Getting Outed and Fallout

[Guest cassie51]

So 2 days ago I went on my FB account. I usually only check it once a week or so and it's always the same stuff so I never pay much attention.

I was shocked to see a posting made by my adult son who lives in WI. It was a hate post directed at me for all our family and friends to see. He blamed me for his mothers recent suicide attempt and called me a transvestite who only wanted to dress in women's clothing for "kicks". He talked about how miserable I had made his life and how he wished I was the one who tried suicide, and how he wished I would succeed if I attempted it. He said it would be better if I was actually dead rather than still being alive and acting like a pervert. He said at least then the family could have some peace.

I sat in front of my computer in shock. This was my child, my flesh and blood. I was the one who taught him to play baseball, who sat and watched star trek reruns with him, who was always there when he needed someone growing up. I was his father, how could he be saying these things and splashing them all over the internet? Then I thought OMG, there were so many people who were going to see this, people who had no idea that I had come out yet, people who loved me. I didn't have a clue what to do. I just sat there crying with my heart breaking, hadn't I already been punished enough for daring to be myself?

Unbelievably it was my wife who came to my rescue. She came up to me and read our son's post over my shoulder. She was furious. She could not believe he had written such things. She told me to get a hold of myself because she wanted me to do something. She told me what was done was done and everyone was going to know now whether we liked it or not. She told me to make a post on my page. She wanted me to explain to everyone what transsexualism was, calmly and rationally. She said that everyone needed to know the truth about me and not some terrible rumor. I couldn't believe she was telling me to do this. So I explained transsexualism as best as I could and how it pertained to me. I don't know how well I did but anything was better than what my son had posted.

Then we receive a phone call today from my wife's aunt, the one I have spoken of before. We rent a home from her. She said that she could not take this "situation" any longer, she just couldn't handle it (SHE couldn't?). She informed my wife that we had to move out of the home by the end of this month and that she was not going to be speaking to us any longer, then she hung up on my wife. I was stunned and then angry. I could understand her attitude towards me, but to take this out on my wife? After what my wife had just been through? I wanted to go over to the aunts house and slap her silly. My wife said no, then she smiled. She said she was going to look at this in a positive light. That we would no longer have her aunt snooping around our house as she always liked to do. That she was excited to be moving. I was still angry, but now confused. She wanted to move? Right after Christmas? Ok I said, not believing her attitude. So now we are moving because of me, because I DARED to be me. Just keep heaping on the punishment god, why not?

I want to leave this on a positive note if I can. I received a message on FB today from one of my older sisters. I rarely speak to her, we have not exactly seen eye to eye on a lot of things over the years. She saw my posting and wanted to tell me that she loved me. She didn't care if I were female all these years because it did not change the good person that I was. She was so compassionate about the pain I've endured and even asked me when I was going to start transition! She didn't care..........what?????? One small act of kindness made such a difference to me today.

{{{{{HUGGS}}}}} everyone

Cassie

[JenniferB]

Hi Cassie,

Well that was bittersweet. I would focus on the positive. You are receiving support from your wife now and your sister. Unfortunately it rarely happens that you won't lose family members and friends. Be happy for what you do have. Plus I believe there will be others who will accept you that you aren't expecting.

You should be angry with your son. Your wife reacted when finding out and just let out her emotion, but she never was filled with hate. I can't believe how ungrateful, cruel, and hateful your son is. You don't deserve that. That's transphobia at its worst. And I'm sorry it happened. Still he may come around in time, but it's going to take a lot of patience.

Even though there will have more setbacks, at least you now can go ahead with your transition without the fear you've experienced for years. For now you are learning where everyone stands.

It will get better,

{{{Hugs}}}

Jennifer

[Guest]

Hi Cassie,

You have made some important and unexpected strides - I'm very happy for you! It does sound like your aunt will be a good person to be away from, and I still don't believe that it's over with your son. Your wife was a tremendous help in guiding you to a positive solution, and if you can keep finding those positives, you will do okay.

Transition is not without pain, and not without effort. You've made a start now, and, I hope, the worst is behind you.

All the best to you - - I'll be looking forward to hearing from you again...

Love, Megan

[Guest Kael147]

Cassie, again - I just want to wrap my arms around you. When you write I hear hope. Sounds weird with all the horrible pain you've been in, but look how different your wife is already and how unexpectedly you got love from your sister. It screams "THERE'S hope!"

Hugs Kael

[Guest Juniper Blue]

Hugs to you Cassie. I am sorry that you are going through such a hard time.

[VickySGV]

I was outed the same way, by a vindictive relative. In my case it actuallyt was a moment of truth, the outing had been as a transvestite, but it occurred just a few days before I had the revelation to myself that I was transsexual and not CD. I have since made major strides, as you now have since then with only a few even mildly negative comments, and either no change with the rest, or total acceptance. The relative who did that to me took her own life last summer. I too have died as "Him", but I am here to talk about it and go forward into a future.

[Guest Krisina]

Cassie

Some good is coming out of this. You don't have to worry about how others will react. You have found out. Your wife no longer has to deal with the snooping of her aunt and you are our from under her house. You found out that even though this is hard on your wide she is still being supportive. You found out that your sister loves you regardless of being transgender. Good things I believe.

Krisina

[Guest Risu]

Cassie,

As others here have said, try to focus on the positive. The little victories count just as much as the big ones and there are so many bumps in the road... I am so happy to hear of this change in feelings your wife has had and likewise it's wonderful you have some support from an unexpected place.

I read somewhere that children usually tend to take after the parent of the opposite physical birth sex. I have found this theory to be true more often than not. It seems like your son is responding as his mother did... but if your wife can come around there is still hope he can too. He is angry about all of this and clearly has no clue what he is talking about. Hopefully he will continue to speak with his mother who can help him come to the same understandings she did. As Kael said, there is still hope, so don't give up on him okay? As for your wife's aunt, it sounds like the two of you would be better off out from under her thumb to begin with, and who is she to you anyway? Your-aunt-in-law. Don't worry about the thoughts, feelings or comments of those who are more or less insignificant in your life. Listen only to those who matter, except for right now... try to be understanding with your son.

You're not doing anything to them. Any problems they have with you and your desire to transition are their problems and they need to deal with it. Don't let them upset you with how they're turning all of this on themselves. It's very selfish of them...

Hang in there Cassie okay? And please keep giving us updates. Things will get better. You're still weathering the storm and it will come and go for a while until you reach the end of this journey, whatever that is for you... Just remember when you hit rock bottom, the only way you can go is up. You and your wife now have a fresh start, and since you're on your way to a new life, that is a very good thing.

*Hugs*

~Risu.

[Guest Karen K]

My dear Cassie,

My brother is dead set against my transition to the point he has cut off relationship with me. I can picture him and his pastor conspiring in some way to stop me. As yet nothing has happened, perhaps I don't think highly enough of my flesh and blood. In any event, I will be attending family Christmas as my male self, this will be the last one though.

But I'm getting side tracked. Sweetie, God doesn't punish, he provides opportunities, it's up to us to see and accept them. This is indeed disheartening, having such a close relation treat you with this kind of irrevernce. The pain, I know, is hard to take. Time will heal this, trust your spouse and run with it.

We are here for you to vent, pour your heart out to us, we will understand.

All my love,

Laura Jane

[Guest nyssa ambrosha]

loseing my kids and family are my biggest concern. i dont know what i would do without my kids. but mine are still young enough to teach them truths. my oldest is 5 :-). but i fear what hes being taught at his mothers. she knows some about me and who i am but not to what extent. and to top everything off the guy my ex is living with is a exfriend of mine who is a racest homophobe. so i wonder at times what they are teaching my kids when im not with them.

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

There IS hope!

Lacey Lynne

[Guest Megan_Lynn]

Cassie,

Your story sounds alot like mine. My oldest son was just as nasty and hurtfull to me as yours was to you. Also my older sister whom I have rarely if ever spoken to came to me with open arms after she found out about me. While I was not kicked out of my home I did end up moving to a safer location to live. One thing you will find out is while yes there is almost always some losses from coming out and transition there will be many many gains as wel( new and better relationships with people, being true to ones self and many more things)l. People you thought would stand by you will reject you and ones you never expect will not only except you, But you will end up having a way better relationship with them as well.Since we have been liying to ourselfs all these years. Many of the losses we will have over this is not losses to the real you but losses to the fake you. People have an awfull time changing there minds eye and will have an awfull time expeting this at first. Some will and do come around and others well they have so much hate in there hearts they may never change. Look to the bright side of all this you willbe able to finaly be true to yourself and quit living a lie. Hope all works out for you..

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

Cassie,

Your story sounds alot like mine. My oldest son was just as nasty and hurtfull to me as yours was to you. Also my older sister whom I have rarely if ever spoken to came to me with open arms after she found out about me. While I was not kicked out of my home I did end up moving to a safer location to live. One thing you will find out is while yes there is almost always some losses from coming out and transition there will be many many gains as wel( new and better relationships with people, being true to ones self and many more things)l. People you thought would stand by you will reject you and ones you never expect will not only except you, But you will end up having a way better relationship with them as well.Since we have been liying to ourselfs all these years. Many of the losses we will have over this is not losses to the real you but losses to the fake you. People have an awfull time changing there minds eye and will have an awfull time expeting this at first. Some will and do come around and others well they have so much hate in there hearts they may never change. Look to the bright side of all this you willbe able to finaly be true to yourself and quit living a lie. Hope all works out for you..

Yep!

Megan Lynn nails to the wall here, as we used to say back in The Day. Yeah, I'm biased. Afterall, She's in The Burgh, my hometown, and we actually have much in common. However, I give credit where it is due, and PLENTY of credit is due to Megan Lynn.

This upcoming Wednesday, I'm on HRT for 2 years. As some of you know, lately, I've been having a REALLY hard time dealing with my losses and really thought about bagging it, because I was hurting so badly that the losses just weren't worth it to me. However, what a difference a day makes.

In many ways, today was a bellwether day for me. It started out horrendously. However, it wrapped up splendidly? How? What Megan Lynn says above turned out to true for me today. Several people accosted me very kindly on my daily walk, they hugged me, laughed with me and generally were most convivial and congenial.

Doggone it, Megan Lynn is right! What you gain as THE REAL YOU far exceeds the losses you sustained from your old life.

However, if you are trying to keep a marriage intact, and I know several folks on here who are, maybe you should compromise. Too late for me. My marriage is history. However, no biggie ultimately. It'll all be okay.

So:

You CAN do this IF you really WANT to. That is the key.

Happy Holidays! Lacey Lynne

Postscript:

Megan Lynn, you rock, girl! Hey, tune in to 1020 AM, KDKA, for me and listen to a Christmas tune or two.

[Guest cassie51]

I wanted to share this with you all. It is what my older sister wrote to my son. She has quickly become an inspiration for me. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I did.

Hi ****, I realize that this is a difficult time for your parents and possibly for you and your brother. When your dad posted his correction to your post and my daughters read it and then notified me was the way that we found out. I've written a couple of private messages to your father, but not condemning him for something that he cannot help. It must have been very difficult for him to feel like he could not be the person he felt he was inside for all of his life. Imagine living every day of your life feeling conflicted. As I told your dad, his marriage to your mother was actually better in many ways because of his feminine feelings, he was probably much more understanding of her because he did have that softer feminine brain. Those of us who've been married to the embodiment of a male brain have to live a frustrating life of never understanding why "men just don't get it." Even now, I can tell that your dad is beating himself up over the hurt he feels he has caused your mom and all of you by finally being honest and true.

I've seen transsexuals interviewed on television in a very dignified way by good television hosts such as Oprah Winfrey or news reporters on shows such as 60 minutes or 20/20 that are done to help the rest of us to have compassion and understanding for this condition that they have had no real control over. These people live their lives feeling ashamed of their very thoughts, it's really not fair that they must be made to feel afraid to say what they feel for feelings are neither "right" nor "wrong", they just "are."

However, the rest of us do have an opportunity to react to their truth when it is revealed to us. We can try to shame them or we can be compassionate, kind people. That is our choice, that is your choice. We can take it upon ourselves as somehow blaming them and play some kind of victim ourselves, thinking only of ourselves, or we can reach out and try to put ourselves in their circumstance and then react out of love. We cannot change them or the facts, but we do have a choice in how we react, in "who" we want to be, and whether we want it to be all about us, or if we want to offer our love to the one who has been truly suffering.

Please don't think for a moment that I don't think your mother too is suffering. She must face now the fact that the man she married has wanted to be like her all these years, the father of her children really would have rather been their mother. However she too, can either make all this about "her" and take on the role of the victim, or she can continue to love in the way that God loves, "unconditionally" because I know that your dad still loves your mother in that way. Many women in her situation remain with their spouse and their relationship changes for certain, but that doesn't make your mother a lesbian if she stays with him, it would make her more of a best friend and to me, that doesn't sound bad at all. Having a best friend when you're over the age of 50 is much more rewarding than having a "lover". Your mother needs to realize that what other people think is none of "her" business, it's "their" problem and she need not take it upon herself to be concerned with that. She just needs to be true to herself. So if she needs a manly man, she should go find one, if she needs someone who loves her dearly and would be a friend, perhaps they can find a new comfortable relationship with one another. That is up to them and not any of us!

your aunt *****

[Guest Ney'ite]

*jaw totally drops*

:-O

Wow - that is an AWESOME and BEAUTIFUL reply from your Aunt!!

[Guest Svenna]

That was absolutely wonderful! I am in tears again...

Between all this crying and the Spiro, I am dry as a bone...

Thank you for sharing this with us.

Love, Svenna

[Guest cassie51]

Thanks Bettet and Svenna, I was in tears when she sent that to me. I wish it could be pinned here somehow. I think many here would benefit from my sisters wisdom and compassion.

{{HUGGS}}

Cassie

[VickySGV]

Boy did she put every nail in that coffin!! You are lucky to have such a wise and compassionate sibling. Sounds like there is hope and possibility.

[JenniferB]

Cassie,

That is wonderful and it warms my heart. The fact that your sister could understand how you feel, and what you are going through so completely, is just incredible. And this is rare even for those who already have a transsexual in their life.

After reading about your struggles since you joined it's really nice to read about your sister. You could not have asked for more. And it appears your Aunt has now accepted you too.

I know you still have many hills to climb in your path to acceptance, still, you have overcome some difficult terrain and the top of the mountain is closer.

You are a very strong and loving woman Cassie.

With Love,

Jenny

[Guest Robin Winter]

Oh my god, Cassie...I was literally in tears at the end of that post....Give your wife an extra hug today...my god, she deserves it. As do you. My wife actually went through something similar recently, with her son. Not for the same reasons, but he also said some horrible things about her on facebook and moved out, and she was/is absolutely ruined by it. I did the only thing I could think to do at the time and told him he wasn't welcome here anymore, but it's a horrible experience that we're still hurting over.

I am so sorry this happened to you, but you are so lucky to have such a wonderful wife. Merry Christmas, it can only get better from here.

*massive bear hugs*

[Guest Kael147]

Hope!

[Guest cassie51]

Thanks all. I can't believe how awesome my sister has been. I never would have believed it, we never got along when we were younger. Life can have some unexpected twists and turns for sure.

If my marriage doesn't work out in the end I am seriously considering moving to be closer to my sister. It would be nice to have that kind of love and support close at hand.

{{HUGGS}}

Cassie

[Guest Amethyst_Redemption]

WOW! I am so terribly sorry I have not seen this post until now. The emotional rollercoaster you have experienced is just daunting. I am so sorry you had to experience what your son put you through in order to witness such loving kindness in your sister. I know for a fact you sister would have always been that kind and I think it shows what kind of person you are to have such wonderful support such as your sister and your wife.

Blessings,

April

[Guest John Chiv]

Cassie,

I too just found this post. You are an incredibly strong woman and a caring soul. Your sister is just amazing. I am sorry for the losses you are going through.

Just want to give you a hug and support you any way I can.

John

[Guest SaleneAlexis]

I just found it tonight, to have family like that backing you, the sky is the limit. It hurts that your son had to be the catalyst, but now you know.

Hugs from a sister to a sister

Stephanie