Coming out full time, my experience.

[Guest Talon]

Hey everyone,

I just have something that I wanted to share. I came out at school and to my extended family very recently. This was a big step and made probably the biggest immediate difference for me (and them) because I see them every day, at least the people at school. It was my daily life changed. Here is one of the most important things that I learned from coming out to them that could maybe be useful to those of you who are planning to go full-time.

Before I came out I had a lot of questions. Some of them were questions that other people have since asked me too but before I came out I wasn't even sure how to answer them when I asked myself. Because, while I very much want what's happening now, it was also a big step to go full-time and it changes many things and every day situations for myself.

For example, I wasn't sure how to deal with the bathroom issue. I was afraid of offending somebody, I think, and I wasn't sure whether I should start using the men's room right away or wait until I am on T and show more obvious male traits so as not to make anyone uncomfortable or freak them out.

I also wasn't sure how to deal with peoples' mistakes when they called me she or my girl name. Because some of the people I am around are extremely forgetful and flighty even though they are nice people I thought that, in order to not put any pressure on them and not freak them out or make them uncomfortable, I wouldn't correct them.

Around New Year's I met a friend of my best friend for the first time. I had just told my best friend my new name like half an hour before and she was just starting to adjust to it. She still called me my girl name because it was so new to her but when I introduced myself to her friend I somehow chickened out and introduced myself as my girl name. It wasn't a big deal because my best friend instantly told him "No, his name is Talon!" (God bless my best friend). And my best friend's friend had already heard I was trans and just said "Oh that's your new name? Talon it is." The issue is that I chickened out because I suddenly got the feeling that I had to make things easier for my best friend by using my old name so she wouldn't have to adjust to Talon at the New Year's party. So I used my old name which caused confusion. Also, my friend had referred to my as her guy friend who was coming to the party, so everyone expected a guy. So if I went along with my girl name, it would really just be weird for people.

My friends at school had to introduce me on stage for a school tour and again, I was wondering if I should just allow them to use my girl name to make it easier for them...

There were a million thoughts like that.

I came out over the holidays and when I returned to school, for some reason I was feeling really strong. I decided that I would do this right and do it fully! So I went in there with my head up high. I went to the men's room without batting an eye lash and I only introduced myself as Talon and he. We had a guest teacher divide us into boys and girls (What the HECK is teachers' kick with that, it's SO STUPID) and I got on the boys' side. When people said she and my girl name by mistake I smiled and said "he" and "Talon" and they corrected it. For some reason I felt a confidence and a right to be there and a right to be respected, I don't know why. I haven't felt like that in a long time.

But that is what saved me I think. Because several people at school have told me that "they are so happy I just showed them". For instance, a girl said to me "I wasn't sure which bathroom you were gonna use. But you just went into the men's room naturally and that took some confusion away for me". Another one said "You have been really consistent about your name and pronouns and that has helped me adjust to it a lot faster. I'm glad you did that" That's the same girl who automatically wrote me up as Talon in the stage presentation. A third friend said "I wasn't sure whether you wanted to be treated as 100 % male yet or if you wanted to be in between until you got hormones. But because you were clear about it, it was easier to adjust to".

I know these are all random things that happened for me but my point is that when you come out to people, SHOW THEM what you want! I came out in a letter and was specific about my new name and pronouns. But other things I didn't mention in the letter and people were left to wonder. And even though people have asked a lot of questions on how to make things comfortable for me, I think it was a really good thing that I happened to have enough confidence to do things a 100 % from day one.

Coming out and going full-time is a bit of an adjustment to everyone involved. Even if people are supportive and have the best intention, they are still gonna have uncertainties. It's easier for everyone, yourself included, if you take the bull by the horns and just show people how you want to be treated. You come out for your own sake, not others, and and you have a right to use the right bathroom, be called by the right name etc. But if you really walk in there with your head up and lead the way for people, show them how it's gonna be, show them how you react to situations as the "new" you, then it'll be a lot easier and faster for them to adjust to the changes too. That way, they don't have to guess or ask potentially difficult questions. And trust me, if you take the lead you save yourself some of the awkward moments too. Being inconsistent or unclear is actually harder than being assertive and clear because all it does is cause confusion and doubts for other people. And that's just gonna make things awkward.

It seems like some people have some kind of "OK here we are, so you really just want me to call you Talon and he now and treat you like a boy"-moment that they have to get past. Not out of ill will, I don't think, but because it's an unfamiliar situation to them. If you are clear about what you want, that moment will pass soon.

Bottom line - when you do it, DO IT! You CAN do it! Because you've already done it! The things you have to show to people are not difficult or complicated things, they're just every day things that can now pose some doubts for people. You just have to show them how you want it. As I said, i felt nowhere near confident that I could pull it off from the start but somehow I did and it really, really made a difference for myself and people around me.

So when you come out, just do it! If I can do it you can do it! Sorry for the length of this rant, I hope some of it is useful.

All the best,

Talon.

[Guest Mia J]

Thanks Talon and you are correct "You can do it".

When you first tell people who know you it is going to take some time for them to adjust. Give them some time and some gentle hints. It is really good when other friends help with the correction. That shows that not only are some people getting it, they are trying to help you out.

It is also a good idea to think about the kind of questions you may be ask and have some medically backed up answers about gender issues. Maybe even have some places they can look up the information themselves. When we come out to others we need to be prepared to have to educate those who are willing to learn.

It sounds like you are doing good with this and are well on the way of your journey.

Mia

[Guest Ney'ite]

Wonderful post, Talon! I am so very happy for you - I have seen your posts from very early on, and the struggles you would constantly have when around family. What amazes me (proudly if I may add) is that you are so young, but you just seem to "GET" it. This is one point that is driving me nuts about another person I know outside of this forum. She has been transitioning (HRT no less) for 4 years, yet gets mad that people still misgender her. She freely admits that she does not present very feminine, which in and of itself is not the whole issue. The biggest part of her issue is the very thing you nailed: just TELL people what you would like them to use. You gave several examples of where this helped you, AND others, to know how to address you. Sure, it made not be as easy to do with strangers, but (as is the case with this person I am referring to) at least within your circle of friends / family / acquaintances, at least give them a fighting chance and tell them what you want . . . not sit back and just assume they should figure it out on their own.

Well done, young man!

[Guest Talon]

Thank you ladies, I really appreciate your answers!

[JJ]

Fantastic post Talon. Thank you. You are so wise in the way you handled things. I think much of your succes is because you focused not on how things made you feel but on how to best get where you needed to be without hurting others. You thought about their feelings as much as your own.

We feel this so intensely. We sometimes wait so long or put so much pressure on ourselves that we become impatient and angry with those around us and expect of them what they can't do or be. We attack instead of leading and then wonder why it all went wrong.

I have said a thousand times-maybe more-that attitude is the key. Not only to successful transition but to life itself.

Yours is splendid and I know that life is going to be good to you!

Thanks again

Johnny