I'll Get By With a Little Help from My LP Friends.....

[Guest Janice Lynn]

I have been reading dozens of posts over the past week or so and marvel at the wisdom and

compassion there is to be found here. Even my wife, who has read several threads, has

remarked how insightful and intuitive you are in helping one another. So here I'll offer a

question that perhaps can respond to with the same "wisdom and compassion" as she has

noticed here.

A quick update on our situation: I am an MTF (geez, I hate labels) who, at 65, doesn't see

full transitioning as a viable or even reasonable option. Nonetheless, after years and years

of bieng in denial, my precious wife has finally been able to accept that I am at the core

Janice. And she understands it even to the point of marveling how much more wonderful

her life is now that I have been able to end the isolation that kept me from being real, even

ot her. Some call it a "pink cloud," but really, who gives a hoot now that we have agreed

that from now on, together here at home and in very controlled situations (ex. movies), I

will live my life as a woman. She has not only accepted it, but embraced it because she has

seen the difference it has made in my life, our life together.

My "coming out" for the umpteenth time, has included an understanding that I will not fully

transition. I don't need to and, quite honestly, don't want to. Our lives are too complicated

already living full and active lives to consider the "final answer." Hey, it has been a joy to

live my life as Janice even if just 75% of the time. Having COPD but still very active, I am

content with that.

Here's my question: How do we get rid of the "third person" in our language? (***) is fading

away, though in our daily business he must still be there. But at home I wish it were a bit

different. You see, she is fully acceptable about almost every change in how she sees me

here at home, but she is still unable to call me Jan. It is always "Jan" in the third person.

But ... but ... but .... Jan is the first person. She is not the other person in the room, Jan is

the only other person in the room.

I understand a bit of my wife reluctance to call me Jan when we are alone together, as she is

afraid that she might make the mistake of calling me Jan at the wrong moment. Nonetheless

there is a schizophrenic quality about being both me and she that drives me whacky.

I know for sure I am not the first, so please tell me what you handled this.

[Guest Gregg Jameson]

Hi Jan,

I can relate to your feelings and concerns.

I am glad you are feeling a greater sense of freedom and enjoyment!

It's a wonderful feeling!

In my situation, my soon-to-be ex-husband has not yet been asked to refer to me with my gender appropriate name/pronouns.

That is a bridge we will cross when we our divorce is final and when I am completely ready for this in all areas of my life. We are each getting closer to being ready for this; I have tried to pace changes for each of us. I also do not want to put him in the situation of worrying about using the wrong name in the wrong setting. I feel this is up to me, in that I must be totally ready for him to use the most appropriate name for me when I ask him to do so. In other words, I am not putting him in the position of being concerned about erroneously using my gender appropriate name in a setting where I am not yet ready to "come out." When I ask him to refer to me accordingly, I will have to be ready in any setting.

My S.O. uses my gender appropriate name/pronouns in our interactions and in our life together.

I enjoy this, as does she.

She had, initially, started with a third person reference, as you have mentioned. It felt strange to me. We were able to talk about this and discovered this also felt strange to her. It can feel so very impersonal. We are both much more comfortable with her using my gender appropriate name/pronouns.

This means, though, that we both take the risk of her slipping and doing so in a setting where everyone is not quite ready for this.

I know she will do her best to try to honor the steps in my "coming out" to additional groups of people. Since she is human, she might also slip use my name in a setting where all are not totally prepared. I take full responsibility should this occur. It is worth it to us to use the most appropriate name/pronouns in our life together. We will take that chance.

I don' t know of another way to eliminate the "third person" identity in any part of my life without taking a chance like this.

I accept the responsibility for the outcome. She is already forgiven for any untimely reference "slip up." This takes a tremendous amount of stress off of her and I know I can trust her to do her best in any situation; yet, we are all only human.

Some people choose a name or a "nickname" that may be used for both genders when they are not ready to "come out" in all settings. Others are clearly not comfortable with this approach.

I hope someone comes along with a more creative solution for you.

My very best to you and to your wife!

Brad

[JJ]

Because I knew that my daughter could not handle calling me either John or Johnny -and Dad was taken off the table as an option by her from the day I decided to transition. Bad history with bio father thing- and the locals would also probably react badly to an abrupt and at first kind of ridiculous appearing, name change I went with JJ. Eventually I want my legal name to be John James and have had that as an inner name for myself since childhood. JJ has worked well. I can still relate to it and people are comfortable with it. It took my daughter a year to start using it. Her verbal gymnastics sometimes to avoid calling me by name were both hurtful and laughable. But I had forced the issue one day and saw that in the long run I had created a barrier that had not been there before so I backed off.

For those who love us this name thing cuts deepest of all sometimes. Becomes highly symbolic. Therefore any nickname you might could find might be a compromise that would make it easier. I would love more than I can say to be called John or Johnny here in my home. But not as much as I love and need the acceptance of who I am. And to some extent that was the choice I had to make. I can live with JJ. Maybe one day I won't have to, but it beats the natal name which I always loathed and I lived with that for over 60 years. JJ is also a name she can grow accustomed to and use whether people are aware or not (Not as big an issue anymore since I seem to be regarded as male everywhere now)

Not sure I was any help but this is my experience with the name issue anyway

Johnny

[Guest Janice Lynn]

Brad and Johnny,

Thanks to you both for sharing your thoughts on this, as we have both felt that,

although it couldn't be called a problem, as we both understand the awkwardness

of our situation. And as she has pointed out, it is hard to suddenly stop calling me

by my male name after more than 40 years. Beyond that the possibility of her

calling me Jan at the wrong time truly does frighten her, as thus far the decision

to transition has been between us, although I believe we agree that before too

long we should let my daughter know what has happened in our lives. That should

not be a traumatic event given that she already knows and accepts that I am trans.

We haven't asked if she has shared this fact with her husband, but I would be amazed

if she had not.

Geez, I got off track.

As for third person matter, we have agreed that the best answer, at least for now, is

for her to use a nickname that, while not obviously feminine, reflects the tremendous

changes going on in our lives. The fact is the nickname, Kit (shortened from Kitten)

is very similar to the nickname I have used for her for over 40 years. If anyone notices

they'll just think she was giving me a dose of my own nickname for her.

Thanks so much again for your thoughts and encouragement!

Jan