A tough transition to real life?

[~Nova~]

Some transmen and women go through their transition with minimal interruption to their lives. They get lucky. They are the few that we all look up to. The ones that make it look and seem so easy, like flicking on the light switch. What we don't see is the turmoil, the tears, the pain behind the scene. We get happy snippets from the transition and incorporate them into our own dreams and fantasies of how it really happens.

I consider myself one of the lucky ones. One of those that make transition seem easy. I went from "boy" to "girl" in less than 8mths. I have a relationship and a job. I post happy pictures and write threads on my "passing" adventures. Most good, some not so good. I have documented my struggles too, but those get tucked away or past over. Who wants to read about someone else's misery?

I was looking back over the last 8mths and trying to decide if I really was one of those lucky ones. I made a list of good and bad. Pros and cons. Both sides of the list were long. For each pro a con, for each con a pro. I kept thinking how funny it was that for each bad, I was able to write a good. Cool.

I put the list down on my desk and went to get a drink and forgot all about it. A few hours later Lucy shows up with the list in her hand. A row of pros, a row of cons. All neatly lined up next to each other. Lucy handed me the list and said this whole thing is crap, a lie, a sham. Huh????

She told me that losing my father as a con cannot be equaled with a pro with something so small as having your nails done for the first time. That's the actual pro I put next o the con. She said the list needed to be weighted to be equal. Or for some cons I needed at least 5 pros. I took the list, all the pros and cons lined up so neatly and started to cry. How many pros does it take to equal the loss of a sister? As I looked at the list I decided that maybe I wasn't one of the lucky ones, maybe the cons were greater than the pros.

With a tear streaked cheek I went to the mirror and the pro was amazing. Their in the mirror was the woman I had always dreamt of becoming. even with the mascara running black down my check, their she was.

I have given up a lot to get whee I am. I have notbeen one of the lucky ones to have a smooth transition. I am still here. I am alive and l have become a beautiful woman, I am lucky.

Autumn

[Guest John Chiv]

Some transmen and women go through their transition with minimal interruption to their lives. They get lucky. They are the few that we all look up to. The ones that make it look and seem so easy, like flicking on the light switch. What we don't see is the turmoil, the tears, the pain behind the scene. We get happy snippets from the transition and incorporate them into our own dreams and fantasies of how it really happens.

I consider myself one of the lucky ones. One of those that make transition seem easy. I went from "boy" to "girl" in less than 8mths. I have a relationship and a job. I post happy pictures and write threads on my "passing" adventures. Most good, some not so good. I have documented my struggles too, but those get tucked away or past over. Who wants to read about someone else's misery?

I have given up a lot to get whee I am. I have notbeen one of the lucky ones to have a smooth transition. I am still here. I am alive and l have become a beautiful woman, I am lucky.

Autumn

Autumn,

Very moving post. I selected the parts of your post that I could relate to most. Well said. You are a brave woman, give yourself credit.

With all due respect to Lucy, she cannot understand what it means to transition and in this instance I disagree with her advice. There is no weighing one against the other and there is no formula. You had a good idea to write pros and cons, if that helped you. It isn't about nails for you or shaving cream for me but what that represents.

Being our true selves is priceless. Whatever it takes it's worth it.

John

[Guest]

Hi Autumn,

I was the lucky one. Seems like everything fell into place with only minor difficulties. I keep expecting a hard dose of reality someday, but it isn't happening.

But, what would have happened if more problems arose? I would hope that the results were the same, regardless. There doesn't seem to be another alternative that leads to any resolution at all.

Pros: infinite; cons: negligible.

Thank you for sharing!

Love, Meg

[Guest Svenna]

Autumn,

I agree with John. There is no way one of our spouses can really appreciate the depth of our suffering while posing as males. Our spouses are weighting the cons with a cis persons point of view, a view that is irrelevant to us for the most part...

The real question to me is how can a father weigh losing an imaginary son as preferable over accepting a wonderful, loving daughter in his place? The onus is on HIM now, not you. You are being YOU, and it is shameful that any parent, sibling or friend might choose allegiance to the false boy persona over the true female you are...the 'con' is of their own making, shame on THEM...

Stay strong and true, sweet girl!

Love.Svenna

[Sakura]

Can any transsexual really be called lucky ? By being born transsexual one has already drawn the unlucky card. your only option is to play the hand you are dealt . some are dealt a few better cards, and some people just play what they got sooner than others. from the prettiest most passable trans girl to the least. if you were to really pick their brain. you would find a story , of missery turmoil suffering fear doubt. reguardless of how smoothly their transistion is going now. i grant you there was a battle to get there. mentally or externally.

since the begining of my transition, i have heard the word lucky echoed repeatedly . i just smile and nod. no one wants to hear the sad stories this seemingly lucky girl has to tell. or it is met with the general consensus of " *gasp* how could anything bad ever happen to you, your pretty " so i just smile and say thank you.

Sakura

[~Nova~]

Autumn,

I agree with John. There is no way one of our spouses can really appreciate the depth of our suffering while posing as males. Our spouses are weighting the cons with a cis persons point of view, a view that is irrelevant to us for the most part...

Stay strong and true, sweet girl!

Love.Svenna

Svenna,

I disagree that she cannot understand, and I think that in a while, you will understand why, but for now,I can see your point. Lucy has always been my soul mate. That has not changed. She fully understands my pain, my suffering, my turmoil. Why? How? She was there, she was my rock, she was my go to person and she was always there for me. She has saved life. Literally taken the gun from my head. The highs, the lows, she has been there through all of it. She is qualified to know the weight of each high and low. More probably than I as she watched and helped me through.

When she said the pro was not equal to the con, she knew what she was talking about.

Sometimes a dose of reality is needed.

Thanks for your input.

Autumn,

Very moving post. I selected the parts of your post that I could relate to most. Well said. You are a brave woman, give yourself credit.

With all due respect to Lucy, she cannot understand what it means to transition and in this instance I disagree with her advice. There is no weighing one against the other and there is no formula. You had a good idea to write pros and cons, if that helped you. It isn't about nails for you or shaving cream for me but what that represents.

Being our true selves is priceless. Whatever it takes it's worth it.

John

John,

I wasn't writing them for therapy or to try and understand, I was writing them as a comparison to good and bad. And yes, just like any crime, their are weights associated. A petty theft cannot be judged the same as a rape and a murder the same as an accidental death. In the above example, I'm still devastated by the loss of my father, I think about him everyday and it is very hard to get past. However, my nails, they are done, painted, repainted, refilled and now needing to be trimmed. I was happy and excited, but on the scales of justice, nails don't equal the loss of my father..

Autumn

[Guest John Chiv]

Autumn,

Whatever reason you were writing is fine, no explaination needed. I think what we all can agree on that is we took this step ( some do not) and so regardless of why and what, we all feel it was worth it, and losses vary with each individual's journey. Transition is not easy as you have written about quite well but neither is anything that really matters in life.

I know your family means a lot to you and this is still fairly early in your transition. Whether you have really lost her cannot be determined so quickly. If it is permanent, that loss for you cannot be measured or weighed anymore than the cost of what it means if you had not transitioned.

No one is comparing nails to the loss of your sister. But how many people come close to giving up and contemplating giving up their life if they don't transition. You came close. You are still here, transitioning, and a happier person. It is your family's choice how temporary this loss is--yes Lucy is your soulmate. Some of us also have people in our lives that mean just as much to us and have seen what we endure and been there for us. That does not take away what Laura's offers to you or me or anyone else. We have been there for you. You have been there for others.

The post you wrote was very touching. No one is judging you or Lucy.

John

[Guest cassie51]

Hang in there girl, I'm always here for you just like the others. I really enjoyed your post, it touched me on so many levels. Thank you for writing it.

{{HUGGS}}

Cassie

[Guest Svenna]

Hey Sweetie,

When I said "There is no way one of our spouses can really appreciate the depth of our suffering while posing as males." I meant that no matter how awful our suffering may look from the outside, regardless of the depths of our shared travails, unless our spouses are actually transwomen also, they just cannot imagine what it is really like to live with this from the inside looking out...nobody can...

The two of us ARE fortunate, though, to have spouses that are TRYING to understand us and are WILLING to try to make our relationships work, despite such a huge obstacle in our paths. I DO believe that love can conquer all and I am determined to not let anything stand between myself and my happiness. It is amazingly difficult work to sort through this with a hetero-female, but we have beaten the odds getting as far as we have already...

Keep on rockin' the positivity, girl. We shall overcome!

Love and togetherness, Svenna