bothered me. Enough so that I backed-off from telling her everything. And as I did so, I realized that as much as I want to be and need to "Carla", I wanted to stay with my wife and not have her be hurt even more. So...I not only didn't tell her everything, I lied about my desire to transition. Told her I had no intentions of doing so. That the only reason I was telling her anything was I just needed to get it off of my chest about being a transsexual and having met several times with a therapist and wanted to get this deep dark secret out in the open. That I could now be totally honest with her, now be able to better control my feelings (although I told her that I could never get rid of them) and then move on. So...she doesn't know about the endocrinologist or the hormones. And she never will. I also told her that I was intending to and will continue to be her husband until the day I died.

I know this whole thread/topic has been one about being totally honest with our spouse and also totally honest with ourselves. I guess I fell short on both accounts. And for that, I apologize to everyone here. I really wanted to be totally honest, but just couldn't when the time came. I guess to a large degree, my love for my wife outweighed my own needs. I wasn't strong enough to be "selfish" for myself.

As many of you have counseled, each person's circumstances are different. What is right for one person isn't right for the next.

When all is said and done, continuing as I am isn't half bad. I do have a life long companion. I have my kids and looking forward to grand kids. I have my job (a good one). I have good finances. So...it's tolerable. I hope.

My best to all of you here as you all continue your journeys. I'm just sorry I won't be able to share the journey with you.

I may still check in (when I can) to see how things are with you all.

So...bye for now.

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

Oh, sweety, I hope you check back in soon, I think you will find some good advice still. Ok, you told her what you told her, no lecture from me about that. I am actually begining to doubt my willingness to stay in my marriage, but that is another story. Please keep going to therapy and talking to your wife. Let her see how going to therapy is helping you and see if she and you can come to some place where you can feminize some. Get her to go to therapy with you. She may end up seeing you really love her and want to stay with you, get her past the initial shock, and maybe, in conversation, a little more transition will result. I am embarrased to admit, I cant remember who it was, but another wonderfull lady on here used the analogy of a starfish opening a clam. The starfish isnt strong enough to open the shell but constant pressure without stop gets to the pearl. Please keep checking in here, even if you only look at this thread!

My Heart Goes Out to You,

Mandy

[Cyndee]

My best to all of you here as you all continue your journeys. I'm just sorry I won't be able to share the journey with you.

I may still check in (when I can) to see how things are with you all.

So...bye for now.

Thanks Carla for sharing this, this is extremely difficult deal with and it takes courage to write what you just wrote here. My hope is you have realized value by participating here, and you are always welcome.

Best wishes in your life

Cynthia -

[Guest Shari]

Hi Carla,

I went through much of the same thing. We have to make some pretty difficult choices sometimes and deciding to try and protect the woman you love is very noble. I hope you find some peace for yourself along the way. Mandy suggested that you continue seeing your therapist and I think that's good advice until everything settles down for you. Kind of like a soft landing?

So, you've chosen a different path than some of us. You are still a member of our community, and I hope we continue to hear from you.

Hugs,

Shari

[Guest]

Hi Carla,

I sent you a PM too, but wanted to say things for you and for other members who are approaching big hurdles in their paths...

You've done the most difficult thing of your life, at least in my opinion. Opening your heart to those closest to you is a scary thing, but, love does conquer all. Keep love in your relationship and nurture it. And, at the same time, do take care of yourself. Turning away from transition can lead to a path of despair - so, please be aware of your heart too: you can't have a good family life if your own is hurting.

But, whether you go forward with transition, or go forward to other things, please do remember that we're here. Being trans can be a lonely thing, and we're here for you no matter.

All my best to you,

Love, Megan

[JJ]

Carla,

As much as this is what you feared it is also what your heart has chosen. Maybe in time it will change. The beauty of life is that it does.

And we are still here. You don't have to be transitioning to be on a journey because it still is a journey through life no matter where your goals lead you. We will still understand the pain that isn't going to disappear and the needs that you will sometimes need to express. Please don't feel you have let us down or that we are judging you for it.

We accept you as you are. We understand that you must chose and why your choice is to do as you are. We know the price both ways and never want to force someone to make a choice for us because it can only be your choice for you. We can and do point out potential problems we know or see but we respect your decisions as well.

So please stay with us. I think it will help

And you can also perhaps help others who decide to stay as they are. A voice that is lacking here sometimes.

Johnny

[Guest Roux]

I know this whole thread/topic has been one about being totally honest with our spouse and also totally honest with ourselves. I guess I fell short on both accounts. And for that, I apologize to everyone here. I really wanted to be totally honest, but just couldn't when the time came.

Carla, you never ever have to apologize to us for anything--and especially not for the things you feel and the choices you make. JJ said it best: we accept everyone as they are, and nothing you can say or do will stop us from offering all the help and support we can possibly give.

I'm hoping all the best for you and your wife, and that you do come back to Laura's soon.

<3

[Guest OutOfSorts180]

Hello all:

I want you all to know that your kind words and support means a lot to me. In fact, more so now than ever, as I still have to deal with my inner self. You are now essentially the only support I have. So...I truly appreciate that you all are still welcoming of me here. However, since I told my wife (the lie --- which I really hated to do and continue to do) that I have and had no intention of transitioning, I have to be doubly stealthy to ensure she doesn't accidentally catch me getting on line here at Laura's. So my opportunities to visit will be somewhat limited.

After telling my wife I'm trans, the last 2 days, as you can imagine, have been rough. More than anything, my wife is now insecure about me, our marriage and how she should react. She asks questions and the primary motivation for the questions is to get some assurance that I am not going to do anything. That I'm going to be her husband. That she won't stumble on me in her closet trying on her clothes (not that I could as she's too small). And she sometimes says she doesn't understand why I told her anything if I wasn't intending to transition. So...on the one hand she sort of senses I haven't really told her everything. But I also know that (at least for now), if I tell her anything more, she will just go to pieces. Right now she is very fragile. And since I truly decided to stay as I am, I guess I'm not really telling a lie when I say there is nothing more. Am I? So while she asks questions, she has also told me she has no intention of wanting to find out more about transsexualism --- i.e., no research, no reading, no books. In a way, she doesn't want to know more. I think because to some degree, she's afraid to find out. I think it's sort of the "if you're afraid of the answer, don't ask the question."

So...is there any moral to this story? Considering how things worked out, I obviously didn't get the result I was hoping for AND I really shook up my wife emotionally and at least for now, she's lost a lot of trust in me. So...things are now worse. So...if there is any moral to this story I think it's a combination of the of following --- if one's intent is to absolutely stay in one's marriage, then be very sure about how your spouse is going to react AND be doubly sure you really intend to tell your spouse everything. Part of the irony for me was I really thought my wife would react angrily by yelling and shouting. She didn't. Yes, she was angry, but more than anything else, she was very hurt and she started to cry. And...I've always been a softie for anyone crying. I couldn't handle her tears. So in my case, I really misread how I thought she would react. This caused me to not tell her everything and as a result, at least for the short term, I'm now worse off than I was before the talk. I didn't gain anything and my wife didn't gain anything.

Johnny said,

So please stay with us. I think it will help

And you can also perhaps help others who decide to stay as they are. A voice that is lacking here sometimes.

Very interesting perspective. I do appreciate that you think that I have something to offer others here. So...ok. If I think I have something to offer, I'll share.

Mandy, Shari, Cynthia, Megan,Johnny and Roux --- a special thanks for all of your kind words.

My love to all of you,

Carla

[Guest Teri G]

if it is any consolation for you: after my somewhat disasterous coming out to my wife, our relationship is deeper than ever. we talk more about us, our feelings for one another and what our deeoest needs are. it too a long time and a lot of talking to get here. She feels safer now that i can talk to her about my transgendered feelings. it hasn't changed her mind about my needs, but she knows i can talk to her about all of this.

[Guest eliza.d]

teri, thats a step in the right direction. my heart is with you sister.

Hugs,

Eliza