New and hurting..confused..

[Guest Charitylynn]

Hi, my name is Charity I have been lurking here for a couple of weeks. I am mtf. I recently came back out of my latest purge and this time it is stronger than it has ever been. I am 39 yrs young with a wife that doesnt want me to transition and two teenage children that dont know about the real me. I am at the point where Im weighing my choices.

Choice #1 is to transition...

#2 is to stuff It back inside and put the mask back on..

#3 is almost unfathomable but it is something that I think about occasionally...death. 

So out of those: #1 is great because it fixes me but its bad because I can/will potentially loose my wife and kids.

#2 is good because the wife and kids lives go on as if I don't have this constant eating away of my soul but is   Bad because it has gotten worse each year since age 10. So I cant imagine how It will feel @ 60...

#3 is good because the pain stops but is bad because it would hurt the wife and kids and my chance @getting into heaven would be shot...if I even have a chance to get in since I am trans.

Not trying to be overly dramatic. I just feel lost...alone..trapt..

Thanks for listening.

Charity

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Charity

I have been on Laura's Playground a long time and I still don't have any answers. I DID make it to age 60, I STILL lost my family and wife except for my children.. Al I can say about option three is it really cannot be an option..

Short reply, we can talk some more. You just need to know you are not alone.

Lizzie

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Hello, Charity.......

Welcome to the Playground......

I need to ask you.......have you sought out a therapist? That is absolutely imperative in our situation....

There are so many "what if's" and "maybe's"....a therapist would help you sort all of this out. That would give you a good basis to build on....

Huggs

Dee Jay

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Charity. I'm glad you're no longer lurking, because there is a lot of good stuff on the other side of the door you just walked through.

You seem to have a realistic idea about your options (well, #3 really isn't an option). As far as the choice between transition and loss, and not transitioning and staying in the closet, all I can tell you from my own experience is that I kept my female self bottled up for 20 years, was unhappy, had a miserable love life, and still found I had to transition in the end. I am one of the lucky ones, and have kept my family, but the result for many others is indeed loss.

A therapist can help you work through the decision-making process, but please know that loss is not inevitable, and keeping things inside is not a great solution either. Only you will know what the decision will be.

Please post your comments and questions in any of the forums, and if you would, please take a few minutes to read the site Terms and Conditions, as they are important in keeping the site safe.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Charitylynn]

Thanks for the replies. I have talked to my wife about seeing a therapist and she's afraid that the therapist will tell me what I need to do to transition..which is not what she wants. I can understand her view but I can't make her understand how this feels...

I feel selfish for even thinking about transitioning and at the same time desperate to transition.

Thanks again for your help, I will talk to her again about seeing a therapist.

Charity

[Guest Charitylynn]

Thank You Carolyn :-) I actually posted the last post before you posted. I have read through the rules thread as you suggested.

I want to say that I cant believe how strong this trans thing has become. It is consuming me to the point sometimes that I'm ready to tell anyone who will listen and some who wont. Thats scary to me. One moment I'm ready to say look I am what I am (in my best popeye voice of course and the next I feel like Im in a dungeon wasting away.

Did any of you gals experience this on an hourly/daily basis?

Thanks a bunch, Charity

[Guest Karen K]

Charity,

This decission comes differently for different folks. I held out until age 49. I did lose my wife, a brother and possibly a sister. Close friends do not know yet. I can tell you I got close to option 3 but that was a terrible thought and dismissed it. I then sought a therapist.

Lets be clear, the therapist wont tell you to transition, nor should he/she. Only you can determine which path is best for you. I made the decission to transition. This doesn't happen overnight and if you should decide transitioning is not for you, you can turn back. The playground had a girl recently, who was conflicted about her transition. The therapist will help you to reach your own conclusion. So finding a therapist is imperative. Option #3 is no option at all, take that off the list and your closer to a decission.

Laura Jane

[Guest Juniper Blue]

Welcome Charity ... Please seek professional help and know that this community is here for you as well. #3 is not an option ... you deserve better than this nad so does your family.

Things can get better ... keep reaching out.

Hugs,

JB

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Yeah, Hon.....

Gender Dysphoria sux big time........

It hurts, it takes your mind off of tasks at hand and it even affects one's will to live....

Please get some help......the answer may not be the easy way (is it ever?), but it may be "The Way".....

Huggs

Dee Jay

[Guest Charitylynn]

Thank you all for your advice and encouragement. I am working towards seeing a therapist, I think it may be the only way to keep my sanity.

Also, you gals are totally right about option 3.....it just pops into my head sometimes when I feel like there's no other way...you know. I dont think I could do it anyway.

Thanks a bunch, Charity