It's been an interesting past week, to say the least

[Guest ~DeeDee~]

Well, in the past week, I have inadvertently come out to two totally different people in my life. One who was of my own doing, and one who was totally out of my control. The first was of my own doing, I rarely drink, but garnered a wild hare up my rear to go to a local Mexican restaurant after work was over to partake in some R&R with a couple of co-workers of mine. Well after the first couple drinks everyone else left and it was me and another co-worker. She is openly gay so in my inebriated state I told her all about Dee Dee and even showed her a bunch of pictures on my phone. She was surprisingly super understanding about it and we had a good time conversing about it for a couple hours. I work really close to her everyday at work, and neither of us has said a word about it to each other since the drinking incident .bu I assume it's all good because she sent me a text yesterday just to see what I was up to, which she has never done before. The next outing was out of my control, but probably a consequence of my own actions.As I came home in a drunken stupor that evening, unannounced to myself the next day I had said some prey nasty things to my wife in reference to my coming to her and her having to cope with a trans person in our relationship now. I was drunk and I am sure I said some nasty hings, because the reason I rarely drink is because I am very aware about how i brings out the worst in me. So because of the emotional distress I put her through that night her mother noticed and showed up and took her from work on Friday morning so they could talk. My wife came out to her about me which has made her feel better, but I was so not ready for it. The good thing is that my mother in-law was relived and said that she loves me no matter what. I don't feel any better now though I feel worse about myself and my situation. Everything about "coming out" seems to be going like a dream according to the rational perspective, but it does not seem that way to me at all.I feel like I am so super exposed and am really starting to go to a dark place in a bad way. I think it's the way everyone in the family and my wife are just putting so much pressure on me to be "just a cross dresser", and just keep it like that. I have really been in a bad way emotionally now because I feel that if I take my feelings all the way I will lose a lot of relationships that I really treasure. Sometimes I feel like I just can't and don't want to deal and handle it. Bad times, really they are. I also think I have been doing myself a huge dis-service by going to my therapist as Dee Dee rather than Derik, due to the fact that I am happy when I am Dee Dee, and I am having all of my troubles as Derik, whom I am 75% of the time and I feel that she is just getting the good side of me, and not really seeing the whole picture, which makes it really hard for me to convey to her my huge distress. I go tomorrow, so I have to make that decision now too, because Mondays are my day to be myself. Sorry about the rant but I had to get a little out.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Ahhhh yes, coming out is inevitable

[Guest ~DeeDee~]

There have been just so many ups and downs i's really starting to tear me up inside. I am compromising with my wife, but don't know now that the cats out, if I can keep it just at that. Just feeling really conflicted as the world turns in-side-out.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dear, we'll talk

Love

Brenda

[Guest angels wings]

Don't be sorry about the rant u need to get it out . With your wife I can share a little on how I felt which might give u an insight on how ur wife could be feeling. Her just wanting u to cross dress is her way of hanging onto the old u . She does not want to see the old u go . As a wife it is hard to see the man u married change and wanting more. We go through alot of deep emotions and thy are hard to filter at times . Her just wanting u too cross dress is her way of hanging unto hope. Hope that things will remain the same as they were. It's hard for us to imagine at first our partners any differnt. She will slowly let go of that idea painfully as she accepts that's not what you want . Keep communicating about your feelings don't get angry because in anger we say some terrible things we regret as u know. She is grieving it's a process and hopefully with love and reasurrance she will move on to the next step. Don't loose hope remember its a journey for both of you. As with your therapist my advice would be to open up and share your pain be open so she can give u the right advice . I wish u all the best and don't look back look forward . Remember the clouds do pass . Wishing u brighter days

[Guest ~DeeDee~]

I know she stayed home from work today, which means I will not be getting my one day this week. I can't tell her because she will get upset and start crying if I let her know it bothers me. I guess it's more for the therapist to deal with this afternoon, and a hard week for me. I look into her eyes and I know she loves me, as I love her just as much, but somewhere in the back of my head I feel like my life for the last 15 years has just been kind of a big lie to everyone I love so, validity in myself is what I am looking for I guess. I dont know anymore really, just feel sad a lot anymore, kind of empty inside like I am just going through the motions. As long as everyone else is happy, I should be happy right.