Should I REALLY tell him that I was born transsexual? =/

[Carolyn Marie]

There has been a whole lot written in this thread alread;, good, honest, heartfelt discussion and debate.

I don't have much to add, only this: FtM or MtF, how would you feel if your partner kept some important piece of information about themselves from you? Would it matter, and would you feel betrayed or deceived? Try putting yourself in the other person's shoes, and consider how they might feel.

The "when" of disclosure can be endlessly debated. The "whether or not" seems very clear to me.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Much has been said here - some good, some better than good.

You had sex - okay -that is past. I's a dangerous game, but you will have to make that call.

BUT

If it is getting serious - you HAVE to tell him.

Lizzy

[RoxannaBell]

I understand the fear that must accompany this kind of disclosure. I understand not wanting to risk losing someone. But the risk of losing him is much greater if he finds out some way other than directly from you, and before things go on for too much longer. Maybe there is a way around it, though. Maybe you could bring up the subject of transgenders somehow and see what his reaction is. You don't have to start off by saying it is YOU who is transgendered (say you have a transgendered friend, or bring up Chaz Bono's name, be creative). . If he has a negative reaction, then you know he's not the guy for you and you can break off the relationship without ever having to tell him why. On the other hand, he might say he's perfectly fine with transgenders, and then you have your opening.

[Svenna]

Do any of us older gals REALLY remember what it was like to be 19 years old and DATING?

I'll stand by my comments...

And I'll NOT judge a situation I wasn't party to...

S

[Svenna]

I understand the fear that must accompany this kind of disclosure. I understand not wanting to risk losing someone. But the risk of losing him is much greater if he finds out some way other than directly from you, and before things go on for too much longer. Maybe there is a way around it, though. Maybe you could bring up the subject of transgenders somehow and see what his reaction is. You don't have to start off by saying it is YOU who is transgendered (say you have a transgendered friend, or bring up Chaz Bono's name, be creative). . If he has a negative reaction, then you know he's not the guy for you and you can break off the relationship without ever having to tell him why. On the other hand, he might say he's perfectly fine with transgenders, and then you have your opening.

I think Roxy has suggested a very workable plan...

:)

S

[Guest Lani]

Listen to your heart & let it guide you through the whole situation...

[Guest Addy K.]

First to Lil Cherry, you honestly don't ever have to tell him, but again starting a marriage and or children might come into play, which could and probably would lead to him finding out. If you decided to tell him, just try and see if you get a friend or family member to be near by for safety, just incase. But I hope it goes well no matter what you choose to do hun.

As for the argument about telling a potential partner/lover/etc.. at the beginning I really personally am at a crossroads on the topic. I can say the idea of being upfront is probably a good one, but again if the person can still react violently or start to tell other people about your being trans to be vindictive. so I personally feel that it would be better to try and wait until after a few dates to tell them, because by then you will either know if you want to continue the relationship or not.

hugs and luv

Addy

[JJ]

Just one small point here-outside of a few people on Jerry Springer who claim to have successfully done it for awhile being stealth with a spouse is just not possible in the long run-way before children come into it. Even with R there are basic medical differences that would show up on x-ray or in an ER exam very likely. Then too there are all the legal implications-many states don't recognize gender changes. Many also don't recognize same sex marriages either, which is where you would legally be. If you filed joint tax returns, got any kind of loan etc. as a couple you would be guilty of fraud. And may well also be liable for civil damages when it ultimately comes out and your partner divorces you-if you are lucky and they don't beat you to death.

You also sentence yourself to a life of stress that will-not can but will-ultimately damage your mental health and probably doom the relationship anyway.

I wish this dream if becoming who we are and just living lives in denial of our past was possible but you are setting yourself up for enormous heartache, possible legal problems and potential violence if you try.

I am not someone who usually pushes the fear and danger buttons-just the opposite. But I worked with families for decades. I have known people who murdered with far less provocation. I know the violence that can erupt when someone feels betrayed and I can't stress enough what an unhealthy and unsafe approach that is.

If you are ashamed of who you are then you need to work it through with your therapist. And if you are willing to risk never having a full trusting relationship -because real relationships are built on trust and not secrets-as well as possible death to hide who you are what possible reason could there be but a deep down shame?

I really do understand the motivation. But if you accept yourself you will find someone who will love and accept you as you are. There are many, many examples of that here. But not one good relationship I can think of in the tens of thousands of posts I have read or among the people I worked with professionally built on the kind of deceit not disclosing is in reality.

Johnny

[Guest Fionnuala]

I think I may have written "life is lived online, not in internet forums" above. Obviously, that's not what I meant.

[Charlize]

There is so much here. I think that unless you want to and can back out gracefully. You will do best to tell him. I told my wife about my gender issues when we were dating but because of 20 year old hormones i lost myself when she said she couldn't live with that. 40 years later i'm still working through all the problems caused. Don't let your desire for the relationship ruin your chance of finding the person who can accept you for yourself.

Best of luck,

Charlie

[Guest Sascha]

Ìt's a shadowzone. My opinion? you should decide. If he loves you for who you are, then that is what you are: female. If you think you cannot live with a secret, then be honest. If you decide to be honest, things might get out of hand (depending on the guy) so it's difficult. Personally speaking, if I were 100% passble, then I would never tell anyone. It's none of their business, I am female and are one inside and outside. That's how I think about it.

[Guest Maria_B]

I don't understand the use of describing this situation like STD's. STD's have an immediate physical negative effect on your body. Having sex with a woman with a Neo Vagina doesn't. If you're just having sex, there is no need to tell. He's not going to get herpes because you had SRS, he's not going to get Syphilis or Gonorrhea. There is no physical harm being done to him. If you're in not in a relationship, and you're having petty sex, where is the need.

However, in a relationship, simply by legal implications its either you tell him or ''they'' tell him. (They being not very nice people). I'd do it before being intimate, after a few dates.

Personally, In your situation, I'd end the relationship.

[Guest Lani]

I would tell him...

[Guest Leah1026]

Everyone has to find their own answers on this. I will say it's not as cut and dry as most here seem to think. There is a provocative video on the subject at YouTube. Do a search for "Zinnia Jones Trans Disclosure" and It will bring it up on the list of results. The Official title is "Trans Disclosure? We Can Get Into That". Anywho, the video takes a look at the issue from a completely different angle and it makes you wonder why WE are made to carry all the burden in such situations.

I live an honest life. Personally I've not had to deal with this situation yet, primarily because I have a low libido to start with. I also work nights. And being over a certain age the dating pool for all women tends to be quite shallow. None of this really bothers me though. I've always been alone in this life… even when I was married before transition. Could that change if I met "the one". Yes and no. Yes, because I could see falling in love with someone who shares my interests and outlook on life. No, because unlike many people I see date and get married, I'm not going to change who I am for someone else. They will either understand and accept me fully or I have no need for them. I know that may sound harsh, but I'm 50 and after a lifetime of trying to please others and being rejected, I refuse to play those games anymore.

I love who I am who I am and I don't need anyone else's approval.

I may like to have a relationship, but i don't NEED a relationship. I think far to many people are of the NEED variety.

My 2 cents.

[Svenna]

Everyone has to find their own answers on this. I will say it's not as cut and dry as most here seem to think. There is a provocative video on the subject at YouTube. Do a search for "Zinnia Jones Trans Disclosure" and It will bring it up on the list of results. The Official title is "Trans Disclosure? We Can Get Into That". Anywho, the video takes a look at the issue from a completely different angle and it makes you wonder why WE are made to carry all the burden in such situations.

I live an honest life. Personally I've not had to deal with this situation yet, primarily because I have a low libido to start with. I also work nights. And being over a certain age the dating pool for all women tends to be quite shallow. None of this really bothers me though. I've always been alone in this life… even when I was married before transition. Could that change if I met "the one". Yes and no. Yes, because I could see falling in love with someone who shares my interests and outlook on life. No, because unlike many people I see date and get married, I'm not going to change who I am for someone else. They will either understand and accept me fully or I have no need for them. I know that may sound harsh, but I'm 50 and after a lifetime of trying to please others and being rejected, I refuse to play those games anymore.

I love who I am who I am and I don't need anyone else's approval.

I may like to have a relationship, but i don't NEED a relationship. I think far to many people are of the NEED variety.

My 2 cents.

Are you kidding me? YOU are 50?

I thought you were in your 30s, maybe 34 or 35...

Wow..

Anyway, back to your reply...

This is another occasion when I think you hit every point perfectly, as you oft times do...

Please don't underestimate the power of love, though, the universe has a way of providing exactly what we need, once we can articulate just what those needs truly are...

I think you'll do just fine. Your life is far from over, and the range of possibilities is much larger than you currently imagine...

You are a very pretty woman and you are smart and clear-headed and well, just a wonderful person...

You'll see!

Love, Svenna

[Guest AiAmAngel]

I wouldn't .

Seriously, I'm pro stealth whenever the option is present.

But, the fact that you're even considering it now means it's probably best for you to get it out.

Tell him.

[~Nova~]

Wow. This is a subject near and dear to me. I'll be post op in two mths nd I'm hoping to be in the dating pool soon after.

I posted this in a forum that was not trans, but full of guys pumped n testosterone. Some interesting reading.

http://forum.slowtwitch.com/gforum.cgi?do=post_view_flat;post=3693559;page=1;sb=post_latest_reply;so=ASC;mh=25

My thoughts. If I'm having a fling, I won't tell them. If I'm hoping to have a relationship, I'll tell them before hand.

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

Do any of us older gals REALLY remember what it was like to be 19 years old and DATING?

I'll stand by my comments...

And I'll NOT judge a situation I wasn't party to...

S

Yo, Svenna!

Like, I'm older than you, and no way can I remember being 19. Heck, I didn't date at 19 anyway. Didn't start until I was 23, and I've only been with 3 women in my lifetime, and THEY asked me! So, what's the deal? Read the teenage, young adult and dating chapters in "True Selves" which will explain everything. It was like reading my own story.

Dating? I was an abject failure at it. Does NOT mean I was not interested! I was!

For me, well, I've basically decided to bag it with respect to dating. Been celibate for 15 years and counting. The Mahatma Gandhi took a vow of celibacy at age 36 (in pursuit of being a brahmachari (true seeker of God)), and he kept true to that vow throughout the remainder of his lifetime, and he was MARRIED! His wife dealt with it and, most likely, was relieved anyway. This is just one of the many reasons why I LOVE The Mahatma Gandhi!

Heck, as I write this, I've got The Mahatma Gandhi's biography right next to me ... beside Keith Richards' biography, and I love them BOTH equally! The Approximate Saint and The Unrepetent Sinner! To me, I would have been AMAZING to have been either one of them! Yeah, I know, I know ... don't say it!

For Postop Girls:

You gals CAN have a normal and amazing intimate life! The opinions vary on when to disclose if you're postop. Naturally, the span the gamut on this matter; however, I believe postop gals should disclose after getting to know the person and if things are tending towards physical intimacy of "that stripe" at some point. Just my opinion. I could be wrong.

Happy Dating Lacey Lynne

[Guest LizMarie]

This is a really complex subject and I can't see any single rule as always being "right" for every single person every single time. Like Nova, if I were to find myself in a "fling" I wouldn't say a word. It's not relevant. But I'd want something more meaningful to be on honest terms. But what happens if a fling turns serious? See? None of this is easy or simple. I'm with Svenna on this one. I won't judge someone for something to which I was not a party and which has no impact on me personally. Little Cherry is going to have to come to her own conclusions here and she's been given some good advice all around but as anyone can see, that advice is all over the place. She's just going to have to make a judgement call and then manage the consequences of that call downline.

[Svenna]

Wow. This is a subject near and dear to me. I'll be post op in two mths nd I'm hoping to be in the dating pool soon after.

I posted this in a forum that was not trans, but full of guys pumped n testosterone. Some interesting reading.

http://forum.slowtwi...ly;so=ASC;mh=25

My thoughts. If I'm having a fling, I won't tell them. If I'm hoping to have a relationship, I'll tell them before hand.

Two things:

First, I agree with your thoughts on 'telling', simple enough!

Second, after reading ALL of the comments on the linked thread, all I can say is this..

"Lady, you've got testicles, iron testicles!!!"

It took a TON of guts to do what you did, and I am amazed and proud of your bravery...WOW, girl!!

Also, those men surely do make being a lesbian seem like a wonderful thing. I cannot, for the life of me, imagine EVER allowing pigs like those guys to EVER get near me. What pieces of work! Gah...

All you 'straight' trans-gal can keep 'em men. Me? Hopefully therapy will eventually dispel some of the absolute hatred I have for 'male-ness'. The arrogance, the ***** penis-sure-ed-ness, the blind allegiance to ignorance, the willful hurtfulness, the, the, the...well, the stench of testosterone, period...UGH!!!!!

Nah, I don't have a problem with men, not al all...lol!

Anyhoo...

Nova, you are a very, very special and brave woman. I wish you nothing but the best of luck finding the exceptional person that you deserve!

Love to YOU, my straight sister!

Svenna

Edited May 10, 2012 by Shilo
profanity

[Guest LizMarie]

Nova, that thread demonstrates the deep level of homophobia in the US male population which is then coupled to the horrendous ignorance that a transsexual woman is still a "man". Those guys are afraid of their own shadow!

I wish you the best of luck, Nova. *hugs*

[Guest Elizabeth K]

WOW

This subject got hot! I have (1) an opinion, (2) a story a member here told me, and (3 &4) I have two examples. But nothing I say is going to change peoples minds, what I say only demonstrates why I personally caution people to be careful not to get hurt or killed by withholding, or delaying telling someone that you are transsexual.

In a short synopsis, I suggest allowing a person to get to know you and if it starts getting intimate, you need to explain things.

A member here, a FTM who is no longer on, PMed me for a while and we became good friends. .He eventually told me he was raped (and lost twins through a miscarriage) when it was found out he had female genitalia. Later the same gang assaulted him, raped him and beat him up. He got pregnant again and had an abortion. I worked with him because I had had a dream he was killed by a knifing by the leader of a gang of seven. That frightened him and he stopped going out alone at night. The gang that beat him up and raped him had seven members, which I did not know. Of course he had only hidden his body sex at first, but it exposed him to a terrible vulnerability when he was discovered.

Three years ago here in the New Orleans area (Harvey, on the West Bank) there was a transwoman who was bludgeoned to death with a fire extinguisher. It made the news here several times at the time as the boyfriend was found. went to trial, and was convicted of murder. So I was familiar with the event and knew what the circumstances were. This girl was preop. She and her boyfriend were a well established couple and because of her passability, they seemed a regular couple to the general public, like is common everywhere. They reportedly had been together over a year when his gang member friends found out she was a T-girl. Someone in her family outed her - probably accidentally. He was taunted mercilessly. He then claimed she had deceived and tricked him, so he took revenge by beating her. Unfortunately his anger was overpowering and he went into a murderous rage which was witnessed. Again it is unclear how long she was with him before she told him of her condition, probably fairly early. It was the TWO of them that hid it, not just her.

Then there is Veronica, my MTF friend who mentored me from the beginning. (She was my roommate in college and we never knew we were both trans for 45 years - go figure) She was post op when she told me, so I barraged her with questions, telling her I too am transsexual but pre op. She explained her dating patterns. Generally she is 100% stealth so she does not WANT to be outed by a boyfriend. She will go up to the point where she is about to have sex before she reveals her history. At that time (three years ago) she had dated seriously four men. Only one was able to handle the story and stay with her. But they broke up later because she found out the guy was still married. She recommended NOT revealing our history until a person had a chance to really really know us. She said otherwise you probably won't have much of a chance in finding someone YOU want. Again - post op - but secretive, selecting the proper moment to tell. She says she 'could' get away with NEVER TELLING, but feels it is unethical. I asked if the men got mad? She said only one got peeved and said "It's a good thing we never had had sex!" and left.

Lizzy

[Carolyn Marie]

All you 'straight' trans-gal can keep 'em men. Me? Hopefully therapy will eventually dispel some of the absolute hatred I have for 'male-ness'. The arrogance, the ***** penis-sure-ed-ness, the blind allegiance to ignorance, the willful hurtfulness, the, the, the...well, the stench of testosterone, period...UGH!!!!! Svenna[/font][/color]

I realize this is a hot-button topic, but please remember to keep the discussion within bounds. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. But...it is not proper to trash an entire category of people, OK? We have a great many FtM's on this site, and they are entitled to respect and courtesy, Comments like this are not appropriate and if there is more of the same, they will not be permitted. I would hate to have to lock this topic. Thank you.

Carolyn Marie

[Svenna]

All you 'straight' trans-gal can keep 'em men. Me? Hopefully therapy will eventually dispel some of the absolute hatred I have for 'male-ness'. The arrogance, the ***** penis-sure-ed-ness, the blind allegiance to ignorance, the willful hurtfulness, the, the, the...well, the stench of testosterone, period...UGH!!!!! Svenna[/font][/color]

I realize this is a hot-button topic, but please remember to keep the discussion within bounds. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. But...it is not proper to trash an entire category of people, OK? We have a great many FtM's on this site, and they are entitled to respect and courtesy, Comments like this are not appropriate and if there is more of the same, they will not be permitted. I would hate to have to lock this topic. Thank you.

Carolyn Marie

Okay...

I was overly broad, I understand..

I should have used more care in choosing my words...

Sorry!

Going on hiatus now...

Later, y'all...

S

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Some overheating going on OH MY.

(Pulls topic over and waits for the engine to cool - opens radiator and puts in two quarts 'COOLSTUFF' - sssssssssssssssssssst)

Lizzy